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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite his new girlfriend to our wedding?

224 replies

Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 21:47

My DP’s brother got divorced a couple of years ago and since then he has had several failed relationships.
The first one of which came to stay with us for DS’s christening, which was fine but I felt it added stress having someone I didn’t know stay when I was trying to organise the christening and I felt the whole his parents meeting her for the first time overshadowed the fact it was DS’s christening. That only lasted about 6 months and then he got with another around Christmas time. He was due to spend Christmas with us and his parents at our house (he lives 200 miles away from us and his parents live abroad) but as he had got with her he chose not to come up and have Christmas with us, which upset his mum. Again they split.
We get married in 6 months and we haven’t invited a few partners if we haven’t met them, as space is limited and it’s around £70 a head. I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why. DP’s brother rang him to say he had seen my status and does this mean he hasn’t got a plus one (he’s been with this current one only a few weeks) DP said we would consider if we had the space, he is still with this current one and we have all met her prior to the wedding. He said to DP that he just won’t come then if she isn’t allowed in so many words and that we won’t get chance to meet her first as he has no work holidays . I can tell he’s upset about it and feel like saying well just invite her then but it’s almost like giving in to him.
Advice?

OP posts:
Aridane · 12/11/2019 08:14

we have said if they are still together closer to the time, providing we have been introduced - even by FaceTime(!) she can come, as the likelihood is we will have had ‘no’ RSVP’s by that time, creating a space for her which at the moment doesn’t exist

I’ve known easier job interviews Shock

NataliaOsipova · 12/11/2019 08:15

Remember that you will still need to have relationships with all of these people after the wedding

This is an excellent point....

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but your wedding is an enormous big deal only to you and your fiancé. (And possibly your mum.) For anyone else, it’s either just another lovely day (if they like weddings) or a bit of a pain and a weekend wiped out (if you’re like my DH and you hate them). You are dealing with a situation regarding a close member of the family into which you are marrying and, unfortunately, these kind of slights/arguments are remembered for years. It’s obviously important to your BIL to bring this girlfriend with him. I’d just respect that, even if I did find it slightly irritating.

OllyBJolly · 12/11/2019 08:15

I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why

What was the explanation? I don't like you enough? Drama Llama.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:19

@olly that we are limited to a certain number of people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:20

@Aridane you’ve had some pretty easy job interviews then! Grin

OP posts:
SunniDay · 12/11/2019 08:22

Hi OP,
I think you should send an invite to the BIL and Guest (doesn't matter if it is her/another girlfriend or a pal that he brings.

Whoever he brings don't have him stay at yours. You will be off the scale stressed without house guests. I'd be amazed if anyone expected to stay at the bride and grooms house before a wedding unless to help. A Travelodge/ premier inn is £40. Tell him to book one. (Or just tell him you can't put anyone up and keep out of his plans is probably a better idea)

Reading your post I wanted to mention:
Friends we know who live hundreds of miles away saying they understand it they only get a night invite and will still come.

I travelled hours when pregnant to go to the evening do of a very close friend (having been told it was a very small wedding/no friends at day do). It was the beginning of the end for our friendship with him (a couple of others in the group also same). Seeing all the other people that had ranked before us when we had been there for him (the groom) by his side through the best and the very worst of times hurt and never had much to do with him from there on in.

Whoever said planning a wedding was stressful!!

OllyBJolly · 12/11/2019 08:30

that we are limited to a certain number of people

You really have very little self awareness. That might be what you said, what you meant was (and what people understood) you're not important enough.

You know what I loved about my wedding? Having all my
old and new family and friends around having a great time. Venue, dress, table decorations - can barely remember any of that.

thecatsthecats · 12/11/2019 08:32

Remember that you will still need to have relationships with all of these people after the wedding

To be fair, it sounds like the BIL is one of those people who perpetually threaten to flounce (and do, in hurtful fashions), but would never dream of depriving themselves of the oxygen of attention.

This precise mechanics of this invite aren't going to change his behaviour!

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:37

@SunniDay Thank you for your reply, it’s much appreciated. I’m not sure if you sure my post further down but these friends have never been taken off the full day invites, one of many reasons being they are genuine lovely people and really would have come if they only had an evening invite. But that was never considered. I’ve been invited to just an evening do which was from an old friend who moved away and it was about a 4 hour journey away. We didn’t go and there were no hard feelings on either part really, I appreciated the thought Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:40

@OllyBJolly but doesn’t anyone who only get an evening invite have the unspoken assumption of “not important enough” whether any Facebook posts are made or not? Hmm
Your wedding sounded lovely Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:41

@thecatsthecats It seems to be he has to turn any occasion to be about him regardless of who it upsets.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 12/11/2019 08:41

I agree it's tricky. Have your siblings got plus ones? Has anyone got as +1 that you've never met?

The thing that would be non negotiable is them staying on your sofa.

hopeishere · 12/11/2019 08:42

We had this with bil. Basically said he wouldn't come if we didn't let him bring a plus one who was someone he fancied not even a proper girlfriend. I'd never even met her.

After a MASSIVE argument we backed down. It still rankles. The "relationship" went no-where.

I still don't really understand why she wanted to come.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:44

@GabriellaMontez I have one step sister who is bridesmaid and her daughter our only flower girl, and her husband is invited. I (obviously) know them both.
The staying on the sofa seems to be expected!

OP posts:
SunniDay · 12/11/2019 08:46

Here's an interesting question for you to ponder (sorry if it has already been said)

If you invite only brother in law alone and when he goes on to marry (whoever) and he does the same and invites only his brother (and not you) to their wedding would you and your partner accept that with good grace and humour? Or would all he'll let loose with a million reasons why it wasn't on? He could have quite a bit of fun with that one day. Even keep you out of the photos as if you divorce you will be spoiling them!

Lazypuppy · 12/11/2019 08:47

OP YANBU!

no one is having plus ones to our wedding, if i know both people in the couple they are both named on the invite. I'm not having strangers at my wedding, especially for £50 a head.

I think ita rude for people to ask.

In my friendship group its normal, you just say that if people drop out then they can have their space.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:47

@hopeishere this is exactly how I imagine this might pan out. As far as I’m aware they aren’t official at the moment either. At the christening the girl he brought along stayed at our house, got drunk with him downstairs and set off the hob (luckily DP noticed.. when he burnt his hand) and walked into my bedroom drunk at 5am when I was feeding DS. She also wanted to be in every photo and spent the weekend taking selfies with all the family (including my baby) to post on Facebook.
I hate to be once bitten twice shy.

OP posts:
Milicentbystander72 · 12/11/2019 08:47

Just invite her and get on with it.

When I got married a good friend phoned me the day before the wedding to say that the mutual friend she was coming with (flakey mutual friend!) couldn't come and could she bring her new boyfriend instead. She'd only been seeing him a month.
I said of course, no problem (or a meal would go to waste).

Friend and boyfriend got married 3 years later and now have 2 children and we see them often.

Don't overthink it.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:49

@SunniDay If I’m quite honest, I wouldn’t want to be at a wedding if that was how he was. If he marries again we will have been together at least 10 years, and married. As I say I wouldn’t stop DP or our son going but I wouldn’t want to go.

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 12/11/2019 08:49

Erm no, I am comparing her to the directing technique used in a film, clearly intended to draw the eye to a particular figure out of a crowd. Christ.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 12/11/2019 08:50

We aren’t inviting a few partners if we don’t know, or haven’t met them.

So you feel its appropriate to expect couples/families to split for the day to watch you and your partner celebrate your relationship?

A little hypocritical don't you think?

I'm getting married soon and everyone coming has a plus one whether I like them or not, because it's the right thing to do.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:51

@Lazypuppy Thank you! I wouldn’t expect a plus one if it was a new relationship either. As long as I knew other people going I wouldn’t really care!

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:53

@Didntwanttochangemyname we aren’t expecting families to split for a day, as if they are a family they have clearly been together a while.
I can cope without my DP for a day at weddings as long as I know other people. He isn’t my right arm!

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:53

@Didntwanttochangemyname ps good luck with the wedding

OP posts:
Tvstar · 12/11/2019 08:57

Of course you invite partners if siblings, to not do so would be terribly bad manners. It is not about the girl, its about respecting the brother

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