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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?

181 replies

TiceCream · 03/11/2019 00:34

DH‘s family consists of MIL and BIL, they’ve always taken turns to host Christmas. I have two separated parents but no siblings, my DF always spends Christmas with his sister and my DM stays with her friend for two years (on the years that MIL and BIL host) and comes to our house on the third year (when we host).

This year it’s BIL’s turn to host. But DM’s friend died this year so she’ll be alone for Christmas. DM won’t be invited to come with us to BIL’s house so I said in that case we need to have Christmas at home with DM.

DH has rightly pointed out that we can’t afford to host Christmas for his family every year, that’s why we take turns. And obviously they want their turn to host and won’t be keen to come to us every year. I said well they can come to us and DM every third year as usual, and the other two years we’ll have Christmas at home just us with DM.

DH is now whinging that it’s not fair, he’s had Christmas with his family for 40 years and now I’m ruining it. AIBU to think he’s being selfish? We’ve spent every Christmas with his family for the past ten years and now it’s time to spend it with my family.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 03/11/2019 00:36

Yes, he’s being selfish. Tell him he can do what he likes, you’ll be home with your mum.

TildaTurnip · 03/11/2019 00:38

Yes he is! You could host it every year but get the MIL and BIL to bring food.

We stay at home-all parents welcome if they wish to come.

TheBouquets · 03/11/2019 00:43

I think there is a complete disregard for your DM's feelings given that her friend of many years has died. Thankfully she has a decent daughter in you to speak out on her behalf. I think there needs to be some flexibility this year for your DM's feelings. If DH can not see this I would not be happy with him.
If he sticks to his family's wishes perhaps you and DM could have a Christmas of your own at your house or her house and DH can go to his family

EmmiJay · 03/11/2019 00:50

Said it yourself. He whinging. Tell him change is good and to suck it up buttercup.

Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 00:52

You could host it every year
BIL won’t come to us every year. On the year he hosts they always invite SIL’s parents too (on the other two years SIL’s parents rotate round their other DC). They won’t want to give up their turn to have Christmas at home (which is entirely reasonable).

perhaps you and DM could have a Christmas of your own at your house or her house and DH can go to his family
DH doesn’t want to be separated from our DC for Christmas. He wants to go to his family and take our DC, and I can stay at home if I want. I’m furious that he thinks he can take my DC away from me two years out of three! He thinks I’m being selfish denying DC (and him) a Christmas with cousins and relatives in a bustling house just to be here alone with DM.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 03/11/2019 00:57

Can’t DM go with you?
My DFIL has come with us every year, my family just accept that he comes with us every year and is part of our family.

Chloe84 · 03/11/2019 01:02

YANBU. Every third with your family is unacceptable. Does he not give a shit about your poor mum? Shock

Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 01:07

Can’t DM go with you?
We travel to BIL and stay over, as do SIL’s parents and MIL. Apparently they wouldn’t have room for DM too. We also travel to MIL who has a two bed house and sleeps on her own sofa the year that she hosts, so she couldn’t accommodate DM either.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 03/11/2019 01:14

Could you stay near by in a BNB?

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 03/11/2019 01:21

If it's just a matter of not enough beds at mil/bil house can DM (& possibly you?) stay in an Airbnb close by on the years they are hosting? We have done this for family Xmas where there wasn't the bed space actually with family and managed to find somewhere that was only 15 minute walk from my df for bit much more than £50 pn. Could be an option for at least one of the years?

Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 01:21

Could you stay near by in a BNB?
Possibly. But I can’t see DH agreeing to that at an expensive time of year when he’d have to drive to the B&B at bedtime so therefore couldn’t drink on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

OP posts:
TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 03/11/2019 01:22

X post with wee nurse 🤦

Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 01:24

Also DH insists it’s rude to go to someone’s house and invite someone else along with us who hasn’t been invited. Well the alternative is staying at home!

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TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 03/11/2019 01:27

Well tell dh it's even ruder to Not invite a close extended family member (your own mother!!) to a traditionally family orientated event when said family member has been bereaved and would otherwise be left alone!!
Unreal that he can't see this!

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 03/11/2019 01:29

Do DH's family even know this, in fact? I would be really hurt and disappointed if they Did and still didn't invite her... They are all being more than a touch heartless tbh.

Topseyt · 03/11/2019 01:34

He is being whingy and unreasonable. He seems to be completely unable to consider your mother's feelings here.

Is this a rut you have got into with Christmas always being about his family? Maybe time to change that a bit and ignore his protests. He is being a spoilt brat.

DonKeyshot · 03/11/2019 01:41

He's being totally unreasonable and thoroughly selfish. Tell him to go to his family and you'll stay home to celebrate Christmas with your dm AND your dc.

He's had 40 years of Christmases with his family and he should realise that it's time to shake up the old order to accomodate your dm's change in circumstance.

Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 02:01

Is this a rut you have got into with Christmas always being about his family?
Yes. My parents are divorced and don’t speak, DF has spent Christmas with his sister for over 20 years so since I was a teenager it was just me and DM. We went to DM’s sister for several Christmases but she died. Then we went to her brother for a couple of years but his wife had a stroke so that arrangement ended. Then we started going to her friend - and I met DH so my DM said just spend Christmas with him, I’ll see you on Boxing Day. So we’ve spent Christmas with DH’s family for a decade while DM goes to her friend and catches up with us the next day.

The situation is different now though. We’re married with a house and DC of our own. DM no longer has her friend to go to. I don’t think it’s fair for DH to expect to continue to have Christmas with his family every year.

OP posts:
chopc · 03/11/2019 02:03

What does your DH think your mother will do for Christmas? He is happy for her to be on her own?

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 03/11/2019 02:08

Just reading your update I didn't realise you saw DH family every year - it's it's Definitely time he learnt to compromise, he's been very privileged to date to have it all his way! Ask how he would feel if his mum suddenly had to spend 2 out of 3 Christmases alone......

WagtailRobin · 03/11/2019 02:14

Time to put your foot down OP, your husband is being selfish and inconsiderate.

Your mother is important, she's your family, why shouldn't she spend Christmas with you, especially now she is effectively alone. It's not very pleasant his disregard for your mum but do not let him convince you to exclude her, spend Christmas with your mum.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/11/2019 02:21

Can you and your DM have Christmas with the kids in the morning. You could have a special Christmas Eve dinner and open presents in the morning with a nice breakfast and then your DH can drive the kids to his family for the rest of the day?

Lana08 · 03/11/2019 02:25

Don’t worry about future Christmas’s just yet. That can be tackled at a different time. Things change from year to year. Just tell him that you are staying at home this year and your mother will be staying too.

Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 02:32

Yes we see his family every year. To begin with MIL invited her sons to come home every year, then when they got girlfriends she invited them too. Then her sons got married and had DC and bought houses so started taking turns. So Year 1 we all go to MIL’s house. Year 2 we all go to BIL’s house and they also invite SIL’s parents. Year 3 we all come to our house and we also invite my DM. That was fine at the time when DM had somewhere else to go. But it isn’t fine any more. Now DM needs to spend Christmas with us every year. If she can’t accompany us to MIL and BIL then we need to stay at home.

What does your DH think your mother will do for Christmas?
His attitude is “well she’s never spent Christmas with us before so she can’t start now, it’s spoiling our family Christmas, why should DC be stuck at home because of her instead of having cousins to play with? Can she not make up with her other friend Doreen so she can go to her, or can she not go to her nephew, or I’m sure her god-daughter who lives nearby will let her come for dinner?” Basically he sees her as an inconvenience. My DM has gone to her friend for TEN YEARS so DH can have his family Christmas and it’s not fair any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 02:39

then your DH can drive the kids to his family for the rest of the day
We live near my DM but it’s a three hour drive to where DH grew up. That’s why we drive there and stay over from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, then we drive home and DM cooks an evening meal for when we arrive back. After dinner we drive ten minutes home. There’s no way DC can spend three hours in the car on Christmas Day.

OP posts: