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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't afford Child maintenance payments.

257 replies

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:13

Name change due to this being very outing!

DP has 2 children from a previous relationship. Of course there's been bumps in the road but overall everyone gets on okay and preciously there have rarely been any big issues between DP and his ex.

However, DP's ex is one of those 'you're not seeing your kids' type if he disagrees with her at all. For example, if she wants to go out on a Thursday (not his contact day), and he can't change his plans to look after them she will text him 'you're a shit dad and you're not seeing your kids again-I'm changing their surnames' etc... kind of thing. Not very nice at all. However DP has learnt to cope with this and now only makes arrangements to pick the kids up and doesn't entertain anything else.

Moving on, DP's ex has recently become worse and has been messaging abuse to us both- also saying things to upset the children etc... and has completely took a flip on her child maintenance stance.

Previously, due to the horrendous amount of debt his ex left him in (he stupidly took it on as He didn't want bailiffs turning up at his children's home). The arrangement was for DP to pay a lower rate of maintenance, organised by himself and his ex- this is so he could pay the debt and stay afloat. We buy the children lots of things also- basically they don't want for anything from either parent.

However, DP has currently changed jobs, he is receiving a lower pay rate however is much happier in this job which is also more stable. He didn't even mention it and carried on paying his maintenance as usual. However now his ex is filing a CMS case (which I know she is more than entitled to do- before anyone says anything). But DP simply can not afford the rate in which he would have to pay as he is still paying their debts. After rent, debts, bills and maintenance he would not have a penny left- meaning no petrol, no food etc... he's really stressing and doesn't know what to do.

His ex has rang him and explained all of this and he asked if she was struggling for money etc... that's where the change of heart come from? She said no, she just wanted to make life harder for him. Very petty to say the least.

Anyway, Is DP BU to contest this? No idea how he can even?! But should he just bite then bullet and pay the higher rate even if he cannot afford it? He is a great dad and this has really upset him. We know she is obviously legally entitled to this money, but it's sometimes so unfair for some dads as the CMS system doesn't take circumstance into account very often..

Opinions and advice welcome! Thanks 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:27

@Starlight456 to be honest, we already pay half of pretty much everything, clothes, trips etc... Hopefully we'll find a solution soon though! Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:29

@SD1978 I'm not too sure to be honest, mostly in his I think but I'm not too sure about the handover etc... we will look at all paperwork tomorrow. They were not married. Yeah defo going to look into the variance thing but otherwise we'll just have to pay the new amount.
Thanks for the advice x

This is all temporary, once I graduate I will hopefully have better career prospects and money troubles won't be too worrying anymore x

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 15/11/2019 22:30

50:50 is surely the obvious answer?

Did DH phone the debt companies and get them all changed into his name?

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:32

@Passthecherrycoke it's seeming that way! Just need to figure out the legal side of it! DP's ex has never been too keen on the idea but never mind I'm sure we can make it work. I'm not too sure about the debt companies but I will ask him about this tomorrow! Thanks 😊

OP posts:
Proseccoinamug · 15/11/2019 22:36

If you already pay half of everything then your dh is probably paying more than the minimum already?

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:37

Anyway,

Thanks so much to everyone who shared their experiences and gave me some really great advice. I really appreciate it and it will help my DP a lot.

However will be leaving this thread how it is now, as feel that I've definitely got the info I need from it! Thanks again 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:38

I'll just Reply to the last one! 😂

@Proseccoinamug yeah he probably does, so to top up the payments he will naturally have to stop paying for some things. Anyway! It'll all come out in the wash hopefully😁x

OP posts:
SansaSnark · 15/11/2019 22:39

If he stopped paying half of everything, would he be able to afford the maintenance? I know it might mean the children missing out, but if there's a lot of debt then it might be the only way forward.

Is he subsidising you at all whilst you study? If you live together and he's paying more than 50% of rent/bills, then I do think your finances are sort of relevant.

I agree with the advice to look at debt relief- there are options available, although they may mess up his credit rating for a long time.

Before pushing for 50:50, I would ask the children how they feel about this. They may like being at yours at the moment, but I think true 50:50 can be quite unsettling for some kids, and it isn't something you should push for unless they are fully on board.

Tonz · 15/11/2019 22:40

Hit a nerve 😂😂😂 erm no just stating a fact you were happy paying the minimum because it suited you but now the ex wants what the kids should get.
There’s 2 full time wages coming into my home and some months we struggle so I can imagine for a single parent to be worse off so maybe she actually does need the money

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:45

Feel rude ignoring everyone!!

@SansaSnark think that's the way we'll have to go about things- it's a shame because they will miss out but not much we can do. And nope, I'm fully self supporting, saved and saved for years to be able to self support at this time 😊

Yeah we will have a chat with the kids, but i think they would be happy with this. They often beg to stay longer but totally agree with making sure this is the right decision for them x

OP posts:
Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:46

@Tonz entitled to an opinion 😁😁 have a lovely night. X

OP posts:
AgeShallNotWitherHer · 15/11/2019 22:49

But if he had the kids 50 /50 would he get help from the govt? Tax Credits? Help with rent? Child Ben for 1 of the kids? And he would have his children. Not suggesting it - just asking the question.

Original poster
locco21 · 15/11/2019 22:50

@AgeShallNotWitherHer I think only 1 resident parent can claim (not sure though). But this will definitely be a conversation to be had, should a completely equal 50/50 split occur! Thanks x

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2019 23:12

Were they married? If so, the debts are probably jointly liable.

If they weren't married, and they were taken out in her name solely, I believe he has no legal obligation to keep paying them off.

I find it very Hmm that he would arrange to pay a lower maintenance amount in exchange for paying off the debts.

Can the two of you have more residence of the DC? Sounds like it would be a much healthier arrangement anyway.

Alternately I think one or both of you needs to get a second job.

Sorry for your pregnancy loss Flowers

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/11/2019 23:13

Families need fathers....OP your dh needs to ring them...fabulous helpline with knowledgable people who can specifically help dads in all kinds of situations with children and legal matters..start there first for free advice.If you google them they have a web page with lots of good advice .

KidsRightsMeanMost · 15/11/2019 23:27

Couldn't agree more Tonz. Think its sad that so many people are advising, and the OP is considering stitching up a single mum, who undoubtedly stopped work in order to have kids, but at the very least doesn't have the earning prospects of the OP's DP, or the OP, who went into this situation with her eyes open. Its all about kicking the woman when she is down. It is not unheard of for men to lie about the apparent crazy money grabbing ex, refusing to let them see the DC. Lazy, not interested in working etc, conveniently forgetting that it was most likely a jointly made decision for her to be a SAHM. Hmm

Its almost like they get a script FFS. This is why it is so important for women to not step off the career ladder & earn their own money, even if just as an insurance policy for a potential marriage break up. There are plenty of women gullible enough to believe the bullshit! The poor kids are the losers in this, every time! They should come first, not be used i as pawns in a game where a greedy man wants to get one over on his ex-wife! Confused

PurpleGhost · 15/11/2019 23:38

Is the debt secured (like a mortgage) or unsecured (credit cards, loans)?
Obviously if the debt is secured on a house or whatever, don't miss payments, but otherwise there are options.

If it's unsecured and his credit file is rubbish anyway, you can go on a debt management plan. Something like Stepchange as already mentioned, or you can even run it yourself. Visit the Debt-Free-Wannabe board on MoneySavingExpert and there's loads of information there.

Greencustard · 15/11/2019 23:40

KidsRightsMeanMost

I think you've stumbled onto the wrong thread. None of what you've said applies in this case.

Original poster
locco21 · 16/11/2019 00:43

@KidsRightsMeanMost oh wow 🤣 obviously you haven't read a single thing wrote here 🤣🤣 I bet you're good fun at parties x

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 16/11/2019 00:53

I’m very Hmm at all the people suggesting 50/50 care.

The time to go for 50/50 is when you want to have your kids with you AND you think it will work well for them. NOT when you want to reduce your CMS payment Hmm

Just because the kids are happy when they visit, doesn’t mean that 50/50 will suit them.

I’m actually very pro 50/50 and from my personal 60/40 experience I’ve posted before in defence of it when others have said the child is passed around and doesn’t have a proper home. But I always say, it depends on the child. Mine is fine with it. My friend’s child would hate it.

It’s all rather financially convenient to look at 50/50 now.

I’m sympathetic about a lot of it... but dubious that the motivation for 50/50 is in the interests of the children.

I’m also cynical about all the debt that she ran up. Might be true, might all be bullshit and he had a part in the spending too.

Heartburn888 · 16/11/2019 06:11

I’m pretty certain that your dp can do something about this. If the amount set is leaving him without food and unable to get to work then surely it must be reviewed. My dp had a similar situation but the difference was the CMS kept giving the incorrect amount of maintenance to be paid I think at one point it was £67 a week for one child and he has two so it’s was completely unmanageable to say he earns £350 ish a week and had his household bills and everything else on top.

If you are buying things for the kids, keep the receipts and you could use this with the CMS when trying to get the payments reduced.

I’m by no means an expert but just from a little experience I have had personally. Good luck

Curtainly · 16/11/2019 06:27

Stop paying half for stuff and use that money to pay the maintenance.

blackcat86 · 16/11/2019 06:36

Your DP was silly to take a lower paying job when he has DC to support TBH. Can be prove any of the debts are hers? Surely he should pay the CMS amount but ensure that he isnt also paying all of their joint debts. If you live together then I'm afraid you will need to pick up some of the financial slack. I am a teenage DSS and toddler DD with DH. I had go back to work earlier than I would like and take on more of the household costs but DH has maintenance and extras for DSS. Why hasnt he taken her to court for a proper contact arrangement if she's constantly trying to deny contact?

Palaver1 · 16/11/2019 06:38

I think it’s best that it’s out in the open
Stop paying all the halves.Make some adjustments and pay but make sure your not over charged.
You all can’t continue to allow her to control and manipulate you this way,
I don’t think you can do much about the debt apart from him letting them know of the defaults and how that’s had an impact.

Curtainly · 16/11/2019 06:46

@blackcat86 RTFT. He would have been made redundant had he not changed job.