To buy more for my parents than PILs at Christmas

[MakeupCheeseFogg]

Have had a bit of a disagreement with DH. He asked me what I was up to when we were sitting on the sofa yesterday evening - I was on the laptop making a personalised photo calendar for my DPs. He got a bit huffy and asked if I was going to make one for PILs too. I said I hadn't planned to, but sent him the link in case he wanted to. He was still huffy and made a few pointed comments about how I buy more/better Christmas presents for my parents than for his.

For context, I do 100% of Christmas, which I don't mind doing, but he's never said he has a problem with this. He only has to sort out my present and write cards to his family. I do the rest.

I do buy more for my parents, but no more than £20-30 extra and it's usually something small/thoughtful. The reason being that DH comes from a family of five, whereas I am an only child, so I like to get my parents something extra to open. Also they provide free childcare for us over the year, and again it's a token of appreciation for that as well. Pils never have our DC (I don't have a problem with this or expect them to) . I get nice, thoughtful gifts for PILs too of course, but yes a few extra bits for my own DPs.

DP was with me yesterday day time when I picked up a few Christmas things from the shops, so he'd obviously seen what I was getting, and I run gift ideas for his family past him (which he always agrees with and I'm not sure it really sinks in)

I also am the one who makes sure we can pay for Christmas - I put away money all year in a savings account. I would say that apart from our own DC, 75% of the Christmas gift buying is for DH's large family, and that's before you factor in the visiting, making mince pies and sandwiches for the Boxing Day meet up at PILs, and all the rest of it. Whereas I only have my parents. I don't think DH appreciates how much effort I put into Christmas/his family overall, he's seeing it purely in terms of I've paid more, bought extra for my parents, and now they have a bigger pile of presents than his, when in his eyes it should be equal

Obviously there's nothing stopping him buying his parents an extra token of appreciation, AIBU to tell him that?

I can't believe people saying OP is mean for not getting the PIL's a calender. OP has specifically organised the photos for each month throughout the year for her Parents who do a hell of a lot for her and her husband whereas the PIL's do not. Why shouldn't they have an extra little gift for all of their contributions.

Plus, they won't be getting presents from lots of other people seeing as they are a very small family so it's nice to give them more to open..

OP, I would be telling my husband to Sod off. Remind him of all the help you get from your parents throughout the year, their free childcare is saving you a fortune and I would be slipping in there that that's something his Parents never offer to help with.

It's not all about the money but surely he must realise how much you spend on bis family presents along with the extra gifts for all the different seasonal occasions. Quite frankly he's got a bloody cheek and I would be telling him that.

I do all our Christmas shopping, partly because I worked part time and better at choosing presents, I’m working and at college more hours than dh and will still do all the shopping.

I also spend more on my mum than the in laws. She does a lot more for us and i feel she deserves more spent on her. IF he want to spend more on his mum then he knows where the shops are!

It would have been really weird to duplicate the calendar for your in laws . Why on earth would they want to have photos of your parents........

If they can't be arsed to have your DC, what's the point of a calendar with them on anyway?! I'd be pointing that out to your DH, tbh................

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre - OP has said the photos are ones taken of her parents and their pets at their home with the grandchildren.

'You're right, it doesn't seem fair now I look at it. Ok, this year Christmas organising is your turn so you'll be at the helm and can make sure your parents get the best of the best! Let me know if there's anything you would like some very limited help with re shopping/cooking/organising won't you?

I leave my partner's family for him to deal with/buy for and there's not many of them.

As a result none of his siblings, nieces and nephews and now their children have received a card or a present for years on birthdays or Christmas.

This might sound petty or unfair but he's an adult with feet, a bank account and a calendar. I'm not his social secretary or his mother and I refuse to manage his life and family as well as my own.

I'm sure there have been comments about this but fuck it.

Lots of you definitely need to develop more of a 'fuck it' attitude.

I’d ask H to add money to the Christmas budget frankly.

Why are you financing, sourcing, buying and wrapping all the gifts for his side of the family? Why isn’t he contributing anything at all whatsoever to at the very least his family’s Christmas gifts?

And YANBU, I’d sit him down and tell him you are paying, finding, buying and wrapping all gifts for his side of the family. Whilst he never ever pays for, sources or wraps for any gift for either of your parents ever. So next year you will split the gifting part. You’ll do your family and your H can do his family. Sorted.

OP your shouty reply made me laugh out loud. Totally agree with you, how many times do you have to say they were photos personal to your parents.
Saying that I would almost be tempted to buy another copy so they have to spend September 2020 looking at a picture of your dad and his fat lab lol

I totally get the calendar thing. I used to do one for both sets of parents, and I would personalise them, so that PILS got a calendar with my DC alternated with pictures of their other grandchildren ⭐ Never got any comments on it and it was a lot of work so I stopped when things got hectic. Some time later MIL said 'I really liked those calendars you used to do' - bit late now!

YANBU at all OP. Have you bought things for his side yet? If not I'd be telling him he can take over!

Hi OP

Your DH is being lazy, not appreciating your efforts, and entitled.

I know you work less, but presumably you look after your child on the other days and do more housework so I'm guessing you don't get loads more downtime (unless your child is in school)? Most adults that work still manage to buy their family presents (if their family buy for each other).

I'd point out all the things you do.
Saving up. Making notes of everyonea hobbies/ preferences/ what you got them last year etc. Researching presents. Making presents eg calendars. Buying presents. Sourcing wrapping paper tags etc. Wrapping presents. Writing cards. Making Christmas food. Buying token gifts to take on visits. Organising and paying for events like polar Express. That's hours and hours of work on top of the money.

And count up the approximate spend on Christmas between your family and his. Is he really not going to contribute to any of this at all but try and micro manage exactly what you spend on your parents?? The alternative is that you agree a budget, then you manage your side of the family and he manages his.

He is being a cheeky bugger to be honest by still finding something to moan about after all you've done for him. I suspect it's some kind of guilt as he would never be arsed to sort his own calendar for his parents.

Alternative is you say fine, get them a bit less, then get them a big 'thank you're present a few months later for all the childcare help they give you

YANBU, I always get more for my parents as they do more for us not in childcare terms as they are all older dcs but I'm always asked to go with them if they go out during the week when dp is at work, if I need shopping in the week my df will take me, my parents live 10 miles away but will drop everything if I need them. my dp parents live 2 minutes up the road and I see them maybe once a month they never ring and when we do go to theirs I'm always made to feel I'm in the way YANBU yes I repeated it

Fuck that - I’d be leaving all his family to him from now on

Another thing about the calendar, even if you had ‘just’ swapped in more pics of kids in place of your DPs and fat lab, it still wouldn’t be a great present as you would be missing out so much of the rest of their family and very much “just look at our children everyday”. In a big family, it’s best coordinated slightly between siblings. (If you get on). So definitely a job for DH.

I absolutely agree that he should be sorting gifts for his family. But. Why not order two calendars the same if they are family pictures?

YaNBU especially in view of the child care.

I don't do Christmas because I'm some sort of control freak, it's a loose combination of having more time/caring more/enjoying the run up to Christmas, whereas DH isn't hugely bothered.

He doesn't need to care though, does he, because you pick up the slack. Perhaps he cares more than you realise if he's complaining about the lack of calendar for your parents? It also doesn't explain why you're paying for it all?

Not getting at you, OP, I just think that the unequal division of domestic labour is still a major issue for women in general.

Honestly I’m going against what everyone else is saying but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable here. I’m sure you’d be annoyed if next year he told you he was going to take charge of all the Xmas shopping and then bought your parents a set of smelliest from boots and spent much more on his parents. The argument about spending more in the family as a whole doesn’t really stand up because presumably they are also buying for you. Unless there is a massive drip feed about how you split all mortgage and bills etc 50/50 but you pay for Xmas and he spends all the extra on himself then surely it is family money and the fact that you are the one who loves money to a savings account is neither here nor there.
Completely understand that they are providing you with free childcare but why not buy them a nice Thankyou present a few times during the year instead of as extra at Xmas I’m sure they appreciate it when it’s less expected.

In your list of festivities have a dp side and your side.
Include gifts for visits etc
And then have a separate line that says childcare costs saved £ gift to say Thankyou £

@Beesandcheese But. Why not order two calendars the same if they are family pictures?

Well she could. But. Why not read the fucking thread before posting?

absolutely agree that he should be sorting gifts for his family. But. Why not order two calendars the same if they are family pictures?

Ffs

Your DH doesn't need to care because you do it all for him. I bloody love Christmas but I draw the line at financing and organising everything.

Seriously. Why are you doing this? Stop 'project managing' Christmas. Just don't do it any more. He'll soon sort it out - or not! That's not your problem. I wouldn't dream of sorting out my PILs presents. That's my partners job, obv!

@Welshrainbow her DH taking over all the Christmas shopping?? Hahaha.
If he can’t be bothered to put a calendar together for them, he isn’t going to want to do the whole of the shopping. So I think it’s a moot point really.

And I doubt the op would be unhappy because .... she was quite happy to spend omet on a second calendar. She just didn't want to have to do it. A very different issue.

@MakeupCheeseFogg, fwiw I don’t think the issue here is the money. I suspect he has no idea how much you spend on Christmas stuff (which is also why the fact you are spending much more on his side of he family will be lost in him). I think his issue is that he likes the idea of the calendar, thinks it would be lovely for his parents and therefore expects YOU to do all the work for it.
The issue here is that he is taking all your hard work and preparation for granted, all down to preparing some savings through the year so you can afford it. And that’s why you are so angry about it (with very good reasons)

We spend more on my parents than mil.My parents do more for us and take an interest in our lives more than mil so we want to show our appreciation accordingly

Why are you financing... Why isn't he contributing...? I would presume its from joint accounts, but the OP is ensuring that they've put enough money asude throughout the year. My husband and I do not have seperate accounts, its all pooled. But anyway... I wonder if this is a difference in upbringings, I do the thoughtful but not necessarily expensive presents for my DM, the only person in my sude to buy for, and my DH doesn't get that at all as on his side its all about how much has been spent on something they'll probably take back or exchange. We have argued about this, as their are many more to buy for on his side, but I've learnt to bite my tongue (hard!). No advice, YANBU but life's too short and its not worth spoiling your good Christmas cheer over it. Many couples will not see eye to eye on how Christmas is done.