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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've got the right hump

186 replies

moannomoanyes · 15/11/2019 21:18

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3737012-social-life-entitlement
I previously wrote about OH social life in the above thread.
That weekend after was lovely, had quality family time, saw extended family and made Christmas plans.
We both expressed to each other how much we enjoyed it.

Yesterday OH had an eve planned, it was booked in advance and I made sure with no timings attached.
I was happy with an eve on my own and had no expectations to be broken...perfect.
He came in at 11:30pm and made such a thing of it this morning as if he deserved a medal, I said I appreciated it which I do but it needs to be normalised especially when he has work the next day.

Anyway, due to other personal issues I've been feeling a bit down and while he was at work I expressed that to him. He responded by complimenting me, and telling me how he couldn't wait to come home to make he'll make everything better and see both me and DD.

Fast forward to it being 30 minutes over when he'd usually home, I ring no answer so I text.
He's had to stay at work longer than usual and decided he's going to have 1 pint in the pub then come home.
It had been 1hr and 30minutes since he said that when I decided to call again no answer so I text. He's then playing pool on a winning streak - as he put it.
I said that's great but you're supposed to be home with me he replied saying he knows and he will do shortly but he's living his best life at the moment.
That was 30 minutes ago.

If I choose to bring this up and express my upset I know he will say how well he did the day before and bring up the nice weekend as if that compensates for it. He'll say he never do anything right and I'll find anything to be annoyed at.
Am I going crazy or am I right?
It's about letting me down and not sticking to things.

OP posts:
WorldEndingFire · 17/11/2019 20:20

Well done OP. Keep checking in here, you have lots of support. Freedom is just around the corner!

Motoko · 18/11/2019 08:06

Tell the council that you're fleeing domestic abuse, and they'll have to help you. If you just say you've split up, they might try to fob you off.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/11/2019 11:03

OP I think that's a good idea.

Definitely try to get a tacit admission (or non-denial) of the drug use by text. Could be a useful bargaining tool if he starts pissing around.

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 18/11/2019 12:26

Houston we have a big problem....

So all morning I've been mentally preparing myself to spend a few night at my mum's. I read back through everyone's responses on both my threads and reminded myself of how this shit makes me feel. I had planned to sort stuff like clothes etc throughout the day and just enjoy being home alone with DD for a bit as OH isn't due back until 6pm.

Now I've just walked out the bathroom to find OH walking through the door!!
Had music on meaning I didn't get any lead up prior to the door opening so I jumped out of my skin when I saw him.
He has decided to work from home because he is still feeling unwell. He never takes a day out of office ill or not so I'm very surprised and now stuck.

I know to others it seems simple to continue with my plans but I can't bare having him here while I pack and then have him ask what's going on etc.
He's already made a dig about assuming I wouldn't be here and I said well I will be going out later or can go out sooner if it's better for you with work to which he replied where will you go? Oh wait you'll just tell me you don't want to talk about it then laughed like he's mocking me.

I think I'll have to leave it all until tomorrow Blush

OP posts:
Longfacenow · 18/11/2019 12:28

Are you sure you can't just pack a bag and go? Is it unsafe to do so? Or are you not up for the conversation it will trigger?

Twogirls19 · 18/11/2019 13:21

Oh OP, you poor thing. But it’s not a big problem. It only feels like it because you’ve had to psych yourself up. It’s a blip. Look at it as a minor 24 hour delay to the start of the rest of your life. And if you feel your resolve slipping, remember that mocking laugh. Play act today, don’t let on. He’ll be shocked when it happens because he won’t have seen it coming. And the reason? Because he has so little respect for you that he hasn’t taken your valid complaints seriously. He has chosen not to hear them because it suits him not to. Leave him to his ‘best life’. Good luck today.

saveallyourkisses · 18/11/2019 13:32

If you're safe to remain at home and you feel strongly that you want time and space to pack your things properly, maybe it would be best to remain completely neutral and 'grey-rock' today and postpone your plans until tomorrow. You haven't lost anything by delaying, and by trying to keep a cool head and not arouse any suspicion that you're going to head to your mums, he will hopefully head out to work as normal tomorrow and you can carry on with what you originally planned.
This hinges on your and DD's safety. If he suspects you are leaving and therefore is any danger to you, you need to get immediate help (from the police and then from a support services like women's aid)
If this isn't the case, and you are safe to be there, take today to simply gather your thoughts, consider the items you'll need and a mental tick list of where those things are, and rest until tomorrow. Also remind yourself that when he came home today, he was still taking the opportunity to mock you and be unkind, which only confirms how selfish and arsey he is when he isn't getting his way.
Hope you're ok Thanks

FizzyGreenWater · 18/11/2019 13:36

All grist to the mill OP!

Good stuff. Yet another example very kindly showing you how fucking nasty he is now that he thinks he's got his domestic slave exactly where he wants her. Noted!

Smile, nod and go about your day. Extra time to plan. It's fine.

But... I don't believe for a minute he's ill. You know someone quite well at this stage of a relationship, remember. I have a feeling he's not feeling entirely secure and may be thinking you would decamp... and he's come home to try and catch you. It's a bit of a coincidence.

Little shit. Just do exactly as you would do. In fact, if you think he's suspecting you'll disappear then I'd maybe even plan to leave at the end of the week, lull him into a false sense of security, let him go live his best Friday night life and roll in on Saturday to a literally scoured out house. No cot, no pram, not a single baby thing, no photo albums, no birth certificates, no clothes. Yep, you used to have a family living here mate - not any more. Enjoy the coke, did you?

FraglesRock · 18/11/2019 13:47

Could any family come round to help.
Or a tip could be to be sorting stuff out for the charity shop etc, and a pile is to be scooped up to go.
Don't forget passports, copy of his wage slips etc,

Motoko · 18/11/2019 13:50

Yes, I think he's got wind of you planning on leaving, that's why he came home unexpectedly, to catch you out.

Does he know you're on MN? Has your behaviour changed a bit since deciding what to do? There might be little signs that he's picked up on.

If you feel safe, then just postpone, and as others have said, go grey rock, pretend nothing's out of place. You've told him you were going out later, so I think you still need to, just pop to the shops for a bit, otherwise, if you don't go out, he'll get suspicious.

Keep in touch on here so we know you're ok. And don't hesitate to call the police if you get scared.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/11/2019 14:46

Make sure he hasn't found this thread.

Mind you, really it doesn't matter. You have every right to leave. And any nonsense about you not being allowed to take your dd with you are bullshit. It's just easier as you say for him to not be there.

WorldEndingFire · 18/11/2019 15:02

He's really showing his true colours. What a nasty piece of work. You are not alone and we're all here willing you on.

Can you text your mum to let her know your plans and your worries?

There is good advice here from Women's Aid about preparing to leave and making emergency plans if you need to.

Can you drop some essentials over at your friend's place who you saw the other day while you pop out?

Flowers
WorldEndingFire · 18/11/2019 15:03

Sorry meant to link: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

Original poster
moannomoanyes · 18/11/2019 15:51

I made it, I’m on my way as we speak.
The lead up felt slightly dramatic.
I continue to see his true colours but I can’t complain as it just makes this so much easier.
He doesn’t know what this site is let alone understand how to find my threads but I suppose you never know.
I tried engaging in normal chit chat by making a joke that he must feel like he’s living in luxury working from home instead of the office as I felt so nervous inside and he began blaming work for everything then said you don’t care anyway so why don’t you just fuck off.
I asked why was he turning on me? He just put his hand up to his face as if to say why are you still talking to me?
So I went in the bedroom ending up falling asleep with DD for two hours!
When we woke up it was deadly silent in the house...he had fallen asleep in the other room so I took my opportunity to creep round the house getting a few bits to fill a back pack while trying to keep DD as quiet as possible. All of a sudden he was up, I shat myself with nerves again but covered up the back pack and said I was popping to the park. I asked him if he wanted me to bring DD to him for a hug he said no but then as I was about to leave he took her from me for one...anything to be difficult (face palm) then off I went.
Haven’t heard from him and so glad to be out.
Thank you all so much, it’s been very therapeutic to write everything down and have your amazing responses to read.
This isn’t the be all and end all but it’s a start.

OP posts:
Longfacenow · 18/11/2019 15:57

It's a bloody brilliant start. Well done you!!!

Imnotaslimjim · 18/11/2019 16:47

I've just read your thread in one go and just wanted to say you are bloody brilliant. The next few days will be tough but this is the start of the rest of your life. Well done

Motoko · 18/11/2019 16:53

It's great that you've got away. Now you just need to make sure you don't get sucked back in. He will promise anything, whatever he thinks you want to hear, whatever you've told him he should do to be a good father and partner, but it will be lies.
He may cry and beg on his knees, it'll be lies. He may threaten suicide. Don't believe him about anything, no matter how sincere he appears.

When you go back to the house to collect your stuff, take someone with you. DO NOT GO ALONE!

You'll get through this, and then you'll be one of the posters on here, advising others in similar situations, and showing that there is a better life, if they can have the courage to leave, like you did.

You're doing great! Flowers

saveallyourkisses · 18/11/2019 19:14

You've done amazingly and that was so brave. Take the next few days to clear your head, you've put up with so much for so long and may need time to process everything.
He may well finally start to fear that you'll leave, and like previously mentioned, resort to desperately telling you anything he thinks you want to hear. Try to remember how he's been over the last few days as it'll tell you everything you need to know.
Try to relax this evening (easier said than done I know!) be proud of yourself, you're a great mum doing an important step of standing up for yourself, no matter what happens as the outcome, that is brilliant.

Elieza · 18/11/2019 21:19

Take care OP and good luck. This is day one of your new life.

TowelNumber42 · 18/11/2019 21:31

Now you've got to avoid your constant mistake: when his actions don't match his words, you listen to the words. Do all contact arrangements by email and ideally get someone else to read the emails and tell you if there is anything relevant to DD needing a response (and not tell you about anything else in the emails).

WorldEndingFire · 18/11/2019 23:22

Well done. How brave you've been. As others have said, this is the first step and the first day. Build up your strength. Eat well, take rest if you can. Talk to your mum if you're able. Definitely speak to friends. Lots of self-care as the next steps will be challenging and you will need a clear mind. Be with people who love you as you will need to draw upon strength and confidence to get through this next bit.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 19/11/2019 12:06

Thinking of you today OP Thanks

Icanflyhigh · 19/11/2019 12:50

Well done, you've managed brilliantly xx
Thinking of you x

Ihatecbeebies79 · 19/11/2019 13:00

Your OH loves his time away more than he loves you and DD. He may be wonderful in some aspects, but he does not want to be 'stuck' at home with you and DD. Please free yourself up to either be happy on your own, or to one day meet an OH who values you and the life you have. Xxx

WorldEndingFire · 20/11/2019 09:35

How did the weekend go? Hope you're okay.

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