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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite and the mindfield.

202 replies

FirstTimePoll · 20/11/2019 22:57

Was hoping to create a poll.

Not giving any specifics as want to keep it vague.

Ultimately, my question is would you attend this wedding as C?

3 siblings. Sibling A getting married. Siblings B and C not married, both in relationships, neither live with their partners yet, neither relationship very long yet but both see futures/longevity. Sibling B has a history of shortish relationships. Sibling C has had 1 very long relationship previously. Sibling A has met both partners once due to logistics of life/distance. Sibling B's partner gets invited to the wedding. Sibling C told no +1. If you were sibling C, would you go or see it as a snub?

OP posts:
BlueEyedPersephone · 21/11/2019 07:18

You haven't stated who you are, so C needs to ask A why B has a +1 and C does not.
No +1 is not a good enough reason to miss a family wedding ( you wouldn't miss a funeral).
Stop posting on here without full information as no one can give an opinion without all the information.
Who are you?

SnuggyBuggy · 21/11/2019 07:28

It's a snub and also a partner of an adult guest isn't even a +1, you are supposed to invite them by name. +1 are for single guests and are nice but not requires. Not inviting people's partners to weddings is tacky though as its a formal event and you are supposed to invite couples as a unit.

londonrach · 21/11/2019 07:32

Of course you go. Its a sister. However why c partner not invited. Id suspec both or either partners as a and c not living with them. Does a know b partner better. Its a wedding in the end so her choice

AuntieStella · 21/11/2019 07:43

Previous relationships and ideas of whether this one is a keeper are not relevant.

These are boy/girlfriends, not cohabiting partners

So either it's duration of relationship - both short but perhaps one shorter?

Or simply that when A met each of them, there was one she really did not like.

You've established it's not error. Now decide if you are going to stoke a family feud (for the bad feeling from this will last for years)

Shodan · 21/11/2019 07:43

It is a snub but I feel that there's good reason . C's new romantic interest isn't liked, for whatever reason, and A doesn't want to 'encourage' that relationship.

Or, possibly, B has had a strop that their new squeeze hasn't been invited and so A has reluctantly given in on that one.

Who knows. The only way to find out is to ask A directly and nicely what the reason is.

StCharlotte · 21/11/2019 07:46

From the +1's point if view, I was the longest standing other half when my then-boyfriend's two siblings got married (i.e. longer together than both couples who were getting married) but we weren't living together. I wasn't invited to either wedding. I was hurt but it didn't affect our relationship with them. I just accepted that some people are bloody weird and thoughtless.

LannisterLion1 · 21/11/2019 07:47

It is a snub unless C is only very recently involved with her bf or he is a complete git. Though i doubt C would admit to the latter if true....

Winterdaysarehere · 21/11/2019 07:48

As the B & G give zero fucks about C's feelings I would stay home and eat copious amounts of chocolate instead....
And send an empty card :
Love from op + her box of chocs!!

TruckingOn · 21/11/2019 07:48

I'd see it as A's problem with being insensitive and chalk that one up to experience of her.

But as for the wedding, I'd go since it were my sister and my family and naturally I'd want to be there. Higher moral ground etc.

But yeah, the insensitivity of having unbalanced invites would not be lost on me. Her problem though innit, and she'll have to live with that one not you.

Original poster
FirstTimePoll · 21/11/2019 08:07

Thank you for your responses.

I'll answer some things, but as I said I'm not going into detail.

B and C's relationships are of a similar timescale, Bs is a bit longer. Both partners lovely. No problems at all between A and partners when they met. A has met each partner once.

The thought about not inviting As partner in the future made me smile, as I think they'd decline if that was the case!

A is unaware that the imbalance is known at this point. A was originally asked why Cs partner wasn't invited and it was explained then that it's down to numbers. No evening invitation either.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/11/2019 08:11

Then rude and a snub. I'd be v hurt

Nanny0gg · 21/11/2019 08:11

Which one are you?

Throwawayteacher · 21/11/2019 08:15

I invited everyones partners to my wedding and really regret it as apart from married couples they all broke up, even my engaged friend broke up with her partner. You have already said that you haven't been dating your partner as long as B (I know you didn't want to give specifics incase you could be outed) so I think it's up to her whether she invites them. I also have a favourite BIL, so maybe even though she's only met them once she like Bs partner alot more so invited him.

She's your sister and I think it's a mistake not to go to her wedding becuase a partner you have had for a short amount of time wasn't invited, whether Bs partner was or not.

misspiggy19 · 21/11/2019 08:18

No evening invitation either for Cs partner.

This is most definitely a snub

TheCatInAHat · 21/11/2019 08:25

I’d guess A dislikes C or Cs partner (or both). Too weird otherwise.

GertiMJN · 21/11/2019 08:30

If someone asked A about C's partner why did the conversation end at "it's because of numbers"

How did the person asking respond to that? Because it wasn't an explanation of why one partner was exclude but not the other.

My respinse would have been something like "I understand that numbers are limited but why is B's parner invited but not C's?"

stucknoue · 21/11/2019 08:31

It definitely depends if a knew about c's partner when the list was written

GertiMJN · 21/11/2019 08:33

stucknoue the OP says

Sibling A has met both partners once due to logistics of life/distance.

PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 08:35

That’s really rude and I’d be upset. I wouldn’t miss the wedding but I’d be quite unhappy.

eddielizzard · 21/11/2019 08:36

This sort of thing causes irrevocable damage, because no matter what they do to mitigate it, the thought was there. A has hurt C, even if she now invite's C's DP, C will know that her DP is the expendable one. Not even an evening invite is really a kick in the teeth.

If I were C I'd not want to go, but I think it also depends on what the relationship between A and C is generally like. I'd probably end up going for the parent's sake. A is behaving awfully.

Alyic · 21/11/2019 08:37

Siblings should always get a plus 1

CraftyYankee · 21/11/2019 08:40

So it sounds like C was invited without a plus one, asked A and was told numbers. Then found out B was invited with a plus one.

Isn't the next obvious step to go back to A and ask why the difference? 🤔

WhatchaMaCalllit · 21/11/2019 08:45

If I were C I wouldn't go and I would be sure to tell A why. Very mean and penny-pinching.

As for the comment near the top of the thread @FirstTimePoll where you said "Minefield - thanks for your valuable contribution" I was actually coming on to say the same thing as @Beveren - it is a minefield, as in a field of land mines. When you're possibly dealing with something as explosive (in a family situation) as you have written about, it should be very obvious.

littlemeitslyn · 21/11/2019 08:52

What's a mind field?!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/11/2019 10:01

@Alyic why? My sister has a boyfriend she's been with for two years. I went to pick them up on Xmas day last year to take them to my parents. I was pregnant and he decided to start smoking a spliff in the living room while she finished getting ready. I wouldn't want him at my wedding.

My brother, on the other hand, has a fabulous girlfriend and they've been together almost 10 years so she'll probably be a BM when I get married.