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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't afford Child maintenance payments.

257 replies

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:13

Name change due to this being very outing!

DP has 2 children from a previous relationship. Of course there's been bumps in the road but overall everyone gets on okay and preciously there have rarely been any big issues between DP and his ex.

However, DP's ex is one of those 'you're not seeing your kids' type if he disagrees with her at all. For example, if she wants to go out on a Thursday (not his contact day), and he can't change his plans to look after them she will text him 'you're a shit dad and you're not seeing your kids again-I'm changing their surnames' etc... kind of thing. Not very nice at all. However DP has learnt to cope with this and now only makes arrangements to pick the kids up and doesn't entertain anything else.

Moving on, DP's ex has recently become worse and has been messaging abuse to us both- also saying things to upset the children etc... and has completely took a flip on her child maintenance stance.

Previously, due to the horrendous amount of debt his ex left him in (he stupidly took it on as He didn't want bailiffs turning up at his children's home). The arrangement was for DP to pay a lower rate of maintenance, organised by himself and his ex- this is so he could pay the debt and stay afloat. We buy the children lots of things also- basically they don't want for anything from either parent.

However, DP has currently changed jobs, he is receiving a lower pay rate however is much happier in this job which is also more stable. He didn't even mention it and carried on paying his maintenance as usual. However now his ex is filing a CMS case (which I know she is more than entitled to do- before anyone says anything). But DP simply can not afford the rate in which he would have to pay as he is still paying their debts. After rent, debts, bills and maintenance he would not have a penny left- meaning no petrol, no food etc... he's really stressing and doesn't know what to do.

His ex has rang him and explained all of this and he asked if she was struggling for money etc... that's where the change of heart come from? She said no, she just wanted to make life harder for him. Very petty to say the least.

Anyway, Is DP BU to contest this? No idea how he can even?! But should he just bite then bullet and pay the higher rate even if he cannot afford it? He is a great dad and this has really upset him. We know she is obviously legally entitled to this money, but it's sometimes so unfair for some dads as the CMS system doesn't take circumstance into account very often..

Opinions and advice welcome! Thanks 😊

OP posts:
Aloe6 · 15/11/2019 19:04

Can he not have the children more often? If he has them 50% (or as close as possible) then the maintenance rate would be nil or much lower.

mrsbyers · 15/11/2019 19:04

Even in full time education you should be able to fit in some part time work - I did 10 hours comfortably around a degree and that wasn’t working weekends

RandomMess · 15/11/2019 19:08

Remember that providing the Dc with your care and love and not bad mouthing their mother is worth an awful lot.

Ok so you won't be able to afford to buy them stuff, take them out but just be age appropriate honest. "Daddy has to change jobs, we can't afford that so how about we do x instead"

Thanks

Hopefully he can get his debt restructured to help ease the situation.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 15/11/2019 19:09

Lower paid job is at least a job- the ex would get nothing if the OP’s dp was made redundant! Good on him for having a strong work ethic and for being so involved in his kids lives! His ex sounds very manipulative and controlling!

I would definitely suggest that your dp take his ex to court to get access. He might be able to get more access, especially if the ex is demanding that he watch the kids outside of contact arrangements.

Butterymuffin · 15/11/2019 19:20

'OK, as you're set on doing everything by the letter of the law, I will do the same. That means no more variations on the contact arrangement and the possibility I go to court to formalise that'.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 15/11/2019 19:23

It looks like he can ask for a variation if he is paying off a loan/debt that was taken out when he was in the relationship (if it was taken out in the family home that his ex and children still reside in)

You may be able to claim expenses if you pay a mortgage, loan or insurance policy on the home where your ex-partner and the children are living. However, you must have no legal share in the property.

‘Prior debts

If you’re legally liable to repay certain debts that were run up before you and your partner separated, you can ask for a variation. This could be, for example, a loan taken out for home improvements. They are also called prior debts. You can’t ask for a variation for debts such as credit cards or arrears of fines.’

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 19:26

Thanks for replies everyone- we will have to look more into the debt to see what we can do about that.

Yes we've never bad mouthed their mother @RandomMess that is not what either of us are about. X

For all the queries about my job- I do have one, this goes towards our household bills. I have always worked and will never stop working 😊

Thanks @Caledoniahasmyheartforever for seeing things as DP has seen them. Unfortunately he had to take a hit on earnings but was a lot better than him being unemployed! He's a very hard worker and always tries to provide the best he can.

Definitely will tell him that if she wants to do things by the book he should too- so no unauthorised contact etc...

Thanks all for the fab info- me and DP will look into it all- very appreciated x

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 15/11/2019 19:27

Well again he has made a rod for his own back here.
Firstly never pay off your ex's debt regardless of the consequences - their debt is their problem.
Don't make private financial arrangements with an ex it's really stupid and make proper childcare arrangements through the courts.
Lesson learnt I think.

stucknoue · 15/11/2019 19:29

Child maintenance does not cover the costs of raising kids, he needs to work out a way to pay, take a second job perhaps. It really is his responsibility

Techway · 15/11/2019 19:41

With 2 children and no deductions for nights the rate is 16% of gross salary. This will drop if he has contact time.

Are the debts accounting for rest ( 80%+) of his salary. If that is the case he needs to see a debt advisor quickly as in a very poor position.

Was he previously married?

Justwondering605 · 15/11/2019 19:44

Why on earth are people banging on about the OP and her finances? It's not her responsibility to support her partners ex (or subside her partner frankly!) just because she fancies some extra cashHmm

RandomMess · 15/11/2019 19:47

I like how some people think the ex has no responsibility for paying off her debt...

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 19:48

Obviously he can't take a second job, he already works lots of hours so not the best suggestion unfortunately.

Yes did think involving my finances was a bit weird! We are not married although we do help each other out I didn't have his kids 😂

Thanks for the responses- he definitely does need to see a debt advisor. He has tried to make things more manageable however with poor credit it's not the easiest thing to do! X

OP posts:
Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 19:48

He defo needs a conversation with the ex about the debt. Definitely a lesson learnt x

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 15/11/2019 19:59

I empathise a lot as we are in a similar situation. My partner left his previous relationship with most of the debt and then got into more with living costs and a job that did not pay enough to cover them plus his child support.

He has progressed in his job and had a significant pay rise since then but also restructured his debt into one loan, and took advantage of 0% credit card transfers, its manageable now and he will be debt free in 3 years.

The kids always have to come first and I knew when we got together that I would be providing the majority of the spending money for fun stuff etc. After we had our son I have to pay all the nursery fees to go back to work because he can't afford to contribute, and I couldn't afford to be a stay at home mum because he couldn't cover all our costs on his own which does sometimes make me a bit sad but we knew what the situation would be when we decided to try for a baby.

Basically I know its tough but if he can get his debt looked at, and you can focus on when it will be paid off then it makes the now more bearable. I just keep in mind that if we have a second the debt will be paid off and I can spend more time at home then if I want :)

middlemuddle · 15/11/2019 20:07

Can he go on a DRO?

maddiemookins16mum · 15/11/2019 20:12

Phone CAP - a fabulous debt charity. They’ll give great advice and help.

CallmeAngelina · 15/11/2019 20:16

How did he "take on" the debt from his ex? Is there any way he can pass it back to her, if she persists with her plan to get more money from him via CMS?

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 20:21

@LivingDeadGirlUK ahhh Great to see we're not the only ones in this rubbish situation! It is really grim and I just hate how the father always looks like the bad guy! When in reality, a lot of mothers are very manipulative. Completely agree with you about the debt being the problem, this defo needs to be sorted he just has no idea where to start. We've looked into debt consolidation but it's unlikely that he'll be able to get a good rate. But we will see 😊 thanks x

Not sure the details about how he took on the debt- I assume it was shared debt and he stupidly took it on to ensure the kids would never have bailiffs coming to their house etc...

Will defo have a look at these charities etc.. thank you x

OP posts:
heatingsoup · 15/11/2019 20:23

Whose name is the debt in?

willstarttomorrow · 15/11/2019 20:23

OP, I sympathise. Late DH was paying 60% of his salary in CM and also on top paying of his debts accrued in the last few year of their marriage. He felt guilt at the marriage ending and to some extent was trying to compensate for being the non -resident parent. He was trying to maintain the lifestyle his family had when there (understandable) but his ex did not want to go back to work, all children in High School.
The non -resident parent always gets a hard time on mumsnet. I am a lone parent now and understand how hard it is financially it is. However I have seen the other side. In our case it was DH ending up in tens of thousands of credit card debt and then debt plans and me basically funding everything (including costs to see his children, paying for their debts as they became young adults and all presents).

I also work with children and families and on occasion get dragged into private law. For a previous poster who suggests that this is what the Family Courts are for, no they are not. If you are adult enough to have children then you should be adult enough to co-parent if you split up. Obviously there are exceptions, but having to write reports because parents want to use their child as a bargaining tool is incredibly depressing and a massive waste of court time. Contrary to belief on mumsnet, this is 50/50 male/female. Of course the absent parent should pay their way, and within my friendship group most do. However living as a single person is more expensive so when a couple separate, everyone take a hit.

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 20:36

@willstarttomorrow thanks for sharing your experience with me, it's been very helpful to see that he's not the only one in this situation as he currently feels really stupid for dealing with the debt the way he did. All he had was good intentions at heart and unfortunately it's backfired on him...

Yeah we would hate to take it to court and don't think it'd achieve much. The only reason we keep a log of messages is if she becomes physically abusive towards us as she had previously shown these tendencies. I just wish she'd stop being so petty, she's never worked a day in her life so she very much thinks money grows on trees. The council pay for her house and her family fund everything else. So I think she really has no idea what this will do to DP.

However, all we can do is carry in working, look into debt advice and be the best role models we can to the kids- we're a very happy family and will show the kids that although they may miss out on monetary things until we get in a better situation- they will never miss out on love and fun days with us.

Thanks for the advice everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 20:37

I think the debt is in his name, some may still be joint I'm not sure but I think he took the majority of not all on. I think he was guilt tripped big time with the thought of 'bailiffs taking the kids belongings'... he was probably young and looking for best outcome for his kids- not himself x

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 15/11/2019 21:01

Is there any reason he can't apply for joint custody?

Tonz · 15/11/2019 21:05

Sorry I believe dads should be as financially responsible for their children as mum is. If anything he should be looking into reducing his debt payments not child maintenance. It’s totally irrelevant if mum lives in a council house and gets handouts from her family ur partner has to pay his share.
My sister is a single parent and was made to feel like shit for asking her ex for what their children were entitled to