Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

Morning, everyone. We just wanted to pop by to appeal for a bit of peace and love here as the thread seems to be taking a turn for the personal. We're going to delete any personal attacks and we'd be grateful if we could get the thread back on track now.

Strange...op doesn't come across as hard work to me. Just stressed and very negative about the situation....which is very understandable.
Me neither. Sounds totally fine.

@SeaOfDespair

My heart goes out to you. It’s clear you love your children very much and I think you’ve behaved in a very dignified manner throughout this thread.

I am an experienced senior social worker and have worked many years in all parts of social care, although the bulk of my experience is adult social care. I agree, some social workers do not have the right skills and this is a huge problem. Some are downright incompetent. Social care is massively under resourced and the government has a lot to answer for. For someone like you, it’d be more expensive in the short term to put lots of support in place to get things sorted but in the long term, it’d hopefully end up more cost effective as you would be managing with minimal input. Most importantly, the outcomes could potentially be better for your children. However, I don’t know the ins and outs of your situation andI am not asking for them, I am just giving my thoughts.

One thing I will say is that it is very hard to be objective about your own situation, especially when emotions are involved. We are only human and it’s not something we do on purpose. We all do it. When you’re enmeshed in your life, it becomes your normal and your frame of reference. Sometimes we need outsiders to honestly tell us what they see. I have a friend who is brutally honest and she gives me a reality check. I appreciate that it is much harder when from a stranger in a position of authority. Being honest with ourselves can be hard but actually if you genuinely cannot see something, it’s not a character flaw, it’s a human trait.

It’s unhelpful for strangers on here to say “you sound like a good mum and the social workers are wrong” and it’s equally unhelpful for strangers on here to say “you’re clearly neglectful and the social workers are right”. I hope people read this part and please stop. OP deserves kindness and support. We don’t know the full story; it could be a terrible miscarriage of justice or OP might not be able to parent her children right now.

While I no longer work in children’s social care, I will never stop feeling sad for the parents who do lose their children. You do not have to condone behaviour but on a human level, I recognise how incredibly painful it must be.

Take care of yourself @SeaOfDespair

I feel for you op you really are getting a hard Time and you seem to be doing all you can...good luck for everything op sorry I have no advice

Have you tried reaching out to the NSPCC for support? They offer some programs/support for families and parents who are struggling. They have different groups in different parts of the country but also give telephone support.

If you're prepared to say the city/area where you live, some of us could help research what support is available to you or posters may know people who are able to help.

It’s unhelpful for strangers on here to say “you sound like a good mum and the social workers are wrong” and it’s equally unhelpful for strangers on here to say “you’re clearly neglectful and the social workers are right”. I hope people read this part and please stop. OP deserves kindness and support. We don’t know the full story; it could be a terrible miscarriage of justice or OP might not be able to parent her children right now
This through and through. Time and time again it's always worth people stressing this. On threads like this we have one side of events and any advice or guidance should be made with that in mind.

CorBlimeyGovenor
The NSPCC seem to be up to their eyeballs in questionable judgement on some issues at the moment.
A local charity may be more beneficial or a national one supporting autism, or any appropriate offline professionals who will have a better overview of the situation.

It is weird though that it is always the SW fault. It was when my DD was removed from her BM, spoiler alert it wasn't the social workers fault.

OP, you started this thread nearly 2 weeks ago. What have you done in that time that you think has improved your situation?
Presumably you’ve had multiple contacts in that time, did the SW give you any feedback on the sessions?
What changes have you made in the flat? Have you kept up with housework? Have you painted the girls bedroom like you said you were going to?

If you’ve not made any changes, I really don’t think SS are just going to suddenly hand the children back to you.
What have they said needs improving, is it the flat or the care you provide, or both?
When is the next hearing?

OP, I am worried about you. There is something in the development of your posts that makes me feel so concerned.

Could you please direct some of the money from the child psychologist to an adult psychologist to assess you? I have had some hard times in my life and in my experience the situation can get on top of you and almost push you into depression. And once depressed, it is beyond difficult even to get out of bed, not to mention doing all these envisaged changes. You must be having the most awful, horrid time.

Could you buy a package of 4 sessions? You could talk about how you are coping, develop strategies and also a way to relate to the social worker. If you start to feel better, I think it will be easier to make any required changes.

I think you also can frame this positively for the social worker. “ I have started a few sessions of therapy to better understand how I can improve my outlook on the situation, change any behaviour that needs changing, become more accountable and hopefully becoming a better parent”. - any social worker here might be able to advise?

Please look after yourself OP. Sending you lots and lots of

@SeaOfDespair my heart breaks for you. I have read this thread over several days - frankly, it was hard to read. Your situation is terrible, heart breaking. Regardless of the why's and wherefores, the reality is awful. I am so sorry.

Please do not give up on looking for help. Also, do not stop listening to the really good suggestions made here. I know, finding them will take a strong stomach, but there are so many. Each little step is one step further ahead.

I'm sending you a hug and

How are you doing OP?

I'm sorry to drag this old thread up but OP if you are still out there I just wanted to stay that I still think of you from time to time and I really really hope things have improved for you xxx

❤️❤️❤️

We had to practically beg for social work, and be referred.

@LolaSmiles

You may well feel pp was harsh but unless you understand , take on board and actively address each issue on the list it will be difficult for a sw to justify changing their assessment. Children are not removed without serious concerns for their safety and wellbeing. This.

It sounds traumatic for you OP, but the threshold for children just getting onto a child protection plan is high and to be removed is a much higher threshold.

You are best taking counsel from your legal specialists and probably having this thread removed as threads about social services on here at the moment tend to get a weird mix of replies from unconditionally affirming an OP as the injured party through to all out lies about social services with anecdotes about people who've all apparently had children removed for no reason.

Maybe it is supposed to be a high threshold. But it's naive to think the system always works how it's supposed to.

My daughter was placed on a Child Protection Plan when their stated concerns were on the level that e.g. that she sometimes had dirty nails.

Their decision had a lot more to do with the facts that:
a) my abusive ex lied about me during the court process and
b) I'm autistic and they didn't like my manner/communication
than any genuine concerns about my daughter's wellbeing.

As evidenced by the fact that there weren't really any goals on the plan (so no way of me meeting them and getting off it), and they eventually just stepped it down and left us alone after the court process finished (and the judge didn't do what they recommended, fortunately).

I hadn't changed anything about my parenting in the meantime, but suddenly it was miraculously acceptable when it hadn't been before?!

I believe you, OP.

Too many people honestly believe that SWs are above mistakes, do a thorough job and would never ever exaggerate their ‘professional opinion’ to attempt to get what they want snd build a plausible case, and lie??? No, never, because SWs are perfect human beings.

I have the stage 3 complaint, the letter of apology, the compensation and the letter retracting the abuse and neglect I was accused of on my children’s file should they ever wish to see it.

It took me two years of fighting to get it. 2 years too late.

Im so sorry.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun

I believe you, OP.

Too many people honestly believe that SWs are above mistakes, do a thorough job and would never ever exaggerate their ‘professional opinion’ to attempt to get what they want snd build a plausible case, and lie??? No, never, because SWs are perfect human beings.

I have the stage 3 complaint, the letter of apology, the compensation and the letter retracting the abuse and neglect I was accused of on my children’s file should they ever wish to see it.

It took me two years of fighting to get it. 2 years too late.

Im so sorry.

But your evidence there shows the system does fault itself and try to put things right.

If it was a conspiracy like you make out in the start of your post you'd have never been compensated as there wouldn't be any evidence/it would have been "fixed"

Ope been 2 years wonder whats happened

I said absolutely nothing about a conspiracy - are you a SW? You seem very good at putting words in people’s mouths.

I said that SWs have the same human failings as everyone else does and that sometimes, they get it very very wrong.

Muting you now.

I would absolutely love an update from OP to hear how things are, even if things havent improved it would be good to know the situation and keep giving her good advice

And a massive thumbs up to all the lovely ladies who posted some wonderful advice and everything.

It sounds like op is very clever and forthcoming l. I just hope the children are back with her now. That would make my day.

@SeaOfDespair how are things?

Zombie thread from 2019

Someone I know was threatened with her children being removed for being untidy. I went round there and it was an absolute pig sty. There was hoarding going on and the kids were covered in filth and ate with their hands. You can't live like this. Neither can you expect the council to clean your house for you every week. Nobody is going to help you clean. You need to go out and get a stack of bin bags and eating products and do it yourself, cook proper meals for your kids, wash their clothes. Educate them. A home is not a farm yard.

They wouldnt remove a child unless they felt that a child was in danger. The bar is set so high, and they have to try to help you improve the situation beforehand. Sounds like you ignored everything and the children were in danger. Sw do not remove children on a whim.