I feel absolutely awful even writing this, but I'm just at the end of my tether. I have name changed for this.
I have been living with my partner and DSS for just over two years now. He is 16. We aren't married, but do own the house together. DSS lives with us full time apart from every other weekend.
My partner works long, full time hours plus commute time, and I work from home. So, naturally, a lot of things like housework and sorting things out fall to me. I don't mind that, I think it's fair that the partner who is home most picks up the slack. But possibly things like this wouldn't bother me if that was different. For background, DSS used to go to my partner's parents' house after school every day, and DP would pick him up after work, but with me being at home now that seems silly.
The odd thing is, DSS is actually a nice lad, and we generally get on when no incidents are happening. But it's just that there are things he does that drive me up the wall.
We are in the process of doing up the house, and he has zero respect for anything. This week, he's dyed a load of washing red and broken the new machine by putting a snapped biro (which leaked and then got stuck in the mechanism of the machine) in with his clothes (never checks pockets, so often have tissues all over the clean washing. I normally do the washing for all of us, but he didn't put any of his in the basket and demanded that he NEEDED these jeans by the next day, so I said I'm not waiting up for it to be done as it was 11pm already, so he did them with the rest of his clothes from his floor.. and ruined them all).
We've just done the kitchen up and bought a beautiful, matching set of dishes. We asked him to use the older set when making food for himself as he's a) clumsy and b) never brings things down from his bedroom. He ignores this (usually because he's ran out of plates and can't be bothered bringing them down and washing them), and we have already had to buy a new set because he's broken 2 large plates and a pasta bowl. This is because he doesn't take care, and throws things about. He will literally throw plates onto the side if we've asked him to pick them up and take them to the kitchen. But then when he's smashed things, he won't even tell us, he just leaves the pieces on the kitchen floor or wherever they smashed.
He also spilt a can of coke (which he shouldn't even have had) on our new sofa before he was going to bed one weekend, but instead of alerting me, put a cushion over it. So by the morning it had spread and completely ruined it and the cushion. The sofa had just cost us £800. I have used stain remover on it and it has helped a bit, but you can still see it.
He gets angry sometimes when gaming, and has broken a pane of glass in the lounge door (again, new) by throwing his controller at it. Also, this anger seriously distracts me from working, as he is SO noisy and angry when playing these games. He has also had to get new controllers a couple of times because his - for some strange reason - break faster than normal.
He walks into the house on the new living room carpet in his dirty shoes, which are dirty because he cuts across the grass at the front of the house instead of taking two extra steps to get to the driveway. So the new carpet is filthy, and the grass and flowerbed is trampled. We are supposed to take our shoes off in the hallway, but he always "forgets".
I leave my phone downstairs to charge at night, and if he goes to bed after me (I go quite early so often it's DSS and DP downstairs later on) DSS's phone will be plugged in in the morning as he's unplugged mine, so mine will be low, which I need for work. The issue with that is that he actually has a charger in his own bedroom, so it completely baffles me. We only have one plug in our bedroom as it's old fashioned and we haven't got round to doing that room yet, so we have a lamp plugged into it.
I have a hobby of doing jigsaw puzzles which I do on the kitchen table. He puts his college bag on top of it, and has - several times - dragged the bag off again later, dragging the puzzle with it, onto the floor. Like the smashed dishes, he leaves it. It's crossed my mind that he does this on purpose.
Then there's all the mess he leaves behind him wherever he goes. I either have to pick it up myself or nag him constantly. No amount of nagging changes it. I don't mind what his bedroom looks like, but I would like the family parts of the home to be neat and tidy, and he literally has to walk past a bin to get back upstairs to his bedroom.
He has a habit of going out after college, and having food out, when I've already cooked for the family. Or he'll say he's going out, then not going out, and then wanting food when he comes back in which I hadn't planned for. The number of times we've had to phone him (he never picks up) because we don't know where he is after college is ridiculous.
He also can't get himself up on time. He has to be out of the house by 7.30 to get the bus, and even when woken by one of us in plenty of time, he takes so much time getting ready that he misses it at least once a week. DP has already left for work by the time the bus is due, so that's then down to me to either let him be late and get another bus (I can't bring myself to do that because he gets into trouble) or drive the 30 mins there and 30 mins back that it takes to get him there on time. That then puts my work behind and has, in the past, got me into trouble with my clients as I missed a deadline.
He has started smoking. He is actually denying this, and we have never a) seen him smoke or b) found cigarettes/a lighter in his room. BUT he always smells of it and ... there are sodding cigarette burns on the wall. So either he, or a ghost, is smoking in his room and then stubbing cigs out on the wall. I mean, seriously? We've decorated that room and he's burning the wall? Other than the obvious damage which is seriously annoying, we really really don't want him smoking. There is so much education on it these days, and the dangers of it are just scary.
My car got keyed a few months ago, and next door happen to have CCTV on the front. They showed me the footage, and it was DSS's group of friends INCLUDING DSS walking home after college. One of his friends did it, and he laughed along with them. I was absolutely gutted as, like with everything else, I worked hard for that car, and like to keep it nice. He has also spilt drinks inside the car itself, keeps his muddy football boots on or putting them on the seat instead of putting them in the plastic bag I give him, leaves wrappers and empty bottles lying around. So my car is an absolute state as well, and I can honestly say that none of the mess in it, at all, is mine.
Money is a bit tight at the moment, and this is the incident that has made me write this post. My partner has been unwell recently, so I had bought him a pack of lucozade from Costco (because that's what you drink when you're ill haha) and this morning there were none in the fridge. I asked DSS whether he'd been drinking them and he said "not exactly" and laughed. I asked what that meant, and he said he'd been taking them to college and selling them for £1 each (they don't sell energy drinks there anymore). I was absolutely fuming at this, because we don't have much money ourselves (our own fault for doing up the house, but we can handle it so long as we budget) and yet he's taking things that I've paid for, and making a profit out of them? I was absolutely gobsmacked!
DP disciplines him by taking away his X Box, but this doesn't work because he will either play at a friend's house after college without asking for permission to go, and he has one at his mum's when he goes there anyway. DP also says he won't get any pocket money unless he tidies up and is respectful, but he doesn't care, as his mum and grandparents both give him money weekly, so what we give him makes no odds. He does no chores around the house, won't even wash a dish or tidy his own bedroom. There's nothing DP can do that will make a difference. We are both nagging constantly and I hate that, but what we can we do? We can't just leave things the way they are, surely. We're not asking him to be a slave for us, just to look after things and do the dishes on occasion, maybe.
Don't get me wrong, I love my partner to absolute bits, hence why I'm still here, but the problem is that he's not here a lot of the time. And that's not his fault. We both work so so hard to have a nice house and nice things, but it feels like DSS is just working against us all the time to spoil things and make things difficult.
It's so weird though because when things are good, we all get on well and have a laugh. I can't stress enough that I DON'T dislike DSS, and I honestly do my absolute hardest to make sure he has everything he needs, that he gets help when he needs it with college work, that we go on nice trips at weekends etc, but there are just all of these incidents, and damage being done, and problems. I know all families have problems, but what I've said is the tip of the iceberg. I can't say some things because they're just too obvious, but I can't live like this, wondering what's going to get wrecked next. I would totally expect this if he was a toddler, but he's not!
What the hell can I do? I am actually thinking about moving out (and hoping to goodness DP will still speak to me) until DSS goes to university. Would that be a horrific thing to do? I'm just not enjoying life at the moment, and I don't see any other way. DP is at the end of his tether with it as well, as he doesn't want to come home from work to find the house (sometimes literally) smashed up, or pay to replace things we've only just bought.. and I don't want to leave him to cope with this on his own.
I know people will say that I should have thought of that before going out with someone with a child, but I absolutely did! I was fully prepared to treat this young man like he was my own, and be either a mother figure, a sister, a friend - whatever worked. It's just that I would never have thought of this kind of thing from a 16yo that's all.
Please help me :(.