to not allow my inlaws to stay at mine whilst we are on holiday

[forsale]

they have hoards of crap and baggage and my house is for sale. We want to leave it in a presentable "showing" state so the agent can come and go as he pleases and not have to make arrangements. Dh, despite his objections will not actually tell his parents the answer is no. THey havent even asked me

I've come to this thread just now so having read your letter 'cold' I would not send it if I were you. Least said soonest mended.

So I think your letter (if you still want to send one) should stick to one subject - why your inlaws can't stay over this time round - explaining why this is not convenient and ending in an upbeat, friendly, matter of fact way.

I'd not mention the inheritance, your inlaws not bothering to visit you much when they are in England, their lack of understanding about their son etc.

The travelodge offer, though a nice thought could sound (wrongly I know) patronising and fan the flames. (Incidently, do they have money worries?) Likewise the hope that they consider the contents of the letter now they are calmer. People don't like to be asked to calm down if they are feeling hurt IME, even if they are being unreasonable.

On the surface, I don't think it was unreasonable of you to refuse to have them to stay. The 45 min drive, estate agent situation are really good practical reasons for refusing their request. But I also think you probably knew that refusing them would create friction. I think this letter creates more friction, but is this sort of what you want, really? You sound like you feel quite combative at the moment and want things out in the open.

It seems that in their eyes they have an emotional stake in your home, because you are family. So I can understand why you could recoil from that.

Is this feeling somehow tied up with them leaving the UK to live in Spain? Do they need to feel extra sure they have an open invitation to your home? It seems to me they feel insecure in some way and when you are rejecting them, even if it is on the surface for nothing much, they take it very badly.

I am guessing. It's futile of me to keep making assumptions, so I will stop and see what others have to say.

go on hoilday, send them a postcard. Se if they have calmed down by the time you come back.

Um, is there a problem with them going off and not talking to you anymore?

How about

"Dear Mum & Dad,

I am shocked and saddened by your rudeness to dw and by your manipulative behaviour. We would like an apology.

Please don't leave your car here when you go to Spain as it would be inconvenient.

Love David"

Then run off on holiday, leaving your mobile phones behind.

The ball is then in their court and if they choose to sulk you'll get some peace. Don't get into a slanging match - if you start discussing specifics it'll go on for ever.

Sorry would say YABU. They are your dhs parents.

Maybe think about what you would want your kids to do in the same situation.

Don't mean to sound rude, just way I see it.

i value all contributions thanks

tigermoth - I think you are right I feel that as I didnt get a chance to speak for myself yestyerday I thought I shouod get it on to paper. I think it possibly is left forgotten although I do thank you all for your ideas and contributions

niceglasses - I wouldnt want to put my children in this position and if i did ever have to ask i would expect me to tell it as it is from their collective point of view. I certainly wouldnt expect them to enter into arguments and disinheriting on my behalf -0 but thats the way Ive been brought up.

Forsale - defo use the letter as therapy. I do a lot of writing therapy if someone upsets me and I can't get out what I want to say. I shout, scream and swear in my letters then calmly tear them up, chuck in the bin and forget it.

Works a treat.

I agree with going on holiday before doing anything. Your letter is very angry in tone and will do nothing to help (unless you are simply and purely after getting your feelings off your chest).

I think you need some relaxed time with your DH to discuss what HE wants out of all this. They are the only parents he's ever going to have. He needs to be given the time and space to think, and to not be placed as piggy in the middle with any further actions just now.

In the future too I think you need to be more assertive. You obviously felt you just didn't want them in your house, reading back to the OP and your early posts; that's your prerogative, as you say, you're territorial and some people are like that. But I think you need to be honest about it rather than dress it up as "because the house is for sale". Just be clear what you and DH will accept from them and what you won't, then it's easier all round.

Well yes their reaction is OTT and you are right to feel hurt they didn't ask you.

Still, I don't think its an unreasonable request of a parent, but you sound like there is a lot going on and I wouldn't like to upset you further. Far from it. Hope it gets smoothed out.

I think your letter although brilliantly written is too formal-a case of giving them too much information. I agree with other posters who have made some short and sweet suggestions.

I put off writing an awkward letter to a friend recently-drafted it in my head for weeks-ended up just doing one tiny A5? sheet off the top of my head-kept it very non specific and short-waiting for the reply...

I think it is up to your husband to do something here if anything.

I get the feeling that you will not be crying yourself asleep at night if you never see them again!!?

He should remind them that if they are not willing to accept an answer to a question they should not ask the it.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck and a happy holiday far, far away from them .

yes wrting a letter withthe expres intention of meaning it and sending it, is a wonderful tool. Done it loads of time mylef, then slept on it and thought after, yep i do feel those things but my anger has subsided.

I guess they just feel affronted becuase they just assumed they would be able to stay becuase they have in the past.

Seems like there is alot of stuff going on in the undercurrent tho? Stuff thats built up on both sides?

TBh, husbands that have strong mothers can sometimes be a bit crap at sticking up for what they belive, let alone what we believe to boot!

Hope it sorts it self out for you.

Your situation sounds a little like mine, in that it involves a husband that won't stand up to his tantrum-throwing parents and would much rather that I took the cr@p rather than him. My ILs also think I stole their little boy and see it as a major betrayal if there's a hint that DH might put me first (he never does because he's scared of them.) After their last hissy fit (in 2000, in front of 13month old DD1, them shouting lots of abuse, storming out and then making "crank phone calls" a few days later), I had to write a letter explaining myself and I know now that it was the wrong thing to do- when people are being unreasonable (like your ILs are) you are the last person to have to explain yourself, especially after reading what your FIL said in his phone call.
Despite your DH muddying the waters by saying that it's you that doesn't want them there, at the end of the day, you've said no. That should be the end of the matter and no explanation is needed. It's the old-"No is a sentence". So I'd tear up that letter, go on holiday (while you're away discuss what relationship your DH wants with his parents), and then take it from there. If he doesn't want contact with them for the moment, wait for them to contact you and apologise (and then you've got the opportunity to explain again your point of view with the house being up for sale etc), but if he does want contact with them (and I'd make sure he waits a bit before he visits them rather than him going and visiting soon, as it then looks like he's trying to please them), you have to decide whether you want to see them.
I actually think this is a time to show your ILs that you and your DH are a team. Your DH also needs to stop making you the bad guy. He's not a little boy anymore and has got to start defending you and your child/ren. You are his family now.

actually dh is adopted and is in touch with his birthmum - another reason he doesnt want them here when we;re not - MIL will go snooping and BMIL is likely to phone to wish me a happy birthday even though we're away. Naturally he cant say this to them

ah, so even more reason that u feel pissed off with dh, becuase these are things he is hiding from him adoptive parents, but u have carried the blame for the not wanting them there, for him.

i genuinely dont mind copping the fallout from them but am disappointed they are willing to forego their relationship with dh because of it. Sobernow you are right they know nothing of his birthmum so i fear you are right it would kill them or they would kill him - not sure which.

rightly or not maybe that's why they r extra protective of him, and sensitive to being ousted from his adoration, becuae unconsciously they nkow she could be back in his life at some point?

he is not ousting them from his adoration though - we've simply said no. They;re now trying ot make him suffer for it. Seems weird to me if they're worried about him finding his bm surely they would be tripping over themselves to please him

The secet contact your dh has with his birthmother is yet another reason why it's a bad idea for your inlaws to stay alone at your home.

It really sounds like they are insecure about where they stand with you both. Perhaps it's how it's always been, long before you came on the scene and you have replaced the birthmother as an interloper. You are getting the fallout from this. They may even suspect that your dh has some contact with his birthmother and that's why they want to keep close tabs on his home life and get so affronted if he ever keeps them at arms length.

I agree with others about talking to your dh on holiday and presenting a united front on your return.

I think it's a wise move not to send the letter. Anyway, you'll have a natural opportunity to write to them soon. Send them a postcard when you are on holiay with an upbeat, united front type of message - perhaps asking them round for a meal when you get back.

I think you've accepted all comments really graciously on this thread btw - I was worried my previous message sounded a bit harsh!

i think there have been a lot of really constructive comments on here and its made me look at some things differently. Naturally as I had been bitched about in front of my dh and ds and branded all kinds of horror apparently, I did feel aggrieved but do not want to turn into the hot headed fool my FIL is. They have actually never liked me and only appear to for the sake of looking innocent in their son's eyes. Interesting point you make Tigermoth that she may see me as an interloper and needs to keep tabs on him. I think this possibly is spot on.

It has been quite theraputic to discuss this with intelligent people already and i feel it has taken the edge off me needing to send a letter. I will take your advice and simply send a nice postcard from hols and then the ball is firmly in their court.

Hope you have a good holiday and get a chance to talk this through with your dh. You can have fun together picking an appropriate postcard scene

I wonder how many of us have had a similar if less dramatic scenario? The powerful mother figure who doesn't feel any woman is good enough for her son, and the son who will do ANYTHING rather than rock the family boat?

My DH came from a similar family. Ostensibly all was sweetness and light. But you didn't have to look far to see the whole family (DH, his SAH older brother and his father) all swing in a synchronised orbit around MOTHER, dancing attendance to her every whim. God help anyone who challenged it! It came home to me when one Xmas, poss 3 yrs into our relationship, MIL (to-be) presented DH, his brother and ME with IDENTICAL shorts'n'T shirt sets! P. family uniform! And the OFFENCE when I suggested I'd try mine on later, not now as demanded! When DH and I announced our engagement- the thrill I was going to join their family! NO, DH and I are going to form OUR OWN family!

Eventually, I too had to force DH to stand up to his family, I was sick of being painted as the bad guy and, frankly I was sick of DH's lily-livered approach to the whole shenanigan. I had to threaten never to go weekend visiting his family again with him if he did not make ABSOLUTELY CLEAR shortly after our arrival when we would be leaving and that that might not be at 9pm on Sunday evening, with a 3 hour drive and work tomorrow for us, ahead! Actually, I enjoyed those visits more when we did put our foot down and arrive mid morning on Saturday and leave mid evening Sunday instead of having the family glance disapprovingly at their watches at 8.05pm on Friday evening as we drew in, mentally calculating where we'd lost 5 mins as OBVIOUSLY we should have come STRAIGHT from work! If they visited US, they'd be there, sitting like the 3 monkeys on our couch as I walked in, knackered after a long week at work.

Sorry, this is turning into MY rant, isn't it? My DH did finally have it out with MIL when our DS1 was 3 weeks old and our family were under enormous strain. I was desperately trying to overhear what was being said but I had a whingy babe in arms so daren't get to eaves-droppy! I did hear the wildest, most spurious accusations being levelled against me, though! AND I heard my DH politely but firmly putting her straight and supporting me. Hooray.

There remains one element of fallout- dissent, let alone teenaged rebellion was crushed in his family home thus DH basically has little tolerance and no coping skills when our DSs, 6 and 8, play up. He has few memories of childhood and cannot empathise with loss of control antics from a child.

Fortunately (but only for ME I must, must stress), both my ILs have passed away. Otherwise there'd be NO WAY on EARTH DH and I could have emigrated to the UK (from Oz) to be near my mother! Who can also be a bit of a harridan.....

dh telephoned his mum this evening and she was very frosty, didnt ask how his interview went or anything. Simply answered yes/no where appropriate but finished with "we'll leave the car on the drive"

Dh is understandably quite upset by it.

dd (14)is thinking of ringing her grandparents and saying they are behaving rather childishly