Would it matter less if I died?

[ladybee28]

Bracing myself a bit for a backlash on this, but...

I've heard a number of comments over recent months, exclusively from people who have children, that have left me feeling a bit weird, and I'm trying to untangle my logic from my feelings.

A few weeks ago a well-known musician died, and in telling me about it, my DP (who has a son) added to the story: "He had two kids and everything", shaking his head.

Then this morning a friend was talking about someone she knows who's been diagnosed with brain cancer – and then added extra qualification to the story by saying: "He's got kids, too." (He also has a wife he's been with since he was 15, and three sisters, and parents - but they don't get a mention)

Similar situations have popped up multiple times when people have passed away recently, where the fact that they were parents seemed to be added on to the story as an extra layer of sadness.

It feels like the reversal of their comments would be if a person without children died, they'd sit there and say: "Well, it could be worse - at least they didn't have kids."

And while I KNOW it's awful to lose a parent, and I can't imagine what that must be like for the children in question, it still makes me look at my friend, and my DP, and wonder: on some level, do they think it would matter less if I died, because I don't have children?

Is my life less valuable / important in their eyes because I've chosen not to be a mother?

AIBU to feel a bit weird about this, even though I know that's not explicitly what they mean?

I'd particularly like to hear from people who would probably say something like that, and understand more about where they're coming from – feels easier to have this conversation here with you all than bring it up with people IRL

They're not saying it as a measure of that person's overall value, but as a measure of their value to their own children. So if fred bloggs dies, it matters the same amount to me, you, your dh etc, but his value is so much more to his own children - if he has children. So it's not "extra sad" in general, it's just extra sad for the kids (if there are kids).

Your way overthinking.
It would just mean you didn’t have children to leave motherless and heartbroken..

What a weird thought.

I think you need to work on your self worth a bit

I think weird shit sometimes it's part of OCD maybe you are experiencing it x

It is a bit of a weird thought... It's no "better or worse" if someone dies with no kids.
It's the sheer fact that kids rely on their parents, that it's "normal" for children to have parents in whatever shape or form the family is.
It's not suggesting they have more value as parents. But they have children dependent upon them that are being denied a parent by the death.

I'm surprised at your post OP

What a horrible post.

Do people actually think like this?

Its horrendous for a child to lose a parent. It has absolutely nothing to do with the value of your life because you haven't got kids.

I would say something like that because as a parent your worst fear apart from something happening to them is you dying and leaving them helpless and in pain. So it's not saying 'they're dead and they're worth more because of their kids' but 'they're dead and their worst fear came true too.'

You're overthinking this.

I would say this, more as in (especially if they had young children) how it would feel for them, so actually the opposite of what you're saying. I think first of the children left behind, then of the deceased. I know we are all someones daughter/sister/friend etc and every life is important to someone, but I wont pretend that when I read of a mother dying and leaving behind a newborn etc I dont feel really sad. Oh I dunno, probably didn't explain myself properly

Also, presumably as you are posting this you are still alive?

Well if I were you I'd be ever so grateful for that and stop fretting over ridiculous petty things.

I'll be brutal here. I think you don't understand because you are not a parent. If you had children you would understand how awful it would be for them to be left alone. Sorry if that offends.

It feels like the reversal of their comments would be if a person without children died, they'd sit there and say: "Well, it could be worse - at least they didn't have kids."

I didn't actually see anything too wrong with that comment... Sorry OP.

It's not that the person's value is less if they don't have kids, it's that children who have to grieve their parents is sadder (for me) than adults grieving their friends and relatives.

My best friend died of cancer when she was 24 and I often think that it's partly sad she didn't have kids because I'd have loved to be able to see that bit of her left, and stay in touch with her through them, but partly relieved that she didn't leave behind little kids.

What really shocked me is when I was telling one of my friends about it, who didn't know her, she looked at a picture of her and said "Oh that's even worse, she was really beautiful too!"
I thought similar to what you've said, would it be less sad if she was fat and ugly?!

I think you're over thinking as well. It's not that your death wouldn't be as important or your life less valuable. But come on, a child losing a parent is pretty damn awful.

I know a woman dying of cervical cancer who had two kids, one a teenager and one primary school age.

Her value as a human being isn't more because she has kids, it is that people can feel the pain of her kid's and empathise with them. Who likes to think of a little girl growing up without a mum?

The parent child relationship especially when they are younger is significantly different from a spousal one. My children depend on me in a way my husband doesn’t. My mother passed away recently and my grief even as an adult was quite overwhelming. I think a parent losing a child is also very traumatic and we don’t have a word for it really (we have orphaned or mother/father less and widowed etc) because it is so far out of the natural order. Love and grief comes in many forms though and there is no point in ranking it.

And you could actually say it about anyone who dies. Comments you hear regularly are. "They were so young" would it not matter if they were old then? "They just got married" would it not matter if a single person died" or "they had a promising future" would it not matter if average Joe died? For some reason this is sticking in your mind, but if you think about it, it could be applied to everyone.

I think losing a parent can ruin a life.

Kids need their parents, when small especially but realistically they need them right up until they are established in adulthood to maximise their chances of a stable, settled life.

It's really not about you. It's not an attempt to measure your value.

Sorry I never thought I'd be the type to say this but you just don't understand until you've had them how much you feel their pain and how much worse it is than your own pain. I have obviously always wanted to avoid dying but now the thought of dying and leaving my babies alone without me - it's fucking unbearable.

I understand exactly what you mean, OP - it can feel as though someone's extraneous value comes from those who depend on them, and that, as a result, their death is considered to have more impact.

Fwiw, I don't think anyone actually means it like that-it's more that they are acknowledging the extra layers to an early death, rather than adding a comment about your worth. But I do understand what you mean, and I think some other posters have been unnecessarily harsh

yabu and need to get over yourself.

I think if someone leaves behind dependants who rely on them to provide all of their emotional and practical needs then that is more sad and difficult to come to terms with than someone who does not have young dependents. I have thought about whether it would be worse to lose a child (eg car accident/cancer) or to think of my child growing up without me from a very young age if I were to die now. I guess the child would probably be fine really but the impact of ones mother dying when one is young is potentially huge and much worse than losing an adult partner, sibling or friend imo.

I took the comments to mean that the people that died had dependents - children in particular in the cases mentioned, but it could equally have been an ailing mother or disabled brother who relied on them. So it's the vulnerability of those left behind rather than them being children per se.

I must say though that I don't like it when people make 'as a parent ...' fellow-feeling comments which imply they've got some special insight that can not be matched by the imaginative empathy of those without children.

A friend of mine died of leukaemia, early 40s, 4 DC, and she fought like a tiger not to leave her children. They are all devastated, still are 2 years on.

You can't explain to a small child why mum has gone away and isn't coming back. It's a tragedy for all concerned.

It doesn't make anyone's life worth less than another, just because they have no children. It's just a little easier knowing there are no heartbroken children left behind.

It's empathy for the children, not a judgement on their life's value versus yours.

Losing a parent in childhood must be horrific and as someone diagnosed with cancer with very young children, I get it. I was devastated that my children might be motherless more than for me. I was very lucky and got the all clear but even now, although I've been cancer free for years, I occasionally think that at least if I died now, my boys are nearing adulthood and I know they would cope.

Aw come on, you can't be serious! I think you need to grow up.