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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not allow my inlaws to stay at mine whilst we are on holiday

124 replies

forsale · 19/08/2007 00:13

they have hoards of crap and baggage and my house is for sale. We want to leave it in a presentable "showing" state so the agent can come and go as he pleases and not have to make arrangements. Dh, despite his objections will not actually tell his parents the answer is no. THey havent even asked me

OP posts:
lizziemun · 20/08/2007 12:29

I'm sorry but he realy is being a pain in the but.

In that case get DH to tell his father to make alternative arangements for his car. As when your house sells you will have to have the car removed, to a car storage yard which you give the address for the bill to go to.

Blu · 20/08/2007 12:34

" Dear IL's , I am of course very sorry that you are upset, and am very sorry that we all seem to have arrived at a situation which would be very sad indeed for all of us and especially your gc.

You are of course always welcome at our house, and I hope have felt so on the many ocasions you have stayed with us. of course we have been happy to accomdate you for the convenience of your journeys to Spain, and on the visits you have made to see your gc. I only feel sorry that we have not got a spare room so that you would have been more comnfortable.

I hope you understand the reasons why this time we are in a more difficult situation, and worry that DH did not explain that it is circumstances not my attitude to your visits that made us question the possibility of using our house. As you knw, the house is for sale, and we are desparate that it be succefully sold because..blah blah. It is hard keeping the house 'shipshape' with the gc at home during school hols, so the agent suggested he make a special effort while we are out of the house on ho0liday. Since you only live 45 mins away, and would be in danger of being disturbed by viewers or else would have the pressure of leaving it in a 'house doctor' state, i assumed it would be simpoler all round if on this occasion you simpley went stratight to the airport,

I do hope you havd a safe and happy journey, and if we have the oopportuity i would be very happy to meet as soon as possible and talk about how we can ensure a happy family relationship. We look forward to welcoming you into our new home in due course.

Best wishes,

Forsale.

saltire · 20/08/2007 12:37

I've just seen this thread, and I have to say forsale, your thread title made me break out in a sweat - god the thought of MIL here when I'm not.

I also think you are pefectly within your rights to say no, and as an aside, make sure your estate agent knows not to give them the keys! Just in case they turn up anyway and try and get in

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 12:43

Tell them you sold it.

Then afterwards say the sale fell through.

fruitful · 20/08/2007 14:01

They are emotionally blackmailing your dh. I bet if he says "oh ok, bye then" in an unconcerned way they will sulk for a bit and come running back. They're behaving like 2-year-olds in a tantrum and could probably do with being ignored.

Why are they leaving the car at your house if they're not coming back, anyway? Why don't you take it back to their house and post the keys to Spain?

sarahloumadam · 20/08/2007 14:23

YANBU! They are behaving very badly indeed. I do feel cross for you and sorry for your DH too. My DH has a similar relationship with his parents - he is not a wimp but he has survived by never rocking the boat too much and it has proved to be a hard habit to break. I think a grown-up letter is a good idea. Perhaps write one first saying what you would really like to say (for therapy!) then destroy and write a polite alternative - without taking any s**t! Good luck.

forsale · 20/08/2007 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AngharadGoldenhand · 20/08/2007 16:29

Delete that post and repost minus the address?

Original poster
forsale · 20/08/2007 16:31

ihave already emailed mnhq and desperately tryhing to find peopel with numnbers vicky and fio are onto i thin
thanks

OP posts:
AngharadGoldenhand · 20/08/2007 16:38

I think you need to make the letter more palatable to them. It's clear and gets your points across well, but is a little astringent.

Could you add in things like, 'while we've always been delighted to put you up ..' and 'we're shocked and saddened to realise that Ken believes x (ie, you) is waiting to have his money..'

Letter needs to come from both of you and sometimes you've just put I.

Original poster
forsale · 20/08/2007 16:39

i cant seem to write a "nice" letter - they all sound sour
but thanks for your vcomments

OP posts:
constancereader · 20/08/2007 16:43

Agree with AGH. It is a little upfront. I hasten to add, on reading the entire thread, it seems entirely justified though. The one thing I have learned from encounters like these is that however right you are, the other side tends not to see it like that. Infuritating though it is, I would go a little bit more gently, especially in a letter.

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/08/2007 16:45

If you want to mend bridges, go with Blu's letter.

Yours won't do that at all.

Do you want to mend bridges, or just get things off your chest?

SaintGeorge · 20/08/2007 16:49

Repost of 16:26:04 post, without the address:

Dear Ken and Margaret

David and I have discussed the events of yesterday and I can say we are both honestly shocked by your reaction to what was a simple request.

As you are aware our house is currently on the market and given the time of year and the state of the market at the moment we have to be extremely flexible in order to get as many people through our door as possible in order to successfully achieve a sale. David and I pre-empted your request to stay and had already discussed it, deciding that for the reason stated above we were not able to accommodate you on this occasion. Naturally if the house wasn?t on the market we would have accommodated you as we have on previous occasions despite not having a guest bedroom. I feel that you often put David on the spot when making these requests as you are aware that he doesn?t like to say no to you. This doesn?t make him a bad son and threatening to not come back to the UK or visit him again is extreme in our opinion. Obviously during your current stay you haven?t visited very much in any event and often it has been on the way to/from somewhere else and hasn?t lasted in excess of an hour.

I understand you feel I have never liked you ? this is utter rubbish. I will say that I don?t agree with some of your tactics but your relationship with your son is nothing to do with me and I have never got in the way of you visiting or him visiting you. In fact if you cast your mind back I have specifically said to you that I think he should visit you more and have suggested you ask him to stay over with you for a weekend when you are in this country. This was met by you wanting to know why I wanted to get rid of him. Incidentally you didn?t ask him to stay with you.

As for Ken?s comments that I won?t get my hands on your money it just goes to show that you actually don?t know me very well at all. I am not interested in your money at all and never have been. As for not using your car, that too is fine. I assume you will remove me from your car insurance and if you insist on leaving it at our house then please park it on the road so I don?t have to play musical cars.

Moving onto Ken?s conversation with David last night, I have to say that your contention that David should take your side is just plain strange. He will take whoever?s side he agrees with and just because you are his parents doesn?t automatically make you correct. The same applies to me being his wife. In this instance we agree that the house needs to remain as we have left it. I would suggest that once in a while you actually speak to him to find out how he feels and what he wants. He hasn?t lived with you for many years now and his priorities, like all of us, have shifted. I would recommend getting to know him again.

.

That said the problem remains that you are unable to stay at our home on the night before your flight back home but prior to your arrival yesterday David and I had discussed paying for your stay in the Travelodge on the A45 which is not too far from the airport. He was clearly shocked by your outburst and didn?t mention it and obviously you weren?t hanging around after you were disappointed but the offer remains if you wish to stay close to the airport on the Wednesday night before your 10.30am flight then let us know and we will book it.

I hope you consider the contents of this letter now that you are calmer and if we don?t see you before you go back home then we I wish you a safe journey.

ok - thoughts please. I think possibly a bit personal but also quite relevant

SaintGeorge · 20/08/2007 16:49

Have called Carrie, she will be deleting it very soon.

Ta Carrie

Original poster
forsale · 20/08/2007 16:51

thanks stg fio and vvqv

OP posts:
Original poster
forsale · 20/08/2007 16:53

phew thanks carrie

OP posts:
SaintGeorge · 20/08/2007 16:56

I'm liking the new 'deleted messages' with reasons. Much better.

sarahloumadam · 20/08/2007 18:18

Think is too soon for you to write an entirely calm letter - whilst I think you are justified I think this will just fuel their fire and they will miss the points that you are trying to put across. GRRRRRR v.maddening situation . How do you think they would react to this letter? What would be the best, most realistic outcome for you and DH?

oranges · 20/08/2007 18:25

can i offer a different suggestion? don't post the letter, go off on holiday, then come back and just be very determindly cheery and make no mention of what happened. Something very similar happened with my in laws last year, and each time we tried to 'resolve' it, it got worse, so we ended up basically avoiding them for a few months, with just the occassional quick, cheerful phonecall and flying visit. It somehow all settled down.

hertsnessex · 20/08/2007 18:26

fab letter.

cx

Original poster
forsale · 20/08/2007 18:37

i think MIL will be surprised by it and after showing it to a few people i think she will consider the fact that they are in fact cmore interested in ownership of dh and all things he owns rather than a proper relationship. To make this situation worse, I think she has always felt threatened by me and she tries her best to appear innocent whilst at the same time being manipulative. FIL on the other hand is very hot headed and cannot keep his trap shut for love nor money he will be livid and be telling all and sundry that I am a stupid paddy bitch probably and that i trapped his son

OP posts:
Cammelia · 20/08/2007 18:41

Agree with oranges. No good will come of sending the letter. People don't tend to respond to criticism by saying "yes you're right, we're awful, thanks for letting us know we're such pains"

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/08/2007 18:44

I doubt she will reconsider.

She'll feel even more aggrieved.

If you want to send that version, then you should show your dh first, because it will not make his relationship with his parents any easier.

ScummyMummy · 20/08/2007 19:04

If you want to make up in the near future don't send the letter. It's too formal and details their flaws in a way that they will react to v defensively unless they are pretty insightful and laid back people (evidence for this going by this thread NIL). It's a very good letter if the message you want to send is: you guys are being unreasonable tossers and here is why and I can see how such a letter would be tempting!

If you want to open up a possibility of making up, send a card saying something like:

Dear K & M,

I'm so sorry that we've fallen out. That's the last thing I wanted to happen. It feels like a big horrible misunderstanding and I really hope we can sort it out.

Lots of love,

forsale.