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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you're a parent, when did you have time to...

214 replies

CandyCaneLove · 06/11/2019 18:05

I have a 10 month old DD and the relentlessness of parenting and complete lack of free time has been a huge shock to me. I have a supportive DH but he works full time and is out of the house all day and only home after DD is asleep during the week. On weekends he does a lot but I tend to catch up on sleep when he has DD for a couple of hours as she isn't a good sleeper so I'm perpetually knackered.

What age were your kids when you could:

  1. Have a shower, blow dry your hair and put make up on with them in your care?
  2. Regularly exercise?
  3. Eat a meal whilst they're awake without rushing it as you can't really spare the time?
  4. Watch a TV show you want to watch whilst they play independently?

Even if it's years away I'd like to know if I'm ever going to get small bits of freedom back. At the moment it feels I never will (without arranging childcare).

OP posts:
LovelyIssues · 07/11/2019 18:27

erm eldest is 9.... and no sign of that yet

MollyButton · 07/11/2019 18:31

I have 3, all very different.

  1. From birth - DH would take over during the evening so I could have an evening shower. Or I'd do it during a nap. Depends on the child - 1 needed to be held, the others were far more put downable.
  2. With different ones I did classes or went to gyms that had a Creche. I'm not a great gym bunny though.
  3. DH and I did swappsies to eat meals (including a special one in Iceland with a 10 week old). Eating though was often a mixture of what I could grab one handed and the odd proper meal when they slept/someone else held them. With toddlers they tended to eat earlier and watch TV or were in bed whilst Mum and Dad ate.
  4. as a baby -whenever I wanted (my eldest saw their first horror movie at 8 weeks). Once older, it was when they were in bed orif we had a babysitter and went to the cinema. But I watch far less TV.
MrsKoala · 07/11/2019 18:34
  1. Have a shower, blow dry your hair and put make up on with them in your care?

Depends on your layout and child. When DS1 was 3-6 months we lived in a house with steep stairs so I used to put him in the jumperoo, but then he started crawling so used I only showered when DH was home. Then from 9 months we lived in an apartment so I just left the door open and he toddled about while I could see him. With DS2 we were in a town house and had a 2yo and a newborn so it was back to only when dh was home and sink washes in the kitchen! Then I started being able to do it when they were 6,4 and 2. Although I come downstairs to mess, mayhem and fighting.

  1. Regularly exercise?

When they were 2 and about 10 months - I used the creche at the leisure centre while I did 3 classes a week. Then I had dd and am now starting again once a week while the older 2 are at school and dd is at preschool. I probably wont get back to exercising 3 times a week till they are all at school.

  1. Eat a meal whilst they're awake without rushing it as you can't really spare the time?

Still don't. They are 7, 5 and 3.

  1. Watch a TV show you want to watch whilst they play independently?

See above answer. And because we all go to bed together I never get a chance when they are in bed either. I have a huge list of box sets I am going to spend 2 years binge watching when they are all at school in 2 years.

ChocolateTeapot1 · 07/11/2019 18:36

I’ve got a 2 and 3 year old and I can pretty much do all the things you mention again, it’s not been long but I am happy to leave my children downstairs and go and shower. We have a well child proofed house though. I can tune them out and watch the tv too. I mean I can’t relax like I used to doing the things you list but I can do them, ish.

MinTheMinx · 07/11/2019 18:49

When they've left home?

I recommend saving for the teenage school trips which are a godsend and well worth the hundreds of pounds they invariably cost, as it's the only way to absolutely guarantee time to yourself.

Eating a meal, watching TV, exercising: when they're small these things can't be done without interruption of some sort and nothing much changes when they're older other than the type of interruption. At five-years-old it's probably to ask you a question about dinosaurs, and at 17 it'll be to demand you rescue them from 350 miles away because their boyfriend has thrown their car keys into a lake.

So yea, when they've left home. Or some time after that.

NameChangedNoImagination · 07/11/2019 18:59

Sorry wtf am I very naive or what? I can't BELIEVE people are putting off doing these very basic things for years. Why are we making martyrs of ourselves? You mean to say your child won't watch TV for 15 minutes or play with toys for 15 minutes so you can do the basics of self care and grooming? Or when they start walking, toddle around the bathroom while you're doing so?

PearlsBeforeWine · 07/11/2019 19:00

This sounds exhausting! Your baby will be more than OK put in a playpen with a couple of toys while you have your shower, or makeup. I would have gone nuts if I'd not been.able to even do that.

Exercise, well you need a babysitter if you want to go to the gym and many of those have creches. . But you can do a fair bit of running with a buggy. You can do videos eg with yoga... Baby on playmat... you on yours.

Lunch.... Stick baby at your feet with some toys and go munch.

It's an overwhelming transition but you don't nerd to make it even harder.

WaxOnFeckOff · 07/11/2019 19:00

To be honest, all that stuff comes and goes and it really depends on your DC. Mine are 18 and 19 now and each age has it's challenges and benefits. When you are out every evening driving them between sports clubs and swimming and brownies/cubs etc you'll long for the days when they did nothing and lay exactly where you put them. When they are newly independent adults/teens, you'll long for the days when you knew exactly where they were and what they'd eaten etc.

basically the physical exhaustion gets replaced with mental torture.... :o

Try to just fit in what you can and be kind to yourself when you don't get things done.

NameChangedNoImagination · 07/11/2019 19:01

@PearlsBeforeWine THANK YOU

MrsKoala · 07/11/2019 19:09

You can do videos eg with yoga... Baby on playmat... you on yours.

Every time I tried that they repeatedly jumped on me squealing as if it was a hilarious game. Even now I can't pick something up from under the sofa without a 3 child pile-on. Grin

Ninjamilo · 07/11/2019 19:11
  1. Have a shower, blow dry your hair and put make up on with them in your care?
Around 2 weeks when husband went to work. I’d wait til she was napping and shower super quick! Luckily she sleeps through most noice so the hairdryer didn’t bother her.
  1. Regularly exercise?
I never have, so I’ll let you know haha!
  1. Eat a meal whilst they're awake without rushing it as you can't really spare the time?
From birth. When I was breastfeeding I’d cut my food up small if she needed feeding at the same time and eat with one hand. We’ve done BLW which has been amazing as I have a massive thing about not being able to eat food that isn’t piping hot!
  1. Watch a TV show you want to watch whilst they play independently?
Have always done this too. She’s quite happy watching anything. Especially zombies (husband!)

Reading this back I’m quite lucky really. She’s 18 months now and life has changed a lot in many ways, but others not so much.

Considermesometimes · 07/11/2019 19:13

You need to adjust your expectations a little more op.

I have never got my 'old routine' back, and mine are 14 and 12!

The school run replaced the exhaustion of the toddlerhood, and the mornings are every bit as busy and hardwork as they ever were!

I gave up blowdrying my hair when dd was born, and now use the car heaters! Grin Make up has been streamlined to 3 minutes max, and is still the case now.

I am too knackered to exercise daily, worn down with the years and years and years of sleepless nights. I do what I can when I can. That is more than good enough.

Instead of watching Cbeebies on repeat we have now moved onto trashy American programmes or wildlife programmes. It is torture to even try and watch something we are all interested in, tween age is a nightmare! They are too old to watch disney films and too young to watch anything adult.

Your life is this on repeat for the next sixteen years at least, by which time a blanket of acceptance will replace your blow drys, and your old PJs will take precedence over all else.

It is all about pockets of joy rather than a return to the childfree lifestyle.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 07/11/2019 19:23

It really depends on your situation, OP. I've no family I can ask to help out, really, so it's been a couple of hours with a childminder from age about 2, then nursery, then school, that have freed up any time at all. It is enormously hard to begin with, it gets gradually easier. I know it doesn't feel like it will when you're in the thick of it, though ...

1300cakes · 07/11/2019 19:29

From newborn for 1, 3 and 4. I had a shower while baby is sleeping or bring him in with me. I never had a complex hair and make up routine anyway. Meals - he eats with us so no need to rush. TV - my dc is fine playing by themselves for a while, but I appreciate this varies a lot.

For exercise, pram walks from day 1 and I used gym creche from about 9 months. I could have done it earlier as they take babies from six weeks, but I don't really like the gym anyway so I was avoiding it.

MeadowHay · 07/11/2019 19:34

My DD is 16m.

I can do number 1 occasionally, if I do every stage of that as fast as I possibly can. Depends on her mood and stuff tho. Maybe once a month? I only have sole care of her once a week tho. So I guess it would be more often if I had her FT.
Number 2 - I probably could do now. DH is supportive so I could go on a weekend when he has DD or do something on an evening when she is in bed. But I don't drive, I have anxiety, and I'm permanently tired. DH goes swimming most weeks at our local pool, for an hour on an evening just once a week. There's no reason I couldnt do that too in theory.
No 3 definitely not yet. She does love her food but gets bored quickly ofc. So we have to eat as fast as we can.
No. 4 again definitely not yet, I need to keep a close eye on her and she goes into and out of different rooms all the time whilst she's playing. Also makes a lot of noise and also wants my attention a lot.

isittheholidaysyet · 07/11/2019 19:36

1. Have a shower, blow dry your hair and put make up on with them in your care?
About 2/3 weeks for shower. Put kid on floor of bathroom, first in carrycot, then, later, in bouncy chair, then play gym. When they got to crawling stage, I made the bathroom baby safe, and put toys on floor and got on with it. If baby stood holding onto side of bath screaming, tough. (I don't blow dry hair or wear make-up). Shared baths were often easier once he was a toddler.

2. Regularly exercise?
Eldest 14 years, youngest 8. I swim whilst older kids are at a home ed class.
I did buy an exercise bike to use in the evenings after kids were in bed. That worked, except they used it as a climbing frame and broke it.

3. Eat a meal whilst they're awake without rushing it as you can't really spare the time?
Pre-weaning i sat happily and ate one handed whilst baby breast-fed. Once weaning started we moved onto family mealtimes, so not rushed, but not restful. Would sit baby at table in high chair and give him some fingerfood to throw about and I would shove some spoonfuls into each of us.

4. Watch a TV show you want to watch whilst they play independently?
Mine never played independently. So we would watch after they had gone to bed, but with the ability to pause every time they needed us. Then they get older and stop going to bed until the same time as you.
The TV now seems to belong to the kids, as does the laptop. I watch stuff on my phone. Usually whilst doing jobs such a cooking, ironing or sorting laundry.

You just need to find new ways to do things, and new ways of living.

Newmumatlast · 07/11/2019 19:47

I'm only just under 4 weeks in so watching this thread with interest. I was determined though that I wasnt going to be one of those people who never got to have a shower or eat a meal while it was still hot. I therefore make sure DH and I take it in turns so the other can have a nice bath or shower at some point in the day and also so that one of us can cook our meal. I also learnt to eat one handed very quickly so that since she has been born I have not gone without hot meals at all. TV wise so far I havent put any children's tv on and am watching my own programmes but conscious of sweary ones. Exercise wise I am not able to yet but plan is to take in turns with DH and also use grandparents who live up the road so I can do this a couple of times a week

GirlOnIt · 07/11/2019 19:48

Ds one and I'm due my second very soon. No longer with their dad so not sure how much of these I'll be getting done in the near future. But up to now.

1: have always done from day one, well definitely showed. Only really wear makeup and blow dry my hair if I'm going out. Always managed minimal make up if I was going somewhere and my hair was definitely brushed.
2: when ds was a few months, but only when ex was home or my mum would baby sit. Was managing a few evenings a week, until recently.
3: from 6 months, ds would sit in his high chair and eat with me. Before that, he'd always want feeding as soon as I tried to eat, so I'd have to feed him and try eat at the same time.
4: loads when he was breastfeeding 24/7. Now only when he's in bed, but that's usually at 7pm.

I think sleep is probably your biggest problem op. Does she wake to feed or just not settle. It's really difficult to do much on little sleep.

Catsinthecupboard · 07/11/2019 20:03

I am sorry. My kids are young adults and I still get knocks on my bathroom door.

beingmum39 · 07/11/2019 20:37

Have a shower, blow dry your hair and put make up on with them in your care?
5 months but not bothered about the makeup part

  1. Regularly exercise?
2 months but taking them out for a walk in pram twice daily
  1. Eat a meal whilst they're awake without rushing it as you can't really spare the time?
6 months when they moved onto solids they weren't hungry for boob whilst I ate
  1. Watch a TV show you want to watch whilst they play independenly
5/6 months I don't watch any TV whilst they play but I can get on with chores like ironing and cooking dinner Smile
Tubs11 · 07/11/2019 20:47

Shower - from about 6 weeks, she would be in the bathroom with me.
Exercise - she was a terrible sleeper so walked anywhere and everywhere with her
Meals - slowest eater in the world so would eat with her so 6 months
TV - only once she's gone to bed 3 months

Hollowtree3 · 07/11/2019 20:56

3 and a half... shower, hair makeup, no problem, exercise either in a mama fit class when they are there or a gym with a creche. Watching tv for an hour, well if they are not out, subtitles and telling them a bit about the story and how mum REALLY wants to watch it helps

churchandstate · 07/11/2019 21:00

My DD is nearly 3.

Shower/wash hair - I don’t blow dry mine so it was really just the first few months of BF when I couldn’t. Either her dad watches her or I bath/shower once she is in bed.

Exercise - floor exercises (yoga/stretching) or running in the morning (sporadically) from about 2.

Food - we eat together and she is pretty independent about it so I take my time.

TV - I’ve trained her to take turns, so she comes over with the TV remote to tell me it’s my turn 😂

MaggieMagpie357 · 07/11/2019 21:57

I completely agree with @WaxOnFeckOff - mine are now 10 and 13, and whilst I’ve obviously been able to shower and eat meals in peace for many years, I now long for the days when they went to bed at 7pm and we actually had an evening! Now they are downstairs until 9pm every night, and while I do enjoy watching tv programme with them as a family in the evenings, but we rarely get to watch any “grown up” tv because I’m too knackered by the time they’re in bed! So each stage has its challenges. Currently we are struggling with screen time, homework and puberty Shock Luckily they’re not really interested in going out without me yet, so I still have that all to come..... oh joy!

KindergartenKop · 07/11/2019 22:02

Mine are 7 and 4...

  1. Have a shower, blow dry your hair and put make up on with them in your care? About 3
  1. Regularly exercise? Once you have child free time! I can't do this with kids in tow.
  1. Eat a meal whilst they're awake without rushing it as you can't really spare the time? 3ish
  1. Watch a TV show you want to watch whilst they play independently? They won't let me do this yet. If the tv is on they come and watch it and then whinge that I'm not watching paw patrol or whatever.
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