I've got the right hump

[moannomoanyes]

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3737012-social-life-entitlement
I previously wrote about OH social life in the above thread.
That weekend after was lovely, had quality family time, saw extended family and made Christmas plans.
We both expressed to each other how much we enjoyed it.

Yesterday OH had an eve planned, it was booked in advance and I made sure with no timings attached.
I was happy with an eve on my own and had no expectations to be broken...perfect.
He came in at 11:30pm and made such a thing of it this morning as if he deserved a medal, I said I appreciated it which I do but it needs to be normalised especially when he has work the next day.

Anyway, due to other personal issues I've been feeling a bit down and while he was at work I expressed that to him. He responded by complimenting me, and telling me how he couldn't wait to come home to make he'll make everything better and see both me and DD.

Fast forward to it being 30 minutes over when he'd usually home, I ring no answer so I text.
He's had to stay at work longer than usual and decided he's going to have 1 pint in the pub then come home.
It had been 1hr and 30minutes since he said that when I decided to call again no answer so I text. He's then playing pool on a winning streak - as he put it.
I said that's great but you're supposed to be home with me he replied saying he knows and he will do shortly but he's living his best life at the moment.
That was 30 minutes ago.

If I choose to bring this up and express my upset I know he will say how well he did the day before and bring up the nice weekend as if that compensates for it. He'll say he never do anything right and I'll find anything to be annoyed at.
Am I going crazy or am I right?
It's about letting me down and not sticking to things.

You wouldn't be happy with someone boring...yes because sitting at home wondering where the fuck he is, again, and having to sort yourself and your daughter out the next day when he is hungover, is so fucking exciting! Also it's a bit of an insult to imply spending time with your own new family is boring

Do something lovely for yourself today if you can; even if it's something simple like grabbing some food you like or having a bath. You deserve so much better than this: you're not an incubator, cleaner and live-in babysitter. You're doubtless a wonderful human being with a lot to give and you deserve someone who sees that, respects it and cherishes it. I'm afraid this man sounds absolutely vile and like an absence rather than a presence in your life.

Oops sorry for the swears

@FairiesontheSwing Hit the nail on the head so I leave the house so do my own thing so I'm not sitting that stewing in hatred and I'm an awful person for stopping family time.
I realise I keep repeating myself but that's what my life is like and it's so frustrating.

He had plans with you for the evening and is yet to return home from work yesterday?? Because he went to the pub?
This is wrong and he is an arse.

Sorry if this has been discussed before OP but where on earth is he going after the pubs/clubs shut? I live in a big city and the latest that stays open is 5am.

"Living his best life" sorry I'd have to say well enjoy that best life without me and our baby then!

What a dick saying that and staying out all night. Sorry you are putting up with this you deserve better.

How old is the baby? How old is your OH? Sounds immature? We were 22 when we had our first son (unplanned) and also went through a phase similar to this although not as bad. I had enough and split up with him for several months when our son was about 5 months old, it gave him a kick up the arse and he realised what he was going to lose, he changed a lot and grew up. He ditched his immature mates who were all single and child free and only interested in getting really drunk, he then really went out for the odd birthday, work Xmas or leaving do and was never home stupidly late and would always let me know when he was on his way back etc. He prioritised our little family and made time for us. He moved back in with us before our son turned 1 and we got married the following year and celebrate our 10th anniversary this year and now have two other children.

So it can work out but your OH has a lot of growing up to do and decide what his priorities are - if that is getting drunk with his mates or spending time with his family. Only he can decide this, you can't force it or change him but you can stop putting up with his behaviour and he'll either change or he won't. Good luck x

I've just read your first post and I'm so angry and upset for you. So not only does he get to go out when he pleases, come home when he pleases and spend entire 'family' days hungover and useless - he also gets to be annoyed about you choosing to opt out of that shitshow and spend time without him?! Controlling, self important, selfish arsehole!
Your DD is currently very little and perhaps doesn't feel the full effects of her dad wilfully ignoring her for his own selfish needs. However, it will come time very soon that she also feels hurt that he promised to be home and didn't bother showing up. Or that Daddy is always 'grumpy' (hungover) when you all are spending time together. You don't deserve this. She doesn't deserve this. He said he would change when you got pregnant. He said he would change when you had the baby. He acknowledges it's wrong one minute then minimises and excuses it the next. He's a narcissistic idiot OP, I'm sorry but his needs are always coming first and you're expected to wait in the wings for when he feels like 'getting his family out of the box to play with them.' I hope you're ok this morning.

Had a similar situation with my DH after our LO was born. I kicked him out, said we could co parent etc. After a bit of time apart we both realised this is what we want, had couples councilling which was brilliant and not something I thought he'd ever agree too. And now we're happier than we've been in years. Maybe time for a bit of tough love to realise how you really feel about it all?

It sounds as though he’s an alcoholic. Once he starts it’s almost impossible for him to stop. You both knew that “one drink” would turn into this but he’s in denial and you believe in hope over experience.

I’m not blaming you but nothing will ever change when you keep doing the same things.

I think he’s an alcoholic because the alternative is he’s a raging shit who doesn’t care about you. So now the choice is, will he seek help for his addiction? And if he doesn’t, will you leave?

Op lookup 'gaslighting' - he sounds like a typical case. That paired with the alcoholism means I'd call it quits. Now.

Thank you for all your replies, really appreciate it. It’s easy to feel unreasonable about something when the only other person you discuss it with is the one doing it but you’ve shown me that I’m not.
@WorldEndingFire your words are really kind, thank you.
OH acts like I’m a complete fool to chuck everything away over his outings so I get confused with how I’m supposed to feel but I suppose it will take getting to the other side to realise how much better it is.
@Icanflyhigh Yes that’s right and it’s a common occurrence
@BoomyBooms Exactly and I don’t know anything more as last heard from him at 20:50pm. Usually it’s been going back to his mates.
@icecreamsundae32
He’s approaching 30 and DD is approaching 6 months. I’m glad to hear your situation changed into a positive one, I’d like to hope mine could too but as of yet it’s all mouth no action when help is discussed.
@saveallyourkisses Thank you. I’m not okay but I’ll be alright. Even reading your post makes me think how am I not more crazier with so much back and fourth in my situation.
I will look up gaslighting.

It just gets worse for you! Ultimately his behaviour is awful and completely the opposite of what you and his daughter want and need right now. Sounds like you have been extremely tolerant for a long time, too. You have to be comfortable with whatever decision you make, it's easy for us to sit here and hand out well intentioned advice. I think I know what i'd do though. Take care of yourself

What a dick. Please don’t believe his lies that you’ll be sad and lonely without him, you’ll be much happier without someone making you doubt yourself and not being there for you. Get out while you can, your daughter deserves better.

He’s being extremely selfish, and the way he runs his social life is completely incompatible with having a young baby.
The ‘living my best life’ is extreme offensive, and with him drinking so much so regularly it think it’s indicative of him having an alcohol problem.

He probably had such a nice weekend with you so that you wont bother him for a while. As if he did his deed to last you a while. Why do you need to beg someone to care about you. I would honestly feel so pathetic if I had to do that. Everyone is telling you what hes telling you as well. Hes living his best life- and it's not with you!!

Sorry you’re going through this crap OP. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Perhaps he knows he’s in the doghouse and that’s why he didn’t come home. Time to start thinking of what you want going forward, like you stay in the house while he moves into a flat while you see how you both feel, (with a view to selling and splitting the money later) or getting back together next year if he attends AA and stops drinking for six months, or you may want to move out if that suits you better. Time to start thinking of yourself. Good luck OP

You can't be made to feel guilty about throwing anything away when there's nothing to throw away. He's got far more to lose. You're having to shoulder the emotional and domestic burden on your own and manage the hurt he causes with this behaviour and absence. An occasional helper who pitches in at their convenience is not a partner.

It's all very convenient for him, so of course he won't want you to move on because as things stand he can have his cake without having to pull his weight (to mix a few metaphors).

A partnership is founded on respect and shared responsibility and this man doesn't seem to have much respect for your time, or your love, nor does he have any real sense of duty to you both as a unit or the three of you as a family. He's behaving like a teenager, and he allows your world to shrink and become more difficult and lonely to allow him to do so. The smaller he makes your world, the more difficult for you to see that it doesn't need to be like this - whether he intends it or not it's abusive, not how you treat those you love.

You and your daughter deserve so much better than that.

A little treat for yourself today, whatever it is. A small walk and a sandwich in a cafe. A nice meal and something you love to watch while you BF. A chocolate bar. A bath. Get in touch with a friend.

You and your DD are worth so much more than this. This may out me massively, but ex H would regularly bugger off in his camper van and leave me at home with first one, then 2 and then 3 DC.
He would turn off his phone and give me sooner treatment for as long as he felt necessary. To punish me for whatever he felt I had done.

And I was always there waiting when he came back. Until one day just over 5 years ago, I wasn't.
Best thing I ever did.
I changed the locks and I never let him cross the threshold of my house ever again. A year later I started divorce proceedings and I divorced him.

Yes he was a bastard about it, particularly when I found out he'd been servicing a large amount of women on the side while purporting to attend to their plumbing issues.

Faat forward 5 years, I have a wonderful DP who accepts my 15, 10 and 7 YO as his own, we atw getting married next year. He rushes home from work most days to just "be" with us, he's helpful and does his share around the house, he supports us financially and I finally know what it is to have an equal relationship. In 3 and a half years we haven't argued - there is nothing to argue about.
We talk, we laugh, we share - and as cringeworthy as it is, we ARE living our best lives!

Please get out before this drags you down xx

So many typos up there^, but you get my drift!

*silent treatment!

Definitely look up gaslighting as it does sound like he is doing this from what you've written.

If you are close to and in touch with your family it might be worth organising to spend the weekend with them somewhere you can be comfortable, honest about the situation, and looked after to recuperate a bit and to get your mental strength up. If not then a close friend.

Don't go out, throw all his stuff in bags/suitcases put it by the front door or outside and call a locksmith to change the locks. Block him, blank him, grey rock him.

I left the house at 9:30am with no OH in sight at and still had no contact.
I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do long term but short term I won’t be talking to him at all other than to answer any direct questions about DD and to let him know that I don’t want to spend the night with him so either he finds somewhere to go or I will.
I know I sound like a broken record but lots of thanks to you all, I have read every single post and you’ve made me feel a lot stronger just need to make sure I keep it up when he begins all the soppy bullshit.

OP, I really feel for you. A few things jump out at me. You say he wants you and DD together which suggests that he values spending time with you, not just DD. Sorry to possibly cause more hurt, but has it occurred to you that he only needs you there on those occasions because you’re the ‘nanny’ and he can’t cope with DD on his own? I only thought of this because this was exactly what my ex was like until DC reached about 4 yrs old. He’d freak if I suggested I needed some daytime ‘me’ time at the weekend.

I also experienced a lot of reassurances and love etc when things were going his way. It took me years and years (and discovering Mumsnet) to learn about gaslighting and realise it was happening. I mean, seriously, maybe he’d get back to you if you called instead of texted? That is total bullshit. It’s staggering that he’s trying to blame you for him going off into the night without letting you know where he is.

And I agree with PP. This isn’t going to change because, right now, it works for him. He keeps getting away with it. The only way he MAY change is if he knows you’re serious about not tolerating it any more. And that might mean going your separate ways and insisting on counselling if he wants a chance to start again.

Yes you’re probably right although he has had DD on his own a handful of times.
I only believe he wants to spend time with me as well because he says so and the way our relationship has been since DD arrival he’s had plenty of opportunities to tell me otherwise. He has complained that we don’t do date night etc but then when are we supposed with his antics!?!
Yes there is usually something I could've done to prevent the situation despite him being in charge of himself.

This is partly why it’s so stressful because I get conflicting info from him.
Yes I’m going attempt being tough I say attempt because he is very good at worming through. Thank you :) @Twogirls19