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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't afford Child maintenance payments.

257 replies

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:13

Name change due to this being very outing!

DP has 2 children from a previous relationship. Of course there's been bumps in the road but overall everyone gets on okay and preciously there have rarely been any big issues between DP and his ex.

However, DP's ex is one of those 'you're not seeing your kids' type if he disagrees with her at all. For example, if she wants to go out on a Thursday (not his contact day), and he can't change his plans to look after them she will text him 'you're a shit dad and you're not seeing your kids again-I'm changing their surnames' etc... kind of thing. Not very nice at all. However DP has learnt to cope with this and now only makes arrangements to pick the kids up and doesn't entertain anything else.

Moving on, DP's ex has recently become worse and has been messaging abuse to us both- also saying things to upset the children etc... and has completely took a flip on her child maintenance stance.

Previously, due to the horrendous amount of debt his ex left him in (he stupidly took it on as He didn't want bailiffs turning up at his children's home). The arrangement was for DP to pay a lower rate of maintenance, organised by himself and his ex- this is so he could pay the debt and stay afloat. We buy the children lots of things also- basically they don't want for anything from either parent.

However, DP has currently changed jobs, he is receiving a lower pay rate however is much happier in this job which is also more stable. He didn't even mention it and carried on paying his maintenance as usual. However now his ex is filing a CMS case (which I know she is more than entitled to do- before anyone says anything). But DP simply can not afford the rate in which he would have to pay as he is still paying their debts. After rent, debts, bills and maintenance he would not have a penny left- meaning no petrol, no food etc... he's really stressing and doesn't know what to do.

His ex has rang him and explained all of this and he asked if she was struggling for money etc... that's where the change of heart come from? She said no, she just wanted to make life harder for him. Very petty to say the least.

Anyway, Is DP BU to contest this? No idea how he can even?! But should he just bite then bullet and pay the higher rate even if he cannot afford it? He is a great dad and this has really upset him. We know she is obviously legally entitled to this money, but it's sometimes so unfair for some dads as the CMS system doesn't take circumstance into account very often..

Opinions and advice welcome! Thanks 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 21:07

@Wallywobbles she has always been really against 50/50 in the past, although we would love it... I think she just does anything opposite to what we would like.

Also we're not too sure about the solicitor processes and fees, even if we could afford to do so in our current situation. This would be a good option as then maintenance wouldn't be an issue! X

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/11/2019 21:13

You can self rep at court. Just start with formalising your typical contact.

keo8260 · 15/11/2019 21:15

Contact stepchange debt charity for advice on the debts not sure if they can help with the child maintenance payments. Look into mediation regarding access for the children as some mediation places offer to have agreements signed off by solicitors that they pay for.

Bellaxx8 · 15/11/2019 21:23

How long have they been split up?

BlackAudi · 15/11/2019 21:39

@willstarttomorrow Rubbish. They are legally prohibited from taking\asking for anymore than 40% of their income. Sounds like a lie to me.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

TheBigFatMermaid · 15/11/2019 21:48

CMS used to take into account paying off debt that was caused during the relationship. Not sure if they still do, but worth looking into.

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 21:57

@Tonz my partner has ALWAYS paid what he had been asked for/had been agreed to. He has never even thought about reducing payments. He was happy to keep everything the same. He buys the kids lots on top of everything. The question was never about reducing what he pays 😁 and for the council house comment, it was never supposed to go against her- just merely stating that she doesn't really have a clue about the value of money- thanks for sharing your experience 😊

OP posts:
Greencustard · 15/11/2019 22:01

Child maintenance does not cover the costs of raising kids, he needs to work out a way to pay, take a second job perhaps. It really is his responsibility

His responsibility? What about the mother? She doesn't work at all but OPs partner should get a second job?

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:05

Thanks for the advice on getting 50:50. We really need to look into it as really it's what we've wanted for so long. DC love being at ours so 50:50 would be ideal.

They have been split up for quite a while! Long enough for the current co parenting situation to not be so horrific...

She has messaged me tonight (after already messaging DP and getting a no😂) if I could have the children for 3 extra days this week! DP only said no as he is working, so she's asked me to take time off to mind them on non contact days... said no, just because of the current situation and the fact that they are not my children to be responsible for when she can't cooperate...Yet every time 50:50 is mentioned she hits the wall! Ahhhh some people are crackers!

OP posts:
ToelessPobble · 15/11/2019 22:07

Money saving expert lists the reputable charities for debt advice. If he does not own his own home, has no assets worth over 1k and does not have disposable income of more than £50 a month he could get a debt relief order which would completely wrote off his debts. If he doesn't meet that criteria a debt adviser could set up a payments plan which should freeze interest and give manageable payments. He does not need to pay someone to do this so dismiss the organisations which ask for a fee.

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:09

Thanks @Greencustard ! Some of the comments tonight really have made me laugh- think everyone's forgetting that there was a happily pre agreed arrangement that DP's ex has spitefully shaken up!!

I'll just tell DP to spend his 2 days a week off in a part time job- so he can pay more maintenance- but not get time to see his children? Where is the logic 😂

OP posts:
ToelessPobble · 15/11/2019 22:10

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/ The only ones I cannot see listed are community money advice who have a lot of centres around and can do DROs for free.

slipperywhensparticus · 15/11/2019 22:10

Stepchange to get it reduced and cms is 16% max maybe he shouldn't have got a lower paid job it's none of my buisness but when I was in debt I was asking for overtime

ToelessPobble · 15/11/2019 22:10

Sorry the drop is £90 but the advice and work on it is free

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:11

@ToelessPobble ahh that is probably the most helpful bit of advice anyone has shared on here tonight. We will look into this- massive help Thank you x

OP posts:
ToelessPobble · 15/11/2019 22:12

And there is no judgement. It is not about how he got in debt but where he goes from here and stops it happening again once back on a level.

Booboosweet · 15/11/2019 22:12

The mum should get off her lazy arse and get a job. That's a pisstake. Why should their dad have to do everything?

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:13

Thanks @slipperywhensparticus yeah the lower paid job wasn't ideal- however if he got laid off without redundancy so I suppose the lower paid job is a hell of a lot better than being unemployed 😊 yeah over time would be great to be honest but not available in every job sector unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:16

@Booboosweet hahah, tell me about it. However I don't want to bad mouth their mum because it makes me look awfully petty and I'll soon turn into the evil dad's girlfriend figure on Mumsnet 😂...

She won't get a job- she had never had one in her life so I can't see that changing any time soon! Just trying to get the picture across that even though DP has been paying less maintenance he has been breaking his own bank in other areas and it's all for the kids. She however, just takes and takes x

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 15/11/2019 22:20

Well she will have to get a job they dont give out benefits forever unless you work or care for someone 🤷‍♀️ his obligation will remain the same even if she works more than you

Starlight456 · 15/11/2019 22:20

The 50/50 care suggestions are stupid . Firstly it is further involving kids as pawns which it sounds like there is already enough . Secondly if he can’t afford to pay 15% cms he can’t afford bro have barge children 50% of the time . Pay 59% childcare , clothes , school trips .

Op I hope you find a way forward

Tonz · 15/11/2019 22:22

No he never thought about reducing it because by your admission he was paying the minimum.....he just doesn’t want it raised to where it should be........, same difference really 😉

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:23

@slipperywhensparticus yeah sadly no one can make her get a job though, some people are just shoot in the benefit system and don't see a need to change their circumstances. Yes I understand that but at the minute she isn't really providing for her children- just claiming for them 😬

OP posts:
SD1978 · 15/11/2019 22:25

Is any of the debt in her name, or is it all in both? He needs to talk to a debt expert- if the current arrangement is ending, then he needs to find a way to stop paying 100% of the debt if it's in both names or juts her name. The CMS side he can't do anything about, except to enquire about the debt variance and that he has been paying the debts. Were they married? Divorce would split assets and debts.

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:25

@Tonz whoops hit a nerve- it seems 😬🥴 thanks for your input anyway hun- very helpful 😉

OP posts: