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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy more for my parents than PILs at Christmas

192 replies

MakeupCheeseFogg · 17/11/2019 08:29

Have had a bit of a disagreement with DH. He asked me what I was up to when we were sitting on the sofa yesterday evening - I was on the laptop making a personalised photo calendar for my DPs. He got a bit huffy and asked if I was going to make one for PILs too. I said I hadn't planned to, but sent him the link in case he wanted to. He was still huffy and made a few pointed comments about how I buy more/better Christmas presents for my parents than for his.

For context, I do 100% of Christmas, which I don't mind doing, but he's never said he has a problem with this. He only has to sort out my present and write cards to his family. I do the rest.

I do buy more for my parents, but no more than £20-30 extra and it's usually something small/thoughtful. The reason being that DH comes from a family of five, whereas I am an only child, so I like to get my parents something extra to open. Also they provide free childcare for us over the year, and again it's a token of appreciation for that as well. Pils never have our DC (I don't have a problem with this or expect them to) . I get nice, thoughtful gifts for PILs too of course, but yes a few extra bits for my own DPs.

DP was with me yesterday day time when I picked up a few Christmas things from the shops, so he'd obviously seen what I was getting, and I run gift ideas for his family past him (which he always agrees with and I'm not sure it really sinks in)

I also am the one who makes sure we can pay for Christmas - I put away money all year in a savings account. I would say that apart from our own DC, 75% of the Christmas gift buying is for DH's large family, and that's before you factor in the visiting, making mince pies and sandwiches for the Boxing Day meet up at PILs, and all the rest of it. Whereas I only have my parents. I don't think DH appreciates how much effort I put into Christmas/his family overall, he's seeing it purely in terms of I've paid more, bought extra for my parents, and now they have a bigger pile of presents than his, when in his eyes it should be equal

Obviously there's nothing stopping him buying his parents an extra token of appreciation, AIBU to tell him that?

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 17/11/2019 10:42

And then ask him if you'd prefer to sort all his family out...
Obviously only if you're happy taking all this on.

CallmeAngelina · 17/11/2019 10:42

Beesandcheese
Are you taking the piss?
If you can't be bothered to RTFuckingT, then at least read all the OP's updates.

Original poster
MakeupCheeseFogg · 17/11/2019 10:46

Right, so I've jotted down a rough list of what needs done over Christmas (while he's making breakfast, he's not all bad) including events we go to, how much they are if tickets needed, any food and gifts included. List of who I buy presents for, how much I spend. Rough timeline of the Christmas season and when I start to actively prepare for it, with a disclaimer that I actually save all year round. I'm going to present him with it and we'll have a chat about it over coffee in a bit. Not going to get all pissy with him, just laying it out. Actually seeing it written down, a HUGE amount of Christmas revolves around his family and their events, it's suprised even me. I think I'm going to frame the chat as "and this is why we need to either cut down on Christmas or you need to help too" because as I said earlier in the thread, we had discussed having a quieter Christmas and it's not happening. The number of Christmas related things DC are involved in rose exponentially last year, plus the new traditions like the Polar Express thing, plus I do a lot of Christmas stuff in work, by January we were all exhausted because it was non stop late nights out at one thing or another. So in general I think we need a rethink and we need to grow a backbone and say no to certain events that aren't DC related.

Am also going to ask which pic of my dad and fat lab he thinks his parents would prefer Hmm

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/11/2019 10:47

Hmmm.

Your updates put me firmly on your side.

He's VVVU.

RandomMess · 17/11/2019 11:02

😂 at asking him which pic he would prefer!

He is soooooo going to regret whinging about £20 of gifts Wink

CoffeeBeansGalore · 17/11/2019 11:03

Anyone else now want to see the picture of the fat lab? 😂

Btw, you are not being unreasonable.

plightofthealbatross · 17/11/2019 11:04

I would actually be furious at him.

You do all the heavy lifting for Christmas for everyone in your family and his, and you pay for it, and he's moaning?

You spend more time, effort and money catering to his large family, whereas you are an only child shoe parents actually step up and provide childcare for his children whereas his do not. And he begrudges them a couple of small extra presents from you at Christmas!

You're the only one giving them anything as an only child! And they help!

What a prat.

I'd turn over his family's costs and logistics to him entirely this year if he continues to whinge ...

MyNewBearTotoro · 17/11/2019 11:05

I’d tell him that he’s right, it’s not fair you’re buying more for your parents whilst he buys nothing for his and that from now on he can sort out all of the gifts for his side of the family and you will only sort out yours. Then he can buy and spend whatever he thinks is reasonable.

goose1964 · 17/11/2019 11:05

I'm in charge of present buying for my sister and brother in law, everyone else tends to be a collaboration between us. We have a strict budget for everyone. We never spent more on my in-laws than my dad except there's only only one of him and two of them.

Hithere2 · 17/11/2019 11:09

This is the kind of thread ILs hate.
They blame the dil for "ignoring them and not including them in the family" when dil refuses to play social secretary while their son is an innocent bystander.

saraclara · 17/11/2019 11:11

OP, I hope that at the end of that list, you've pointed out that you have used your own money for everyone's gifts (including his parents' )

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/11/2019 11:11

He’s an idiot. It’s up to him to manage this side of the family. We don’t give equal gifts either, as my family tends to prefer gifts and my DH’s prefer money.

saraclara · 17/11/2019 11:14

To be honest, in your position, I'd love to have thought quickly enough to have said, when he first brought that up:
"Yes, I've spent a little less on your parents. You, however, have spent NOTHING on them"

CallmeAngelina · 17/11/2019 11:14

OP, you're AWESOME!
please let us know how the coffee chat goes.

I have to say, Christmas would be completely shite in this house if I passed it all over to dh, and he is actually very hands-on usually.

fedup21 · 17/11/2019 11:19

I would be suggesting to him that the only contribution he has made to Christmas so far-financially, emotionally and physically-is to criticise you for not buying enough for HIS parents!

NoSauce · 17/11/2019 11:20

OP you obviously don’t believe you’re unreasonable. Why on earth did you start this thread then? Not doing your nerves any good, all that shouting.

For absolutely nothing.

BrendasUmbrella · 17/11/2019 11:27

If she gave the PILs a calendar of her dc's spending the year at her DPs house it would come off as incredibly passive aggressive anyway - "Here you go, here is what you chose to miss out on this year!"

Your DH never has to give any thought to Christmas so he probably thinks it all happens effortlessly. It's not too late for him to take over for his side of the family. Or tell him he can do that from next year. If he's discontented with what you are doing I think it might be the best way.

Snugglemonster84 · 17/11/2019 11:29

This does my head in. He should be buying his parents gifts and if he doesn't then he should jolly well be happy with whatever you get them!

TiceCream · 17/11/2019 11:34

I wouldn’t let him think you’re buying more for your parents for Christmas. I’d spend exactly the same on them for Christmas and be very clear that the additional gifts are a thank you for their childcare during the year, not Christmas presents.

alexafindfilms · 17/11/2019 12:14

YANBU, its a thank you as well.

My gifts arent equal for people. PIL (still working 5 days a week after retirement age) do 1 evening a week childcare for us and also spend £100+ on each of our family at christmas. My DM (very wealthy, under retirement age and retired) spends £20 on each of us and does zero childcare. Just comes round once a month and demands we wait on her. Also PIL are easy to buy for and very grateful. They love experiences with the grandchildren (weekends away/theatre etc). DM does nothing with the children and just wants money or vouchers for christmas. There is no way I could buy them all the same or spend the same. They dont see one another's presents so it isnt a problem.

onceandneveragain · 17/11/2019 12:59

OP, as someone who also gets Angry at the constant lack of reading posts in their eagerness to get their own (already made 100 times) fascinating point by some MNs, thank you for your shouty post.

I would have been tempted to make another (exactly the same) calendar for DH's parents only to see their confusion as they open it and flick through 'Oh....that's a lovely photo of your parents MakeupCheeseFogg' 'Oh....your parents again. I....um....like their new conservatory.' 'What a nice random dog...' 'Those are great photos from that holiday you all went on in the summer, it's almost like we were there....except we weren't,' etc.

Xenadog · 17/11/2019 13:21

OP, just hand the responsibility of all presents, cards, birthdays, mothering Sunday’s, fathers’ days and Christmas for his family over to him. Save money for Christmas for your family and half of DC’s present and then crack on.

Until you do this he will continue to expect you to basically be the present and card fairy indefinitely. Allow him to grow up and take responsibility. If he argues, tell him you feel bad that you haven’t looked after his family that well so it must be time for him to o do so.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/11/2019 13:38

I have no idea why there are women who are doing everything at Christmas time while their husbands barely lift a finger. As if they’re one of the kids.

When I was part time, I bought and sorted all my side of the family’s gifts, he did his. I generally planned what we would buy between us for our kids and would shop for them all too, as well as wrap them, although i was happy to pick up in-specific Inlaws kids’ pressies if they were being bought from the same shop as I was getting our own kids or kids on my side. The choosing and buying of stuff for his side (Christmas and birthdays) has always been his job, I would have no clue what to get them as they’re not the easiest to buy for. I think itMs the planning and purchasing of stuff that is the hassle, it’s so stressful and time consuming. So why shouldn’t that be split equally?

He has always wrapped his side’s presents too. I have no idea why I should do his relatives’ stuff just because I have a vagina. It’s bizarre. Suggesting a couple of ideas to him for the women in his family if he’s totally stuck is one thing, but doing all the thinking and grunt work is another.

Men brought up with a very sexist division of labour in households where the woman either didn’t work at all, or worked a few hours here and there tend to think “this is what the women of the household do”. They honestly need their mindset shifting.

There is absolutely NO reason why he could not do a calendar for his own family. None at all. You could have shown him the website and given him some tips but then, really, it’s up to him to actually do it!! He can select the photos he has of his parents and the kids together.

I wish people would stop perpetuating the myth that that women must do EVERYTHING in a household if they are not working FT. Yes, pick up the slack on housework and childcare and food shopping, kids’ clothes and shoe shopping, but personal presents to HIS family - no reason at all why he can’t do that!

hazell42 · 17/11/2019 13:39

I think you have made a rod for your own back tbh.
He doesn't understand how much you do, because you do it and never complain
At the end of the day, I would be disappointed if my son's partner chose a gift for me, bought it, paid for it and wrapped it. I would rather have a small present bought by my child than something larger/better bought by anyone else. That is not to disparage my kid's partners. It's saying it's not up to them.
Tell your husband you absolutely agree that his parents should be given more thoughtful, personal gifts and that, therefore, you think it only fair to bow out and leave the choosing, buying and wrapping his families presents to him
Then sit back and see how fast he changes his tune (but don't go back to the way things are now. Sod him)

73Sunglasslover · 17/11/2019 13:47

You're not being unreasonable at all. He is.

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