Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

[HakunaRattatas]

@LittleMissBirdy is right. You haven't accepted reality. I know that's hard to do

[BlackAudi]

@NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy Ahh sorry I didn't realise all that. Well then you're doing the best thing for them and I'm sure SS will see that in the future.
Good luck

[ReanimatedSGB]

I think SS can decide that a parent is a 'bad' parent if that person comes up against a social worker who thinks that every parent they deal with should be humble, grateful and ashamed, and dislikes or distrusts anyone who is articulate and aware of their rights. So the SW makes an exaggerated report and tells colleagues that the parent is 'in denial' because the parent resents being patronized and bullied, and then things start to escalate...

You may not wish to answer this, OP, but do you have a manipulative XP who is the DCs' father? Could he have started this?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I really think that you need support to deal with this in real life. I suspect the whole picture is quite complex. You have ASD and it may be that the SW communication style and your communication style are very different. Please take someone to meetings with you so you have someone who can hear what is being said.

[LittleMissBirdy]

When a child is not living in a clean, happy stimulated environment it is very damaging to their mental health. I know this due to my own experience, which I won’t share as it’ll bore you.

However, to me it seems they’ve removed your children, tried to offer you support in the hopes of returning your children relatively soon, to give you breathing space & to ensure your children are safe.

So baring this in mind, do what they ask you to do, clean your home, buy your children books & stimulating toys, plan educational days out for when your children return.

In the meantime though, speak to your GP ask for help, stop lying to yourself your not coping are you? Before you get your children back you need to sort yourself out! Please see your GP & get some help x

[HakunaRattatas]

@ReanimatedSGB no that's nonsense. It is bloody hard to get a child removed. Should probably point out I'm not a social worker and don't have that bias

[WifOfBif]

This is what I work with day in day out.

What you have discribed is not enough for removal. There’s got to be more to it, and remember the local authority only recommends removal, the judge makes the final decision based on SS recommendations, your evidence and evidence from an independent reviewing officer and a guardian if necessary.

If you explain further what happened in the lead up to removal we could maybe offer some advice. Where the children on a Child In Need plan and the a child protection plan, or straight to a CP plan?

[Branleuse]

Ive known about cases where children are not removed when clearly suffering neglect and/or abuse and ive also known of a child removed for a very poor reason than was compounded by repeated complaints from a narcissist toxic family member who was very convincing.That child was eventually returned fwiw but my friend said similar. Requests for help as to what they actually wanted from her were ignored. Things seemed to be made up.
OP actually I can quite believe you.
I think social service is in crisis. Cases arent dealt with consistently, meetings not shown up to. Support isnt there. Whats forgotten is the real families at the heart of it.

[SeaOfDespair]

I’m not going to give up fighting, but I feel completely dead inside. There isn’t a lot of mental health support where I am, the system is struggling to cope. A woman I know waited 18 months for an appointment with the mental health team, she was informed this is extremely common now, due to lack of resources.

By the way, I’m in a different place now. The curtain rails are up and I don’t need shelves here. I was offered permanent accommodation a month ago, but the offer was withdrawn. It’s much nicer here. It’s more central and I feel safe walking around this area. I pushed very hard to get the repairs done here and on the 10th visit to housing options, the manager spoke to me and made sure that things were done. Absolutely lovely woman, she stuck to her word. Someone else from the company is dealing with me now and he’s great too. There’s no longer a leak in the living room and girls’ bedroom, plus the mould is under control. I made them promise to sort out the rising damp after I leave, so someone else doesn’t have to wait months to get it all sorted.

The only problem is that this place is like home to me now, I’ve got great neighbours and near to the supermarket. As much as I hate this city, having somewhere safe to call home is a bloody relief.

[Branleuse]

Can you get your mess and clutter under control. Throw things out. Throw most of it out. Get it all clean.
Make sure your relationships and friendships in your life are healthy ones.
Any drinking or drugtaking etc, dont do it.

[HakunaRattatas]

@SeaOfDespair that's a great starting place and I'm pleased to hear it. Just try and build on it now

[wejammin]

OP please listen to your solicitor's advice, they are not court appointed they are independent.
Can I also refer you to survivingsafeguarding.co.uk/ the advice there is fantastic.
This is not the time to be stubborn. Jump through the hoops.

[Curious2468]

Ok your update the autism changes my opinion hugely. Do the people involved with your case understand your condition? Have you tried talking to the autism society or similar about advocacy? It is very difficult if not impossible for someone on the spectrum to jump through hoops and agree with allegations they don’t believe are correct and it’s very easy for miscommunication to lead to them believing you aren’t engaging etc. You would not be the first autistic person to be in this situation and this is something that worries me for my daughter as she gets older (also autistic).

[SeaOfDespair]

@Branleuse that sounds like my upbringing. They failed to keep me safe. I was physically abuse and was actually neglected. My parent assured them that what I was saying was untrue and made excuses for my injuries. I first ended up homeless at 16 and social services couldn’t understand the reason why I didn’t just go home. I was literally left with nowhere to go. Ended up in the toilets of a railway station. I went to a “supported accommodation” type hostel a couple of weeks later and although it was awful, at least I could do my A Levels, which I worked very hard at.

Since I came to this authority, it’s just been like a freight train. Refusing to discount concerns that were proven to be untrue. Using small things to build up a bigger picture. Treating me like scum. I was discouraged from going home to the area where my nice family live. That would have been brilliant for the girls, they would have loved it.

[Serin]

OP, I'm guessing that your house is more than a bit messy.
If so, it's not enough to "get rid of some clutter", if you are serious about getting your DC back then get rid of all of it.
Living in a tip is a huge indicator that you arent coping.
I have known people lose their tenancies because of poor housekeeping. It's not fair on your DC.

[goldfinchfan]

I don't have experience with the SS in relation to children but I do have experience of them in another way and I have seen that if they go against you for any reason then they will even tell blatant lies to prove their point.

OP I do believe you are being treated harshly by the SS.
But I don't know what you can do other than persist.
Get all the support you can .
Take the matter to their Official Complaints procedure. Do Not let them supposed meet with anyone they send without an advocate. You can't trust them anymore.
They will have reports on you to blacken your name.
So do everything legally and with witnesses.

I hope things go better for you and I hope you keep fighting for your kids.

[goldfinchfan]

Sorry I should have written do not meet with them or anyone they send to you without an advocate or a witness, Advocate is best.

[LittleMissBirdy]

Would Op be entitled to legal Aid? Where somebody could attend meetings with her? Is that something legal aid can offer?

[Ted27]

@SeaOfDespair if you go over to the adoption board there is a thread being run by birth parents for support

[SeaOfDespair]

@Curious2468 no, they’ve made it blatantly obvious that they don’t understand my condition. When I ask straight forward questions, my social worker has been known to say the same thing, but really slowly. She’s told me that she did a week of work experience in a care home for autistic kids and she doesn’t understand why anyone with my condition would choose to have children. This is why I don’t feel like I’ve been treated like a human being. When I’ve pointed it out that my elder daughter is showing signs of autism, she suggested that it would be convenient to me, as I’d get more money. I don’t give a stuff about the money, I want my little girl to be entitled to help and support. My poor daughter isn’t able to communicate. She’s still in nappies and I’m unable to get her to understand. So this brought about the idea that I’m not stimulating her enough, if she can’t speak. She doesn’t recognise her own name. I’m actually genuinely concerned about her, which is why I’ve pushed for referrals. But children’s services don’t understand autism or how it affects people.

I’ve always tried to engage, but I will admit I’ve become scared when people raise voices and I do get defensive. I know I get defensive. I explain things and they just roll their eyes and sigh. These are my little girls. They mean the absolute world to me. Their dad isn’t around, so they’ve only got me to defend them. They’re such lovely children. I’m so proud of them. My youngest one doesn’t appear to be autistic. She’s very vocal and already cruising. She’s very easy to engage. Sometimes with my elder one, it would be easier to engage a house plant. That’s not her fault, it’s the way she is and she is an amazing little girl.

[JasBBGG]

I can't tell if there is more to this or not. You appear very genuine, calm and eloquent and I want to believe you. Please do get someone to support you. You say you are paying for the extra help etc - do you work? Can your employer offer any support?

[oabiti]

You may well feel pp was harsh but unless you understand , take on board and actively address each issue on the list it will be difficult for a sw to justify changing their assessment. Children are not removed without serious concerns for their safety and wellbeing.

You are wrong. I know this from close family experience. Some social workers are full of shit and on a power trip.

[RubbingHimSourly]

You need to start agreeing with their concerns and pronto.

[LolaSmiles]

Some social workers are full of shit and on a power trip.
Removing children isn't done on the say so of a random social worker.
It goes through a judge and there's steps before that point.

Im surprised the thread got to page 4 before the "evil social workers snatching children for no reason" came up

[Curious2468]

There is such a huge genetic component with autism that they really should be listening to your concerns and blaming your for delays isn’t fair. It also contributes to things like their diets and hygiene so they really should be looking at the bigger picture. Now the children are with carers are they seeing signs of delays too? It sounds like your social worker has preconceived ideas about someone with autism’s ability to parent which may be affecting how they perceive you but I am not sure what your best approach would be to combat that. Have you contacted the autism society?