To buy more for my parents than PILs at Christmas

[MakeupCheeseFogg]

Have had a bit of a disagreement with DH. He asked me what I was up to when we were sitting on the sofa yesterday evening - I was on the laptop making a personalised photo calendar for my DPs. He got a bit huffy and asked if I was going to make one for PILs too. I said I hadn't planned to, but sent him the link in case he wanted to. He was still huffy and made a few pointed comments about how I buy more/better Christmas presents for my parents than for his.

For context, I do 100% of Christmas, which I don't mind doing, but he's never said he has a problem with this. He only has to sort out my present and write cards to his family. I do the rest.

I do buy more for my parents, but no more than £20-30 extra and it's usually something small/thoughtful. The reason being that DH comes from a family of five, whereas I am an only child, so I like to get my parents something extra to open. Also they provide free childcare for us over the year, and again it's a token of appreciation for that as well. Pils never have our DC (I don't have a problem with this or expect them to) . I get nice, thoughtful gifts for PILs too of course, but yes a few extra bits for my own DPs.

DP was with me yesterday day time when I picked up a few Christmas things from the shops, so he'd obviously seen what I was getting, and I run gift ideas for his family past him (which he always agrees with and I'm not sure it really sinks in)

I also am the one who makes sure we can pay for Christmas - I put away money all year in a savings account. I would say that apart from our own DC, 75% of the Christmas gift buying is for DH's large family, and that's before you factor in the visiting, making mince pies and sandwiches for the Boxing Day meet up at PILs, and all the rest of it. Whereas I only have my parents. I don't think DH appreciates how much effort I put into Christmas/his family overall, he's seeing it purely in terms of I've paid more, bought extra for my parents, and now they have a bigger pile of presents than his, when in his eyes it should be equal

Obviously there's nothing stopping him buying his parents an extra token of appreciation, AIBU to tell him that?

Ha ha sounds like you nailed it OP, well done! 😂

Glad you've sorted it out. Much easier to buy for your own relatives.

@RedHelenB RTFT!

YANBU. Of course you will make more effort with your parents - they're your bloody family!

I make a photobook of the children every year for my parents. I always order one for the in laws too, simply because my husband pays for theirs and it's not too much effort on my part to add two to the shopping basket instead of one.

I then get my parents (and brother) extra, presents from the children - Grandad socks, a nice scarf for my Mum, aftershave for my brother, etc. I always tell DH to get his family (including sister and nephew) something as well and he never bothers. Not my family, not my problem, tbh.

Oh, just RTFT - good for you OP! Maybe you'd like to come and give my DH a talking too as well

Glad it's worked out Op - YWDNBU! He's bloody lucky to have you!

I do the same. My PILS so sweet f all for us where my parents babysit and do loads.

You are making your own subjugation and it’s time to stop.

Give what you choose to give freely and without resentment. Say no to the rest.

Amazing update!

@HerrenaHarridan

If you RTFT you'd see she has...

Me and DH share the present buying and spend the same amount on each set. Would seem unfair to have it the otherwise.
My SIL spends significantly less on our side of the family than her own, she does the present buying but says she enjoys it and DB works 80 hour weeks. Last Christmas my present was £180 cheaper than her sisters for example. Made me feel like shit. FWIW I have always spent more on them than they have on us, until this year when I’ve cut back.

I don't understand why any wife/partner does the buying for their other half's family. I don't say this to offend anyone but it's genuinely something I can't get at all.

I will always buy more for my mum/siblings/nieces/nephews than I will for anyone else, to me that is perfectly normal. I wouldn't spend £100 on a SIL but only £60 on a sister, whereas I would the reverse way.

If I had children, obviously children would be in the "hierarchy" alongside my mum/siblings/nieces/nephews, I can't envisage a time when in-laws would get more from me than my own blood related family because my family are mine unconditionally, in-laws (for the most part) are effectively temporary family who will cease being relevant when the relationship that ties us together ends.

I think your husband is being an idiot because it is him who should be buying the thoughtful little extras for his parents, not you. Fair enough you can get their "main" gift but for those special, sentimental gifts it should come from him, it wouldn't be sincere otherwise in my opinion.

I don't think you need to or should try to justify spending extra on your parents, nothing is stopping him from making the same effort!

Yanbu
Although ywbu to get anything for his family at all now.
Stupid man child can do it all himself if he has an issue with it!

LOL at the calendar options.

Well done though. I think it’s alwsys best to approach these things through the medium of cold hard facts. And nice to see your DH responding in an appropriate fashion. Make sure to keep his feet to the fire though.

I have found delegating ALL the wrapping has had a massive impact on my Dh’a appreciation for the Christmas effort!

Good for you op. Actual balance on all this shit is life changing.

Great update OP.

Good outcome OP.

I think there’s a gap in the market for Fat Lab calendars, I’d like one 😂