I've got the right hump

[moannomoanyes]

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3737012-social-life-entitlement
I previously wrote about OH social life in the above thread.
That weekend after was lovely, had quality family time, saw extended family and made Christmas plans.
We both expressed to each other how much we enjoyed it.

Yesterday OH had an eve planned, it was booked in advance and I made sure with no timings attached.
I was happy with an eve on my own and had no expectations to be broken...perfect.
He came in at 11:30pm and made such a thing of it this morning as if he deserved a medal, I said I appreciated it which I do but it needs to be normalised especially when he has work the next day.

Anyway, due to other personal issues I've been feeling a bit down and while he was at work I expressed that to him. He responded by complimenting me, and telling me how he couldn't wait to come home to make he'll make everything better and see both me and DD.

Fast forward to it being 30 minutes over when he'd usually home, I ring no answer so I text.
He's had to stay at work longer than usual and decided he's going to have 1 pint in the pub then come home.
It had been 1hr and 30minutes since he said that when I decided to call again no answer so I text. He's then playing pool on a winning streak - as he put it.
I said that's great but you're supposed to be home with me he replied saying he knows and he will do shortly but he's living his best life at the moment.
That was 30 minutes ago.

If I choose to bring this up and express my upset I know he will say how well he did the day before and bring up the nice weekend as if that compensates for it. He'll say he never do anything right and I'll find anything to be annoyed at.
Am I going crazy or am I right?
It's about letting me down and not sticking to things.

My 30 year marriage was peppered with loads of instances like that.
Don’t be me.
Get out now while you only have one child with this,an child.
I’ve been 11 years with my second husband and I’ve never ever had to wonder once where he might be..
We go out together and come come home together
He’s never once given me cause for concern
I’m living my best life
Believe me

Did he turn up in the end OP?

06:10am - still not home and had no contact from him since 20:50pm.

Hi OP

I'm so sorry. It really does seem like he has an issue with alcohol, whether he is choosing to be like this or can't help it, its having the same affect.

Its really not fair that every time he does this you are the default parent and he is effectively fucking off partying while your workload looking after a baby doubles without prior agreement. He is really acting like he is still single.

He seems to want it both ways and it genuinely seems like he can't see that he is the problem - his actions ruin family time and then he moans that he hasn't had quality family time!?

I think everyone is entitled to let off steam and if he did this once a fortnight say (or once a week alternating between week nights and weekends) then that would be fair enough as long as he wasn't ruining any plans he has made with you.

But it doesnt sound like he can stick to this. Its almost like he is acting like a teen and you are the parent trying to put down boundaries and he is expecting praise or brownie points or something for sticking to something that everyone else would consider reasonable, and blaming you for being upset with him cancelling plans rather than accepting his own behaviour is at the root of it. Expecting praise and a 'free pass' for spending a weekend with his own family when he should want to do it for his own sake.

The whole 'you knew what I was like'...well yes but he knew what you were like and you still managed to change and prioritise your new baby, like most parents.

I think if it was me the 'living my best life's comment would hurt the most...it sums it all up really. That's what he wants to do most, ahead of spending time with you.

I don't know what the answer is. Treat him like a teenager with strict rules that he agrees to about when he can go out? I would also leave him with his daughter and do some stuff on your own (I know it's hard if you're bf but at 5 months there should be eno8gh of a routine where you can disappear for a couple of hours), it's not normal that he hasn't spent any time alone with the baby.

But I have a feeling he is just going to do it again. He has shown again and again that he just slips back into old habits. You have told him loud and clear how his behaviour is impacting you and he is choosing to ignore it. Would he try counselling, it might sound different having to admit his behaviour to a third party? Otherwise I'm sorry I think you're going to have to either accept how it is, or leave. I work in an industry where a lot of after work drinks happen and the hardcore few are all divorced or have marriage issues. They are all getting older now and it's sad to see they would rather sit in the same pub with the same guys drinking the same thing every other day than actually spend time with their family.

I’m not usually a LTB sort but I’d be reassessing my whole relationship based on (a) him staying out all night and not contacting you and (b) not taking into account your feelings and listening to you when you’ve tried to talk about it.

Did you get much sleep?

@Yes and that is what’s so frustrating because both ways don’t work, certainly not for me anyway.
And this is what has caused problems before, in order to save my mental health and energy I began genuinely not caring about the going out but then he’d complain I was completely shut off but that’s what I had to do, I can’t pick and choose when to turn my emotions on like that. If you want me to care and be loving then I will in every way, if you don’t want me to then I won’t be in every way rightly or wrongly I struggle with doing that differently.

He has had time with DD on his own when I’ve gone out which was end of September and then I’m due to be out next weekend for a friends birthday. He also always says he’d have no problem if I wanted to go out more (whenever I’ve moaned at him) but with these antics how can I rely I’d be hope anyway? Plus the difference is I can’t just go out on a whim, it is planned in advance so I expect him to be available and to express etc - which I’m not complaining about but wish he’d understand that just because he can do that, he shouldn’t.

Exactly you’d think I was going for the world and what he’s achieved it unmanageable for most....
I’ve mentioned couple counselling when we discussed breaking up but he wasn’t in to it, I could try suggesting again.
Basically I need to stop allowing myself to be consumed by the loving crap that happens after the awol.

@FinnBalorsAbs

No I didn’t manage much sleep, I’m up anyway to BF but then whenever he is out like this I really struggle because I think I’m on high alert for when he walks in the door.

@GettingABitDesperateNow Sorry your tagged disappeared from my post

My first partner was like this it's hard to walk away when you have a lovely relationship when they choose to step up but they don't always choose too. You need to decide if you want, need or have any choices and then exercise them. He is very unlikely to change. I feel very sad that the hope you felt early yesterday evening of a supportive, loving partner coming home to his loving family has turned into a tear stained night of solo parenting and stress. You really deserve better.

@InfiniteSheldon That's exactly it, I was so looking forward to his return.
I hadn't left the house all day because I felt quite overwhelmed and him coming home is a nice switch up to my day.
He knew this, pretended to be there for me just to let me down when it came to showing me actions and it's that, that leaves me exhausted.

Looks like his social life will always come first, my ex was like this, he found family life boring, much more fun to be drinking/partying than been with me/kids. The resentment was massive. Sorry op but men like this rarely change, he'l keep doing this because you keep putting up with it.

Unfortunately, you just aren’t top of his priorities. It’s actually quite cruel to tell your partner, who you know is struggling, that you will be there to look after her and then ditch her for a better offer. The ‘living my best life’ is massively disrespectful to both you and your dd. I mean he hasn’t even come home yet and you have no idea where he is. This is not normal behaviour, especially when you have a child.

Honestly op, I don’t say this lightly but I think you need to put your foot down and ask him to step up. He definitely needs to respect you more. If he’s unwilling to change, you need to leave. Seems like his social life comes first, at the expense of you and your dd.

He won’t change. The more you text him, the more he will pull away.

You may love him, but do you actually like him?

rowrowrowyaboat same with my exh. I was always home holding the baby while he was out with friends. He did lots of risky behaviours too culminating in sex with other women. I've been with my second husband for 13 years. I always know where he is because he respects me enough to tell me his plans and to stick to them. He loves going out occasionally but he prefers coming home. I could never ever accept a life like that again. Pure disrespect

Sorry, my NN seems inappropriate. It wasn’t intentional.

And thats the key word @jouneytotheplacentaoftheearth...respect. To not come home, call or message, not much respect there imo.

I’d not be able to stay with him. I’d feel like everyone else around me could see his behaviour and think I was a mug and that would make my anxiety worse.

I hope he’s a fantastic explanation and it’s not just that his wants come before your needs, cause if that’s the case it really should be over

I’ve made plans for the day and aim to leave soon in hope that he returns to an empty house but even still that suits him and his hangover. It’s a shame parenthood has only changed one of us.

@SirHumphreyDrinkalot At this precise moment the answer is a strong no, but usually yes lol and no worries it’s funny.

I feel like a true mug and whatever he will say I’ve heard it all before.

Oh OP He's checked out of married and family life. I had one like this. The anxiety was awful. I was depressed, anxious and my chronic pain horrendous. Since he left I've been so much better. I'm not depressed or anxious and my chronic pain is manageable. I feel free after living in the prison of our marriage. I'm happily single now and can't recommend it enough. Divorce the twat and leave him to his best life.

What a selfish fucker.
It's one thing him just taking the piss but he's even promised to change then continues to take the piss.

How old is DD now? Does he spend much time with her playing when he's home?

Could you do this on your own? Do you have family around to help?

I used to be with someone like this, it’s such a relief now to have a partner who is reliable and we work as a team. Have our own space but being together makes life easier not harder.

I'm sorry OP, but just one incidence of staying out all night without letting me know his whereabouts would have me considering an end to the relationship, and I'm really not someone who would say that lightly. I would just be so, so angry.
He says you're welcome to go out more - how is that possible if you never know when he'll stick to his word on coming home? Who's going to look after your DD? Plus, it's absolutely ridiculous that he doesn't prioritise family time more - most parents can't wait to get home and see their children after a full day at work, you need to consider why it is he doesn't seem to feel this way?
I say this because I was in a relationship much like this when I had my first son, my ex very much saw me and baby 'as a package' so never looked after him by himself, meaning I never had time to myself, and would always make out he'd done me a massive favour by spending time with us. It's shit, you and your DD should be the best thing in his life and you should feel that way.
Is he home yet?

Seeing so many of you go from similar partners to either partners that are different or happily single gives me hope.
OH always says I wouldn't be happy with someone 'boring' and that's what he would become without his social life.
@GiveHerHellFromUs DD is still 5mo, yeah he does when he's here and I love seeing them together but this is what's frustrating he will moan that he doesn't get enough time with her, work spoils that for him and I'm so lucky to be at home with her yet he's missed out on several hours due to his random night out....(face palm)

Yeah I think I could, just don't know where to start really and it's such a big decision.

How awful for you. He is willfully ruining his own marriage in favour of drink.

He will either never change or he will only chabge following a big shock and a lot of counselling and hard work. Either way you need to leave right now and stay away for a good long while or forever if he can't sort himself out.

OH always says I wouldn't be happy with someone 'boring' and that's what he would become without his social life.

But you don't get to see the 'fun' side of him. He saves that for the pub. You are either alone or watching him sleep off a hangover! Arse

No, he’s not home yet and still not contact. I haven’t attempted to contact him since 23:50pm.
He used to use that excuse as well lol ‘Oh you never call anymore maybe if you called instead of texting once while I was out I would answer’
Exactly, it’s all on me and that’s fine but then I’d rather be single and have no expectations on someone else but it’s quite scary to make that move.
I’ve said it a lot and when he’s seen how unhappy I am it gets discussed in detail but then it’s forgotten and we’re ‘happy’ until it happens again. @saveallyourkisses you are right. You're all right.