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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would it matter less if I died?

200 replies

ladybee28 · 07/11/2019 20:54

Bracing myself a bit for a backlash on this, but...

I've heard a number of comments over recent months, exclusively from people who have children, that have left me feeling a bit weird, and I'm trying to untangle my logic from my feelings.

A few weeks ago a well-known musician died, and in telling me about it, my DP (who has a son) added to the story: "He had two kids and everything", shaking his head.

Then this morning a friend was talking about someone she knows who's been diagnosed with brain cancer – and then added extra qualification to the story by saying: "He's got kids, too." (He also has a wife he's been with since he was 15, and three sisters, and parents - but they don't get a mention)

Similar situations have popped up multiple times when people have passed away recently, where the fact that they were parents seemed to be added on to the story as an extra layer of sadness.

It feels like the reversal of their comments would be if a person without children died, they'd sit there and say: "Well, it could be worse - at least they didn't have kids."

And while I KNOW it's awful to lose a parent, and I can't imagine what that must be like for the children in question, it still makes me look at my friend, and my DP, and wonder: on some level, do they think it would matter less if I died, because I don't have children?

Is my life less valuable / important in their eyes because I've chosen not to be a mother?

AIBU to feel a bit weird about this, even though I know that's not explicitly what they mean?

I'd particularly like to hear from people who would probably say something like that, and understand more about where they're coming from – feels easier to have this conversation here with you all than bring it up with people IRL Smile

OP posts:
PeopleWhoRun · 07/11/2019 22:20

@TatianaLarina Flowers

EustaciaPieface · 07/11/2019 22:21

I don’t have kids, don’t have a maternal bone in my body but I still think that way when someone with young kids die. I know how I would have felt as a small child if I’d lost a parent and it’s just empathy with that situation.

Praiseyou · 07/11/2019 22:23

I understand what you mean OP.

It's like when somebody is talking about a childless couple and say "they don't have any family" - I know the person means they don't have kids but it sounds like they don't have ANY family, no parents, no siblings, like they don't matter to anyone.

TatianaLarina · 07/11/2019 22:24

@PeopleWhoRun

Aw thanks - unexpected. Brought a tear to me eye. x

Kittenbittenmitten · 07/11/2019 22:24

Of course it wouldn't matter less if you died. It's a bit odd you've come to that conclusion. Your parents, siblings and friends would be devastated like the parents, siblings and friends of the hypothetical parent would be. They're not worth more than you but leaving young children mother or fatherless does add an extra layer of tragedy. Those people are simply acknowledging how awfully hard it's going to be for the children. The departed parent doesn't get to see their child grow up either. It's horrendous to lose a parent prematurely.

MorrisZapp · 07/11/2019 22:25

Have you read Robert Webbs book? He lost his mother when he was a teenager. It was heartbreaking to read, but the kicker for me was when his stepdad asked to be paid back for his 18th birthday party. I just can't imagine being so alone so young.

Hey1256 · 07/11/2019 22:26

I do agree in some ways OP that people see less value in the lives of people that don't have kids.

I don't have kids either but I do see their logic when they say it. I am dependent on me and only me, so if I'm gone it will cause sadness to others but that's about it. I'm not showing someone else their way in life - for a child to lose a parent literally is one of the worse things that can happen to a human being so it makes some sense that people value the life of a parent in some ways as more important when lost.

Sorry to sound blunt but that's coming from someone without kids!

OneTwoThreeDoeRayMe · 07/11/2019 22:27

My friend's sister died last year, leaving behind a 6YO and and 8YO.

Everyone was devastated by her death.

But the people most profoundly impacted by it were her two young children.

They're left without a mother. Everyone else can grieve, have an awful hole left, miss her terribly and perhaps never truly get over it.

But no-one will be impacted by her death in the same way as her young children, who've been left without a mother.

I am terrified of dying - not because I'm scared of dying per se. But because of the impact it would have on my beloved DC.

If DH died - I'd be devastated. But it wouldn't be anything compared with what my DC would go through.

These comments aren't a reflection on you, or your worth.

They're purely a reflection on what it means to lose a parent as a young child.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 07/11/2019 22:28

Yes, it would matter less if you didn't have children! Can you imagine being a dying parent knowing that you will be separated from your children, never see them grow up, not be there for them, worry about who will be there for them and look after them and know that they will be left devastated. I mean, for goodness sake, get some empathy here! It's not about your worth as an individual, it's about the impact that your death would have.

Hey1256 · 07/11/2019 22:29

I think you are taking it far too personally OP and you are being sensitive and not Applying logic to this.

I think perhaps it sounds like underlying confidence or self esteem or something. No offence but that's how it comes across for you to take the comments so personally

ChileConCarne · 07/11/2019 22:32

But surely it’s more tragic when someone dies and leaves behind a couple of kids who will grieve for them for years (forever), have to grow up without a mum and have it maybe impact their entire life.
If I die it will be hugely tragic to my husband and mum, but no one is actually depending on me to raise them, so logistically it’s an easier death.
Or am I just a psycho? 🤷🏼‍♀️

orangeteal · 07/11/2019 22:35

I'm assuming the children were still child age? So they've lost one of their carers, it doesn't put more value on someone's life to have a child but it does make a death more challenging when they have a dependent of some sort, that can't be difficult to see surely?

Of course it's more shocking if young children lose one of their parents. No different than being more shocked if a 30 year old dies over an 80 year old, it doesn't mean the 80 year old is "worth less" but it's sadder that the 30 year old lost so many years of life, it's all measurable in some way. And most parents would be hugely mindful of this, we all compare to our own experiences and for most parents this would be a huge worry of sorts so bound to come up in a train of thought.

littlehappyhippo · 07/11/2019 22:36

I get ya @ladybee28 It seems kinda harsh towards folk with no kids. But I don't think they mean it the way you think........

It's like, the other week, a very pretty redhead went missing, (in Cambodia,) and ended up being found dead (drowned.) Several people I know said 'what a shame, she was such a pretty girl...'

Even though they meant no harm, I instantly thought 'ahh, so it would have been a bit better if she had not been pretty then? Are physically unattractive people not as worthy of living then???'

They meant no harm though. When people say 'it's sad coz she had kids,' (when a mother of school age children dies;) it's not meaning that it would be LESS sad if she were child free; moreso that it's sad that the kids have to grow up without their mother now.

I felt this when Jade Goody died. Sad for her kids left behind.

However I also felt very sad when Mel died from Mel & Kim in the early 1990s, when Amy Winehouse, George Michael, Cory Monteith, and many others died (prematurely,) recently. And THEY had no kids. So it doesn't mean you're less worthy than someone who had kids. I think people just feel sorry for the children left behind with no mother... Even if they have a dad.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 07/11/2019 22:37

Yes, agreeing with the majority here. Our DCs were 4 and 18 months when DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and 7 and just turned 5 when he died. Worst moment of my life is a toss-up between watching DH die and telling my children their beloved daddy was dead.

They need him. It’s an absolute outrage he can’t be here bringing them up with me. What they miss - and what DH is missing as they grow up - breaks my heart anew at every milestone.

Tbh I don’t even understand why you are thinking about this if you don’t have to. You matter. You totally matter. You’re just not going to leave a devastated child behind.

Caroline88h · 07/11/2019 22:42

It's about the fact children don't deserve to loose parents at such a young age and it's heart breaking for them. It's another dimension. This speaks to parents and it's something that I'm guessing a lot of people with kids would say as its a worry I assume all parents have. You want to be there to see them grow up and see them thrive and enjoy life. Its not saying if you don't have children your life is less valuable. It's just for many children their world or a massive part of their world is the relationship they have with their parents.

BitOfFun · 07/11/2019 22:44

It’s just because it’s a horrendous thought to leave little children motherless- nobody wants to put them through that loss, even if you can’t help it.

One of the things I comfort myself with (since getting a stage 4 cancer diagnosis a year ago) is that I’ve raised my children to adulthood. I know it will be hard for them, but I’m not abandoning them to the vagaries of foster homes etc.

My life isn’t worth more than yours, and it wouldn’t be even if I had little babies. But it’s normal to feel compassion and/or guilt that children don’t get to grow up having parents.

OneTwoThreeDoeRayMe · 07/11/2019 22:46

This isn't about you.

It's about (potentially) bereaved children.

Simple as that.

Armadillostoes · 07/11/2019 22:48

Some of the responses on here are totally insensitive and Munsnet at its worst. OP you do matter, but I can understand why hearing this stuff makes you doubt it. The people who don't understand why you would ask this question either never knew or have forgotten what your position can feel like.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 07/11/2019 22:52

Armadillo do you really think so? We should feel sorry for someone healthy? I don’t get it.

somebrightmorning · 07/11/2019 22:53

I few years ago my GP (incorrectly) thought I had a nasty neurological condition that can kill you. Whilst awaiting the diagnosis OP, I just calculated how many years I had to survive before there was a chance of the children being ok.
Now as they approach 18 I sometimes think "oh I'll be allowed to die in x years".
It's part of the overwhelming duty of raising them - you have to try not to absent yourself, including by death. It's fundamental.

As a parent to young children you have a role that noone else can step into.

My dad died last year and no-one said "oh he had children" because we are long grown. So you go back to being "just" a death once they are no longer dependent.

somebrightmorning · 07/11/2019 22:57

BitOfFun

Very sorry to learn of that diagnosis and it is interesting to know that it comforts you to know you have raised them already

lyingwanker · 07/11/2019 22:58

Someone that I know has just died at a very young age leaving 3 young children behind. I have been shocked at how upset I've been about this but most of my thoughts have been for the children. How absolutely devastating this must be for them both now and for their futures. And I then relate it back to myself, as a parent with young children.

It's not that you're worth any less, it's genuinely just empathy for the children.

RhiWrites · 07/11/2019 23:01

You know what, I find it really sad when someone loses a partner. Someone they’ve been with for maybe 50 years. They’ve grown up together, built a life together, automatically turn to each other to share happy news and sadnesses. Then one of them dies and the other one is left alone. I find that heartbreaking.

It is sad to think of kids left without a parent. But they’ve got a whole life ahead to discover. They will grow up and maybe find a partner, have kids of their own and a life.

I think it’s sadder to leave a grieving partner alone. I always cry in those bits in First Dates when someone explains why they’re now alone. But maybe that’s just me.

tinkerbellla · 07/11/2019 23:02

This makes me feel sad, I hope you are ok

StoppinBy · 07/11/2019 23:03

Personally yes I think that when you have young children that if you die the heartbreak you leave behind is greater.

It is not the person that dies that I am thinking of it is the children who are left to be raised without one of their parents who no doubt would have done anything to be able to stay and by their other parent (hopefully) that is no doubt in a huge state of grief at having lost their partner.

When a child less person dies young my empathy is for their parents as it must be so heart breaking to lose a child but as adults I assume that they are better equipped to cope with such a loss.