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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite his new girlfriend to our wedding?

224 replies

Talkthirty2me · 11/11/2019 21:47

My DP’s brother got divorced a couple of years ago and since then he has had several failed relationships.
The first one of which came to stay with us for DS’s christening, which was fine but I felt it added stress having someone I didn’t know stay when I was trying to organise the christening and I felt the whole his parents meeting her for the first time overshadowed the fact it was DS’s christening. That only lasted about 6 months and then he got with another around Christmas time. He was due to spend Christmas with us and his parents at our house (he lives 200 miles away from us and his parents live abroad) but as he had got with her he chose not to come up and have Christmas with us, which upset his mum. Again they split.
We get married in 6 months and we haven’t invited a few partners if we haven’t met them, as space is limited and it’s around £70 a head. I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why. DP’s brother rang him to say he had seen my status and does this mean he hasn’t got a plus one (he’s been with this current one only a few weeks) DP said we would consider if we had the space, he is still with this current one and we have all met her prior to the wedding. He said to DP that he just won’t come then if she isn’t allowed in so many words and that we won’t get chance to meet her first as he has no work holidays . I can tell he’s upset about it and feel like saying well just invite her then but it’s almost like giving in to him.
Advice?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 12/11/2019 01:26

@Monty27 no it's not a given.

Budget, capacity of the venue, wanting close friends there rather than a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

No way would I cut out close friends in order to accommodate some new relationship that I'd never even met.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:28

@AhNowTed This is our point. Do we cut out my DP’s cousin who he grew up with as they are days apart to give room for the girlfriend? Or my elderly great auntie who only gets to catch up with all the family at these occasions? Hmm

OP posts:
DippyAvocado · 12/11/2019 01:29

Difficult as they've only been together a very short time but I do think I would invite a plus one. It is the groom's brother. If they were local I would say just add her for an evening invite but as they are far away it would be too far to come for just the evening. I would make it clear they couldn't stay at your house though.

I aren’t inviting my nephews +1’s and they’ve been together years purely cos I have only met them a couple of times

This I think is rude. Long-term partners should be invited.

Bluerussian · 12/11/2019 01:32

Invite her op, this girl could be The One for him.

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:32

@Dippy I honestly doubt they will come anyway. They’re 20 and too cool, and haven’t been to many family weddings of late. Obviously my step sister and her husband are going which is their mum and step dad so they won’t be alone. Sister said inviting their girlfriends would also mean they wouldn’t be able to come in one car making them even less likely to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:33

Again, I think I’ve just come to the conclusion I’m going to let this situation almost decide itself.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 12/11/2019 01:35

@Talkthirty2me no absolutely not.

Give up a close cousin for a new girlfriend who you don't even know? Not a chance.

To be honest I'm surprised he's even pushing for this.

And why would the girlfriend even want to go to a strangers wedding.

If it were me I'd be quite happy for him to go alone and I wouldn't be pushing for this at all.

Monty27 · 12/11/2019 01:36

Yes I guess. But it's your future bil?
To be fair it's your money and your guest list.
It's just that is it worth upsetting someone of that status about having to come without someone?
Stick to the guest list OP. To be honest it's your party Flowers
And congratulations. Have a great day Wine

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:38

@Bluerussian Possibly. Which is why we have said if they are still together closer to the time, providing we have been introduced - even by FaceTime(!) she can come, as the likelihood is we will have had ‘no’ RSVP’s by that time, creating a space for her which at the moment doesn’t exist.

OP posts:
MeTheCoolOne · 12/11/2019 01:43

I'd invite her and I wouldn't make it dependant on whether she meets you. They live along way away so it would be expensive and inconvenient for them to visit. I'm guessing you won't want to visit them.
If they come down before the wedding then everyone will already have met her before the big day so I can't see how she would steal the limelight (if that was ever a possibility)

What day of the week is your wedding?

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:47

@AhNowTed I wouldn’t either. Even now if DP was invited to a wedding from someone from his work or football team who I didn’t know, I wouldn’t be that bothered. In fact probably slightly relieved that I was being forced to go to a wedding where I didn’t know anyone.. not even the bride and groom! Different folks different strokes I guess.
It was the way he spoke to DP and said he would rather just not go at all than not have this girl he’s known 3 weeks at the wedding. Well in fact not even that as we said as long as it’s the same girl then she can come, so he actually just wants to bring any girl!

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:49

@MeTheCoolOne even if we don’t get to meet him face to face, I think saying as long as it’s the same girl in 6 months time is a fair comment?
It’s a Saturday but the Friday before is a bank holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:49

@Monty27 Thank you SmileFlowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:51

@MeTheCoolOne I just do not want another strange woman staying at my house prior to a big occasion yet again. We only have a 2 bed!

OP posts:
Monty27 · 12/11/2019 01:53

Oh so you're having to accommodate them too? Tell bil to book a room. Smile

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 01:54

@monty this is the thing. If I so much as suggest it they kick off. Before the christening at 5am we had them pissed up downstairs while I was upstairs trying to settle my 5 month old. They broke a chair and set off the hob!

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 12/11/2019 02:56

. 'I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why. DP’s brother rang him to say he had seen my status....'

Says it all really

G R I M

Original poster
Talkthirty2me · 12/11/2019 03:01

@MarthasGinYard Did your keyboard break so you have to post a space between every letter? Grin

OP posts:
CaptainCautious · 12/11/2019 03:05

I would let her come if they’re still together, but I’d expect them to pay for their own accommodation

MarthasGinYard · 12/11/2019 03:12

No Twas' completely intentional, and used for a little effect Shock

A little like your rudeness, I'm guessing.

yeahyh · 12/11/2019 04:36

Wedding threads are odd. I've seen a few recently by guests where the bride and groom have organised some expensive to get to wedding or destination wedding and the replies are all 'it's their day get over it'.
A bride posts and it's the opposite 'it's not all about you!'.

I wouldn't invite a plus 1 for him if I was missing out on other people I actually wanted to be there. Let him tantrum. I certainly wouldn't have anyone on my couch! Why would you agree to that?! That's why hotels exist.

yeahyh · 12/11/2019 04:37

What does it matter if he kicks off? Sounds like he's been controlling too much for too long. It's your house too, you have a say.

User3421090989098 · 12/11/2019 04:56

You’re being a bit precious, invite her it’s your partners brother not a work colleague. Nothing will overshadow your day!

WillLokireturn · 12/11/2019 05:20

Oh that's a difficult dilemna.
I hate going to weddings alone. He's DP's (only?) brother
I'm not a big fan of weddings but would go alone if It's been my dsis's and that had been my option.

It's a small wedding at 65 spaces, so if you +1 everyone that's a tight limit of 32 family and friends for both of you, to attend ceremony. She's very new in his life. It's a long way til May. I

I'd definitely do the wait and see, let it pan out, like you plan. Send his invite late and without +1 and say we will see nearer time.... but you could just do a +1 for evening for him as a compromise. You can't control what he decides to do but do invite those people important to you above his unknown +1.

Btw no one stays at yours on run up or night before wedding except a bridesmaid if they don't live local. That morning is special, busy and hounding need stress or want anyone you don't know (nor love deeply) camping out in your house getting in the way, nor do you want even his brother there!! It's your bloody wedding day! That's what b&bs are for.

Some of my cousins and even one of my bridesmaids (who had young family) travelled 100-200 miles on the morning of my wedding. My only Dsis stayed at the hotel (and I've happily shared a bed with her at other events.)

Russell19 · 12/11/2019 05:42

Evening invite only in my opinion. Tell BIL spaces are limited and it would be a case of not inviting an aunt etc. if you invited her who you don't even know. Make it clear she is welcome in the evening.

Also absolutely no way should they be staying over. If he 'kicks off' let your brother sort it but don't budge with it. Why should someone sleep on your sofa on your wedding night?!