To buy more for my parents than PILs at Christmas

[MakeupCheeseFogg]

Have had a bit of a disagreement with DH. He asked me what I was up to when we were sitting on the sofa yesterday evening - I was on the laptop making a personalised photo calendar for my DPs. He got a bit huffy and asked if I was going to make one for PILs too. I said I hadn't planned to, but sent him the link in case he wanted to. He was still huffy and made a few pointed comments about how I buy more/better Christmas presents for my parents than for his.

For context, I do 100% of Christmas, which I don't mind doing, but he's never said he has a problem with this. He only has to sort out my present and write cards to his family. I do the rest.

I do buy more for my parents, but no more than £20-30 extra and it's usually something small/thoughtful. The reason being that DH comes from a family of five, whereas I am an only child, so I like to get my parents something extra to open. Also they provide free childcare for us over the year, and again it's a token of appreciation for that as well. Pils never have our DC (I don't have a problem with this or expect them to) . I get nice, thoughtful gifts for PILs too of course, but yes a few extra bits for my own DPs.

DP was with me yesterday day time when I picked up a few Christmas things from the shops, so he'd obviously seen what I was getting, and I run gift ideas for his family past him (which he always agrees with and I'm not sure it really sinks in)

I also am the one who makes sure we can pay for Christmas - I put away money all year in a savings account. I would say that apart from our own DC, 75% of the Christmas gift buying is for DH's large family, and that's before you factor in the visiting, making mince pies and sandwiches for the Boxing Day meet up at PILs, and all the rest of it. Whereas I only have my parents. I don't think DH appreciates how much effort I put into Christmas/his family overall, he's seeing it purely in terms of I've paid more, bought extra for my parents, and now they have a bigger pile of presents than his, when in his eyes it should be equal

Obviously there's nothing stopping him buying his parents an extra token of appreciation, AIBU to tell him that?

Easy. If he’s unhappy, tell him it’s his responsibility next year.

Oh and you are so not being unreasonable!!!

You work. He works. He could also do the calendar. That said, you are probably skilled at doing them, so if it’s just as easy as getting the inlaws gifts, I’d probably do one. That said if you’re going to drip feed he’s a lazy arse, who plays golf on a Saturday and cycles on a Sunday then, no i wouldn’t.

Good grief. Is there any reason he can’t do it himself? Is he that entitled about everything?

Well, fin you enjoy planning all of ‘Christmas’ then, OP, instead of splitting jobs, then, I think you are being a little bit unreasonable to make such a pointed difference between the in laws and your parents.

Not getting his parents a calender when you are ordering one for yours seems incredibly petty.

For everyone saying "well he can just do it all this year" let's just remember that in addition to all the Christmas grunt work that falls to the OP, all the grumbling if no one gets what they should ALSO falls to OP, not her DP. If the house is a mess, the comments generally will go to the female. My boss (at a school) told me my daughter's uniform needed ironing. I explained to her that in our family,my husband does the laundry, and so the wrinkles were his problem. Naturally though, the snide comments about lack of admin/hostess gifts/buffet contributions will likely fall to OP.

YADNBU. He's completely out of order. Agree that he needs the full spread sheet, AND be told to choose for his own family out of his own money this year. I'd be livid.

Not getting his parents a calender when you are ordering one for yours seems incredibly petty.

Except the calendar was personalised for OP's parents, with photos of them and their pets included, so she would have had to make a whole new calendar. Which her DH could have done instead of bitching and moaning.

YANBU

I spend more on my mum than on my PIL because she's on her own and there's only me and my DSIS who buy for her and my PIL have lots of friends and family who get gifts for them.
Me and DH split the cost of Christmas 50/50 but I buy all the presents. He has no idea what I spend on any of the Christmas presents for anyone or what I buy. He is as surprised as anyone else when the wrapping comes off on Christmas Day.

Next time work out the total budget available for spending on ‘families’ split it in half and give him his half to sort his family out.

YANBU

"I pay for all the Christmas presents, and I give my parents more to thank them for the child care they give us. If you care so much about what your parents get, then how about you open your wallet for them?"

Yes, I could just stop doing everything, but we'd never hear the end of it from PILs. It would make a much quieter Christmas for me! In recent years there's a Polar Express type event that has started up locally, and it has become a new tradition for everyone to book tickets to go to that together, not to mention MIL's choir concert (which I make sandwiches for) they do Christmas in a big way, which is fine but as someone who grew up with it being just the three of us and a Christmas walk along the beach, it's a lot.

I really don't see how it's petty not to get them a £9.99 calendar, last year we all clubbed together and got them professional photos done of all their grandchildren, should I have done the same for my parents then too?

I used to do photo books and got the kids photographed (cost about £30-50 in total) at this time of year, every year so us and the grandparents get sets of photos as they grow up.

Then other half moans that I spend too much on Xmas (all out of my own wages - kids presents, my family's presents, presents for his parents, half the food, panto, santa visit and his present). So, the last two years I've only bought those for my family. I used to put photos in a frame/block/book but now I just put the actual photos in an envelope for his parents.

He never lifts a finger at Christmas. I do all the planning, buying, most of the wrapping, all the cooking, booking visits to Santa etc. He then moans that he doesn't know what the kids are getting for xmas. He has no idea how much work is involved and that I start buying when all the sales and discounts are on months in advance. If left to him, he would buy everything and wrap on Xmas Eve!!!

If you don't do the Christmas preps to the required standard, there's nothing stopping contributing a bit.

Show him how much money you’ve spent on his family (all of them) and how much you’ve spent on yours. By the sounds of it, you’ve spent more on his.

Also tell him he owes you the money that you’ve spent on his, and remind him that he needs to wrap their presents.

stopping him

Why doesn’t he financially contribute

You need to talk to him about this about the fact that it’s made you feel that the work you do makes you feel under appreciated

we’d never hear the end of it from PILs
If your dh is bothered about that then he’ll do the work, won’t he?

There are two separate issues IMO. Whether you should be doing all of Christmas and whether you as a couple should be spending unequally on parents.

Surely it’s important that parents are treated fairly, in terms of effort and money. Doing a personalised calendar for one set but not the other set?! Spending more on one set not the other? Those things aren’t fair.

How you as a couple achieve that fair treatment is between you. You could either each take responsibility for your own family, split it between you, one of you do it, or whatever.

I'm going to do a budget/events list and email it to him. This Christmas was meant to be quieter and low key and already it's obvious it's not going to be (not all to do with DH or pils to be fair) but if he's going to moan then I'm going to go on festive bloody strike from now until January

As his issue is the extra gift of a personalized calendar get him doing it . At least it’s a start .

Why oh why are you financing and organising the whole of Christmas??

If I wa making a calendar with photos of the children I would do one for each set of parents but you are not being unreasonable getting more for your parents than his. He is being unreasonable expecting you to but gifts for his family. He should do it.