Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

@goldfinchfan thank you for your advice. My main experience is closing ranks and covering for each other. I’ve proven things untrue, which has made the case worse. I’m too scared to make a complaint. Making a complaint in the first place lead to these events. I believed they genuinely wanted to help to start with. I thought they just needed me showing them that I love my girls more than anything.

My old advocate didn’t feel I needed her services and it’s quite a waiting list. I wish I had an independent witness to it all, but my friend doesn’t feel she can deal with them. She is worried her children will be targeted. She says she knows it’s unfair and they’re not treating me very well, but she finds it distressing and she just doesn’t want her kiddies removed. I understand her position. She’s a really nice lady. I don’t have many people at all in this city. All of my nice family are over 150 miles away. I just want my girls back and to go home.

I don’t feel my solicitor is very good. My barrister was great, but she said it’s very difficult in court proceedings as professionals have more authority. I’ve had 3 previous solicitors. My first 2 didn’t understand my condition. My 3rd doesn’t deal with court cases. She went to the PLO and said that they’re discriminating against me. She said that they should be offering help, not focussing on removal. I liked her, she understood as she’s on the spectrum herself. She understands what it’s like when you’re fighting for a diagnosis of a special needs child.

It’s easy for them, because when I don’t have anyone with me, it looks like I have no support.

I asked her carers and they don’t know anything about autism. They just said that she’s making little sounds and likes to chase another child in their care. The man has told me that he thinks she just chooses not to listen.

How old are the children?

I don’t know if it helps, but I don’t have any substance abuse issues, or a history of such. I had a mental breakdown about 5 years ago and I had some counselling due to my previous losses. I always wanted to be a mother. They’re hard work, but I loved being a mother too. I loved spoiling them. I miss being able to give them a kiss good night and tucking them in. I miss being able to cook them nice meals. I miss being able to pick up the baby and smother her with kisses.

By the way, I’m in a different place now. The curtain rails are up and I don’t need shelves here. I was offered permanent accommodation a month ago, but the offer was withdrawn. It’s much nicer here. It’s more central and I feel safe walking around this area. I pushed very hard to get the repairs done here and on the 10th visit to housing options, the manager spoke to me and made sure that things were done. Absolutely lovely woman, she stuck to her word. Someone else from the company is dealing with me now and he’s great too. There’s no longer a leak in the living room and girls’ bedroom, plus the mould is under control. I made them promise to sort out the rising damp after I leave, so someone else doesn’t have to wait months to get it all sorted. The only problem is that this place is like home to me now, I’ve got great neighbours and near to the supermarket. As much as I hate this city, having somewhere safe to call home is a bloody relief.

I’m not at all clear about your current living situation. Could you explain a bit more? Are you saying you have to leave that place wher you now have your curtain rail, and the leak is sorted? And where you’re happy? Why are you leaving?

3 and slightly under 1

OP Is there a group for people with Autism in your area. In my area there is a person who advises on Autism and trains teaching and nursery staff. They might be able to support you. I think you need to take someone to all your meetings. Staff rolling their eyes is very unprofessional.

I’m in temp accommodation. I’m no longer in the house. I had to leave due to severe anti social behaviour of my neighbours. Where I’m living now has needed a number of repairs, but everything was sorted when I moved into this place. I did the work myself, apart from the TV bracket, which my uncle sorted. He won’t come back down here, as he says it feels very negative and he doesn’t want me living around here.

I haven't read the whole thread, but you seem like an intelligent person who wants to do the right thing. As such, can you find it within yourself to jump through their hoops? E.g. If they say they are concerned about something, consider how you can shown that you have addressed that and that they no longer need to be concerned about it. Do whatever it takes.

I've worked with very complicated and risky child protection cases and never had a family who's child has been removed. I'm talking incest, drug dependency, MH problems, special needs, exclusion from school, gang activity, DV, neglect - often in one family.

There's more to this. Nobody's children are removed because the house is a mess and the kids are dirty. I'm sure for concerts with lack of stimulation, a nursery place would have been funded. Did she attend?

What I will say is I think social workers and professionals aren't always clear on what the concerns are. Families often don't understand why people are worried and dismiss their children's circumstances as being normal and they really aren't.

It sounds like they are concerned that the 3 years old is unresponsive and doesn’t speak or interact?

@SeaOfDespair - would you consider moving to be closer to your family, thus showing social services that you now have support?

I don’t think you should be going into meetings alone even though you might not need an advocate.

I had a lovely, extremely intelligent and highly educated colleague who was almost certainly on the Autistic spectrum (of an age where he was unlikely to have been diagnosed). He could speak multiple languages etc. However, he really really struggled in unstructured free flowing conversations between a number of people especially if people jumped from topic to topic. He would get lost and we would have to bring the conversation back to one clear topic so he could join in. I worry that some of these meetings with SW are causing you similar problems.

I believe you, OP.
People saying that there’s ‘more to this’ don’t understand that the system is broken.

There’s the integrated autism service, but they aren’t able to offer that sort of support. They run groups, but entirely adult focused and in the next county along.

I spoke to NAS about a year ago and their services are limited in this area. There’s a group for children with special needs, I went there a couple of days before the girls were removed and took my youngest. I spoke to the lady running it about my elder daughter and she agreed that it sounds like autism, all she could suggest was pushing for a special needs health visitor, as many don’t understand the difference between neglect and communication disabilities. I only discovered the group a week before, when a lady from the council came out and observed my elder daughter. She contacted the sw, who told her the delay was neglect. She told the social worker that she wants to observe her in another situation, to which she became obstructive.

When you have visits with your girls is there a SW present and what kind of set up is this? What is your current living arrangements are you moving soon did you say?
How long ago was your girls taken into care?
When did you last have a review/assessment?

@NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy I would absolutely love to, but there are 2 obstacles: being able to attend contact and this area now being my local connection.

I thought they just needed me showing them that I love my girls more than anything.

OP, you know that some parents, while they do love their child very much, are not capable of doing the practical things needed to care for a child properly. Despite much advice about what basics need to be done. And that that is why SS remove kids. If they have to give instructions on the most basic of things, like “put curtains up in your child’s bedroom” or “consistently ensure you arrange to take your child to appointments yourself, without constant reminders from SS” (rather than, for example, even entering a discussion with SS about the possibility of taxi to paid for by them. It is YOUR responsibility to get your children to appointments, not SS)

If there have been consistent failures to think independently for yourself about what your children need then maybe this is why it got to the point of removal?

Could you try contacting your local Mencap group? I’m suggesting this as a lady I know volunteers as a befriender with mencap and she has a young woman with ASD for whom she advocates. She goes to SS reviews etc with her and speaks with LA housing etc in her behalf. Something like this would be great for you, someone who understands the barriers ASD presents.

I have supervised contact in a centre designed for this purpose. The children’s guardian said that I should have it 4 times a week and in an alternative setting, but this is all I’ve been offered. It’s miles away from me, but I do my best to get there early. It stresses my elder daughter out, but she seems quite pleased to see me for about 5 mins. I usually cook them something before I go, so they can have a nice meal.

I’m in temporary accommodation. I was offered somewhere permanent, but it was withdrawn, so I could be here for another 2 years or so. It’s a shame as well, because it was a new build in a better area that this, but the positive is that I’m a creature of habit and routine and I’m settled in this flat. The housing association decided not to give it to me.

Also, I’m shocked nobody is taking your concerns regarding your daughter and possible ASD seriously. It’s almost certainly got a genetic component.

You have described a house with mess everywhere, damp in the living room, mould in the children's bedroom where presumably the many soft toys were stored, potentially collecting mould spores. There were no curtains at the windows as you are unable to do this simple DIY job yourself or find someone to do it for you. The same with additional storage.

I get the sense from what you have written that you struggle to see challenges that people face when raising a family and running a home. It can be overwhelming. When professionals come in and say you need to do certain things you feel criticised and your automatic reaction is to rebel. Rather than solving the problems they point out you are asking them to organise it for you.

I can see why they feel this is an unsafe environment for your children. My advice would be to consider your kneejerk responses to them, take a breath and figure out how to comply independently with each task. Take it one step at a time and remember that they have your children's best interests in mind.

But my curtains are up in this place. I take my children to their appointments. I haven’t asked for taxis, it was my sw’s idea, not mine. When I took her up on the offer, she said I demanded them. I don’t get what you’re getting at, sorry.

Op are doctors looking into your daughters delay? Are they investigating whether she could have autism to me it sounds as if your living conditions/parenting choices are being blamed for your daughters delay. When there could actually be more to your daughter delay. Ask SS if they are looking into this & is your daughter attending assessments. Further up this thread I stated a friends child was taken into care as she kept getting unexplained bruises, turned out she had CF

The housing association decided not to give it to me.. Why was the offer withdrawn, OP? Did they give a reason?