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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite his new girlfriend to our wedding?

224 replies

Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 21:47

My DP’s brother got divorced a couple of years ago and since then he has had several failed relationships.
The first one of which came to stay with us for DS’s christening, which was fine but I felt it added stress having someone I didn’t know stay when I was trying to organise the christening and I felt the whole his parents meeting her for the first time overshadowed the fact it was DS’s christening. That only lasted about 6 months and then he got with another around Christmas time. He was due to spend Christmas with us and his parents at our house (he lives 200 miles away from us and his parents live abroad) but as he had got with her he chose not to come up and have Christmas with us, which upset his mum. Again they split.
We get married in 6 months and we haven’t invited a few partners if we haven’t met them, as space is limited and it’s around £70 a head. I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why. DP’s brother rang him to say he had seen my status and does this mean he hasn’t got a plus one (he’s been with this current one only a few weeks) DP said we would consider if we had the space, he is still with this current one and we have all met her prior to the wedding. He said to DP that he just won’t come then if she isn’t allowed in so many words and that we won’t get chance to meet her first as he has no work holidays . I can tell he’s upset about it and feel like saying well just invite her then but it’s almost like giving in to him.
Advice?

OP posts:

Rubyupbeat · 12/11/2019 08:57

I know things are different now.
But I loved weddings years ago, all the children came, lots of 'partners'. It was much less formal, but more personal somehow, usually in a hall, with a massive buffet.
Weddings are so regimented and expensive now, having to choose who can and can't come.
Not saying it's wrong as it's all a personal thing, but it must cause so many problems, I know in my family it has.

GabriellaMontez · 12/11/2019 08:58

Staying on someone's sofa the night before their wedding is just not on. Invite her. Make sure they know to get a b and b.

HeronLanyon · 12/11/2019 09:00

Agree ruby - and seems all for the profit of venues and all the myriad associated trades and suppliers and planners. Driven so often by competitiveness.
I do enjoy some weddings btw. Just think the whole thing has become way out of proportion.

Original poster

Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 09:02

@Rubyupbeat I know people who have gone to Gretna and only invited parents and immediate family, I can see why!

OP posts:

Sunflower20 · 12/11/2019 09:02

She's basically a random and will still be a random in 6 months time if you don't see her much, so no way. Reasonable to invite longterm partners only.

Original poster

Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 09:03

@Sunflower20 That was our thoughts exactly

OP posts:

PrincessHoneysuckle · 12/11/2019 09:04

I hadn't met my brothers girlfriend before the wedding and it was fine.One thing to consider though is that if they split up and hes single when it's the wedding he may bring a random friend.I know someone who this happened to and they had a stranger on wedding pics.

cheesydoesit · 12/11/2019 09:13

Your soon to be BIL sounds like a total dick. I think if you had elaborated in your original post on his previous selfish behaviour at the christening and the fact he assumes he will be staying at your house, and that he didn't attend his own parents vow renewal because he didn't like the venue then you might have received different replies.

returnofthecat · 12/11/2019 09:20

I don't think I would give him a plus one.

Your friends probably wouldn't say anything, but I bet they'd be hurt if their partners of many years were refused an invite, but someone your DB had only recently met was invited. Your best friends are the family you choose, so I'd expect those in the inner circle to be treated comparably.

If you're going to create a blanket rule, the best way not to hurt anyone is to apply it consistently and not create exceptions. Everyone who has to play by the rule will always think an exception should have been made for them too.

NewYoiker · 12/11/2019 09:25

Just an aside.. so when I got married I should have given DHs single sister who knew all our guests including her 2 brothers not getting married and their partners they'd been with for over a year., was staying in the hotel with her family paid for by us should have had a plus one to bring a friend to our wedding? She wanted to bring a friend from home

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 12/11/2019 09:29

I'm starting to think you created the no partners rule just so you could wind up DBIL.

He's your groom's brother. It's beyond rude to say he can't bring a partner. He's not equivalent to your nephew and I'm embarrassed for you if you used that line of argument with him, DH or your MIL.

Do you really want DH's family's overwhelming memory of your wedding to be that you created a huge drama about the groom's brother bringing a plus-one? Because that's where you're heading.

derxa · 12/11/2019 10:22

She's basically a random and will still be a random in 6 months time if you don't see her much She's a person and not a 'random'
OP send an invitation to your BIL with +1 on it. The end.

FreshStart01 · 12/11/2019 11:33

YABU You have to invite her. And you don't know if this one won't last, you don't want that being lauded over you for the rest of your life. Chances are you'll look at your wedding pictures in 10 years time and half your friends will have got divorced or you'll just have lost touch with them. Are you going to ask for your £70 a head back from them as thatcwasn't part of the plan? No of course not. Be charitable, make the decision quickly and then let it go so you can enjoy your day. Too easy to get wrapped up in controlling every detail of your own wedding, when in the grand scheme of things its just not important, all that is important is that your celebrating the love you have for each other.

charm8ed · 12/11/2019 11:45

My SIL did this when she for married. She didn’t invite her brother’s new girlfriend as they hadn’t been together very long. Now just over 25 years later they are still together.
I’d invite him plus one.

FreshStart01 · 12/11/2019 12:30

@NewYoiker Yes IMO. You should treat all closest family the same. If you are getting to the point of seeing each of your guests with a £X above their head then I think that's very sad. Yes its expensive, but its your choice to have an expensive wedding. You could just go somewhere and have it just the two of you, or registry office with no celebration. You decided to invite lots of people to a hotel with a meal, then you get tight about it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/11/2019 16:35

Obvious solution. Put her name on invite -

Then one weekend in jan arrange for bil and gf to come down. It’s a few hours drive. They can drive there and Back or stay in a Prem inn near you. You have now met her

if they are together then will be over 6mths and what you said you are happy with

You obv must have one space for her - 65 is a weird number - surely they can squeeze one more chair on one table to accommodate her

Obv they don’t stay at yours for wedding

If they split up then not a problem

It’s a bit mean to not allow bil a plus one

Jaxhog · 12/11/2019 17:07

I'm with you OP. I wouldn't say anything and wait to see if she turns out to be a keeper. Having a random woman (or man) at your wedding, whom nobody knows isn't right, especially if you've not invited long term partners etc. Just because he's your DF's groomsman and brother isn't a good enough reason in my view. He's a CF if he insists.

silencebeforethebleeps · 12/11/2019 17:08

My cousin was the GF who didn't get an invite. 25 years later we still have to listen to "I wasn't allowed to come to the wedding and now look at us" every single time we get together...

Belfield · 12/11/2019 17:34

Iwouldn't invite someone who he is dating only a short time. Sure if Pippa wouldn't invite vogue why should you! If the brother wont' come, he is being dramatic. If you do decide to invite her, I definitely wouldn't have her staying in your house prior to the wedding. it should be as stress free as possible. Enjoy your day

funinthesun19 · 12/11/2019 17:35

Have you invited his ex wife? Because if you have invited her and not his girlfriend then I think that will just compound the issue.

KarmaStar · 12/11/2019 19:26

Can you invite her just to the evening part op?

ExcitedForFuture · 13/11/2019 09:01

Well I've spoken to my brotherr, his DP is invited to our siblings wedding. Mine isn't. AFAIK, B&G have only met his DP once as they live away from us. So a clear message to me: unmarried brother with a string of GFs (I don't care at all what he does) gets to bring his DP, me going through a divorce after a very long term marriage doesn't get to take my DP.

It's a half sibling so they'll actually be very few family of mine there and I won't know hardly anyone at all. I'm very very unimpressed but can't figure out whether I'm going to suck it up or say something which is likely to cause a fallout.

Heartburn888 · 13/11/2019 09:03

I think you should invite but i feel you may have set the tone by trying not invite her. I’d feel awkward attending if I was her as I would know I wasn’t really wanted there.

NameChangeNugget · 13/11/2019 14:05

You’re being mean.

You’d have been a ‘random’ once. Don’t lose sight of that

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