Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite and the mindfield.

202 replies

FirstTimePoll · 20/11/2019 22:57

Was hoping to create a poll.

Not giving any specifics as want to keep it vague.

Ultimately, my question is would you attend this wedding as C?

3 siblings. Sibling A getting married. Siblings B and C not married, both in relationships, neither live with their partners yet, neither relationship very long yet but both see futures/longevity. Sibling B has a history of shortish relationships. Sibling C has had 1 very long relationship previously. Sibling A has met both partners once due to logistics of life/distance. Sibling B's partner gets invited to the wedding. Sibling C told no +1. If you were sibling C, would you go or see it as a snub?

OP posts:
ilovetofu · 21/11/2019 10:11

Ha! Was just going to say Minefield too.
I won't now.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/11/2019 10:17

Of course C shouldn't go.

How insulting.

If it's thought that C doesn't know about the different treatment - fucking patronising too. Well C will know on the day when they are the sibling attending alone, won't they?

A would refuse to come without partner, so C should do the same, and politely explain that they don't want to attend an event where they've been very publicly snubbed by their sibling and can only assume that A doesn't particularly respect them or value their company if they're going to treat them differently to B.

Wedding can bring out bad family dynamics. I'm betting that C is the scapegoat sibling who it's ok to put at the back of the queue/not consider the feelings of/ generally treat like shit.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/11/2019 10:19

But I love the idea of the Wedding MindField.

C should get one and ramp it up to 11 until A is brainwashed into giving them THREE +1s.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 10:24

Mindfields by Prodigy has been playing in my head all morning...
m.youtube.com/watch?v=cilxr0iNB3A

Avihoot · 21/11/2019 10:29

Of course I would go to my sibling's wedding. No question.

But I would be upset that my partner had been ignored and my other sibling's had not. Actually, as siblings, I would just be out in the open about it and point out the injustice and ask if my partner could attend.

Alyic · 21/11/2019 10:42

@GiveHerHellFromUs

Apologies you wouldn't want to be inviting someone like that.

BlueJava · 21/11/2019 10:42

Personally I wouldn't exclude by sibling's partners, that would be unkind. And no way would I invite 1 partner and not the other - that is just asking for trouble! However, if I was invited without my partner I'd go to a sibling's wedding although I'd find it strange.

Ginger1982 · 21/11/2019 10:48

"Of course C shouldn't go."

And miss a siblings wedding over this? I think that would be creating more drama than is needed to be honest.

SVRT19674 · 21/11/2019 11:42

I would definitely be asking why the difference in very similar circumstances. I would go to my sibling's wedding but I wouldn't forget that.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 11:43

Have I missed who you are op?

Bibijayne · 21/11/2019 11:47

That's an obvious snub. I'd be asking why sibling A did not value me as s sibling.

Brakebackcyclebot · 21/11/2019 14:01

I would be pissed off

ActualHornist · 21/11/2019 14:47

In light of your updates then I stand by my initial thoughts - yes I would be upset and feel snubbed but I would still go.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/11/2019 15:04

And miss a siblings wedding over this?

Well there are siblings and siblings, aren't there? There are ones you love and rely on to be part of your close loving family and then there are ones who frankly you'd be better off being a thousand miles away from. If OP's situation is symptomatic of a damaging horrible dynamic where they are the scapegoat, then no, I wouldn't go.

It's not about a plus one, it's about beign treated badly. Siblings? Yes, it's worse when it's a sibling!

Original poster
FirstTimePoll · 21/11/2019 16:29

I'm usually good with English, I don't think the mindfield/minefield even crossed my, err, mind Grin. Loving a 'mind field' suggestion though like some subliminal brainwashing.

I am C. Although I am highly tempted to say bugger right off to A, I wouldn't as it will cause a rift. However, as some have rightly said I certainly will not forget about it. At the moment I only asked about +1 when invitations came out last week because it wasn't clear. I was told it was down to numbers and there are no places left. I have since spoken to B as I just had a suspicion, and B confirmed their partner is invited. Had it been the same for each of us I could have accepted that easily. As there is a clear difference then nope, it feels like a snub and like they don't particularly give a shit. So I'm feeling less than charitable.

I will be asking why the difference. However another family member queried something with A and fiance a while ago that they didn't like and they wouldn't speak to them for months so I'm going to wait until after a family party that's coming up. I have a feeling it's not going to go down well when I do query it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/11/2019 16:37

@FirstTimePollim be tempted to appraoch it in a "has he done something to upset you kinda way"

"So I know when we spoke last you said Carl couldn't come because of numbers, but obviously Barry is coming all day with Belinda. If something has happened with Carl to cause a problem please tell me"

"No it's just numbers"

"I know you say that, but it doesn't make sense you'd invite Barry and not Carl. I'd never invite Carl and not Andy. So what's really going on?"

Original poster
FirstTimePoll · 21/11/2019 18:05

That's good SleepingStandingUp.

OP posts:
LL83 · 21/11/2019 18:43

Is B closer to A than C is? If so maybe B mentioned she would love partner to come so A invited partner for B but not really bothered if they come.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/11/2019 18:56

So you are the scapegoat.

They're treating you badly - no, it shouldn't 'go down well' - why should it? Unless you're simply scared of them, because you are in the weaker 'position.'

That won't change until you do challenge, you do let things 'go down badly' and say well that's the truth, you are prepared to walk away.

TheHootiestOwl · 21/11/2019 20:59

So they don’t like your partner I would guess.

Original poster
FirstTimePoll · 21/11/2019 23:19

Good point Fizzy. I do feel that they should be aware that they aren't acting that great. Of course it won't be taken on board but at least I would have said my piece.

There would have been no reason for them to dislike DP at all. He's generally liked by everyone, a very engaging person.

The family I've spoken to all agree they are behaving badly so I know it's not just me thinking it.

OP posts:
Inforthelonghaul · 22/11/2019 06:58

I would go to the wedding ceremony but not the evening. I would definitely be telling them why too. Weddings aren’t an excuse for rudeness and if there is a reason why your partner isn’t invited you need to know now to prevent you wasting time trying to include them in your life when they obviously don’t give a fuck.

Pinkarsedfly · 22/11/2019 07:05

Is B more likely to kick off than C?

Often, being the nice one gets you shafted.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 22/11/2019 07:06

If it's down to numbers then surely when someone RSVP's that they can't make it partner C should be able to be added in?

helpmum2003 · 22/11/2019 07:08

That is a horrible snub op. What do your parents think? I agree you have to ask sibling at an appropriate time. Then decide what to do. Going to ceremony but not staying for reception is a possibility. Your partner could go to wedding if in a church anyway.