I've got the right hump

[moannomoanyes]

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3737012-social-life-entitlement
I previously wrote about OH social life in the above thread.
That weekend after was lovely, had quality family time, saw extended family and made Christmas plans.
We both expressed to each other how much we enjoyed it.

Yesterday OH had an eve planned, it was booked in advance and I made sure with no timings attached.
I was happy with an eve on my own and had no expectations to be broken...perfect.
He came in at 11:30pm and made such a thing of it this morning as if he deserved a medal, I said I appreciated it which I do but it needs to be normalised especially when he has work the next day.

Anyway, due to other personal issues I've been feeling a bit down and while he was at work I expressed that to him. He responded by complimenting me, and telling me how he couldn't wait to come home to make he'll make everything better and see both me and DD.

Fast forward to it being 30 minutes over when he'd usually home, I ring no answer so I text.
He's had to stay at work longer than usual and decided he's going to have 1 pint in the pub then come home.
It had been 1hr and 30minutes since he said that when I decided to call again no answer so I text. He's then playing pool on a winning streak - as he put it.
I said that's great but you're supposed to be home with me he replied saying he knows and he will do shortly but he's living his best life at the moment.
That was 30 minutes ago.

If I choose to bring this up and express my upset I know he will say how well he did the day before and bring up the nice weekend as if that compensates for it. He'll say he never do anything right and I'll find anything to be annoyed at.
Am I going crazy or am I right?
It's about letting me down and not sticking to things.

@moannomoanyes I have read the full thread and I think I am living your life. You are strong and focused, I need some of your influence. All the best x

He’s a dick. Wasn’t getting sympathy and love from you so off to the hospital. Sigh. If he hits you with ‘but I nearly died’ or somesuch just remind him of his poor choices. Sigh. You deserve better. And so does his daughter quite frankly. What a wonderful example if fatherhood he is to her. Not.

I had an ex who used to go "to the hospital" every time I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He would either be "coughing up blood" or "having intense stomach cramps". He was trying to control me, I doubt he ever actually went to the hospital, he was probably sat at one of his mates houses.

Please leave this man, he isn't a partner, he's a manipulative arsehole. You (and you daughter) can do infinitely better just the two of you. You don't deserve this shit

Ah, you're supposed to feel terrible and run to his bedside.

Screw that. Let him stew.

This is absolutely classic abuser behaviour. See chart below. He may not get to the physical violence stage but he is being emotionally violent. Stay strong and be with or near people who really love you. He is using all the tools in his weaponry to make you feel guilt and upset to shame you into forgetting he is in the wrong so you will submit to him. Absolutely despicable.

Again, another treat for you and your daughter this morning. Focus on yourselves and building that loving world around you. You both deserve so much better than this nonsense behaviour.

Thank you all.
He did have a dodgy heartbeat but nothing to immediately worry about as just affects of you know what...will this be the wake up call of course it won't.
I'm out the house again.

If I were you while he's at work tomorrow I would get some stuff packed and go and stay with a friend send him a text saying you want him gone by the time you get back. My ex has a drink problem, it's no way to live your life. End it while your dd is still young.

OP start getting some proof of his behaviour if you can, via text.

'If you think I was uncaring on the phone yesterday then you should know why. I know exactly why you had a heartbest issue yesterday - the drugs you'd taken the night before. It's not acceptable to do that.' - wait for the denial - there won't be one.

'So you 'needed' to see your daughter once it because clear I'd taken her out for the day away from your drug and alcohol comedown? Funny how you didn't feel you 'needed' or even wanted to see her the day and night before when it was more fun to stay out with your friends taking drugs, not letting me know where you are and leaving me to parent alone, as usual. You aren't interested in her much less need her. You don't parent, you go AWOL on us and when in the past I've offered for you to have solo time with her to make up for time you spend away at work you REFUSE - because unless I'[m there looking after her you just don't want to know. She's a toy to you. You aren't a dad and at this rate you never will be.'

• what he will do to a text like that is either apologise (so confirming all the piss poor parenting you describe) or get angry and justify ('you begrduge me any social life') so again confirming that what you've set out in your text is what has happened.

To add to my stress I was due to start a new job tomorrow which would require OH to pick DD from his mums after his work - as if I can rely on that now.

Yes @pumpkinpie01 tomorrow will be easier with work.
@FizzyGreenWater Thank you, really good messages there.
Right now I'm choosing not to discuss anything about his night or how I've spent my time. I just don't care.

To add to my stress I was due to start a new job tomorrow which would require OH to pick DD from his mums after his work - as if I can rely on that now.

You can't rely on it anyway. Pretty soon there would be a blow up, and his tactic would be to refuse to get her to attack you.

Can you make other arrangements for DD? If this is AT ALL possible, even to a childminder - I would do it.

He doesn't like it? Tell him the other option is you speaking to his mum, and your health visitor, the best way to work around him and keep DD safe, as he is a habitual cocaine user.

Tell his mum he’s an alcoholic who is also doing drugs and you don’t trust his judgement and can she keep dc a bit longer and you’ll pick her up after your new job on weekdays?

“Light blue torch paper and retire...”
Or am I being cruel and vindictive and it could spur him to violence!? We obv dont want that. Just for the wee fanny to realise he’s an idiot and step up to the parenting plate and crack on

How are you doing today?

Don't let him ruin this new job prospect for you. Agree with other posters that he would let you down and weaponise this at another juncture, so probably better to know now and make alternative provisions. Can any friends or family help for this pick up? Can MIL keep her longer?

How is your relationship with MIL? Can you trust her or will she close ranks with him?

Unfortunately it's shift work, different each week with first shifts ending at 11pm.
I honestly don't think I can take it now.
I've been exhausted today, we've barely spoken even while I'm been at home we've kept ourselves in separate rooms for the most part.
I'm going to have to take everything day by day.

Thanks again for all your kind and supportive words X

With regards to the times he acts all loving, this is classic abuser behaviour, used when they realise they've pushed you too far, and you're in danger of leaving. So they pull out the loving, caring, supportive card, so you give them another chance.
It's only an act, used to manipulate you, for their own ends. They don't want to split up, because they currently have all the home comforts, as well as being able to do what they want.

When you offer to leave DD with him, to spend 1 on 1 time with her, he refuses, not because he wants "family time", but to stop you from going out and doing your own thing, and to isolate you. He wants you to himself, and if you have support from family and friends, you might leave him.

Don't try counselling with him, he will use it to manipulate you more.

The only solution to this, is to leave him, it will never get better, and you will always be unhappy.

Yes, actually I wouldn't take the job.

Don't talk to him about it though.

I think I'd keep my powder dry for now and work out what to do for the long term. And I'd squirrel away as much money as possible.

Would you be able to get support from your own parents? Where are they, and would you consider moving to be near them?

Best case scenario is that you could up sticks, move in with them for 6 months while you find a job, adjust, and file for divorce and get the house sold etc. Then set yourself and DD up near them, for support.

Obviously that might totally not be possible.

One thing though - DON'T hamstring yourself by thinking 'I need to stay local to H for DD's sake' - no. Right now you need to get yourself on your feet in the best way you can and that will be the best thing you can do for yourself and her long term. Because her dad doesn't give a shit. If one day he grows up and starts to, great. But right now - you don't have to stay near him, you don't have to consider him, if it's easier for you to be the other end of the country - well, he'll just have to up sticks and follow.

And do it soon, while she's so young.

This is abusive behaviour right....asking me about my day again I said I told you I don’t want to discuss just like I don’t want to know about your evening yet you keep asking. He said he’s only asked twice (which is correct but so what?) so I said well you don’t like it when I try to dissect what has happened on your nights out so I won’t and neither will I tell you what I’ve been up to. He laughed and walked away so I said go on then sit down and tell me all about it he shook his head came back and said you know if you just match the type of behaviour you don’t like from someone you will never get anywhere.
As if we’re in this situation because of me and I'm the one needing forgiveness lmfao.
@FizzyGreenWater Yes my family are near just unable to help a lot with childcare hence why I have decided to avoid the job which is a shame but for the best and I will be looking at all options thank you :)

Do you own the house?

Could you stay with your parents for a few months if you needed to?

I'd just wipe the smirk off his face by bailing, the very next day he's out for the evening.

No owning of the house, it's privately rented. Months would be a lot as it is very cramped there but they would have me. @FizzyGreenWater

I've just read the whole thread.
If you stay with this man he will just keep on doing what he's doing. He won't change. Giving him the silent treatment is pointless, going out for the day and not being there when he's home is pointless. I've been there and done those things and it doesn't change them. You do need to leave him, but I don't think you will. Sorry if all that sounds harsh it's just so frustrating to read posts like this when I've been there and I'm out of it. I hope you can be happy with whatever your choose to do x

@mrssoap Yeah I can imagine that because you're living the other side and know it's better but so many people are scared to take the leap and be on it - me being one of them.
Usually I'd say you're right but I feel really different this time and he's rudeness when we've finally started talking is only making it a lot easier

Op stay strong - he is a nasty piece of work attempting to manipulate you - you are worth 10 of him!

I hope you're ok today OP.
For what it's worth, not only have I been in a similar situation, I've also worked in domestic abuse victim support services. In my own experience and from what others have said, it's often not the worst thing they've done that makes you leave them. Something inside you just changes and you can see a little clearer the situation for what it is.
I know that my ex cheated, lied, minimised and controlled. None of those things alone made me leave (crazy I know) but what did happen is that together all of these things wore the gloss from his 'perfect' persona and I realised he was a deeply flawed human being. I was infatuated with him for a long time as we got together when I was really young and suddenly, many years later and having matured more along with him getting more controlling and more aggressive, it just clicked. I realised I couldn't do this for the rest of my life and that both me and my son deserved better.

It's not easy, but it is ultimately worth it.

OP it's BRILLIANT that you don't own the house.

You could literally walk right away - and I suggest you do.

Yes, cramped but needs must maybe?

You'd get on your feet, you'll get a job and will be ok, he'll get the shock of his life and will either have to suck up learning to be a father to his baby or fuck right off - because you certainly won't be sitting with him like a nanny while he plays with the baby. And, pay maintenance.

He is a twat, and a twat who has absolutely no respect for you. he's even proud to be 'living his best life' while his little woman sucks up sitting alone, doing the baby care. You can be so much happier and go on to better things. Go live your best life. Far away from an arrogant, overgrown druggy teenager trainee alcoholic dickhead like this.

And, you know why he's speaking to you like this, now?

Because you're now tied down with a baby so he's smugly thinking you won't leave.

So, this is how he would choose to treat you if he genuinely thought there was no comeback.

Think about that for a minute.

Thanks @Curlysue2019 and @saveallyourkisses it’s been a dramatic and draining weekend to say the least lol. I’m happy to hear that you’re on the right side of it all now saveall. I do think becoming new parents plays a massive part as well because it makes you see things from a whole new perspective.

@FizzyGreenWater I think I’m going to stay there for a few days so I can really think about my next moves in peace and everything is less intense and easier while he's at work. I will then present myself homeless to the council as there isn’t any room with anyone I know to actually live with them and I have no savings to rent somewhere on my own. Yes you’re so right, I will get there and I will be okay but each day I leave it is another day I’m stuck. Thank you :)