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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite his new girlfriend to our wedding?

224 replies

Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 21:47

My DP’s brother got divorced a couple of years ago and since then he has had several failed relationships.
The first one of which came to stay with us for DS’s christening, which was fine but I felt it added stress having someone I didn’t know stay when I was trying to organise the christening and I felt the whole his parents meeting her for the first time overshadowed the fact it was DS’s christening. That only lasted about 6 months and then he got with another around Christmas time. He was due to spend Christmas with us and his parents at our house (he lives 200 miles away from us and his parents live abroad) but as he had got with her he chose not to come up and have Christmas with us, which upset his mum. Again they split.
We get married in 6 months and we haven’t invited a few partners if we haven’t met them, as space is limited and it’s around £70 a head. I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why. DP’s brother rang him to say he had seen my status and does this mean he hasn’t got a plus one (he’s been with this current one only a few weeks) DP said we would consider if we had the space, he is still with this current one and we have all met her prior to the wedding. He said to DP that he just won’t come then if she isn’t allowed in so many words and that we won’t get chance to meet her first as he has no work holidays . I can tell he’s upset about it and feel like saying well just invite her then but it’s almost like giving in to him.
Advice?

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 12/11/2019 05:49

I would invite dos brother plus one no matter who that might be and no matter whether you have met them or not.
Absolutely would not have them to stay. They need to sort out accom for themselves.
In your first post you sounded annoyed that previous relationships had ‘failed’ and the idea that she couldn’t come unless you had met her is just odd and judgmental to my eye. He may just be someone for whom things don’t work out the way you would like. I may be completely wrong about this obvs.
Good luck and have a great wedding. Congrats.

LannisterLion1 · 12/11/2019 07:03

Evening invite

If you are limited on space, you want to invite dearest and nearest. Your db may not even be with this woman in 6 months and if he is then evening invite and hotel. He doesn't sound like he's accommodating and expects things his way so why should you and your df.

Stepping back and letting df deal with his brother is best. If he wants to then give up a slot he can find one.

Dh and i have been to weddings where just one of us is invited, even very close friends. We both understood.

chamenanged · 12/11/2019 07:03

You posted an apology on Facebook apologising for some people not getting a full day invite to your wedding? When you're pushing thirty and already have a kid with the guy you're getting married to? Yikes.

Froggledoggleoggle · 12/11/2019 07:08

For less stress I'd give him the plus one. But I would make it clear she will not be in all of the family photos if he burns through girlfriends as quickly as your op suggests.

NameChangeEveryThreeThreads · 12/11/2019 07:11

1)It was daft to post on Facebook, tone of voice and good intentions never come across.

2)Being worried that her meeting the family will overshadow your day is ridiculous. The family will greet her and then assume she won't be part of their lives in 6months time, just like the others. Nobody is going to spend the day gushing over her and you sound really childish.
3) if you don't invite her fine, I don't blame you, but make sure it was worth it in 10years time. He might get over it or he might end up marrying this one!

AmIThough · 12/11/2019 07:18

I was kind of on your side at the beginning but after reading all your responses it's very clear you're doing this to prove how much of a diva you can be - you seem to pride yourself on being mean and awkward. They're not good traits to have.

The first time you meet someone being a wedding or christening just isn't them trying to overshadow anything.

Its unfortunate for DB's brother that relationships haven't worked out but it's not like he's got a different girlfriend every week, is it?

Are all 65 people on the list there because you want them there, or because you feel obliged to have them there?
You mention a great aunt - presumably she's only there because your parents want her there and it would make no difference to you or DP if she wasn't there (just judging by the comment you made about her), so why is she any more important than a potential future SIL?

stayfit · 12/11/2019 07:31

I think it's your wedding day and it should be all about what you want mutually agreed with your partner of course.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 07:33

@chamenanged I wish I was only pushing 30, I’m 31. It was a mutual decision from me and DH to post on Facebook once we sat down and looked at number and realised that there would be friends, odd family members and plus ones that we wouldn’t be able to invite. It’s the way of the world now and I’ve seen other people either announce similar things, or say they are having to have a smaller wedding, on facebook and I’ve thought nothing of it. Horses for courses.
@AmIThough this will be the 4th girlfriend this year. It’s not every week no, but it’s quite a high changeover rate.

I had a quick chat with DP this morning before he left for work and he said he’s even less inclined to invite her after the way he spoke to and reacted to him yesterday.
As I say he didn’t come to his parents vow renewal as it wasn’t where he wanted it to be, so he really is no stranger to cutting his nose off to spite his face.
I’m just going to let it work itself out, and DP decide how he wants to play it. 6 months is a long time and a lot can change. He may well marry this one eventually, which is why (I repeat) we said she can come if they are still together.
Myself,DP and MIL to be have agreed many months ago that if he was to get with anyone else after Christmas then they would not be getting an invite.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 07:35

@stayfit Thank you

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 12/11/2019 07:42

Don't invite her and let her dodge the bullet as you and your DP parents sound like arse holes. Referring to women as slags, birds and some ransoms. Rude as fuck.

flissity · 12/11/2019 07:44

“ is why (I repeat) we said she can come if they are still together.
Myself,DP and MIL to be have”

So she can come then? Obviously if they aren’t together she won’t!

I just don’t get why you didn’t find a larger venue. I can’t believe you didn’t look around for other places. That’s one of the exciting parts of wedding planning! A larger place would have allowed all these people that you really care about, to come.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 07:45

It was ‘tarts’ not slags, and that came from FIL to be, not me. I call my friends birds, to me it’s just another word for woman. I think wench is worse!

OP posts:
averythinline · 12/11/2019 07:46

your DH needs to be clear they cant stay at yours though.....as will be too packed/busy with wedding stuff..... (you will be! ).

LEELULUMPKIN · 12/11/2019 07:47

As previous PPs have said, yes this is your wedding but it is also very important not to forget that it is your DP's wedding too.

Marriage is all about compromise and at the end of the day, it shouldn't really matter who else is there.

You should be concentrating on each other, not worrying about whether a guest is taking attention away from you.

As long as your DP's attention is focused on you and vice versa, you are the only two people who matter.

Perhaps thinking more about your actual marriage and what that means rather than getting so worked up about the wedding ceremony, which is just one day in a hopefully long and happy partnership may be helpful.

BeanBag7 · 12/11/2019 07:48

I would say she can come with three caveats

  • he ensures that she has met you and closs relatives (parents and siblings) before the wedding
  • they stay at a hotel or b and b , not on your sofa bed
  • if they break up before the wedding, his next girlfriend cannot take her place
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 07:50

@flissity I know and as I say hindsight is a wonderful thing. I just wasn’t really bothered where the evening was, all I wanted was a church wedding and I was happy for DP to choose where to have the evening, which he then went for this one as he knows the owners. I was just a bit blasé like yes it’s nice enough, close enough, surely 65 plenty and we know it’s nice food.. so it’s fine. Again, hindsight.
We never said she couldn’t if they are still together and at least someone has met her.
He just said he isn’t coming at all if it’s under stipulations. If he can not turn up to his own parents vow renewal knowing he’s hurt them, I’m sure he’s capable of cutting his nose off with us just for not wanting his latest (insert name here) to take up a place.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 12/11/2019 07:51

As an aside, the excuse that you wont be able to meet her because he has "no work holidays" is bollocks. No days off in 6 months? What about weekends, bank holidays? Or does he live 500 miles away and I missed it?

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 07:52

@BeanBag7 that is pretty much exactly what DP said to him. In fact a B&B wasn’t even mentioned so in his brothers eyes this was still under the assumption he would stay here.
He then said he isn’t coming at all if it’s under stipulations, and he wasn’t even bothered about coming, he would rather just go to the stag etc. I’m not sure on how the conversation went exactly but I know it really opened DP’s eyes to quite how awkward he can be.

OP posts:
mummymayhem18 · 12/11/2019 07:54

You sound like a bit of a Bridezilla to be honest. Of course the grooms brother should have a plus one. Strange as well your nephews partners not getting an invite when you say they have been together years. It doesn't matter if you don't see them regularly,they are part of the family. I know weddings are costly but these are family members you are talking about.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 07:55

@BeanBag7 he does live about 3-4 hours away. But he’s going to stay with his parents at Christmas so if she’s so important surely she can meet them then? Or as you say, in 6 months I’m certain he can have at least a few days off as I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to not have any holidays Confused it’s just an excuse as us meeting her prior to the wedding would involve him having to put himself out a bit and he doesn’t like to do that for anyone, ever.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 12/11/2019 07:55

Well in that case that's his choice. You have offered him a plus one, if he wants to turn it down that's on him. I missed that in your first post so maybe all the people saying "you must give him a plus one or you'll look like a witch" did too.
I wouldnt want to invite someone I didnt know, especially when there is no real reason why you can't meet her first except the brother deliberately being awkward.

BeanBag7 · 12/11/2019 07:57

@mummymayhem18 the brother has been offered a plus one, just on the (very reasonable) condition that the bride and groom have the chance to meet the girlfriend at least once beforehand.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 07:57

@mummymayhem18 My sister (their mum) agreed not to invite them as she doesn’t think they will come anyway (my nephews) but if plus ones are invited they won’t be able to make it in one car, making them even less likely to come. DP hasn’t been invited to weddings before, and I’ve just gone with my parents and thought nothing of it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/11/2019 07:58

I'd also invite due to the distance and if they are together still at the wedding will have been so for s few months.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 08:00

@BeanBag7 this is exactly my point. We said as long as we have met her (even just his parents actually) and they are still together, then no issues. But any after this one won’t be getting an invite. He didn’t even offer for us to come to him to meet her at some point in the next 6 months.
He just point blank said he wasn’t coming if it was under stipulations.

OP posts:
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