Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

I’m not admitting to something that I haven’t actually done.

Even if you feel like some of these things are not issues, is your pride really worth damaging your chances of getting your children back? Instead of denying everything, tell them you accept it and are willing to work on it. Arguing with them every step of the way is not making you look good.

I would ask for a new social worker. You have nothing to lose as this one isn't being helpful.

By the way, there wasn’t any proof of her diet being bad, as the only question she asked was what she had for breakfast, to which her reply was, “not enough vegetables”.

When I’ve asked for evidence of any of their claims, they tell me that a professional saying it is enough. I asked how I was meant to improve unless they’re more specific. “Work with us”, to which I’ve replied, “how would you like me to do that?” Then they roll their eyes.

@LittleMissBirdy Having Aspergers does not make someone disabled! Nor in need of a support worker

@BlackAudi - because he's fifteen now, and as SS have said, more able to be independant. My other three are 7, 9 and 11 and the 7 and 9 year old are in stable placements and the 11 year old has complex additional needs. Maybe in years to ccome they too will come home. That's my hope anyway.

Tenancy support told me that they do not put curtain rails and shelves up. That HV said they do. Tenancy support do set types of things, not jobs around the house. I don’t have any trouble paying bills, managing money etc,.

You are using disagreements in wording and minor facts to deflect from the real issues.

Please listen to Nerdy. Fighting and justifying why they are wrong and you are right will not help your children.

@BlackAudi well I wasn’t sure that’s why I asked. I’m wondering if Op is receiving support for mental health issues. If not she may need to see her GP as this is such a distressing story.

I had an advocate, who didn’t feel I needed one. I worked with the integrated autism service, which felt I only really need emotional support. She looked through my documents and agreed they were extremely vague. She got in touch with them and they ignored her requests.

@NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you sound like you've given up on fighting for the others??

This is all just so odd and obviously not the whole story. Why would you need support for a child’s diet? Don’t you know what to feed a child? On that note none of my children will eat vegetables so does this mean SS will come and take them away?

The issue with the house is a rail/shelf?

The mind boggles.

@LittleMissBirdy Yeah I agree there. Definitely needs to be some kind of emotional support in place

I don’t want a debate with them about who’s right and wrong. I just want to be treated like a human being, not a piece of scum. I’ve asked them not to roll their eyes at me and sigh over the top of me, I’ve asked them to treat me like a human and give me a proper chance.

It literally is the whole story. They use very little things and suggest a bigger picture. The sw has admitted she’s never seen them dirty. She’s admitted she’s never seen them hungry. She’s said that she’s seen my elder daughter have a good variety of food, but then says it’s not the experience of other professionals, so it’s still a concern.

Op, in the nicest possible way, I think you are struggling to come to terms with this & you may be so overwhelmed your missing key points. The next meeting you have can you take family or friends with you? Sometimes it helps if others are there as you may miss key details, it may help you understand this more or at the very least you’ll have some support on your side

Sea of Dispair

You are scattering details in your posts but you haven’t answered the big picture questions. On what basis were the children removed?

That HV used the fact that I didn’t work with tenancy support as ‘proof’ I didn’t follow her guidance. I told the SW that I contacted tenancy support and they didn’t offer the necessary support.

I self referred to home start and worked with them for a short while. The volunteer I had was no longer able to cover the times needed, which is entirely fair. That was used against me, as apparently, I felt I no longer needed that support.

💐💐💐

you can have a bookcase or free standing unit - you don't HAVE to have shelves.

And you can watch a youtube tutorial on how to put a curtain rail up. Or you could ask a friend, or pay a handyman. You need curtains though. You can't just not have them just because tenancy support don't provide it.

OP
I don’t understand how those points would meet the threshold for a care order.

Why have they asked you to ask for support for tenancy? Is it to offer home help - cleaning etc. Apologies if you’ve already stated I’m trying to get an understanding of this as kids can be removed due to living in unhygienic homes as it’s damaging to their mental & physical health but it’s only very extreme cases

@BlackAudi - Oh fuck NO. I will fight for them until the last breath leaves my body. However, my 7 and 9 year olds are in placements where they are happy, secure, feel safe and i know that they are loved. I couldn't ask for better foster carers than the ones they have. My 11vyear old lives in a childrens home with three other girls after many many moves, she's finally settled and seems reasonably happy.

Of course i want them home. They belong with me. I miss them so very much. BUT. I'm not physically or emotionally well enough to be able to take care of them like they need to be just now. I know that. I'm disabled and have had a series of nervous breakdown in the past six years. Not admitting how ill i was or how unable to cope as a single parent to all four of them is one of the things that contributed to them being removed in the first place. I never want to be in that position again so im working on trying to get me as well as i can be. My babies deserve that.

SmileEachDay
Thanks. I really didn't want to seem unsympathetic because it's clearly very upsetting, but I really question how useful this thread will be to the OP.

They're in danger of sharing too much to try and argue their case with posters and continue to argue that their children have been taken for no reason (despite the threshold for removal being extremely high), and although for once there's more good advice than bad on this SS thread, I have a horrible feeling that if/when the usual "fight the system / dont trust social workers" replies come, the OP will latch onto them over the range of good advice.

It sounds like you just give up at the first hurdle though in order to be able to say ‘I tried it, it didn’t work because x y z, not my fault.’

Good luck to you but the way you’re going on I really don’t see how you’ll get them back.

They were removed on the basis of neglect. A case was presented to the court of the girls being dirty, a lack of stimulation, them both being behind their milestones, not accepting guidance, refusing to do a psychological assessment and not having good parenting in my own life, which they evidenced by homelessness (that one is fair).

My barrister felt that the threshold wasn’t actually met for immediate removal, as there wasn’t any immediate danger presented to the court. The barrister for the ss said that I don’t work with them and I struggle in their meetings.