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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've got the right hump

186 replies

moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 21:18

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3737012-social-life-entitlement
I previously wrote about OH social life in the above thread.
That weekend after was lovely, had quality family time, saw extended family and made Christmas plans.
We both expressed to each other how much we enjoyed it.

Yesterday OH had an eve planned, it was booked in advance and I made sure with no timings attached.
I was happy with an eve on my own and had no expectations to be broken...perfect.
He came in at 11:30pm and made such a thing of it this morning as if he deserved a medal, I said I appreciated it which I do but it needs to be normalised especially when he has work the next day.

Anyway, due to other personal issues I've been feeling a bit down and while he was at work I expressed that to him. He responded by complimenting me, and telling me how he couldn't wait to come home to make he'll make everything better and see both me and DD.

Fast forward to it being 30 minutes over when he'd usually home, I ring no answer so I text.
He's had to stay at work longer than usual and decided he's going to have 1 pint in the pub then come home.
It had been 1hr and 30minutes since he said that when I decided to call again no answer so I text. He's then playing pool on a winning streak - as he put it.
I said that's great but you're supposed to be home with me he replied saying he knows and he will do shortly but he's living his best life at the moment.
That was 30 minutes ago.

If I choose to bring this up and express my upset I know he will say how well he did the day before and bring up the nice weekend as if that compensates for it. He'll say he never do anything right and I'll find anything to be annoyed at.
Am I going crazy or am I right?
It's about letting me down and not sticking to things.

OP posts:
Tatty101 · 15/11/2019 21:27

Hmm, I don't think language like "you're supposed to be home with me" helps your case tbh? It could seem a little demanding?

snackarella · 15/11/2019 21:29

I think you have to accept he'd rather be doing that. If he wanted to, he would come home.

I spent years fighting with someone over this and it never ends

adaline · 15/11/2019 21:30

He's made his priorities quite clear.

Do you want to put up with that kind of behaviour any longer?

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 21:35

@Tatty101 Fair enough but I'm only saying that because he laid down what to expect from the eve which is what he always does.
He told me he would be coming home to be with me and our DD as I'm upset so I don't really want to hear about how well he's doing at pool when he shouldn't even be there in the first place.
If I knew prior to all this that he would be doing this I wouldn't have a problem.
I can't just choose to go out and leave the house I have a child to look after but he can just choose to not come home after work.

OP posts:
babybrain77 · 15/11/2019 21:36

Listen to what he's saying - "he's living his best life" and it's not with you. Surely you deserve to be with someone who chooses to spend time with you - it's not a lot to ask.

Obviouslynotobvious · 15/11/2019 21:39

He seems to be telling you loud and clear you are not that important to him.

To me the issue isn't going to the pub etc but not sticking to his word. He isn't really acting like you are on the same team.

I wonder, is this who he is? Or is he up for change?

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 21:40

@babybrain77 @snackarella @adaline
On paper screen it sounds so simple and I'd be saying the same thing as it makes complete sense but when we have such nice weekends like the one I mentioned it's like I can't possible give that up maybe it's my fault for not communicating properly or whatever bla bla but then shortly after we're back to square one Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 21:40

@Obviouslynotobvious Exactly but I struggle to get him to understand this difference.

OP posts:
Elieza · 15/11/2019 21:48

Perhaps he’s taking you for granted. ‘Ah, the missus will be alright lads, let’s have a pint, I’ll not be that late home, I’ll tell her I had to work late and just have one pint rather than we all left work at 3pm and I don’t want to go home yet’ kind of thing.

Perhaps that’s how you need to rattle his cage. Next time he does that, take dc and go out for a meal or to the picture or something. No note. No text. Just don’t be there when he comes home. He will be shitting himself that he’s in deep doodoo for coming home late and what’s happened that you’re not there. Don’t leave him dinner. Don’t wash his clothes. Don’t do anything. When he confronts you remind him that he’s taking you for granted and if he wants you to stick to your word about stuff he’d better be home when he says he’s going to be in future or your off. And stick to it.

FeckaDecka · 15/11/2019 21:49

Living his best life? His best life should be with you and your family...

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 21:54

@Elieza I hate to say I've already tried that. For a few weekends I would be up and out the door at the crack of dawn on the Saturday after. I'd make plans with friends or family and only speak to him to confirm DD was safe and sound. He wouldn't know where I was or what I was doing.
I'd even offer to come meet him so he could have DD for the day while I went back to wherever I was so he wasn't missing out due my decision but he'd refuse.
Once I would return late at night he'd have a go at me for ruining his weekend by not allowing him any family time.

OP posts:
Obviouslynotobvious · 15/11/2019 22:01

In that case, sorry to say maybe you need to consider the possibility that he doesn't care enough about you to really hear what you are saying?

Elieza · 15/11/2019 22:14

Right so the facts are that he fecks off out with his mates, wants to see his kids, but encourages you to go out with yours and doesn’t see you when you’ve arranged it prior if something better comes up.
Sounds like he’s into his kids but not that into you? Sorry OP. You need to talk.

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 22:22

@Obviouslynotobvious Perhaps lol it's all just a joke really isn't it

@Elieza Apologies in advance if I have read you response incorrectly but we both only have our DD no other children and it's more that he sees us as a package. If he wanted to see his DD he would take up the offer to have her on his own when I've decided to go out with her by myself.
Instead he refuses to take her even when I'm offering to go and meet him to drop her off and then complains I've ruined time he could've spent with us both.
Yes it would appear he is not that into me but in every other way it appears he is which is why I'm still in this situation and feel mind fucked excuse my language

OP posts:
Obviouslynotobvious · 15/11/2019 22:29

What more do you think he needs to do to show you he isn't that bothered?

Obviouslynotobvious · 15/11/2019 22:30

Sorry to be blunt!

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 22:33

@Obviouslynotobvious No thank you for your advice. You are right, I just fall for all his loving shite the next day maybe fall isn't the right word anymore...more like I accept it.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 22:36

Op he is an addict who needs alcohol the effort of Thursday has caused him to drink this evening

Wafflecopter · 15/11/2019 22:38

Christ any grown adult who uses the phrase ‘I’m living my best life’ needs a short sharp slap.
What an absolute child of a man. I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this sort of shit on a regular basis OP, I agree with PPs that he obviously would rather be spending his time with his friends and larking about, than with his family. How pathetic.

Frlrlrubert · 15/11/2019 22:48

'Living his best life'? I think I'd file for divorce straight away if DH said that and meant it.

Seriously though...

If he was putting drinking in the pub above family time (whether that's at the time or due to the resulting hangover), he'd be out. I grew up with an alcoholic mother who managed to function better that that and still leave both me and DB with lifelong issues, so it's something I'm definitely not putting up with in my life as an adult.

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 23:05

Well he's still not home so I imagine this will be an early morning arrival.
So everything he said today to make me feel better was complete waste of time and I am as pathetic as he is for putting up with it.
Just don't know where to begin in changing this for myself.

OP posts:
Frlrlrubert · 15/11/2019 23:10

You can change him. Get rid.

Frlrlrubert · 15/11/2019 23:11

*can't

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 23:51

Still not home and last heard from him at 10 to 9 despite calls and texts to him.
Goodnight thanks for all the advice Smile

OP posts:
Greysparkles · 16/11/2019 00:02

Go to bed and double lock the doors so the prick can't get In

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