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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite his new girlfriend to our wedding?

224 replies

Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 21:47

My DP’s brother got divorced a couple of years ago and since then he has had several failed relationships.
The first one of which came to stay with us for DS’s christening, which was fine but I felt it added stress having someone I didn’t know stay when I was trying to organise the christening and I felt the whole his parents meeting her for the first time overshadowed the fact it was DS’s christening. That only lasted about 6 months and then he got with another around Christmas time. He was due to spend Christmas with us and his parents at our house (he lives 200 miles away from us and his parents live abroad) but as he had got with her he chose not to come up and have Christmas with us, which upset his mum. Again they split.
We get married in 6 months and we haven’t invited a few partners if we haven’t met them, as space is limited and it’s around £70 a head. I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why. DP’s brother rang him to say he had seen my status and does this mean he hasn’t got a plus one (he’s been with this current one only a few weeks) DP said we would consider if we had the space, he is still with this current one and we have all met her prior to the wedding. He said to DP that he just won’t come then if she isn’t allowed in so many words and that we won’t get chance to meet her first as he has no work holidays . I can tell he’s upset about it and feel like saying well just invite her then but it’s almost like giving in to him.
Advice?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 11/11/2019 22:34

bird?

Rude!

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 22:36

I say ‘bird‘ all the time.. it’s just slang? I don’t even know her name.
It’s £70 once you add welcome drinks, yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 22:36

Bird is rude!? Eh?? Are any of you northern!? Grin

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 11/11/2019 22:37

But its not just your wedding is it? Its your partners too. Its his brother. I wouldn't be keen either in fairness. Ask your partner what he thinks. If he wants his brother to have a plus one then I think you should invite her. If he's not keen either let him be the bad guy.
What if they get serious and married themselves? It won't be forgotten.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 11/11/2019 22:37

Why choose a venue that can't accommodate you're guests. Instead you expect couples to attend on their own its poor etiquette.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 22:39

My partner said the same, it’s been a mutual agreement. I didn’t hold a gun to his head to get him to say what he did to his brother today.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 11/11/2019 22:40

New rule. Brother stays at a hotel if he is bringing a date. No chance someone I have never met would be staying in my house.

He should be getting a hotel if it’s your wedding anyway.

But let him bring a date, even if it’s a new woman. It’s his brother and it isn’t worth a rift.

fessmess · 11/11/2019 22:41

Invite her.

Supersimkin2 · 11/11/2019 22:44

Love, relax. You're giving everyone a fantastic party.

You'll get attention. Make sure it's for the right reasons.

schafernaker · 11/11/2019 22:45
  1. no they are not staying in your house, send local air b n b/hotel whatever links!!
  2. I jokingly suggested he pays, however we did end up striking a similar deal with my parents. We invited who we thought were important (and paid) dad wanted 4 extra guests that could be accommodated that he paid for. Maybe if your DP parents want her there they will cough up for her!
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 22:47

@Purpleartichoke that’s what happened for the Christening. For 2 nights before we had this new woman or his staying at our house on a sofa bed in the living room, loudly drinking until 5am while I was upstairs with baby trying to get us both to sleep.
It looks like very mixed opinions which I appreciate, that’s what creating posts are for! I think DP actually feels now that if he does give her an invite he has let his brother back him into a corner for an invite. He said he was very disappointed in his response.
I’ll just keep quiet I think and let it pan out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 22:48

@Supersimkin2 Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
ExcitedForFuture · 11/11/2019 22:48

It's very clear you don't want to invite her OP so why ask.

I'm going through a divorce. I have a new partner, we've been together nearly a year and forsee a future together. I have a sibling's wedding next year, who have met my partner. Invitations are out. I don't have a +1. I am seriously unimpressed and considering not going. My DCs aren't invited to their own uncle's wedding either. So I'm expected to spend that day alone.

Don't be a dick about a sibling's partner. If DP and I end up getting married, I will not forget this at all. Sibling's fiance also told our brother that he was only getting a +1 if he actually kept the GF he's got now. Just made her sound like a wanker tbh and I've now lost respect for them and she has really gone down in my estimation.

AhNowTed · 11/11/2019 22:49

I'll never understand why

  1. You as a guest would want to bring someone who's never met the B&G
  1. The B&G should invite someone they don't know.

Taking it to it's logical conclusion, you could end up with almost 50% plus ones.

What the hell is wrong with going on your own. I'd much rather that than worrying about a new boyfriend who doesn't know anyone.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 22:51

@schafernaker That’s absolutely fair enough. I will let him speak to his mum and get her opinion on the matter.
He can be stubborn (BIL) and she knows it. They had a row renewal a few years back and he didn’t go because it wasn’t in the city he wanted it to be, he wanted it where he lived but she chose it to be where the bulk of her family are. He said they did it for their other people and didn’t come out of principle. He was still married at the time, and the wife was very much invited!

OP posts:
dungtwicebother · 11/11/2019 22:53

Plus one.

So just because other adults are lucky enough to have a relationship, why does no one bat an eyelid at inviting theses relatives other halves?

It's really difficult going to family celebrations as a single. Everyone is lovely dovey. Or coo-OMG over their precious offspring

If he does or does not currently have a girlfriend then he should have plus one regardless because all the other relatives do. He can bring his best mate Nigel if he wants for company.

You didn't bat an eyelid at £70 for an aunt or uncle or cousin who for all you know has the worst relationship and is on the brink of divorce

yikesanotherbooboo · 11/11/2019 22:54

I think you should do your best to find space for your STBBIL's GF. He is going to be part of your family going forward and you don't want your wedding to have negative connotations for the family or indeed yourself.
They do not need to stay the night in your home.

Soontobe60 · 11/11/2019 22:54

@HeddaGarbled
If you think her choice of ‘bird’ is rude, her other thread refers to her as ‘some random’ and another equally derogatory noun that I can’t remember!
Talk about sexist! Oh and yesOP, I’m very northern. We stopped using such terms many years ago before we knew better.

dontcallmeduck · 11/11/2019 22:54

I completely understand with money being tight but I’d look at it this way, would you pay £140 for BIL to attend? If yes then invite her.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 22:54

@ExcitedForFuture that’s a different situation in that you have been together for a year and he has met them. If he was still with the girl he was with at Christmas we would have no issue with him bringing her along.
If he knew no one apart from us then I could see why he would want a +1, but he knows at least 50% of the people there. He will hardly be alone.

OP posts:
Skysblue · 11/11/2019 22:56

Going to a wedding alone when not single sounds weirdly lonely to me, if I was the brother I’d be upset to.

Just invite her. As for feeling backed into a corner this is not a competition this is about avoiding a big family drama with sulks potentially lasting years just for the sake of £70.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 22:56

@Soontobe60 thanks bird! :-)

OP posts:
Skysblue · 11/11/2019 22:57

Ps and he may know lots of people and he may not be alone but that doesn’t mean he won’t be feeling lonely

Aridane · 11/11/2019 22:59

Jeez Louise - the milk of human kindness runners over

What is it about weddings that brings out vile tendencies?

I say ‘bird‘ all the time.. it’s just slang? I don’t even know her name

and quite clearly don't want to know her name

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 23:00

@dontcallmeduck Good point. I think I’ll let DP have a good chat with his mum and let them draw their own conclusions.
We aren’t inviting a few partners if we don’t know, or haven’t met them.
If I was the new girlfriend and my new boyfriend said to me the wedding was organised before I came along so I didn’t have an invite I don’t think I would be that bothered. In fact I’ve had +1’s invited to weddings and they’ve been in photos and I bloody wish they hadn’t as I’d rather forget them!

OP posts: