Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Can't afford Child maintenance payments.

257 replies

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:13

Name change due to this being very outing!

DP has 2 children from a previous relationship. Of course there's been bumps in the road but overall everyone gets on okay and preciously there have rarely been any big issues between DP and his ex.

However, DP's ex is one of those 'you're not seeing your kids' type if he disagrees with her at all. For example, if she wants to go out on a Thursday (not his contact day), and he can't change his plans to look after them she will text him 'you're a shit dad and you're not seeing your kids again-I'm changing their surnames' etc... kind of thing. Not very nice at all. However DP has learnt to cope with this and now only makes arrangements to pick the kids up and doesn't entertain anything else.

Moving on, DP's ex has recently become worse and has been messaging abuse to us both- also saying things to upset the children etc... and has completely took a flip on her child maintenance stance.

Previously, due to the horrendous amount of debt his ex left him in (he stupidly took it on as He didn't want bailiffs turning up at his children's home). The arrangement was for DP to pay a lower rate of maintenance, organised by himself and his ex- this is so he could pay the debt and stay afloat. We buy the children lots of things also- basically they don't want for anything from either parent.

However, DP has currently changed jobs, he is receiving a lower pay rate however is much happier in this job which is also more stable. He didn't even mention it and carried on paying his maintenance as usual. However now his ex is filing a CMS case (which I know she is more than entitled to do- before anyone says anything). But DP simply can not afford the rate in which he would have to pay as he is still paying their debts. After rent, debts, bills and maintenance he would not have a penny left- meaning no petrol, no food etc... he's really stressing and doesn't know what to do.

His ex has rang him and explained all of this and he asked if she was struggling for money etc... that's where the change of heart come from? She said no, she just wanted to make life harder for him. Very petty to say the least.

Anyway, Is DP BU to contest this? No idea how he can even?! But should he just bite then bullet and pay the higher rate even if he cannot afford it? He is a great dad and this has really upset him. We know she is obviously legally entitled to this money, but it's sometimes so unfair for some dads as the CMS system doesn't take circumstance into account very often..

Opinions and advice welcome! Thanks 😊

OP posts:

c3pu · 15/11/2019 18:20

There is very little he can do.

He shall need to pay the rate the CMS come up with based on his earnings and the amount of contact he has with children, and taking into account any children living with him. Then he must meet his other financial obligations. Perhaps he can get some help restructuring his debts to make things more affordable? Has he used the online calculator to see what sort of figure the CMS may arrive at?

Can you increase your earnings? Anything you earn isn't factored into CMS payments so would be useful to prop up the financial situation.

Original poster

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:25

@c3pu

Hi, thanks for replying- I agree I didn't think he'd be able to do anything else unfortunately 😔 I just wanted to check. Yes the online calculator is how he's checked everything. It just seems so unfair! I fully understand that the system is there to ensure that all non residential parents pay their way however it just seems very flawed..

I'm currently back in full time education so living off my personal savings plus student loan so unfortunately can't up my earnings.

It's just sad because now we will have to cut down on lots of things for DC which they will definitely notice 😔

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2019 18:26

Kids come before debts

He needs to get professional help, so he can sort out a debt repayment plan and free up some money.

Weepingwillows12 · 15/11/2019 18:28

Is the debt in just his name? Can he hand half of it back seeing as she has changed the agreement? Otherwise he needs a job that pays more as I think he will have to pay.

Original poster

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:28

@WorraLiberty

Fully understand this and so does he. However it is still very much a blow.

Unfortunately DP's credit is not shining so he will find it extremely hard to shift things around. The debt was very much manageable until now. Now I have no idea what we will do 😬

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2019 18:28

I'm currently back in full time education so living off my personal savings plus student loan so unfortunately can't up my earnings.

And yet knowing that, knowing he needs to pay CM and knowing he has debts to pay, he changed jobs to a lower paid one?

He does need professional help I think, as debts can quickly spin out of control.

Original poster

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:31

@WorraLiberty tbh he had no idea that she would act this way- lesson learnt.

However his job change was due to his company having to let staff go- wasn't eligible for redundancy. He thought this new job would be better as although it is lower pay there was little risk of him waking up with no job.

He understands his kids come first but I can completely understand his side of things too

OP posts:

Original poster

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:32

@Weepingwillows12 I hadn't thought about that, but I'm not sure of the legalities around this.

All it means is that the children will essentially be worse off when at their dads house. And unfortunately we will be too...

OP posts:

Hopoindown31 · 15/11/2019 18:36

The only advice I have is for him to make a record of everything. Every time he actually looks after the kids and every abusive text or other communication she sends him. The first one to make sure that he isn't actually looking after the kids significantly more than the CMS is basing his payments on (considering the ex seems to regularly ask him to look after them outside agreed contact hours) and the abusive messages in case the situation gets worse and this ends up in court.

NorthernSpirit · 15/11/2019 18:36

He can ask the CMS for a variation in maintenance payment based on ‘prior debt’

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance/child-maintenance-2012-scheme/child-maintenance-reviews-and-appeals/the-2012-child-maintenance-scheme-grounds-for-a-variation/

As for her using the children as weapons to punish him - he needs to formalise contact through the courts to take her perceived power away.

HugeAckmansWife · 15/11/2019 18:37

CMS is what it is and as a % of income is nowhere near what an RP spends on their children. I sympathise with the situation in regarding her attitude but he was foolish not to deal with the debt issue properly at the time. He shiuld see a debt charity /advisor to sort that out and pay the cms as assessed.

Original poster

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:40

@Hopoindown31

Thanks for your reply, totally agree. We have been keeping a log for a while now and do have lots of awful texts, voicemails, letters, emails from herself... will check contact time also. Thank you 😊

@NorthernSpirit thanks I wasn't aware of this, u will have a look 😊 yes I think you're right. It's just hard as she makes everything so difficult so I cannot imagine how gruelling court would be... however needs must!! Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

ThisMustBeMyDream · 15/11/2019 18:41

Came to say what NorthernSpirit said. He needs to ask for a variation on the prior debt, as long as it isn't credit card debt.

CallieCat19 · 15/11/2019 18:41

If he doesn’t pay it then CMS can have a court order to take the money directly from his pay check so that’s not really an option :/ do they not take any debts you have into consideration?
Are the debts in his name or ex’s name?

Original poster

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:42

@HugeAckmansWife totally agree- I think he just wanted out (relationship was very much mentally abusive)- but he knows looking back he was silly to do this. Thanks for the reply, I will pass the message on to him about the debt advisor 😊

OP posts:

Tattooedmama · 15/11/2019 18:43

Unfortinately i dont think there is anything he can do, as soon as a claim is made then arrears can start racking up if he dont pay.
Its not nice when ex partners use the children as a weapon to get at the nrp.
Do you have children together?

AngelsSins · 15/11/2019 18:48

I have sympathy for his situation, but fathers have to support their kids, that’s not negotiable, and CMS is already way below half the cost of raising a child most of the time. Look at it this way, whilst I completely understand why he changed jobs, resident parents don’t have that luxury. If they took a lower paid role that meant they couldn’t provide for their kids, they could end up in prison for neglect.

I think he needs to pay for his kids, but can he look into making her pay for half the debt?

Tonz · 15/11/2019 18:52

Unfortunately he is as much responsible for his children’s upkeep as his ex is. Regardless of how much debt he is in his children still need to eat and be clothed. Children cost a fortune to raise and he should pay his way it’s not his kids fault he’s in debt

MrsAgassi · 15/11/2019 18:54

It may be worth speaking to a debt charity to see if the debt can be restructured. Sometimes they will negotiate with creditors for you.

Original poster

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:54

Thanks for everyone's replies- yes he definitely needs to pay for his kids this he understands. It just seems so morally wrong from her but I guess you can't expect that much from that certain type of people! DP's ex doesn't work but receives a very high slice of income from her parents, so as awful as it sounds I don't really feel bad for her as she has no idea what it is like to work for money.

Answering a previous Q- We do not have children together. I miscarried our baby at 12 weeks this year unfortunately. But I admit our situation would be 10000x worse with a baby. No matter how heartbroken we were/still are

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 15/11/2019 18:55

Do you have children?
How old are all the children.
Also could be ask for court order so you have children more? 50/50

Proseccoinamug · 15/11/2019 18:58

Is the debt in joint names? I might be wrong but I understood that the child maintenance includes everything he gives his ex so that would include paying her share of the debt? If it’s in his name only of course that wouldn’t apply.

Livelovebehappy · 15/11/2019 18:58

Bad idea to take a lower paid job whilst op is in full time education. It would be difficult maintaining one family home in this situation without having to partially maintáin a second one too. Can’t you get a part time job op which will then take the pressure off him at least in regards to supporting both of you?

Shamoo · 15/11/2019 18:59

I would tell her that you will pay the higher amount but it leaves you with no option but to sue her for her half of the debt. Depends on whose the debt name was in etc as to whether you could do anything about that, but the threat may be enough.

Tattooedmama · 15/11/2019 18:59

Sorry to hear about your loss

I know how you feel apart from im the resident parent, my ex has 2 children and 1 on the way with his current partner and dont pay me a penny for our 2 teenagers.
Hes a benefit scrounger and quit his last job 11 years ago when i tried to claim cms, hes not worked since. Hes a waste of space.
I wish i could have even have £10 a week

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread