...to think I am a bridesmaid?

[chouflour]

DB is marrying a Canadian woman in Canada next year (they live there). She wants my children (toddler twin DSs and pre-school DD) to walk down the aisle with her and me and DSis to escort them down the aisle. She’s asked us to wear long navy dresses to fit in with the bridal party and to get ready with them in a hotel adjacent to the venue. However, she has excluded us (me, DH, kids, DSis) from the rehearsal dinner (because it’s for the bridal party) and we’re not on the order of service. She says this is because if the kids aren’t in the mood to walk nicely then there’s no obligation. Fine. But my sis (and me a bit) are really hurt at not being in the wedding party but yet being told what to wear and when and where to get ready.

You’re not a bridesmaid, as others have said. You offered to walk your children down the aisle so she asked you to wear what the other people walking down the aisle would be wearing. If you have changed your mind you can just say. She probably invited you to get ready in her room to be nice. If you don’t want to do that then again, just don’t.

You’re not a bridesmaid and unless there is a close relationship with your children not mentioned they are just being used as props for photos. I’d take the whole family out of it and just attend as guests.

Could other adult bridesmaids not walk your kids down the aisle? That’s what’s always happened at any wedding I’ve been to?
Sometimes adult bridesmaids happened to be child’s parent but sometimes not

'You’re not a bridesmaid and unless there is a close relationship with your children not mentioned they are just being used as props for photos. I’d take the whole family out of it and just attend as guests.'

This. I'd also be letting my brother know we weren't impressed at being expected to act as props but not being considered important enough to be in the bridal party. Tbh, if I encountered this sort of arrangement at a wedding I'd find it extremely strange and it would affect my view of the couple.

I does, however, seem to be the culture of weddings these days that brides get to act like bulls in china shops. What a footing to start on with your spouse's family

Where’s your DB in all this?

Not a chance in hell would I be attending that wedding after being so badly treated!! The bride sounds incredibly vain and selfish...making you 'blend jn' and bend to her demands, whilst treating you this way, shows how graceless and self-absorbed and lacking in social awareness she is.

Don't go! Problem solved 🤷‍♀️

you cant not go, it is your db

, ok you feel snubbed about the rehearsal dinner,
make your own plans, which will be far more fun

Ha ha ha lol 😂 this is awful, she is being a proper bridezilla. You are unpaid hired help in uniform.

Either the proper bridesmaids step up and child mind or you decline them taking part. She just wants your cute kids I the show.

She just think the kids will look nice in her show and you need to follow the instructions to blend in whilst you are watching your dc.

No you aren't BM

Personally I'd say your dc aren't up for it either as it sounds a nitemare

Asking you to wear a long blue frock for the aesthetics is just rude - it’s all about the photos. It’s hardly an unusual sight for mothers of very small bridesmaids to be there to shepherd them along but asking them to play dress up in a particular way means she has completely lost perspective. My response would be that I would be dressing appropriately for a wedding ( with part of me tempted to do a full on British wedding guest OTT big hat - let’s see what that does to the photographer’s wide angle lens shots, ha!)

What NoHummus said

Having attended my nephew's wedding in U.S we were included in everything including rehearsal dinner because it was acknowledged that we had travelled a long way and spent a lot of money.
You need to speak to your db and tell him you're not inclined to travel that distance for 8 hours at a wedding and the rest of the time twiddling your thumbs.
This is so rude!

Can you not talk to your brother? She's the bride, but he's your family member so I'd direct most of my questions through him. Don't get arsey about it, even if she is. But I think you can tell him your concerns and see what he can suggest.

Organising a wedding can be very stressful and some people do tend to forget about other people on the day. The day is not about you, so realistically you shouldn't expect extra consideration. But by the same token you are not an official part of the day so should be entitled to wear what you like and get ready in your own comfort.

Talk to your brother. It's the only option.

I think I would withdraw my childrens' services in this situation, OP. Wear what you like and sit with your kids in the audience/congregation, it'll be much less stressful

This.

But talk to your brother first about your reservations.

She's being really unreasonable regardless of the label you apply.

You don't get to dictate what guests wear. If you ask people to be part of your bridal party then you choose their clothing - with varying degrees of consultation and contribution to costs from the bridal party. It's kind of a trade off, you get the "honour" of being acknowledged as being important enough to the happy couple to have a defined role in their wedding, they get to dress you up as they see fit.

This situation is neither, and on the day is likely to cause whispering too - ever been to a wedding where not-a-bridesmaid has been dressed like a bridesmaid? It will be assumed that either she has some weird two tier bridesmaid situation or more likely that you were upset at not being one so chose a dress to match. Like heck would I be setting myself up to be embarrassed like that

Wow, poor form from your future SIL.

I wonder if this is a more normal thing Across the Pond? People seem to have massive 'bridal parties' where you see pics of loads of women in matching dresses, and similar matching groups for the blokes. They can't all be walking them down the aisle when there's a dozen on them. Maybe chalk down to cultural difference?

How many bridesmaids are there

Did you offer to walk them down

You obviously need a sheep dog outfit not a navy dress.
Get herding woman!
Tell db you will all just be attending as guests. You can't guarantee your small dc will behave!!

That does sound rude. I think weddings should be as easy as possible for guests, especially relatives (whether they’re bridal party or not).

We had the same issue when we got married. Everyone had travelled (not quite as far! Just to Ireland!) so we just had a buffet for everyone the night before. It was really lovely and didn’t work out as expensive as I thought it would. We kept it simple and it gave us a chance to have a chat to everyone and thank them for coming, and then have an early night!

I would talk to your brother, it’s very poor to travel all that way and not be fully included in everything/and as for the dress code-I would ignore that!

How much rehearsing do people need to walk down an aisle? Is the dinner part of it? Are you rehearsing who sits where while you eat? Bizarre. We had a quick run through with the vicar...

Aren't your children involved in the rehearsal? I also don't understand why they're not on the order of service - OK, it may be that on the day one of them will play up and be unable to do it, but it's pretty unlikely that they all will. I assume she's not leaving actual bridesmaids or the best man off because they might be ill on the day and not turn up.

You're clearly not a bridesmaid, you're just walking rhe kids down the aisle likely as they are young.

Why would they be on an order of service?

Never heard of that!

If there are adult bmaids then it's up to them to escort the kids down the aisle imo.

If the kids wouldn't like/do this then they can't be attendants.