Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't afford Child maintenance payments.

257 replies

locco21 · 15/11/2019 18:13

Name change due to this being very outing!

DP has 2 children from a previous relationship. Of course there's been bumps in the road but overall everyone gets on okay and preciously there have rarely been any big issues between DP and his ex.

However, DP's ex is one of those 'you're not seeing your kids' type if he disagrees with her at all. For example, if she wants to go out on a Thursday (not his contact day), and he can't change his plans to look after them she will text him 'you're a shit dad and you're not seeing your kids again-I'm changing their surnames' etc... kind of thing. Not very nice at all. However DP has learnt to cope with this and now only makes arrangements to pick the kids up and doesn't entertain anything else.

Moving on, DP's ex has recently become worse and has been messaging abuse to us both- also saying things to upset the children etc... and has completely took a flip on her child maintenance stance.

Previously, due to the horrendous amount of debt his ex left him in (he stupidly took it on as He didn't want bailiffs turning up at his children's home). The arrangement was for DP to pay a lower rate of maintenance, organised by himself and his ex- this is so he could pay the debt and stay afloat. We buy the children lots of things also- basically they don't want for anything from either parent.

However, DP has currently changed jobs, he is receiving a lower pay rate however is much happier in this job which is also more stable. He didn't even mention it and carried on paying his maintenance as usual. However now his ex is filing a CMS case (which I know she is more than entitled to do- before anyone says anything). But DP simply can not afford the rate in which he would have to pay as he is still paying their debts. After rent, debts, bills and maintenance he would not have a penny left- meaning no petrol, no food etc... he's really stressing and doesn't know what to do.

His ex has rang him and explained all of this and he asked if she was struggling for money etc... that's where the change of heart come from? She said no, she just wanted to make life harder for him. Very petty to say the least.

Anyway, Is DP BU to contest this? No idea how he can even?! But should he just bite then bullet and pay the higher rate even if he cannot afford it? He is a great dad and this has really upset him. We know she is obviously legally entitled to this money, but it's sometimes so unfair for some dads as the CMS system doesn't take circumstance into account very often..

Opinions and advice welcome! Thanks 😊

OP posts:
locco21 · 17/11/2019 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

strawberrieshortcake · 17/11/2019 12:55

Gosh the immaturity of the OP, her partner and his ex. You all deserve each.

Onthebrink87 · 17/11/2019 12:59

Hope not as I'm not an ex wife..nor over 40! But some of the attitude dripping from a few posters is embarrassingly juvenile

Original poster
locco21 · 17/11/2019 13:00

@strawberrieshortcake @Onthebrink87 😴😴😴 enjoy your Sunday ladies

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 17/11/2019 13:01

What attitudes that?
The one that women shouldn't be doormats and fund other peoples children?

Onthebrink87 · 17/11/2019 13:05

Yes Bolly - thats exactly the attitude I was talking about 🤔

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/11/2019 13:06

I struggle to see your point.

Dontdisturbmenow · 17/11/2019 13:11

I have not shared figures, nor ages, due to it being irrelevant and outing.
I very much doubt it will be outing if it is rounded up, many fathers in this country will pay similar. As for irrelevant, well, that's the point, it is perfectly relevant because it comes down to how much he really supports his children.

From what you say, your thread title is wrong then. He can afford to pay the maintenance, but he just doesn't want to because he wants to use the money as he sees fit. It doesn't work like this though.

Hopefully though, he'll make a priority of looking for higher paid job and the issue won't be one any longer.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/11/2019 13:15

dontdisturb

He and has ex had an arrangement they were both happy with. I am not sure how thats him choosing to spend his money how he sees fit?
Op has already said the ex would rather go out than have more cash so really it doesnt matter now anyway.

Getting a higher paid job wont help much. Hed still be paying all the debts and paying more maintenance. Essentially every time dp gets a payrise his ex gets it and we dont.

Original poster
locco21 · 17/11/2019 13:15

@Onthebrink87 you think IAMBU which is fine- thanks for your input x

@Dontdisturbmenow thanks for your useless brilliant input! Hopefully he'll leave his current job to make things even more unstable for his children. Or he might just use his head and not be too hasty x

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 17/11/2019 13:16

Are people saying the op should be paying towards her partner’s kids now? When the mum does fuck all to earn her own money.

I could do with a laugh....

Original poster
locco21 · 17/11/2019 13:18

@funinthesun19 I think that was their argument 😂 if I don't quit university and provide for DP's children I'm the worst person in the world 😬

OP posts:
PippiDeLena · 17/11/2019 13:19

Wow, this thread is a complete shitshow.

JumpyLiz · 17/11/2019 13:24

Have some self respect people.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/11/2019 13:30

Whos that aimed at?

funinthesun19 · 17/11/2019 13:31

@funinthesun19 I think that was their argument 😂 if I don't quit university and provide for DP's children I'm the worst person in the world 😬

Fuck that. You carry on as you are. Just think of that extra income you will have for your household when you’ve gained your qualifications. And his ex doesn’t get to see a penny of it Smile Don’t fall in to the trap of subsidising him paying more as well. Not your ex, not your children, not your problem.

Original poster
locco21 · 17/11/2019 13:37

@funinthesun19 thank you 😊 I will do just that- it'll all be worth it in then end 😁

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 17/11/2019 13:53

No-one has said that OP should contribute towards the maintenance, what people have said is that her OH shouldn't be contributing towards her choosing to study. It would appear that OP is financially self-sufficient, so this doesn't apply.

He and has ex had an arrangement they were both happy with. I am not sure how thats him choosing to spend his money how he sees fit?
No, they had an arrangement that suited him and still would. It doesn't suit his ex and as it is, it is below what he legally should pay, so she is doing nothing wrong at all to get what the law says is the MINIMUM amount he should pay. As kids get older, they cost more, so it is not unreasonable that what was ok before isn't any longer.

The point is that he now has to pay more whether he likes it or not, and if he stops paying the extra he was paying before, he can afford to do so.

And nothing wrong with looking for a better paid job. I was in a similar situation than your OH, threats of redundancies, so jumped the wagon and took another lesser paid job, but I had two children to support, so kept applying for other jobs and after 9 months, I was successful and back on my previous pay. We just did with less for that time.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/11/2019 13:58

No, they had an arrangement that suited him and still would. It doesn't suit his ex and as it is, it is below what he legally should pay, so she is doing nothing wrong at all to get what the law says is the MINIMUM amount he should pay. As kids get older, they cost more, so it is not unreasonable that what was ok before isn't any longer

Clearly it suited her or she wouldn't have agreed to it. Shes also said now that shed rather have the time than the money so shes not exactly doing anything in the best interest of her children is she?

As i said him getting a better paid job now will barely benefit him at all.

Lots of double standards on here wherein women can do whatever they want regardless of whether its beneficial for their children or not but everything a man does is selfish and unreasonable and ofc it must be him being controlling. Hmm

Dontdisturbmenow · 17/11/2019 14:14

Clearly it suited her or she wouldn't have agreed to it
Maybe because they also agreed on him paying a larger chunk of the joint debts but then started paying his rather the joint. Who knows why she agreed to a sum lower than the legal requirement before, the point is that he wasn't paying enough before.

As i said him getting a better paid job now will barely benefit him at all
That statement makes no sense. He only has to pay a percentage of his increase income, most of it will go to him, of course he would benefit from a higher paid job, otherwise, any nrp would only get mnw jobs!

@Bollykecks, this is not about the ex. She sounds like a pathetic example to her kids, but her being a crap mum doesn't mean that it is ok for their father to be another poor example. The law has decided on a minimum amount he should pay and that's that. OP has acknowledged that he can afford to pay it, he just has to make it more of a priority that he was until now and will have to reduce what he pays for them when they are with him.

In the end, kids are not stupid and if their mother chooses to lapidate the money on herself rather than them, whilst they see their dad struggling with less to pay maintenance, it won't be long until they stop looking up to their mum and bond more with their father.

As it is, it sounds like both are too engrossed in their own interests than that of their children.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/11/2019 14:40

If shes not persuing CMS then he doesnt have to pay it. And shes not so...

Also yes hes been paying less but paying her share of the debt so in reality she is getting the reccomended amount hes just paying it to the debtors rather than to her and her paying them.

I dont see how hes a bad example to be honest. I know MN hates men especially ones who dare to move on.

Dontdisturbmenow · 17/11/2019 15:05

But she is going through cms, that's the point of OP's complaint.

As for the paying her share of her debts, that the story that OP's got, which really doesn't make sense, because if it was true, and he was so annoyed that she's gone to cms, all he would need to say is that he wasn't going to pay her debts any longer and then he'd have the extra money.

He's a bad example because clearly he wants to pay as little as possible for his kids' every day living. It's that same attitude I see when the resident parent is on good earning, and the nrp sees that he should have to pay much maintenance because he's struggling and she's wracking it in.

He owes his kids to do all he can to pay 50% of of all his children's costs, wherever they live, irrespective of how their mother gets her money. Sometimes it really isn't possible, but it should always be an aim. In OP's case, it sounds like he is happy to pay for them when they are with him, but wants to pay the strict minimum for when they are with their mum which is the majority of the time.

If they lived with him and OP, it would cost them much much more than what he is paying currently.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/11/2019 15:19

The ex said this

Sorry for causing a fuss the other day with the maintenance thing- tell you what, I'll drop the whole thing IF you change your days to the whole weekend every weekend

She's not persuing it.

And as dad pays maintenance plus half of everything else i dont see how can you can say hes paying as little as possible when he clearly isnt.

Youre saying dad should be paying 50% but mum pays nothing and thats ok?

50% is near impossible to calculate anyway and ime just causes more issues than it solves.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/11/2019 15:20

If they lived with him and OP, it would cost them much much more than what he is paying currently

In my personal experience we spent less on dss per week when he was living with us than when we paid maintenance to his mum.

funinthesun19 · 17/11/2019 15:40

In my personal experience we spent less on dss per week when he was living with us than when we paid maintenance to his mum.

That’s because you’d be paying your usual bills whether he lives with you or not. And an extra bit of food isn’t going to cost much But if you’re paying maintenance you’re paying your own bills, plus a chunk of someone else’s.