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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not allow my inlaws to stay at mine whilst we are on holiday

124 replies

forsale · 19/08/2007 00:13

they have hoards of crap and baggage and my house is for sale. We want to leave it in a presentable "showing" state so the agent can come and go as he pleases and not have to make arrangements. Dh, despite his objections will not actually tell his parents the answer is no. THey havent even asked me

OP posts:
flibertyplus2 · 19/08/2007 15:18

No way are you being unreasonable!

It's your home and no one has the right to stay there unless you want them to. Families are made up of lots of different people and they all need to make allowances for each other to get along. However, this doesn't mean you have to do something that makes you uncomfortable. The whole point of making a request is that there is more than one possible response i.e. yes or no. If you can't say no to them, it is a demand not a request and they are the ones being unreasonable. You shouldn't have to make excuses, be gracious about it but the fact that you don't like the idea should be enough.

Your DH does sound like he has a difficult relationship with his parents. It's much easier for them to blame you than admit they might be out of line. I have a similar problem and over the years we've found the only thing that works is to present a united front at all times.

They sound like nutters anyway

Blu · 19/08/2007 15:42

I agree with tissy and would be annoyed with DH. BUT you do use their car when they are away? I can see that from thier pov refusing them one night's accommodation looks like take without give.

Bit of give and take and tactful explanation of for sale circumstances would help ensure that one side of this was being as amicable as possible.

Original poster
forsale · 19/08/2007 15:44

they leavve their car here as they have no where else to leave it. It means we have to play musical cars as we have 2 here of our own

OP posts:
Blu · 19/08/2007 15:46

oh, ok.

Original poster
forsale · 19/08/2007 15:50

and we;ve never refused before despite not having spare bedroom.

natually he has told dh that "she's not getting her hands on my money when we're dead"

luckily for me I value decency above money

OP posts:
cocolepew · 19/08/2007 16:08

A few, well ok, 12 years ago,me and my DP(now DH) went away. FIL was decorating for us. MIL came into flat and re arranged everything. She re-washed silk jumpers drying in bathroom - all shrunk, moved the bedroom around including bed with pill very pointly left on pillow. Hot press, bathroom,kitchen, living room, nothing was safe, She even sorted through all my bank and house details and binned the ones she thought "not important." Bloody nightmare Sorry for any mistakes, I'm, a MN virgin.

Original poster
forsale · 19/08/2007 16:59

grr on your behalf coco are you in ireland/

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TinyGang · 19/08/2007 17:07

But.... they do mean well. And the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Forsale...huge sympathies - this sounds like it's all got blown out of proportion. It's your home. No is no. And there is a good reason for it too. They'll just have to get over it and dh will have to smooth things over. I would feel excatly the same as you do. Exactly.

katylui1 · 19/08/2007 18:18

YANBU BUT it sounds like you ARE letting it get into your marriage and it shouldn't. When you fell in love with him, was he good at standing up to them? Chances are, his relationship with them hasn't changed a jot, so you shouldn't expect it to.
My MIL & Step-Dad-in-Law did stay while we went away for no apparent reason. We were trying to sell our house and they thought it would be helpful if they were there to make it look 'homely'.
When we returned, she literally walked me round the house and talked me through all the good work she'd done...cleaned the oven (which was FILTHY apparently ), got rid of all the dead plants in the garden e.t.c...
BUT she didn't mention the drawer full of 'bedroom' toys (they are normally v.well hidden, but I put them in a prominent drawer for the occasion), the saucy book under my pillow, and the VERY rude handwritten notes the DP had left me in amongst my bills pile. I know she saw them as they were disturbed...she's never asked to come back though! Nothing like letting them know who's wearing the stockings!!! And they'll ALWAYS be more attractive than apron strings!

Carmenere · 19/08/2007 18:22

Coco, you are Irish aren't you? It is the 'hot press' that gives it away, it is not used in the UK. Welcome to mn

My dsis's mil once came into my dsis's house with a load of washed and ironed clothes that she had previously removed without asking her

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 19/08/2007 18:24

Hot Press Music magazine was it not.... ??

cocolepew · 19/08/2007 18:24

Hello forsale, yes I live in Northern Ireland How did you know that?

cocolepew · 19/08/2007 18:25

Ooohhh, what do you call it?

Wilkie · 19/08/2007 18:26

YANBU - although I have to say your H is. I would go mental if DH told my ILs that it was 'me' not being happy about it!!!!!!

Personally, I would ring them to clear the air and explain that DH had the wrong end of the stick. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the sale of the house.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 19/08/2007 18:28

Airing cupboard....

cocolepew · 19/08/2007 18:32

Both stupid names really , btw I don't think you're being unreasonable but they clearly are. My DH has always took my side with his mum,they don't get on, but she seems to think it's all a bed of roses and I'm the s*ite. but she's got skin like a rhino.

cocolepew · 19/08/2007 18:54

Thanks for the welcome Carmenere. I'm flitting all over the place trying to take it all in - off to SN's page.

Original poster
forsale · 19/08/2007 22:09

FIL has telephoned our house this evening and has spoken with dh. He tells him he should have stood up for his parents against me and they should stay. He maintains I have rode roughshod over them for years . He says their relationship is over and he will not be returning to England - oh and he will post his car keys through the letterbox ! Dh explained that its not just his home its ours too (ds, dd and me). He reminded them we have put them up many times despite not having a room for them and whilst it was ok when we're here its not the same when we're not plus the house is for sale. She enquired whether the Estate Agent has a key which dh explaiend of course he does but he will be showing prospeective purchasers around.

Dh is naturally upset that his relationship with them is over and so i feel the need to write to them to actually get my point across in a controlled manner (FIL will freak if I call), so I need some help. Obviously I dont want to throw my toys out of hte pram but I do want to get across the reasons why for the first time we have refused and also the only person they are hurting is dh - their only child.

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ZacharyQuack · 20/08/2007 05:59

Your FIL sounds like a complete tosspot.

TBH I'd leave it. Let them go on their holiday and stew about it for a while. Hopefully they'll realise that they're proposing to cut off all contact with their grandchildren over something so pathetic.

LazyLineLegilimens · 20/08/2007 08:04

They sound quite attention seeky to me. I would let them stew, don't let them have what they want.

beansprout · 20/08/2007 08:06

They sound like really unpleasant people. Fancy threatening to disown your son over a little thing like this. Shame on them.

bookwormtailmum · 20/08/2007 10:26

They sound like they're cutting their noses off to spite themselves but my xp parents are a bit like that when they didn't get their own way - not that they ever asked or would be allowed to stay in my house!

I think that you have to stand your ground as if you give way now, they'll walk all over you in future. It's a shame but I'm sure that they won't cut off contact from their gc over this. Let them sulk and they'll come to their senses oneday(or not). If you have to contact them, just be polite so you are the better person. Sounds like they were spoiling for a fight anyway and this just happened to be the next opportunity for them .

Original poster
forsale · 20/08/2007 11:07

they actually dont see the gc anyway. I think they have spent about 3 hours in total in our company since beginning of June - obviously the children have been off school since july so plenty of opportunity to see them if they had wanted to

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lizziemun · 20/08/2007 11:43

If your in-laws have decided that they are not having anything to do with you, why are they leaving their car keys .

They are just trying to make you and and your DH feel guilty because they can not get their own way.

If it was me i would be out when they come back so they have to wait to get their car keys.

Original poster
forsale · 20/08/2007 12:11

they live in spain they have a holiday home over here which they come back to periodically. what fil is saying is he wont now come back to the UK so unless dh goes out ot spain to visit he wont see him

he's leaving the car here because they have nowhere else to leave it - suits them more that it suits us.

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