Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

[Muminabun]

Hi op if the social workers are making it all up because they are bored and not busy…… then you can have your say in court. Social workers are not the decision makers a judge is. The judge will assess the report from the social worker before making any order. It was a judge who decided to grant an interim care order. That is not in the power of the social worker and they can only go to court with the agreement of their supervisor and others. They have to convince quite a lot of people and evidence their recommendations. Only a judge can make the decisions to return the children to you and you can be represented and attend court. If a social worker is really poor then their actions are tempered by the fact that they don’t work in isolation or have ultimate decision making capacity.

[beinglikedisoverrated]

IS THIS A ZOMBIE THREAD?

[Ohhyeahright]

Oh gosh. What a lot of hurt for so
Many people.

[BlueButterfliesAndPurpleStars]

I’m aware I’m dragging up an old post, but it looks like it was quite recently revived (I found it while searching for something else).

@SeaOfDespair It took me 5 years to get my kids home, at at the 2 year mark I had all but given up. They’ve been home 2 years now. I assume your little ones haven’t been adopted? If you’d like a sounding board and some ideas on how to progress, please let me know.

[Princessbanana]

Sorry that was a bit of an outburst but I know someone this has happened to. Just like you, her two kids were removed for reasons that just didn’t make sense to anyone apart from social services. She done everything she could to get them back and she then went on to have have another baby some years later. She is a great mum and always has been, her new baby is safe and sound with her but she still can’t have her other two children back. She still sees them often but I just don’t understand and I probably never will.

[Princessbanana]

That is terrible Op. do you still see the girls? Can your new SW not do anything? This is fucking bullshit!!!! You can be trusted with your new baby but not with your other two kids??! Who makes these rules, who thinks this makes sense! Social services in this case are a joke! We are in 2021 and this shit is still happening!! When is enough going to be enough! There will be a lot of things social services will have to answer in the future, they will pull this shit with the wrong person and the whole thing will fall down, people will start coming forward with similar experiences and then they will be sorry ! But it still won’t make up for the parents who have lost a lifetime with their own children. 💕

[LordOfTheOnionRings]

@SeaOfDespair I'm so sorry OP. Heartbreaking.

[SeaOfDespair]

There wasn’t a happy ending. I’ve since had another child, who is in my care. The sw team that I’m dealing with now have been a lot more fair, so far. The concerns relate to the history, they think home conditions are fine, that I deal with my baby appropriately and that we have a good bond.

My eldest still presents as autistic. She hasn’t really improved.

The whole experience left me very scared of the authorities. Unfortunately, justice doesn’t come with legal aid. I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from what happened. My main concern is the emotional turmoil that my children suffered.

I would have loved to give you a positive update regarding my elder children, but it turned out I wasn’t being unreasonable. Things went from bad to worse with the social worker.

[PopsicleHustler]

I tried to read the entire thread. Got up to about page 30 and ended up skipping to the end , as the first page started 2019,was hoping on some great news.
So please do come back OP , would be lovely to hear how things are and hope all is well with you and the children.

[Beautiful3]

They wouldnt remove a child unless they felt that a child was in danger. The bar is set so high, and they have to try to help you improve the situation beforehand. Sounds like you ignored everything and the children were in danger. Sw do not remove children on a whim.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Someone I know was threatened with her children being removed for being untidy. I went round there and it was an absolute pig sty. There was hoarding going on and the kids were covered in filth and ate with their hands. You can't live like this. Neither can you expect the council to clean your house for you every week. Nobody is going to help you clean. You need to go out and get a stack of bin bags and eating products and do it yourself, cook proper meals for your kids, wash their clothes. Educate them. A home is not a farm yard.

[PurpleWh1teGreen]

Zombie thread from 2019

[LordOfTheOnionRings]

@SeaOfDespair how are things?

[PopsicleHustler]

I would absolutely love an update from OP to hear how things are, even if things havent improved it would be good to know the situation and keep giving her good advice

And a massive thumbs up to all the lovely ladies who posted some wonderful advice and everything.

It sounds like op is very clever and forthcoming l. I just hope the children are back with her now. That would make my day.

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

I said absolutely nothing about a conspiracy - are you a SW? You seem very good at putting words in people’s mouths.

I said that SWs have the same human failings as everyone else does and that sometimes, they get it very very wrong.

Muting you now.

[Sapho47]

@LaLaLandIsNoFun

I believe you, OP.

Too many people honestly believe that SWs are above mistakes, do a thorough job and would never ever exaggerate their ‘professional opinion’ to attempt to get what they want snd build a plausible case, and lie??? No, never, because SWs are perfect human beings.

I have the stage 3 complaint, the letter of apology, the compensation and the letter retracting the abuse and neglect I was accused of on my children’s file should they ever wish to see it.

It took me two years of fighting to get it. 2 years too late.

Im so sorry.

But your evidence there shows the system does fault itself and try to put things right.


If it was a conspiracy like you make out in the start of your post you'd have never been compensated as there wouldn't be any evidence/it would have been "fixed"


Ope been 2 years wonder whats happened

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

I believe you, OP.

Too many people honestly believe that SWs are above mistakes, do a thorough job and would never ever exaggerate their ‘professional opinion’ to attempt to get what they want snd build a plausible case, and lie??? No, never, because SWs are perfect human beings.

I have the stage 3 complaint, the letter of apology, the compensation and the letter retracting the abuse and neglect I was accused of on my children’s file should they ever wish to see it.

It took me two years of fighting to get it. 2 years too late.

Im so sorry.

[rosiejaune]

@LolaSmiles

You may well feel pp was harsh but unless you understand , take on board and actively address each issue on the list it will be difficult for a sw to justify changing their assessment. Children are not removed without serious concerns for their safety and wellbeing.
This.

It sounds traumatic for you OP, but the threshold for children just getting onto a child protection plan is high and to be removed is a much higher threshold.

You are best taking counsel from your legal specialists and probably having this thread removed as threads about social services on here at the moment tend to get a weird mix of replies from unconditionally affirming an OP as the injured party through to all out lies about social services with anecdotes about people who've all apparently had children removed for no reason.

Maybe it is supposed to be a high threshold. But it's naive to think the system always works how it's supposed to.

My daughter was placed on a Child Protection Plan when their stated concerns were on the level that e.g. that she sometimes had dirty nails.

Their decision had a lot more to do with the facts that:
a) my abusive ex lied about me during the court process and
b) I'm autistic and they didn't like my manner/communication
than any genuine concerns about my daughter's wellbeing.

As evidenced by the fact that there weren't really any goals on the plan (so no way of me meeting them and getting off it), and they eventually just stepped it down and left us alone after the court process finished (and the judge didn't do what they recommended, fortunately).

I hadn't changed anything about my parenting in the meantime, but suddenly it was miraculously acceptable when it hadn't been before?!

[rawalpindithelabrador]

We had to practically beg for social work, and be referred.

[Lillylolo]

❤️❤️❤️

[PearlescentIridescent]

I'm sorry to drag this old thread up but OP if you are still out there I just wanted to stay that I still think of you from time to time and I really really hope things have improved for you xxx

[GracefulHippo]

How are you doing OP?

[2018SoFarSoGreat]

@SeaOfDespair my heart breaks for you. I have read this thread over several days - frankly, it was hard to read. Your situation is terrible, heart breaking. Regardless of the why's and wherefores, the reality is awful. I am so sorry.

Please do not give up on looking for help. Also, do not stop listening to the really good suggestions made here. I know, finding them will take a strong stomach, but there are so many. Each little step is one step further ahead.

I'm sending you a hug and

[PilatesHippo]

OP, I am worried about you. There is something in the development of your posts that makes me feel so concerned.

Could you please direct some of the money from the child psychologist to an adult psychologist to assess you? I have had some hard times in my life and in my experience the situation can get on top of you and almost push you into depression. And once depressed, it is beyond difficult even to get out of bed, not to mention doing all these envisaged changes. You must be having the most awful, horrid time.

Could you buy a package of 4 sessions? You could talk about how you are coping, develop strategies and also a way to relate to the social worker. If you start to feel better, I think it will be easier to make any required changes.

I think you also can frame this positively for the social worker. “ I have started a few sessions of therapy to better understand how I can improve my outlook on the situation, change any behaviour that needs changing, become more accountable and hopefully becoming a better parent”. - any social worker here might be able to advise?

Please look after yourself OP. Sending you lots and lots of

[SingaporeSlinky]

OP, you started this thread nearly 2 weeks ago. What have you done in that time that you think has improved your situation?
Presumably you’ve had multiple contacts in that time, did the SW give you any feedback on the sessions?
What changes have you made in the flat? Have you kept up with housework? Have you painted the girls bedroom like you said you were going to?

If you’ve not made any changes, I really don’t think SS are just going to suddenly hand the children back to you.
What have they said needs improving, is it the flat or the care you provide, or both?
When is the next hearing?