To buy more for my parents than PILs at Christmas

[MakeupCheeseFogg]

Have had a bit of a disagreement with DH. He asked me what I was up to when we were sitting on the sofa yesterday evening - I was on the laptop making a personalised photo calendar for my DPs. He got a bit huffy and asked if I was going to make one for PILs too. I said I hadn't planned to, but sent him the link in case he wanted to. He was still huffy and made a few pointed comments about how I buy more/better Christmas presents for my parents than for his.

For context, I do 100% of Christmas, which I don't mind doing, but he's never said he has a problem with this. He only has to sort out my present and write cards to his family. I do the rest.

I do buy more for my parents, but no more than £20-30 extra and it's usually something small/thoughtful. The reason being that DH comes from a family of five, whereas I am an only child, so I like to get my parents something extra to open. Also they provide free childcare for us over the year, and again it's a token of appreciation for that as well. Pils never have our DC (I don't have a problem with this or expect them to) . I get nice, thoughtful gifts for PILs too of course, but yes a few extra bits for my own DPs.

DP was with me yesterday day time when I picked up a few Christmas things from the shops, so he'd obviously seen what I was getting, and I run gift ideas for his family past him (which he always agrees with and I'm not sure it really sinks in)

I also am the one who makes sure we can pay for Christmas - I put away money all year in a savings account. I would say that apart from our own DC, 75% of the Christmas gift buying is for DH's large family, and that's before you factor in the visiting, making mince pies and sandwiches for the Boxing Day meet up at PILs, and all the rest of it. Whereas I only have my parents. I don't think DH appreciates how much effort I put into Christmas/his family overall, he's seeing it purely in terms of I've paid more, bought extra for my parents, and now they have a bigger pile of presents than his, when in his eyes it should be equal

Obviously there's nothing stopping him buying his parents an extra token of appreciation, AIBU to tell him that?

Just tell him what you have told us so he can see how much more you do for them than he thinks, and mention the childcare

Then tell him that as he doesn’t think you are being fair you will leave present buying to him for his whole family, he can sort the food etc you do for them, starting this year

I'd don't think you should be doing everything and I don't think it's unreasonable to get your parents more as appreciation of help provide. However ordering two calendars rather than 1 is hardly hard work

Mug

Make him sort out his parents presents.

That should shut him up

We don't do gifts for the adults in his family, but proper gifts for the nieces and nephews, of which there are quite a few on his side and none on mine. However we also do a lot of visiting on his side, lots of Christmas buffets are held, that sort of thing, and I always bring a tub of quality street/wine/a candle for the hosts, plus usually a tray of some sort of food. Not that I'm counting the cost because I'm bloody not, I'm happy to do so and I don't begrudge it, but it has pissed me off that his family naturally require a lot more time, money and effort, and he's moaning about an extra £30 towards my mum and dad. He's not looking at the bigger picture

YANBU. DH's family never get Christmas/birthday presents from us for that exact reason, we just send cards.

Photo gifts I would do for both families, it seems quite mean not to. Throw 12 kid photos on a calendar, done.

Regarding gifts, it works out as loads for my family because they all do presents, but DH's family only do kids and a present-pick game. They all know that one side does gifts and one doesn't, it's just their individual ways. If you see gifts as a swap, then it makes no difference. I get most of the presents because I'm more organised. DH would do it, but he'd have to be sent out last minute because of procrastinating (and will be anyway for my gifts and some Santa bits). This year so far DH has bought the gifts for two of my adult male relatives and I got stuff for the kids in his family, just depends who's better at picking. Yes, sexist, but I had no ideas for them whereas I saw stuff for the kids in his family.

I would take a break one year and tell him needs to sort it, so he sees how much work there is.

Yanbu at all
Let him buy all his own presents in future. My dh buys for his family and I buy for mine, I definitely get my parents more presents than he gets his but that's his choice.

I wouldn't just be spending a little extra on my DP's I'd be treating them big time for their help with DC. Tell him if
he wants to spend the same on all DP's, you'll agree and he can pay your DP's for childcare... petty fecker.

I would make specific gifts to your DP as "thank you for the childcare you do" and just ask if he would rather pay your DP for their help than an extra couple of gifts once a year?

He's not looking at the bigger picture because he's not got any input to Christmas whatsoever. If he was responsible his side of the family (which as a presumably functioning adult he should be capable of) he would know how much effort nd money is expended on them.

I’d have just done two of the calendar, seems very petty not to have done. You could easily have swapped a couple of pictures if you really had too.

I’d be really cross if DH did this. It sends the message to the children that one side is more important when the see only one set ha s one. Not to mention if he worked far less whilst I financed the bulk and was told to find time to do my own.

I couldn't order two calendars, I'd have to make another calendar.

The calendar I ordered for my parents is personal to them. For example, I made a point of taking pictures of the DC in a certain area of their garden in summer, then again in autumn as contrast, pictures of the DC with DPs, DC with their pets. I doubt PILs would want a picture of my dad and his fat labrador staring at them all through September 2020!

Do a spread sheet of what you spend on his family and what you spend on yours.
Very simple, all in black and white.

DH does not "finance the bulk" of Christmas, actually. I save for it out of my earnings, which are in fact about 75% of DP's

Of DH's, not DPs

You finance all of it as well and he got huffy? He needs to take responsibility here tell him fine he can do he side and you can do yours including sorting for the buffets

My answer when DP micromanages anything that I'm doing for him is that he's completely welcome to do it himself.

You are doing something personalised and special for your parents - he is welcome to do the same for his.

Throw 12 kid photos on a calendar, done.
I know, even a man could do it.

In 35 years I have never given ils presents a thought. We are 50/50 on Christmas, except for the cooking and food buying which DP does himself.

We definitely spend different amounts on our parents, because they are in very different circumstances. One side is very comfortable financially, no problems, buys what they need when they need it; and as a result they don't get much for Xmas as there isn't much left to buy them! So token presents there. The other side has just the pension, in council housing, disabled; that side gets given more but presents that are useful such as clothes and food.

There's no resentment. We give what we feel they need (and we can afford). My main approach is that I want to give something that will be used / useful, and not just sat on a mantlepiece or put in a drawer.

YANBU. My inlaws do more for us than my parents in terms of childcare (live much closer!) so I think this should be reflected. We are planning to get both sets of parents the same expensive gift but I did tell DH that his mum like might a new ipad cover too with a pic of the kids on it.
She saves us a fortune so I cannot begrudge a little extra on her.

YABU with this "I don't mind doing all of Xmas" bollocks. Start minding, and start expecting him to do his share.

YANBU!

For example, DH buys for my parents & they buy for us really thoughtful presents. I don't buy for PIL because whenever I did they said thanks to DH! I found that appalling, so no more € from me to PIL! They never buy for us & when they do they buy cheap pyjamas or extra cheap perfume. So nope.

What a crybaby.....
Why doesn't he step up and takes care of his parents and side of the extended family?
How do your ILs feel when their own son drops the ball and doesn't bother to think of what they might like as a present?
I hope he is more respectful of you in other aspects of your daily life together.

OP I have the same every year...slightly different but still.In DH;s family there is 17 to buy for.I have ranted on about this on other threads so please forgive me.Now his family do nothing for us at all.They never ring to see how we are,we travel up and down the country to see them,they never come here and when we get there they don;t really want us.Then Xmas comes,so does the list.The list of everything they want.All items they would never buy themselves,all highly expensive and I know really I do you do not give presents to recieve them but for what we get from them its laughable.We ask for nothing and we get nothing,well thats a lie my daughter last year had a doll from poundland and we got a tin of biscuits to share...this was the sum total of gifts from 4 households and 17 people who demanded paw patrol garages for the kids,hugo boss perfume and radley handbags,not to mention the pandora and the joules clothing. I was spending over 1000.00. And yet I always was critisized for buying my family more things.There is 4 in my family!!! My family who are involved in our lives day to day,who spoil us rotten who treat us kindly and are always there to help and care without even asking. This year the lists came and it aint happening and it hasn;t.I am not being used anymore as a cash cow for ungrateful shits.Nor am I being made to feel guilty for doing nice things for people who put themselves out to put us first,who joyfully share our woes and triumphs every day,who laugh with us and support us and cry with us.I have radically changed my attitude this year and will do everything I want to for those I want to.When the lists came it was the usual stuff I chucked it and bought pyjamas!!! I spent 106.00 on 17 people!!! Stuff em the grabby selfish entitled shits!!!!! My family ask for nothing if I could give them the moon I would as I am so grateful for all their never ending love and support. I just am passed trying to justify or care how I am percieved by his any more.We never got a thank you any way from a single one of them once they had their hands on their goodies. Do as you wish this year,spoil those who deserve to be spolit ,,I am!!!! I apologise for my rant I genuinely do.If my DH wants to do more he can,,,He can I have done my bit! Nothing stopping him from flexing his plastic but I am done!