To buy more for my parents than PILs at Christmas

[MakeupCheeseFogg]

Have had a bit of a disagreement with DH. He asked me what I was up to when we were sitting on the sofa yesterday evening - I was on the laptop making a personalised photo calendar for my DPs. He got a bit huffy and asked if I was going to make one for PILs too. I said I hadn't planned to, but sent him the link in case he wanted to. He was still huffy and made a few pointed comments about how I buy more/better Christmas presents for my parents than for his.

For context, I do 100% of Christmas, which I don't mind doing, but he's never said he has a problem with this. He only has to sort out my present and write cards to his family. I do the rest.

I do buy more for my parents, but no more than £20-30 extra and it's usually something small/thoughtful. The reason being that DH comes from a family of five, whereas I am an only child, so I like to get my parents something extra to open. Also they provide free childcare for us over the year, and again it's a token of appreciation for that as well. Pils never have our DC (I don't have a problem with this or expect them to) . I get nice, thoughtful gifts for PILs too of course, but yes a few extra bits for my own DPs.

DP was with me yesterday day time when I picked up a few Christmas things from the shops, so he'd obviously seen what I was getting, and I run gift ideas for his family past him (which he always agrees with and I'm not sure it really sinks in)

I also am the one who makes sure we can pay for Christmas - I put away money all year in a savings account. I would say that apart from our own DC, 75% of the Christmas gift buying is for DH's large family, and that's before you factor in the visiting, making mince pies and sandwiches for the Boxing Day meet up at PILs, and all the rest of it. Whereas I only have my parents. I don't think DH appreciates how much effort I put into Christmas/his family overall, he's seeing it purely in terms of I've paid more, bought extra for my parents, and now they have a bigger pile of presents than his, when in his eyes it should be equal

Obviously there's nothing stopping him buying his parents an extra token of appreciation, AIBU to tell him that?

I always buy better presents for my family because I know their likes/dislikes better. Also my family actually response when asked for ideas unlike the in-laws! If DH wants better presents for his family then he has to go through the hassle of getting ideas and choosing presents.

You have to leave him to do it, and pay for it. Just do your family. Tell him to do his. And that needs to include the food and extra little hostess gifts. Everything.

Making him do it for 1 year. Tell him in January, sit down and write it out together. Everything to do with his family, so he then has to do it. Then leave it. For one year let him see what he has to do.

I'd be livid. I work part time do most house stuff as a result but I draw the line at doing cards/presents for the (fab! ) in laws. I do calenders tho I got into the habit of it & it's a pain! I used to do 3, one for my side one for his side n then one for us. Omigawd it's alot of work I got sick of it! Now I just do one mixed & get 3 printed :) if dh complained (he wouldn't!) he'd be told where to go!

Just buy 2 copies of the calendar!

(Completely misses the point )

Tell him if he wants to buy more presents for his parents he is very welcome to. Tell him he can also buy for his siblings and sort Santa.

I got my in-laws one of those calendars one year. It spent the entire year on the windowsill in the sitting room, still in the box it was delivered in. I don't bother anymore!

You could have made a calendar for PILs. It seems petty not to imo and a bit mean.

I'm on your side. My dh buys a present for me. That's all he has to do. I do every other bloody thing, but the presents, wrap the presents, write the cards, buy the Turkey, clean the house, cook the dinner, write the santa letters, I could go on.

He has to buy me a present.

If your dh isn't going to take any responsibility for buying presents then it's up to you and naturally your relationship is with your own parents rather than his.i spend about 20 quid on DH's folks but about 50 on mine.

Just buy 2 copies of the calendar!
But the pictures she has chosen for her parents may well not be relevant for her in-laws.
You could have made a calendar for PILs. It seems petty not to imo and a bit mean.
Have you ever done one of these Snapfish-type things? They're lovely, but take bloody AGES to edit and refine. How about her dh takes that time out of his day to do one for his own parents, if he feels that strongly about it?

"If you have a problem with what I have done for your parents, then I suggest you take care of all of the planning, prep and presents for your side of the family. You can also pay for it as well. It's worth remembering that an extra £20-30 of gifts for my parents is recognition of the hours of free childcare that they provide for us - whereas your parents don't help at all. Let me know when you've bought and wrapped the gifts, and that you've checked with MIL about the dietary requirements you'll need to cater for when making the sandwiches and snacks for her various events."

Rinse and repeat.

You could have made a calendar for PILs. It seems petty not to imo and a bit mean.

And so could her husband. Why should the wife have to do everything? Her parents’ calendar was personal to them; have you not read the thread? Why should OP have to make a new one when her husband, god forbid, is just as perfectly capable?

OP, I would stop sorting his side out and then he can’t complain. I never buy for my DH’s family; they’re his problem

I do all the Christmas present getting as well ( to be fair ,I say that as he is equal in actual paying - joint a/c )
I also write Christmas card out, the majority of which are his family as I am also an only child.
My dear mum died a few years ago , and I still cannot write out a 'mum ' card for him as it is still painful to write the word mum , but not to my mum , so he has to write that .

I buy presents for my family.
My husband buys presents for his family (except last year I bought for BIL as I happened to see something perfect for him).
I think you should tell your husband that this is how it will be from now on.

Your DH needs to contribute financially to christmas, I bet his family have no idea he's not even paying for their gifts let alone choosing them!

I think it's fine to buy your parents a bit more seeing as it's your money and your effort!

In our house we each sort our own family presents. I have a few more to get and post than DH, and I mainly do the cards and decorations. DH does the cooking on the day though.

But the pictures she has chosen for her parents may well not be relevant for her in-laws

I assume (possibly incorrectly) they are photos of her family. Her, her husband, the children.
Maybe there might be one or two of the grandparents, but they could be swapped out for the in-laws.

As I said, I did one for the in-laws one time and it wasn't used. Wasn't even taken out of the box. So now I don't bother. It's usually after Christmas when we visit so I pick up a "smelly set" in the Boots sale!

And so could her husband. Why should the wife have to do everything? Her parents’ calendar was personal to them; have you not read the thread? Why should OP have to make a new one when her husband, god forbid, is just as perfectly capable?

Absolutely, I agree with this.

Which is why I was surprised to read the OP’s post where she likes/prefers to do all of the Christmas jobs. There are some people out there who want to take on the whole role and be ‘in charge’ of everything (weirdly!)
If you want to take on this role, then I think it does become mean to exclude a set of parents like this.

Dear everloving fuck, the average reading comprehension skills of the average MNer are in severe decline.

I WAS NOT BEING PETTY RE SECOND CALENDAR

IF I HAD MADE ANOTHER CALENDAR I WOULD HAVE HAD TO DO IT FROM SCRATCH AND IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME BLOODY AGES AS THE FIRST ONE DID.

I SENT THE LINK TO DH. HE COULD HAVE MADE A CALENDAR. INSTEAD HE MOANED AT ME AND CONTINUED WATCHING A PROGRAMME ABOUT WW2 TANKS.

Thank you to all the posters who picked up on that fact and I apologise for shouting!

I totes get this. I get bloody fed up as I sort all presents/cards all year old very year for DH’s family, plus my own, plus his best mates kid. And our DC. Otherwise it just wouldn’t get done.

I get more for my parents than I do for his as my parents are very very generous to us and our DC so sort of feel I need to. Plus his mother irritates me!

So YANBU in my view.

Split up the present buying so you each buy for your own families. I can't imagine doing it any other way. How would I know what they want, better than their own son/brother would?

And you don't have to spend the exact same amount on each. My family doesn't do Xmas gifts so I spend zero on my parents. My husband spends what he thinks is appropriate.

Completely misses the point wink

You have read the multiple updates where the OP says all the photos she used were off her parents/their house/their pets, I trust!

I assume (possibly incorrectly) they are photos of her family.

When I did a photo-book for my parents, the photos were of them/us/my siblings/nephews/nieces/cousins and family events on "our" side. Those photos wouldn't have been at all relevant or appropriate in a book for mil.

I don't do Christmas because I'm some sort of control freak, it's a loose combination of having more time/caring more/enjoying the run up to Christmas, whereas DH isn't hugely bothered.

YANBU and I would have shouted long before now.

Nieces and nephews aside... you are married, they are yours too, not anyone's fault you have no siblings etc.

Christmas gifts are essentially the same. You are merely adding a thank you for the year of childcare to your parents. Your DH could have made a calendar (they take forever!) but he hasn't so far.

Dear goddess, the posters insisting that the OP is being unreasonable for not pandering to her lazy husband’s family, while he sits on his arse watching tv, is ridiculous. I know he has a dick, but he doesn’t have to use it to push the fucking keys on the laptop! I’m sure he’s every bit as capable of sorting out his own family, as the OP is.

YANBU. I love that you sent him the phonebook link!

All the arguments you put forward in this thread make a lot of sense. If you say all that to your DH I can't see how he can have a case.

I would have a think about what you really want to genuinely to and put towards Christmas and then have a chat with him.

Although he has a bloody cheek expecting you to make a calendar for his parents, as you have set up the expectation that you do everything then he has come to expect the unreasonable.

YANBU - I leave DH's family entirely to him and just do my own. It used to be way too much for me to do his family as he's got a lot of siblings and they all have DCs. I told him (well in advance) I couldn't do it one year as I was working abroad and just didn't have the time and he'd have to do his own. That year they swapped to 1 present per family which is far more reasonable.

I loved the bit about them not wanting your dad and his fat labrador looking at them in September 2020!