...to think I am a bridesmaid?

[chouflour]

DB is marrying a Canadian woman in Canada next year (they live there). She wants my children (toddler twin DSs and pre-school DD) to walk down the aisle with her and me and DSis to escort them down the aisle. She’s asked us to wear long navy dresses to fit in with the bridal party and to get ready with them in a hotel adjacent to the venue. However, she has excluded us (me, DH, kids, DSis) from the rehearsal dinner (because it’s for the bridal party) and we’re not on the order of service. She says this is because if the kids aren’t in the mood to walk nicely then there’s no obligation. Fine. But my sis (and me a bit) are really hurt at not being in the wedding party but yet being told what to wear and when and where to get ready.

*being, not bring

Now that I'm thinking about it, my feeling is this. Why not take the most charitable view possible? Here are some things to consider: You would have to wear SOMETHING formal to the wedding. Why not something in navy? It's a very practical color. You can get something you can wear many times. In the U.S. and Canada bridesmaids DO pay for their own dresses, and they pay for many other stupid things, too. They end up with closetfuls of hideous dresses. So a navy dress of your choice is not bad. Second, she is trying to find ways to include you by inviting you to join her in the morning. Sometimes there are limits to how many people can be in certain venues etc. Go to the wedding to support your husband and to have an experience, not to be the star. Build connections with as many people as you can, not just the bride. Be kind, not petulant. This is a chance to be part of a family. It is a beautiful thing.

Rehearsal dinners traditionally include the wedding party, close family, and out of town family guests. Some extend to out of town non-family guests. I’ve been to rehearsal dinners where so many family were traveling that it was 90% of the wedding guests, so they just invited absolutely everyone invited to the wedding to the rehearsal dinner.

There is often a brunch the morning after the wedding. That would be for the wedding party and all family, regardless of travel status. People often include out of town non-family guests in the brunch as well.

Paying for your own clothing, even clothing dictated by the bride, is considered perfectly normal here. It is crazy, but accepted ettiquette

So she expects you to travel all that way, at great expense, tells you to do X, Y and Z but aren’t invited to your own brother’s rehearsal dinner? Shit on that! Your kids aren’t her wedding accessories and you merit better treatment quite frankly. In your position I’d probably not even bother. But if you do go, do not pander to her. She’s made it quite clear that her fiance’s family mean jack shit to her.

I'd say either you pick your outfit or the kids are out.

My BIL had a wedding like that. Loads of kids walk down aisle in bridesmaid type dresses or trousers and shirt, supervising adults go with. I'd never met SIL until the night before. Not really bridesmaid role or part of bridal party but more important than standard guest. I was also expected to change for Wedding Reception but no one had told me. I did get my hair and make up done for free before the Reception though! I did have special flowers as did dd.

It isn't a Canadian thing btw, it's just rude.

So she wants your kids to walk down the aisle behind her, but they aren't bridesmaids/pageboys and although you're close family, you're not invited to join the wedding dinner.

I would be politely declining to go. Or if you DO go, stay out of the aisle walking thing, buy dresses /outfits in a colour of your choice and have a nice dinner the night before. Either you're part of the wedding party or you aren't.

I agree with you, OP, what you have described does sound like the most basic requirements of a bridesmaid.

I also think it’s very rude not to invite you to the rehearsal dinner as Dsis to the groom even if you aren’t an actual bridesmaid, which I guess is your brother’s fault as well as your STBSIL’s.

I didn't interpret the 'offered to' as the OP offered to walk them down the aisle, but that when the bride asked her to walk them down the aisle she 'offered' to wear an outfit she chose (and so might actually get to re-wear - long navy dresses, whilst neutral, might not be terribly practical for other events OP attends).

I'm not sure I understand about the not including in the Order of Service - I don't understand including the bridal party in it at all, to be honest, other than the bride and groom - but is she not including your children either? Because that's just further proof she just wants them to look cute in the photos and nothing else. It doesn't fit with the aesthetic?? Seriously, it's ridiculous to even type it, let alone say it to someone's face.

I do wonder if withdrawing your children from bridesmaid/pageboy roles might be your best bet - less pressure, people will still think they're super cute, but without having to march to the beat of a bride more concerned with appearances than connections.

I can see why you’d be put out about the rehearsal dinner but would your kids really want to be there? I’d use it a chance to do something fun with my kids I stress of the rehearsal meal

You’re not a bridesmaid but I think not inviting you to the rehearsal dinner is hurtful. I had similar, night before DB wedding (I was told I was a bridesmaid and then told I wasn’t and they came with me to vet what dress I was buying) that I couldn’t go as first it was men only, but then all the female partners were going etc, they just didn’t want me there and kept making excuses. All their group wedding photos had siblings on both sides in the bridal party and parents, except me. I stood in the crowd whilst behind me someone who didn’t see me said “why have they excluded huggedtree from their family photos”. That felt good.

To be honest it told me what they thought of me and they’ve continued to show that ever since, despite not know what I’ve done wrong, asking, and doing everything they ask re favours/baby sitting/trying to make amends. But it’s their loss not mine, they can act like they feel we are missing out not having them as close friends, I have loving friends who value me and spend time with me. My family don’t know why they did it either, they all see it going on and can’t explain it but don’t want to lose contact either by raising it so we just all live with it.

Funny thing is, is that they wouldn’t be married if I hadn’t talked my DB into staying with DSil several times when they’ve broken up due to her behaviour when he came to me saying he was done and I talked him into taking her back. Also since they’ve been married he thought about leaving.

So it does really hurt that they’ve said you can’t go to the rehearsal dinner, but you aren’t a bridesmaid and that does suck but they can ask who they want. Other people there will see you in the same colour and assume you are part of the bridal party/have been asked to do that/wear that, just sorry they don’t think enough of you when travelling to go to the meal.

You havea DB problem.
Why hasn't he invited you to the rehearsal dinner the night before? Maybe your relationship is not as good as you think?
If it's financial- offer to pay fo your meals.

Everyone is getting on at the bride here but a wedding involves two people. Where’s your brothers involvement in all this OP? Have you not questioned why none of his family are involved in the rehearsal dinner especially as your travelling all that way?

The op hasn't been back, save your energy people.

I’m being told what to wear and where to get ready and asked to walk down the aisle with bridal party. Not that dissimilar to bridesmaid!

But they have asked your darling children to be bridesmaids and for you to accompany them in clothes that match your BROTHER & his brides choice so that you blend in. I totally understand the ‘aesthetic’ BUT You are not a bridesmaid

Fine. But my sis (and me a bit)
So who is driving this fury? Were you bothered before your sister mentioned it & wound you up? I have to say in your shoes I would just be thrilled for my brother and wouldn’t be offended at all.
Why are you and DSis making their wedding about YOU?
Why not speak to your brother and ask rather than gets so wound up?
Bizarre.

I am surprised that she has not invited you to the dinner as immediate family, who have travelled so far to be there. I can only say that I did something silly, when I got married here. My family are in the States. I am still embarrassed about it. Not an excuse, but sometimes so much is going on that niceties get lost. especially when dealing with international families. No words of advice really but enjoy the evening. People will ask her and she will realise just not in time for the wedding itself...

Crikey, this is why I hate weddings.
Basically it's the bride and grooms day
You say yes or no very quietly and quickly otherwise it may seem like it's.... What's that song.. Its all about...

My UK based MIL went to the wedding of her sister's grandson in the US. MIL and grandmother of the groom flew together and stayed in the same rental house.

Turns our MIL wasnt invited to the meal the night before as it was "only for family". She was so hurt. So everyone else got ready to go out and she had to do their own thing with her husband. MIL and groom had a good relationship.

We were invited to the wedding but didnt go for other reasons - phew!

Really? That's it? ?????? Get a grip, I'm battling cancer. so are other people. Your tiny mind is actually quite funny. I don't think I'm allowed to say that you're ignorant? It's a racist thing. Sexist thing. Or, a tiny mind thing. I'm being Mindist!
Please. sort out what is really important xx Please, grab your family xx hold them, as close as you cam. Grab that husband, who annoys the fuck out of you, every day x grab your precious little babies xx Sorry, having a bad day xx

We all love to feel included. Take a deep breath, know that you're worthwhile and valid, buy yourself a lovely new navy dress. Your bro will be grateful at you working to make it easy for his big day.

Canadian here who had a Canadian wedding. Very odd for you not to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. It’s very common for close family and out of town guests to be invited to the rehearsal dinner the night before.

We don’t typically have jr bridesmaid, just a flower girl and a ring boy.

I am sorry you are being made to feel like this. It’s shit all the way around.

@AlmostChristmas2019

3 - you inserted yourself by suggesting it might be best if you walk them down the aisle - which is also a nice gesture but the one that started to make this complicated

I think you’ve misread the OP’s last post.

As I read it, when the bride asked the OP to wear a navy dress, the OP offered to walk the kids down the aisle in an outfit of her choice but the bride declined and insisted she wore the navy dress.

The ‘offer’ was to wear an alternative outfit. She wasn’t offering the bride her kids and her services.

We hosted a rehearsal dinner in the US and long distance guests as well as close family were invited.

With regard to the navy blue outfit, perhaps she is worried that you might wear something that will clash with the bridal party attire, or even outshine the bride.

Take the navy dress back and wear whatever you like. You can't be excluded from the bridal party and dictated to at the same time. And take this as a cue for your future dealings with them.