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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite his new girlfriend to our wedding?

224 replies

Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 21:47

My DP’s brother got divorced a couple of years ago and since then he has had several failed relationships.
The first one of which came to stay with us for DS’s christening, which was fine but I felt it added stress having someone I didn’t know stay when I was trying to organise the christening and I felt the whole his parents meeting her for the first time overshadowed the fact it was DS’s christening. That only lasted about 6 months and then he got with another around Christmas time. He was due to spend Christmas with us and his parents at our house (he lives 200 miles away from us and his parents live abroad) but as he had got with her he chose not to come up and have Christmas with us, which upset his mum. Again they split.
We get married in 6 months and we haven’t invited a few partners if we haven’t met them, as space is limited and it’s around £70 a head. I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why. DP’s brother rang him to say he had seen my status and does this mean he hasn’t got a plus one (he’s been with this current one only a few weeks) DP said we would consider if we had the space, he is still with this current one and we have all met her prior to the wedding. He said to DP that he just won’t come then if she isn’t allowed in so many words and that we won’t get chance to meet her first as he has no work holidays . I can tell he’s upset about it and feel like saying well just invite her then but it’s almost like giving in to him.
Advice?

OP posts:
Jesse1992 · 11/11/2019 23:46

I'd just say yes he can invite her ,but he can pay her £70 ....and be honest about why , because they gaffer been together long & she's not to be in immediate family photos due to the lack of time invested & how well you know her.....

Curtainly · 11/11/2019 23:46

So you haven't met her but you're judging her and assuming she is another of his 'tarts'. I feel bad that his brother isn't sticking up for him, but he probably knows its not worth the drama from you; it's his wedding day too. Id give close family members a plus one, and LOL to the fact you're worried it will take the attention off of you.

Icanflyhigh · 11/11/2019 23:49

When my brother got married, I had only been with DP a couple of months, and my brother said quite clearly that he wasn't inviting some random bloke he'd never met to his wedding.
I was fine with that, and in the end DP did come to just the evening do, got on great with brother and everyone happy!

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 23:50

@Icanflyhigh Perfect! Smile Glad to hear a happy story! And did you resent your BIL for not inviting you?

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Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 23:51

Sorry I mean did your DH resent your brother, or you for not inviting him?

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avacadooo · 11/11/2019 23:52

Did this with my dad. Uninvited him because he didn't want to come without his latest girlfriend, broke up with that girlfriend and I didn't speak to him for three years because he chose her over me.
I regret nothing just that he was so self centred and ignored how I felt about a random woman.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 23:56

@avacadooo I think this is how DP is feeling at the moment. That his brother is pretty much saying he either invites the woman he has known a matter of weeks or he won’t come to his brothers wedding.
As I say we didn’t say no, just that it’s the same women he’s seeing now and not another and that we’ve met her prior, or at least his parents have. If he had said that would be fine then no issue, but he basically said if I can’t invite a woman I’m not coming at all.

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Icanflyhigh · 11/11/2019 23:57

@talkthirty2me

Nope, no resentment at all from anywhere. My brother chose not to have any children except their son at his wedding, which meant I sorted childcare for my 3 DC, my DH got it completely, and it's never been a problem. My sister whined and moaned about not being able to bring her 4 DC, but it was my brother and SILs day - so their choice completely!

DelphiniumBlue · 11/11/2019 23:59

What is all this plus one thing? And why would a member of the family need one, when they will obviously know a lot of the people there? Is there something the matter with people that they can't socialize with their own family without some random hanging on their arm?
Obviously you would invite a girlfriend you know, who is or is likely th o be a long term partner, but not just anyone he happens to have had a few dates with.
Maybe just wait till nearer the time? Wedding invitations are traditionally not sent out till 6 weeks before, although you might flag up the date to close family and friends.
We've just received a save the date card from a nephew, but interestingly it doesn't name any of us. I happen to know that my adult DC will only be invited to the evening do, but it's not mentioned in the card. I think you would be perfectly in order not to discuss this with him until much nearer the time.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 00:03

@Icanflyhigh Finally someone talking sense!
We are having children as we thought it would be nice for our DS to have others to keep him amused, but we were at a wedding this weekend where he wasn’t invited so we just got a babysitter and enjoyed a free night!
As you said “their choice completely!”

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Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 00:07

@DelphiniumBlue Finally, another person talking sense!
This is my point and me and DP have said if it was someone we desperately wanted there and they wouldn’t know a single other person, we would let them have a plus one if it meant that was the only way they would come and not feel awkward.
But he has his parents, aunties, uncles, cousins, nephew.. I don’t know why he desperately needs someone on his arm!
As I say he couldn’t even leave the last girlfriend for 24-48 hours at Christmas to come and spend Christmas with his mum even though he knew how upset she was as it would have been the first Christmas in a long time everyone was together.
I personally don’t get the mentality. I guess some people just can’t bare to be seen as single.

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Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 00:08

@DelphiniumBlue ps I think waiting nearer the time is a sensible idea and see how things pan out.

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Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 00:10

*bear not bare

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WorraLiberty · 12/11/2019 00:13

Another point which is maybe selfish on my part (but if I’m not allowed to be selfish in my wedding day, when am I?)

I am hard work, and after 8 years they all know that! If I’m not allowed to be hard work when it comes to my wedding though, I’m not sure when I am

Why do you aspire to being 'selfish' and 'hard work' at any time? Confused

You're getting married, not getting a Damehood ffs.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 00:15

@Worraliberty I don’t aspire to be, I just am what I am.
If I was getting a Damehood we wouldn’t have to pay for her invite or crop her out of the photos when they split up!Grin

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chardonm · 12/11/2019 00:40

You are just rude. Expecting people to celebrate you and your groom's love but having people show up without their partners.

That, and judging their relationships.

Just awful. Remember that you will still need to have relationships with all of these people after the wedding. Would you like to be seen as a gracious host or as a spoilt brat?

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 00:44

@chardonm Not really bothered either way Wink

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Butterymuffin · 12/11/2019 00:58

Friends we know who live hundreds of miles away saying they understand it they only get a night invite and will still come.

How sad that you've treated good friends like this. They will have said they understand to your face, but they'll be privately thinking it's a poor way to behave.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:06

@Butterymuffin
Those friends have never been taken off the list for the whole day. One reason being that they mean things like that, they really would travel just for the evening but we never considered doing that.
Shoe on other foot I have been invited just for an evening do for a wedding several hours away.

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Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:08

@Butterymuffin so I understand the assumption but in this circumstance it was incorrect.

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Emeraldshamrock · 12/11/2019 01:13

Finally, another person talking sense!
Just because others don't agree with you it doesn't mean they are not talking sense.
Let BIL have a plus one.
Regardless of his relationship status he is your DP's brother.
It is not your place to judge his lifestyle.
All this my big day stuff is ridiculous.

Zeldetta · 12/11/2019 01:13

I understand that planning a wedding is hard work and expensive but if you can’t afford for the brother of the groom to bring his girlfriend, you can’t afford this wedding. Of course he gets to bring her, but have a chat in advance about the family photos.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:20

Everyone’s opinions aside, I think I’ve decided to just see how it pans out. If he’s still with this one, as we have said and reiterated, if we’ve met her even briefly, she can come. If it’s another he has been with a matter of weeks then, no.
I’ll let DP talk it out with his mum anyway.
A lot can change in 6 months.
But I will put my foot down on having her stay at my house on an air bed for days before the wedding!
It’s not just a case of money, it’s numbers. There is no one on the list at this moment that either of us haven’t met or really want there. It would mean having to decide to take someone out for her, depending on if any RSVP no.

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Monty27 · 12/11/2019 01:21

Isn't it normal to have a plus one? Cut your cloth etc. Maybe they could pay for plus ones. Harsh I know. But going to a wedding by yourself is pretty shit is it not?

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:26

@monty27 I don’t know, I’ve gone to weddings with just my parents before (as an adult) didn’t bother me Hmm

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