Would it matter less if I died?

[ladybee28]

Bracing myself a bit for a backlash on this, but...

I've heard a number of comments over recent months, exclusively from people who have children, that have left me feeling a bit weird, and I'm trying to untangle my logic from my feelings.

A few weeks ago a well-known musician died, and in telling me about it, my DP (who has a son) added to the story: "He had two kids and everything", shaking his head.

Then this morning a friend was talking about someone she knows who's been diagnosed with brain cancer – and then added extra qualification to the story by saying: "He's got kids, too." (He also has a wife he's been with since he was 15, and three sisters, and parents - but they don't get a mention)

Similar situations have popped up multiple times when people have passed away recently, where the fact that they were parents seemed to be added on to the story as an extra layer of sadness.

It feels like the reversal of their comments would be if a person without children died, they'd sit there and say: "Well, it could be worse - at least they didn't have kids."

And while I KNOW it's awful to lose a parent, and I can't imagine what that must be like for the children in question, it still makes me look at my friend, and my DP, and wonder: on some level, do they think it would matter less if I died, because I don't have children?

Is my life less valuable / important in their eyes because I've chosen not to be a mother?

AIBU to feel a bit weird about this, even though I know that's not explicitly what they mean?

I'd particularly like to hear from people who would probably say something like that, and understand more about where they're coming from – feels easier to have this conversation here with you all than bring it up with people IRL

I lost my dad when I was a teenager. My mum has often said that she could handle her own grief but found it hard to handle mine. Obviously I was devastated and I think people felt my dad's death was 'worse' because of me.

As a parent now, if I found out I was dying, I would be less concerned about leaving DH or missing out on certain things in life and completely overwhelmed at the prospect of leaving DS without a mother.

Your life doesn't matter less, it's just different.

Eh supposed to be a smiley face!

@ladybee28 is this because you think people are more valued if they are parents? As you are not a parent, do you feel less valued by people in your life.
I will never understand the attitude that dead people will be missed more because they had children.
My brother died when he was 19, I was 18. He had no children and his death destroyed my parents relationship. So I'm probably a bit short on the sympathy side.

It’s not about you. It’s about the effect it has on children to lose a parent. When you’re a parent you understand what it’s like to put your children’s needs and feelings above your own.

Some wise thoughts here.

My BILdied leaving a wife and 5 year old DD.
Tragic,but more so because his daughter lost her father at a young age.
Adults are much more able to understand and process grief than kids.
Losing a parent at 5 leaves a much bigger impact tan losing a parent as an adult.

So sorry OP if a parent of young children dies it is much worse

Like others have said- if I was facing a terminal illness with young children my manin concerns would not be about me, or my OH but for my children.
It is just the way things go.

I think I do feel an extra layer of sadness when I hear about a death of a parent where the children aren’t yet grown ups. That’s not to say that parents achieve more, have more value etc, just that as a parent I couldn’t bear for my children to be without me or my DH.

I do think I’d be the type to say thank goodness they haven’t left children behind so I’ll try to be more mindful that this can make non parents feel of less worth than parents.

Particularly if the children are young and dependent, losing a parent is potentially limiting their future prospects, and disrupting their lives in a massive way. They miss out on the love of a parent (which many children of living parents also miss out on, but that's another thread!).

That's all. Not that without children you have less value.

I was 8 when my Mum died. I've lived 33 years without her. Growing up without a mum was awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I never got to know her. I don't know what she would have been like as I grew up. I don't know her favourite song or perfume or pop star or book. I don't remember the sound of her voice. I don't remember the touch of her hands. I don't remember what it felt like to be cuddled by her or kissed by her. I don't remember what she looked like. We didn't grow up or old together. I didn't get to have teenage arguments with her. Or find her again as a young adult. Go to lunch with her, the movies. Anything.

She's gone. She's been gone for so long. My heart aches. The grief never goes away.

It's not about the person who has died. It's about the people left behind and children can't process the loss in the same way and have to grow up without an absolutely fundamental person in their life.

It's not about you. Everyone who loves you will grieve immensely.

I am a bit broken and have had to live my life with that loss.

Unless you've experienced it. You can't understand it.

Well of course, yes it would matter less if you died rather than the you who died with children. Get over yourself ffs

If you spoke to anyone like that in real life you’d get a well-deserved smack in the mouth.

To me I feel it implies that if they’re not adults and dependent on theirs parents then yes it it awful for them. Younger children aren’t able to obviously go out to work and earn a wage and depending on circumstances may not have a place to live. If another adult was dependent on the person who died then I guess the same would be said. Not only that but if a child is young and still has many milestones such as important birthday, graduations, exam results etc and usually these we shared with the parents which they wouldn’t be able to do. Older family members will have had the luxury of spending many milestones so together so will miss out on less. Again this all depends on the daily dynamic.

Awful post, selfish and idiotic.

If you don’t have children then no children will grow up parentless, traumatised and potentially orphaned.

Your family would grieve as anyone would greave. You’re not less important, you’re just very self centred.

I agree with you. I don't have children and feel I am lucky to be able to die knowing that, while I hope my death will be sad for those who knew me, no one will be devastated. What's wrong with that?

SciFiScream so sad to read your story.
My son-in-law died at a young age and I thought it was a blessing that he hadn’t had children yet. I don’t think there is much worse in life than a child losing a parent, particularly a young child.

;I'd particularly like to hear from people who would probably say something like that, and understand more about where they're coming from – feels easier to have this conversation here with you all than bring it up with people IRL'

I don't have kids myself (had 2 m/cs) but I would probably say this. It just feels worse if someone leaves children behind bereaved, especially if they died relatively young. It's not that the person's life was worth more, just that there are more people particularly deeply effected by the bereavement.

It's not just young kids IMO (though that's the most shocking) but even if someone has to face losing a parent comparatively young, say in their 20s or 30s.

I thought you expressed your story so eloquently SciFi.

Yes, a death is more tragic if it robs children of a parent.

I don’t have children, my family would still be devastated if I died. But my nieces and nephews would be more upset if they lost a parent.

Doesn’t mean my life is worth less. People are understandably more sensitive to children’s grief.

Woo, bit harsh! But true in many ways.
If poster still has her parents then they will be devastated like any of us with kids, no matter how young/old they are.
However, that said, if not, then yes, in some ways it will matter to people less.
Lets face it, if a friend dies, it's sad, but you move on, think about them from time to time, but it doesn't wreck your life.
If a husband or wife dies, then again, it's awful for a while but again, even people married for donkeys years move on, remarry etc. You can love again, albeit differently, but you can.
You can never get another mum or child. So naturally, those deaths are more life changing, more 'important'. Sorry original OP! Sad but true.

@MyKingdomForBrie
*
I have obviously always wanted to avoid dying but now the thought of dying and leaving my babies alone without me - it's fucking unbearable.*

This - I had lots of operations as a teenager and young adult and it never really bothered me even though i knew there was a risk of death. The moment i had kids the fear of death is so much worse. My kids still need me so yes if i die now it will be much worse than if i die in 20 years when they are fully grown and don't need me in the same way.

Its no different than when you hear of a really old person passing, yes its sad but they had a long life so its not as sad as someone who had that robbed from them.

Her value as a human being isn't more because she has kids, it is that people can feel the pain of her kid's and empathise with them

That.

The extra sadness I felt when friend died was because of the agony her children were going through on losing her. Never for a second would I consider a parent more valuable in themselves. But untimely death is sheer hell for children left behind, so of course one feels an extra knot in the stomach.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

I so agree with your comment - pp was just plain ignorant

@Angelthekingcharles 'Awful post, selfish and idiotic.'

Erm nah, OP is just saying how she's feeling.

I think it’s a lot about your childhood and how you feel about not having children yourself.

When people say ‘and she had two young daughters too’ it’s not meaning that the grief is for them as you seem to think, it’s just shorthand for ‘oh those poor children’.

...I get the sense that you don’t feel you mattered as a child and now because you don’t have a child you still ‘don’t matter’...

I hope discussing it here and in therapy can help 🌷

I think you're getting an unfairly hard time here, OP. I understand why it made you feel weird - I remember having a (jokey) conversation with DH before we had DS about how I would no longer be in any way notable if I died - not tragically young, not gifted and so a loss to the world, not a mother - and although it was a joke, I do remember thinking it was a pretty depressing thought that my death would be considered not that sad, in the grand scheme of things. I don't think those people were thinking about you at all when they said it, but I can see why it made you feel weird, like they were saying you didn't matter as much.

A friend of mine has just died leaving two young girls, their father is already dead.

Get a grip.