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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy more for my parents than PILs at Christmas

192 replies

MakeupCheeseFogg · 17/11/2019 08:29

Have had a bit of a disagreement with DH. He asked me what I was up to when we were sitting on the sofa yesterday evening - I was on the laptop making a personalised photo calendar for my DPs. He got a bit huffy and asked if I was going to make one for PILs too. I said I hadn't planned to, but sent him the link in case he wanted to. He was still huffy and made a few pointed comments about how I buy more/better Christmas presents for my parents than for his.

For context, I do 100% of Christmas, which I don't mind doing, but he's never said he has a problem with this. He only has to sort out my present and write cards to his family. I do the rest.

I do buy more for my parents, but no more than £20-30 extra and it's usually something small/thoughtful. The reason being that DH comes from a family of five, whereas I am an only child, so I like to get my parents something extra to open. Also they provide free childcare for us over the year, and again it's a token of appreciation for that as well. Pils never have our DC (I don't have a problem with this or expect them to) . I get nice, thoughtful gifts for PILs too of course, but yes a few extra bits for my own DPs.

DP was with me yesterday day time when I picked up a few Christmas things from the shops, so he'd obviously seen what I was getting, and I run gift ideas for his family past him (which he always agrees with and I'm not sure it really sinks in)

I also am the one who makes sure we can pay for Christmas - I put away money all year in a savings account. I would say that apart from our own DC, 75% of the Christmas gift buying is for DH's large family, and that's before you factor in the visiting, making mince pies and sandwiches for the Boxing Day meet up at PILs, and all the rest of it. Whereas I only have my parents. I don't think DH appreciates how much effort I put into Christmas/his family overall, he's seeing it purely in terms of I've paid more, bought extra for my parents, and now they have a bigger pile of presents than his, when in his eyes it should be equal

Obviously there's nothing stopping him buying his parents an extra token of appreciation, AIBU to tell him that?

OP posts:
WishUponAStar88 · 17/11/2019 08:32

Yanbu at all. He’s being ridiculous and I’d be telling him he can sort and pay for all his side of the family.

queenofelves · 17/11/2019 08:33

Yanbu! He should get involved with his families present buying or do it himself if he's going to start criticising you for it

TulipsTwoLips · 17/11/2019 08:34

Why are you doing everything for his family?

Randomactofkindness · 17/11/2019 08:35

YANBU I do exactly the same!!! My parents are very involved, help weekly with childcare and are supportive whereas his are not. I also “do” Christmas so have to think of things for his family but like you say nothing to stop him sorting things himself 🤷🏼‍♀️

IWantADifferentName · 17/11/2019 08:36

‘You know what, darling? You are so right. I do buy more for my family than yours and it really isn’t fair. Why aren’t you buying Christmas presents for my parents and your family’?

BlackSwanGreen · 17/11/2019 08:37

YANBU at all. If he wants to add a thoughtful extra gift or two he is more than welcome.

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2019 08:37

On the whole I agree with you but would it be possible to give them a copy of the calendar or is it personal to your parents rather than your family?

Butchyrestingface · 17/11/2019 08:37

YANBU, for all the reasons you state.

If he wants his mummy and daddy to receive “better” gifts, then he should fuck off and buy/make them himself.

Reallybadidea · 17/11/2019 08:38

Of course YANBU but why on earth are you doing everything for Christmas?! I sincerely hope that my boys won't expect their partners to choose my presents in the future, I'd rather have nothing.

meyouandlulutoo · 17/11/2019 08:38

YANBU. He can buy his own parents an extra token of appreciation if he wants to, he is being unreasonable to expect you to do 100% of Christmas, especially as a lot of the gift buying is for his family. He is the one who is not being very thoughtful with regards to his parents.

BowiesJumper · 17/11/2019 08:39

I can’t get my head around the whole “I buy his family gifts” thing. We’ve never done that as a couple- we buy our own family their presents and both our names go on the tags. If he wants to get his parents a calendar, let him make the effort. He’s a grown up!

Original poster
MakeupCheeseFogg · 17/11/2019 08:39

I don't actually mind doing Christmas and sorting his family, I enjoy Christmas prep and I enjoy choosing gifts, putting on carols when I wrap them, and all the rest. I work part time and he works full time, so I do tend to cover these bits of family life, and again I'm happy to do so. Mostly. I'll start being very fucking unhappy if he starts nitpicking!

OP posts:
TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 17/11/2019 08:40

Are you buying gifts for his siblings too? If so you'll be spending much more money on his side of the family.

I'd tell him next year he can do his own present buying if he doesn't like it. It sounds nice that you're acknowledging the free childcare at Christmas time.

IfWishesWereFishes · 17/11/2019 08:40

I do the same; my parents probably get more personal gifts, and maybe £30 each more spent on them, but that's what happens if you don't buy the presents yourself! (I'm not snarking, I love doing it, but this is a natural consequence.)

On the calendar thing though - that's a bit petty, why wouldn't you just print a few more copies?

spongedog · 17/11/2019 08:41

All families are different. My ex-ILs had a list - you bought off the list and there were often daily items included on the list that they could have picked up in the supermarket. But that was how they wanted to do Christmas.

My mum and dad didnt particularly like Christmas so we bought a lot less but I would choose carefully for their interests so 1 item might be twice the cash value of all of ex-IL gifts.

So one family multiple parcels of low value items; the other family very few parcels.

The big issue here is your DH attitude towards all the work you do for his family. Time he cracks on with the remainder for this year. Perhaps suggest after Christmas for next year that you all stop buying for the adults.

Original poster
MakeupCheeseFogg · 17/11/2019 08:41

The calendar is quite personal to my DP- pictures of the DC at their house, with their pets etc- or else I might well have made a copy

OP posts:
spongedog · 17/11/2019 08:42

Sorry I do agree about the calendar - I did one a few years ago and the close families all got a copy. It is as easy to print more than just 1.

SimpleAndPlanned · 17/11/2019 08:42

Wait ... what?!

He should be doing his side, time to well and truly pass that buck along!

However - with a photo calendar- is it's just DC photos can he just order the same thing for ease? Or is it photos of your parents with DC?

Parkrunner25 · 17/11/2019 08:43

YANBU. If he wants his parents to have better/ different / more gifts, HE can get off of his backside and make that happen. Likewise, if HE wants them to have a calendar. CF.

Dirtyjellycat · 17/11/2019 08:43

YANBU for buying you parents more.

YABU for letting him dick out of family life and responsibility. Let him buy his own presents and stop acting like the mother of a 5 year old.

Mishfit0819 · 17/11/2019 08:43

YANBU but you can't necessarily expect him to be OK with your (valed imo) reasoning if he doesn't know /see the full picture because you 'do' Christmas.

Explain the above to him and if he still doesn't agree then let him sort his own family.

Dirtyjellycat · 17/11/2019 08:43

*duck out of
Freudian slip there. He is a dick.

BlouseAndSkirt · 17/11/2019 08:43

Is he oblivious to the childcare aspect?

Just ask him what he would like to get for his parents!

If I was doing a personalised calendar though, I would probably order 2, one for his family.

Cornishclio · 17/11/2019 08:44

YANBU. Of course you would make more effort with your family. He should be doing the same for his. I would let him sort his side out as he seems to let you do it all. He sounds lazy.

Tractorgirlz · 17/11/2019 08:45

YANBU I always buy my DPs more too, because they do more for DS and I and I know what they like. I buy MIL a few bits but everyone else in his family (except children) are down to DH to choose and buy.