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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy more for my parents than PILs at Christmas

192 replies

MakeupCheeseFogg · 17/11/2019 08:29

Have had a bit of a disagreement with DH. He asked me what I was up to when we were sitting on the sofa yesterday evening - I was on the laptop making a personalised photo calendar for my DPs. He got a bit huffy and asked if I was going to make one for PILs too. I said I hadn't planned to, but sent him the link in case he wanted to. He was still huffy and made a few pointed comments about how I buy more/better Christmas presents for my parents than for his.

For context, I do 100% of Christmas, which I don't mind doing, but he's never said he has a problem with this. He only has to sort out my present and write cards to his family. I do the rest.

I do buy more for my parents, but no more than £20-30 extra and it's usually something small/thoughtful. The reason being that DH comes from a family of five, whereas I am an only child, so I like to get my parents something extra to open. Also they provide free childcare for us over the year, and again it's a token of appreciation for that as well. Pils never have our DC (I don't have a problem with this or expect them to) . I get nice, thoughtful gifts for PILs too of course, but yes a few extra bits for my own DPs.

DP was with me yesterday day time when I picked up a few Christmas things from the shops, so he'd obviously seen what I was getting, and I run gift ideas for his family past him (which he always agrees with and I'm not sure it really sinks in)

I also am the one who makes sure we can pay for Christmas - I put away money all year in a savings account. I would say that apart from our own DC, 75% of the Christmas gift buying is for DH's large family, and that's before you factor in the visiting, making mince pies and sandwiches for the Boxing Day meet up at PILs, and all the rest of it. Whereas I only have my parents. I don't think DH appreciates how much effort I put into Christmas/his family overall, he's seeing it purely in terms of I've paid more, bought extra for my parents, and now they have a bigger pile of presents than his, when in his eyes it should be equal

Obviously there's nothing stopping him buying his parents an extra token of appreciation, AIBU to tell him that?

OP posts:
PepePig · 17/11/2019 14:16

YANBU. My parents look after DD for us once a week. They buy her stuff all the time. They check in on us every few days. PIL does sfa for us. Absolutely nothing. Makes no effort, barely sees DD and when they do it's when it suits them with no notice or consideration.

You'd be dammed if they were getting the same at Christmas. Not a hope in hell.

LEELULUMPKIN · 17/11/2019 14:18

DH and I have been together 27 years and not once have I have bought the gifts for his side of the family.

He actually started his Christmas shopping for them on 17th October (before I got going!) and will be done by the end of this month.

Then again, he is a grown man who has never seen this as "wifework"

Perhaps 2019 is the year you stop doing it OP?

73Sunglasslover · 17/11/2019 14:56

I can't believe people saying OP is mean for not getting the PIL's a calender.

Me neither esp as she's not saying that OH can't get one for his parents if he wants.

HeyNotInMyName · 17/11/2019 14:58

@MakeupCheeseFogg hope your chat has gone well

DelphiniumBlue · 17/11/2019 15:00

I think I'd go with equal budgets for your family and his: there's more of his so they get less per person.
Then an extra present, maybe not at Xmas but some other time as a thank you to your parents for helping with DC.

tillytrotter1 · 17/11/2019 15:35

If he now takes £50 out of the family kitty to go and buy something extra for his parents, buys it, wraps it etc you'll be happy then, after all he's following the MN rule that he deals with his family.
I often think that many people love finding something to argue and feel superior about!

DDiva · 17/11/2019 16:58

YANBU
It's not unusual for present amounts and values to differ between families. My H buys for his family and they usually buy one large present per person. In my family we tend to buy at least 2 or 3 presents of smaller values and often smaller total value.....

Having said that every Chrismas I get both parents and our siblings something from/ of the kids ie photo/ personalised calendar/ mug etc. I can see how your H might think it would make sense for you to get 2 of the calender you're doing rather than him doing a separate one.......

Cuteypye · 17/11/2019 17:26

You are definitely NBU. Those who are there for you throughout the year deserve whatever you want to give them. I was the one who saved for Christmas and I used to spend the same on both sets of parents, despite never getting a decent present from them. Think of a box of Forrero Roche chocolates. Not too bad, except they knew I hated them, so when I opened them mil said I forgot you didn’t like them, so you may as well leave them here!

The last straw which showed me how little they thought of me was one Christmas; dh opened his present, a lovely jumper and shirt. I opened my parcel and it was a pack of 4 pairs of pants. My mil obviously saw my face and immediately said “they aren’t cheap ones”, (they were). Then as if it wasn’t bad enough she said “they didn’t fit me and I couldn’t take them back, as I had tried them on, so thought they might fit you”!! I don’t know if they would have fitted me or not as I put them in the bin as soon as I got home! That was the finish, I said to dh that he could buy the in-laws presents from now on. The look on their faces the following year when, instead of the cashmere cardigan and the special bottle of malt whisky, they got a box of chocolates and an ordinary bottle of whisky. I made sure she knew that previous presents had been bought from me when I said that dh and I had decided to buy our own families presents from now on, instead of me buying everything!

Havaina · 17/11/2019 17:28

Well done @cuteypye ! Did your DH never comment on their crappy presents to you?

AngelsSins · 17/11/2019 17:56

This is why I believe women should never “not mind” doing things. I hear it all the time, “I don’t mind doing all of christmas”, “I don’t mind doing all of the house work”, “I don’t mind doing all the cooking” etc. You might not to start with, but your teaching your partner that it’s your job, and when he starts taking that for granted, you may start to get a little peeved.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/11/2019 18:01

Yes, AngelSins, and when you DO increase your working hours to FT then it becomes very difficult to undo that unequal balance after a few years of you doing EVERYTHING.

cstaff · 17/11/2019 18:03

@cutepye
I like the way you operate. Nicely played.

Vulpine · 17/11/2019 18:07

I buy presents for my inlaws but they're from me. Ain't buying them for my dh to give. Im not his secretary.

user1487194234 · 17/11/2019 18:19

All presents ,cards etc for my DHs family are organised by him

TheWickerWoman · 17/11/2019 18:25

Oh I get similar too. With my FIL it’s his Birthday in January... we have to make a big fuss of him, take him for a meal, but him drinks.

He’s never once acknowledged my Birthday so as of last year I stopped doing it. He barely acknowledges DH’s Birthday.

Taswama · 17/11/2019 19:25

DSILs have finally started sending present suggestions to DP rather than me. MIL commented early on that she didn’t get Mother’s Day cards before I came along. But I don’t buy or write them, just mention I’m getting one for my mum.

Original poster
MakeupCheeseFogg · 17/11/2019 20:25

I'm only getting back to this thread now, we had unexpected visitors drop by...

Had the chat with DH earlier. Showed him the list inc screenshots of certain gifts so he could see the RRP across the board and appreciate why I buy certain things (children's toys for his sibling's children--he labours under the delusion that children's toys are cheap just because they are for children, yes that is the toy car transporter we got for DN, yes it does cost £25 for a small bit of plastic)

Listed all the Christmas things I do just for/with his family vs what I do for mine and what we do with our own DC.

He was very sheepish. Appreciated that he hadn't quite grasped the extent of what I do. He did try to imply at one point that some of it wasn't necessary (the hostess gifts and bringing a platter to the buffets) but I asked him to visualise the reaction if we turned up to one of these events at his parent's house empty handed, and he said "OK yes I see your point". We had a discussion about how certain things aren't necessary per se but about how they're expected, and to what extent we feel it's important to meet those expectations

The sum total is this: he apologised for his twattery and is going to take on his share of Christmas from now on- namely his family's presents and the organising for their events. I am going to cop out of certain events and he will go with DC if he wants (MIL's choir) However he will make a point of mentioning (more than once so everyone gets the message) that we are cutting down on the amount we do and spend over Christmas, as life is busy, and also that he is taking charge of his share

So we'll see.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 17/11/2019 20:30

That’s great OP. I’m glad you have both been able to discuss it and come to a sensible agreement. I dare say he will look for some guidance and reassurance regarding some of his choices, but I think that’s fair enough.

Lulualla · 17/11/2019 20:33

Is it bad that I'm always a little bit shocked when someone comes back says "we talked and he listened, apologised and is putting a plan in place for himself".

I always expect the worst from men! Feeling bad about myself now! Oops.

Original poster
MakeupCheeseFogg · 17/11/2019 20:37

Nah, DH is OK. Guilty of blurting out nonsense at times, and can exist in his own world a bit too much, can be defensive in arguments, but if you sit down calmly and point out the issue, complete with references, examples and bibliography, he'll take it on board and he's never had a problem of owning up when he's in the wrong.

I did tell him he had a choice in calendars for PILs though: Fat Labs I Have Known, or a nude one of me.

OP posts:
floraloctopus · 17/11/2019 20:39

HIs parents, his responsibility. It takes ages to do those photo calendar things.

cstaff · 17/11/2019 20:41

I don't think you could have expected a better outcome if you had planned to. Not only has he apologised but is going to start pulling his weight (and spending his own money) on his family. Here's to a nice relaxing Xmas to you OP.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/11/2019 20:42

AFatLabThroughSeptember2020 is surely up there with one of the greatest as-yet-unused usernames Grin

saraclara · 17/11/2019 20:44

It's so nice when these things work out. Thanks for the update OP. And good for your DH.

RedHelenB · 17/11/2019 20:46

Going against the grain here but if you have taken on the role of present buyer I think you should be equal re. both sets of parents.