To not invite his new girlfriend to our wedding?

[Talkthirty2me]

My DP’s brother got divorced a couple of years ago and since then he has had several failed relationships.
The first one of which came to stay with us for DS’s christening, which was fine but I felt it added stress having someone I didn’t know stay when I was trying to organise the christening and I felt the whole his parents meeting her for the first time overshadowed the fact it was DS’s christening. That only lasted about 6 months and then he got with another around Christmas time. He was due to spend Christmas with us and his parents at our house (he lives 200 miles away from us and his parents live abroad) but as he had got with her he chose not to come up and have Christmas with us, which upset his mum. Again they split.
We get married in 6 months and we haven’t invited a few partners if we haven’t met them, as space is limited and it’s around £70 a head. I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why. DP’s brother rang him to say he had seen my status and does this mean he hasn’t got a plus one (he’s been with this current one only a few weeks) DP said we would consider if we had the space, he is still with this current one and we have all met her prior to the wedding. He said to DP that he just won’t come then if she isn’t allowed in so many words and that we won’t get chance to meet her first as he has no work holidays . I can tell he’s upset about it and feel like saying well just invite her then but it’s almost like giving in to him.
Advice?

Tell him she can come if he pays 😂

@Musicalmistress it hand on heart actually wasn’t aimed at this situation. We just thought it would be a good idea to make people aware how limited we are in terms of spaces and I wanted all my friends and family to know if they only got a night invite I deeply wanted them there but there physically isn’t the room. It seemed easier to do that on Facebook collectively than to have to send individual messages.

@WorraLiberty I think it’s because with each of them they have always been the one and he ends up taking babies and marriage with them and practically moving them in. It’s moved on from dating quickly, it gets very serious.

@schafernaker that’s not a bad idea to be honest!!

“So why should we pay it for a total stranger”

Because your future husband’s brother gets a +1 invite to the wedding. And if you don’t give him one, it’s you who is going to be known as the asshole in their family.

I’m also betting that the groom doesn’t know and has met every single one of your guests and close friends.

I think the evening is fair enough rather than the full day. I’ll mention it to DP.

If you decide to invite her, decide in advance what you are going to do about the photographs.

My friend has a lovely family photo from her wedding day which she and her parents won’t display because her now ex sister in law is in it (in a white dress🙄).

the wedding will be the big meeting of them first being introduced to her and a lot of attention will be on her

And this is what your real issue is I think? You want all eyes on you. All eyes will be on you! Just be nice and invite BIL plus one. Up to him who he brings and he is your future BIL. Family overrules friends sometimes.

We invited DH's sister only. No plus one as it was a small wedding and they hadn't been together long. The reply came back with his name written on it and my FIL saying he would pay for him. Fine, didn't say much just let the day happen.
He's in most of our family pictures as he inserted himself there and he wore a full dress kilt in a different colour to the wedding party. Oh and he's wearing so much fake tan he looks like an Oompa Loompa.
They were engaged a month later and broke up about a month after that. I'd put my foot down OP. If she does come then don't let her muscle her way in to all your pictures.

I wouldn't invite her but invite her to the evening but.

is that if the family haven’t met her - the wedding will be the big meeting of them first being introduced to her and a lot of attention will be on her. As it was at the christening with the last bird.

Oh for goodness sake really?

How will you cope with the relatives who haven't seen each other for years? That might take some of your attention away from you too.

I'm sure you'll get plenty of attention.

We just thought it would be a good idea to make people aware how limited we are in terms of spaces and I wanted all my friends and family to know if they only got a night invite I deeply wanted them there but there physically isn’t the room.

I think this is such bullshit. You "deeply" want them there? Yeah, sure. Not deeply enough to cut your individual costs so you can invite more people but have a less fancy wedding. If you want a more fancy wedding that's fine, just don't lie to people about how much you want them there.

Or arrange a get together before the wedding so they've all met her?

The thing is also it’s around £70 per head as I say. I aren’t able to invite some of my good friends as they all either have a plus one or a family and we just can’t afford it. So why should we pay it for a total stranger?

^This. I wouldn’t invite her either OP.

Oh dear! Why did you choose such an expensive venue if you can’t invite everyone you’d like to?
The wedding isn’t all about you, it’s all about the pair of you! And it’s 6 months away!
Smacks of Bridezilla I’m afraid.

I never understand this people want a fancy wedding but ultimately they cut the guest list for it and dont extend the invitation to people partners so they have a nice venue instead surely a marriage is too people coming together but ultimately you're not accepting peoples partners. Completely baffling tbh. No way would I attend a wedding alone with my dh unless it was a colleagues.

This -

I posted on Facebook that I’m sorry if people only get a night invite and explained why.

This needlessly created the entire drama. Why oh why did you feel the need to post an apology?!

Your wedding is going to be celebrating the beginning of your marriage.

If people want to come and share in the joy of that love, wonderful! If not, peace. You honestly don’t need to justify or apologise for any of your decisions regarding your wedding.

Plus one is fair. And his choice.

(evening invite only?!)

Tell him you've given final numbers, she is welcome to the reception however if somebody drops out last minute (which is likely 3 did at my wedding 🤬) she will be first on the list to be bumped up??

We physically have 65 seats so unless people want to stand and eat their chicken dinner how can we invite them?!

I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it and offer him an additional invite for the evening they're 200 miles away!

I met my brothers girlfriend at my sisters wedding - she didn't make it about her at all. It was all about my sister. It does depend on the person I guess but it might not be like that

65 is the amount of seats that they have as I say. I would love everyone to be there that I could but there isn’t an endless number of seats, or pot or money.
It created no drama aside from this but the conversation would have been had whether I had posted on Facebook or not. The response was actually all positive of it’s your day and anyone worth an invite will understand. Friends we know who live hundreds of miles away saying they understand it they only get a night invite and will still come.

Your sustain for a woman you’ve never met is palpable through the use of the term ‘bird’ when referring to her.
And £70 for a chicken dinner!!!!!!

@QueenofallIsee I see your point but comparing her to the girl in Schindlers List is in poor taste. It was a wedding, not the holocaust. Maybe reconsider the reference. And before anyone jumps on me, I'm aware that the real girl in the red coat survived, having read her book. It's just a very poor comparison.

On top of it they are all likely to stay at our house meaning the days leading up to the wedding I’ll have a total stranger sleeping on my sofa. Very relaxing lead up