I've got the right hump

[moannomoanyes]

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3737012-social-life-entitlement
I previously wrote about OH social life in the above thread.
That weekend after was lovely, had quality family time, saw extended family and made Christmas plans.
We both expressed to each other how much we enjoyed it.

Yesterday OH had an eve planned, it was booked in advance and I made sure with no timings attached.
I was happy with an eve on my own and had no expectations to be broken...perfect.
He came in at 11:30pm and made such a thing of it this morning as if he deserved a medal, I said I appreciated it which I do but it needs to be normalised especially when he has work the next day.

Anyway, due to other personal issues I've been feeling a bit down and while he was at work I expressed that to him. He responded by complimenting me, and telling me how he couldn't wait to come home to make he'll make everything better and see both me and DD.

Fast forward to it being 30 minutes over when he'd usually home, I ring no answer so I text.
He's had to stay at work longer than usual and decided he's going to have 1 pint in the pub then come home.
It had been 1hr and 30minutes since he said that when I decided to call again no answer so I text. He's then playing pool on a winning streak - as he put it.
I said that's great but you're supposed to be home with me he replied saying he knows and he will do shortly but he's living his best life at the moment.
That was 30 minutes ago.

If I choose to bring this up and express my upset I know he will say how well he did the day before and bring up the nice weekend as if that compensates for it. He'll say he never do anything right and I'll find anything to be annoyed at.
Am I going crazy or am I right?
It's about letting me down and not sticking to things.

It sounds like he is an alcoholic and drug addict. Or I suppose alternatively having an affair. Going on regular all night benders until 9am the next day is not the behaviour of someone with an active social life. It's the behaviour of an addict. Who is he even with until the next day? Surely he doesn't have loads of work mates who are also doing the same thing? Is he sleeping rough or wandering the streets in the early hours? Anything could happen to him.

You can't fix this, or make him care. He has to do that for himself.

The problem is OP he does want to he does love you and your DD it’s just at the moment like a lot of addicts he loves alcohol more and that is why it is conflicting

"Yes there is usually something I could've done to prevent the situation despite him being in charge of himself." - this is the gaslighting and it is abusive; he's a grown man.

"although he has had DD on his own a handful of times." - throwing you a few crumbs and telling you to be grateful for the feast, no doubt...!

Be with people who love you this weekend because you deserve to be loved!

Maybe have a look at the Freedom Programme (you can do it online) if he is good at wheedling his way back. He is showing abusive behaviours and it will give you the tools to recognise these and protect yourself from them. He definitely sounds like he has a serious addiction problem, this is not the behaviour of someone with a vibrant and interesting social life - he's rolling turd-like behaviour in glitter and telling you to admire the gold!

I woke up this morning after last night's post thinking of you.

Keep reading the stories or people who left and are happier alone or with a new partner! You can be one of them!

I agree on the recommendation of the Freedom Programme. You can do this xx

^ *of people

It would be so much easier if he said this is me this is what I can bring like it or lump it then maybe we could even think of ending things amicably but bringing me up then dropping me is causing hate and resentment.

I will check out that freedom programme thank you, I have a few things to research which will distract me from this shit  @WorldEndingFire

From what he tells me one drink leads to another occasional drug misuse and then goes back to a work mate that lives minutes from work and pub and ends up sleeping there. Why would rather be there than your own bed I don't know!?! @darceybussell

I think I'm actually going insane as I have just received a text from him and I burst out laughing

'where are you??xx' hahahaha

He a total child and I'd end it with him. How very dare he treat you like maid and nanny whilst he does what the hell he likes.

Op surely the only reply for that text is "living your best life!"
I've been there. It's shit.

Oh bless you. This is so unacceptable.

The thing is, you don't need him to say the words, his ACTIONS are telling you to like it or lump it. You just need to listen.

Doesn't matter what he says or how he tries to twist it. Just keep repeating 'you live your life how you want and I'm going to live mine.'
'What you're saying is not my experience.' 'We see things differently.'
Don't try to get him to admit or understand or prove why he's wrong, or defend yourself, he knows he just doesn't care. Make a plan to leave.

I hope you replied back with "get fucked"

I’ve been where you are OP. It all sounds so familiar and it’s crap. I now have a partner who completely prioritises our relationship and our family. He can still have a social life - he just can’t let that social life rise to the top whenever the mood takes him.

Don't reply let him stew stay out as long as you can with no communication and wait to see his reply

No word of a lie as I type this reply Gabrielle Climi - On a mission has come on...a little bit cringe but also very perfect lmfao.

I won't be replying unless what he says consists of how is my daughter? Can't believe he hasn't asked that already.
Although that made me laugh and is a perfect reply @mogloveseggs
So far that's all he done, text asking where I am. Nothing more.

I just hope I can keep this determination after the weekend. I usually fail when it come to putting DD to bed as I think why shouldn't she be able to sleep in her cot and be relaxed in her own home. I guess I could go back home , ignore him and get cot if I can't sort an alternative.

I would be deeply tempted to reply "Living my best life" but I think ignoring him is better. Especially if you can go and stay with a mate or something so he doesn't hear from you or see you until Sunday evening. See how he likes them apples.

I could not live like this. You deserve so much more.

Sod answering texts about dd!! In the short term anyway. He didn't give a shit about you or dd all of yesterday and last night when he was in god knows whose bed. Fuck him.

Don't text him back!

Let him stew. Until tomorrow, ideally. Could you go and stay at your mums or with a friend?

Why do you need to reply if it's about your DD? If she wasn't ok you would have told him. Would he turn that on you and say you are depriving him of knowing his daughter is safe then? He didn't care how his daughter was all night I wouldn't even bother. She's safe with you and he knows that else I'm hoping he wouldn't be acting the way he is. His priorities are what they are. My DH used to be like this, we split for a year and now hes like a different person after realising his best life wasn't actually his best life. Until he realises for himself what his family mean to him you either stay and accept it or walk away as he wont be any of the things you want him to be until the light bulb moment.

Well he always harps on about how men are treated badly in a breakup and taken away from their children and if he was annoyed with me I'd like to think I'd at least have a response regarding DD but yes he didn't care previously.
Walking away seems my only option because I'm truly unhappy but please believe he will be in utter shock that I could be so bad to let one little night out ruin our relationship..so I must remember to keep to my thoughts and not let him hijack them

Why do you let him use your DD to manipulate you? For example, you only reply when he asks about DD. He only asks about DD because he knows he'll get a response.
Does he ask about her when he is out, drinking, all night?
Wake up, OP. You had a baby with a man-child who gives you family time when it suits him (and to shut the little woman up!) whilst he carries on 'living his best life' as if he was single and without responsibility.
Either accept this life and how he is (after all, why would he change?!) or change your own circumstances.

He's done a proper number on you not matter what he does it's your fault and he is a poor mistreated man

@Lifeisabeach09 to shut the little women up lol
Yep I hear you loud and clear

@InfiniteSheldon Not anymore

It’s very easy for people on the internet to suggest leaving your partner but in this instance I cannot see any happiness for you going forward. Yes, you will be sad and lonely but you are already. What you will lose is uncertainty, resentment and disappointment.

And your DD will grow up with security and stability. Your partner is clearly drinking to a binge level and also taking (probably) class A drugs, none of this can ever provide her with the security a child needs.

She deserves better, you deserve better and he deserves everything he gets. Do NOT let him sweet talk you into letting this continue. If you do it will be a matter of days before this starts again.

Best wishes.