Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

[HakunaRattatas]

No. That's not how children are taken away from their family. It really isn't.

I'm sorry you are struggling but you need to be honest with yourself if you want to stand any chance of getting them back.

[firsttimemum30]

Did she have any proof in regards to her diet/being dirty etc?

[HakunaRattatas]

No, it isn't about being a bit messy. You are in denial.

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

Why were they taken away?

[GrumpyHoonMain]

You aren’t being honest with yourself OP. That is not how SW take kids away. There was clearly more going on and you have chosen to ignore this

[ChilledBee]

I took a relatives baby from birth just five months after my own baby and started the process of adoption. For various reasons, SS were grateful for us and much of what we went through was more formality than them actively challenging us to prove our worth as his potential parents. Still, the process was intrusive and vigorous. Having just conceived a baby and taken him home with no questions or tests to complete, it all felt quite bizarre and I did question why we can just walk out with the babies we've made. It was only when I got in touch with other prospective and current adopters that I realised what we went through was nothing compared to them.

From my professional career I know that one small factor can be the difference between a family on the radar and ones off the radar. It is often really hard to get the ones who are off the radar under their care because they don't meet some sort of standard. There are some children who have had multiple reports made by the schools and closed by SS for this reason. Meanwhile, someone else who has always been on their radar and is genuinely doing their best and actually enough for the kids to be decent people is constantly hassled to do more.

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

X post!

[SmileEachDay]

What was the reason for removal?

Emotional harm
Physical harm
Sexual abuse
Neglect

It will be one of those.

Although in all honesty Lola is probs right.

[LittleMissBirdy]

Was their any proof of diet Op? It all sounds so overwhelming for you. Do your children have any vitamin deficiencies? One of my friends children was placed into care as she kept bruising badly, after a while they found out she had CF. That’s why she was bruising so badly with no reports of accidents.

[bookishtartlet]

What was your own upbringing like? any social work involvement there?

You sound like you are blaming literally every one else for this. You've not given specifics as to what happened just before your kids were removed from your care?

I work with many vulnerable people, you need to look at the advice they give you as something to work toward.

I feel for you, but look at changes you can make to get them home.

[firsttimemum30]

I only know of one person IRL who had a child taken and it was justified. She stopped taking her bipolar meds, got drunk/took drugs, went to a nearby field leaving her 2 year old on her own at home, was found after trying to commit suicide in the field. Her poor kid was alone all night and day in the flat, luckily alive but dirty and hungry. Tbe flat was found to be a state and it was obvious by the condition of the little girls skin and poor diet that neglect had been ongoing for quite some time. It's not something ss do for fun.

[Ouchmyleg]

If the HVs feel you think you know it all (which it sounds like you think you do) and aren’t actively doing the things you need to do to get your children back then of course you will be frustrating them. I’m sure they’d rather you sort yourself out, get some stability in your life and raise your daughters.

[Amanduh]

It takes a hell of a lot for kids to be removed. It’s not because you’re a bit messy and your kids had too many soft toys. Even if they were very dirty and had a poor diet, they wouldn’t just remove.
It’s time to be honest with at least yourself.

[NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy]

@SeaOfDespair - I'm massively outing myself now, so I'll have to namechange after this, but recently i posted an AMA about having my children removed from me by SS. I know to an extent how you feel. The hoops you have to jump through and how they always seem to change.

What i will say is this - whatever they say you need to do, you bloody well do. And you ask how high and say thank you too. You work with them as much as you can and show them that things are different.

My children were removed two years ago, and at Christmas last year i was suicidal. I couldn't see any kind of future. But, with the right kind of therapy I've come through that, and because SS can see how far I've come and how hard I've worked my eldest is coming home to live any day now.

The main thing for me is that i have taken responsibility for my actions and how they impacted on our situation. I know what i need to do and am working on it.

[Curious2468]

This sounds like you have had confrontations with multiple people involved in your case and I would suggest you ask yourself why. A bit of mess is not a red flag for social workers.

[SeaOfDespair]

How can one address concerns that simply do not reflect reality? Their concerns is the history, not what I’m failing to do. They dragged up the original referral up in the PLO meeting. I reiterated that I made a complaint against the woman. Then they said that they were seen to be dirty. I asked the social worker whether she’d ever seen them dirty, she said no. I asked them whether anyone else has claimed to see them dirty, in my care, in the last year. She said no. I asked her to address the next concern. She said that I’m being dismissive. The meeting went around in circles. They said they can’t move on until I admit their concerns. Then I said I hold my hands up where I’m wrong, but I’m not admitting to something that I haven’t actually done.

Then they started talking about my elder daughter’s developmental delay. I asked them if they’re blaming me for that. They simply didn’t answer the question. I made it clear that I’ve absolutely pushed and pushed to get a referral to a paediatrician. I’ve pushed hard. I’ve taken her to speech therapy. I’ve taken her to have her hearing tested. Sw: “yeah, but.... you actually refused to go to appts unless we paid for a taxi”. I took her up on her own offer. She said that I told her I wouldn’t have bothered going without their help. I actually said to her that if she couldn’t get a taxi, don’t panic as I’ll get the bus down. No big deal.

It’s not woe is me, I’m absolutely pissed off for a reason. When they couldn’t use one concern, they moved on to another and then have accused me of ‘strange behaviour’ and a lack of understanding due to my Asperger’s Syndrome! The psychologist recently confirmed that I’m not stupid, I do not need a court appointed solicitor and my understanding is perfectly fine. She accepted children’s services have been extremely vague.

I don’t hate them, I understand their job role. I understand child protection is important. But when you’ve had an entire lack of guidance, them suddenly all agreeing with each other, very petty complaints to prove a point and an entire lack of understanding of ASD, and the effects of racism, can you actually blame me for being a tiny bit miffed?

[LittleMissBirdy]

@NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy

[Ouchmyleg]

So it’s a race thing?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Wheres the childrens dad in all this?

[HakunaRattatas]

The trouble is that the bar for removal is (too) high. This doesn't add up,

[HyggeWinter]

Oh gosh I feel awful for saying this but if 'they' told you to get/seek tenancy support, why on earth didn't you? I'm presuming youre unemployed by some of the details mentioned here so you certainly have the time to do what they advise. When you change your thinking away from it bei g a 'you' vs 'them' situation I'm sure you will see a change in their treatment of you and your case.

Ho estly, its every parents worst nightmare but now us the time to swallow all pride and do exactly what they ask without presenting excuses or barriers.

[BlackAudi]

@NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy Well done

May I ask why only your eldest?

[SeaOfDespair]

I’m going to the contact, which can be a nightmare to get to. It’s bloody horrible, but it’s for the girls. I am paying out of my own pocket for courses. I have absolutely pushed and pushed for my eldest to be referred to a paediatrician (which social services didn’t like). I’ve chucked quite a lot of clutter out. I’ve asked the sw when she will be doing this parenting assessment.

Besides the above, I’m staring at the same 4 walls. Not getting out much.

I’m not confrontational as such, I’m just extremely straight, I suppose you could say blunt. I don’t see the need to say something that isn’t true or play games. That’s the Asperger’s, I guess.

[LittleMissBirdy]

Op, are you classed as disabled? Do SS assume you need more support for your Aspergers? Do you have a support worker?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

OP

I really question the wisdom of posting something so sensitive on an open forum where the media could pick up on it.