AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?

[TiceCream]

DH‘s family consists of MIL and BIL, they’ve always taken turns to host Christmas. I have two separated parents but no siblings, my DF always spends Christmas with his sister and my DM stays with her friend for two years (on the years that MIL and BIL host) and comes to our house on the third year (when we host).

This year it’s BIL’s turn to host. But DM’s friend died this year so she’ll be alone for Christmas. DM won’t be invited to come with us to BIL’s house so I said in that case we need to have Christmas at home with DM.

DH has rightly pointed out that we can’t afford to host Christmas for his family every year, that’s why we take turns. And obviously they want their turn to host and won’t be keen to come to us every year. I said well they can come to us and DM every third year as usual, and the other two years we’ll have Christmas at home just us with DM.

DH is now whinging that it’s not fair, he’s had Christmas with his family for 40 years and now I’m ruining it. AIBU to think he’s being selfish? We’ve spent every Christmas with his family for the past ten years and now it’s time to spend it with my family.

Your not so DH is an arse! How are you not even more angry with him? I bet he has no qualms on asking your DM, to help with the DC; but then thinks it’s okay for your DM to be left on her own.

Tell him to go to HIS family and not come back.

This is making me so cross - your husband is being monumentally selfish. She’s your mother, for goodness sake! Circumstances change and he needs to be much more compassionate and flexible. Most families struggle to get absolutely everyone together on the day, so you come up with a solution that doesn’t leave anybody on their own on Christmas Day (as you’ve suggested), then you see other family on the days before and after.

Tbh I think this would be a deal breaker for me. I'd have a serious chat with my DH over this. His family has a choice- they can invite DM who after all is only one extra person (and SIL invites her mother I think you said) or come to yours each year or not see you. Where is xmas spirit? I can see it would be better for DC to have cousins to play with but really it's not just you denying them that and the price would be their grandmother alone. DH has a choice too. He thinks he will be able to take DC every year and leave you alone? Well that gives an idea as to how much he values you. If he carries on he can always find himself without you every year and SC alternate.

Why won’t your ILs invite your mum? Seems churlish and not in the spirit of Christmas to me.
I am an only child and wouldn’t leave my parents alone at Christmas. We don’t alternate but we do host every year.

Your DH is being a selfish git. No one should be alone at Christmas. Boohoo if he doesn't get to have a drink ONE day of the year. Surely that's the compromise to have no one spending Xmas day alone. TBH his attitude totally sucks. Is he this selfish about other things OP? What do the DC think about Grandma being alone at Christmas or are they very little?

Every third Christmas with your mum is not fair. If anything a compromise would be alternate between. I’d then celebrate with your mum either before or afterwards if it’s not her year.

Come on girl, put your foot down. Your poor mum being all alone.
My DH’s mum (my DH has a DSis who lives 10 hours flight away) lives alone here. I make a point on hosting her, every single year or taking her with us if we go somewhere.
The last thing I want is leaving the woman who raised my wonderful DH, all alone at this time. Gtfo.

OMG this has given me the rage. One of these times when showing the thread would be good, perhaps?.

Dear Ficecreamhusband

Other people have feelings too.

It isn’t just about you and what you want and your children playing with their cousins.

Christmas is a time for ensuring your loved ones feel loved. Even if you don’t love your mil, you should respect that your wife (whom I imagine you love) does and very much. Your mil sounds like a kind lady, who doesn’t like to put people out, which is all the more reason why you should feel obliged to do exactly that and include her in your family celebrations from now on.

You’ve had a great run of having family christmases exactly the way you want them. Time to grow up and realise you cannot spend every Christmas doing what you want without regard to those around you.

MOLD

Stay at home your DM and DC. Your DH can go to his family if he wants. He is being very selfish!

Your husband is absolutely ghastly. How dare he suggest that your mother is nothing more than an inconvenience spoiling his Christmas fun? I would be hopping mad about this, he is acting like a horrid, spoilt brat and a spiteful one at that. I would not let him get his own way on this and leave your poor mum alone. Spiteful turd.

Spiteful turd 😂😂😂

Now you have to show him the thread TC.

Wow, your DH is a nasty asshole OP
I'd be tempted to organise a whole day with your mum and dc, dh can make a choice what he does.

Hang on so you are an only child, it’s mainly been you and your mum pre dh. Your mum has accommodated the new arrangement post dh and now dh is refusing to compromise. This is madness! Christmas spirit??

Your DH is going to have to grow up and accept that Christmas is all about caring and sharing - it's time he started.

Does he compromise on other things?
Can you not drive?

So your DH is happy for your mother to spend Christmas alone? What an arse.

Wow
Your dh is cold and unfeeling ..nasty actually.

Can you not drive?
I would tell your DH if you were to split he'd be happy enough, like most men to leave the DC with you for the day to day drudgery (almost certain), therefore on Xmas day you're staying home and the DC stay with you for the good times. He's being monumentally selfish and rigid.

I’d be telling him ,the next ten years are home for Christmas,so it’s all fair and even .then we can discuss alternatives fairs fair and all that

The fairest thing is that bil invites your dm.

I suspect his family would be horrified if they found out that she would be alone ... nobody has asked yet. It might me their neighbour for instance could put your dm up. I've got 2 people I don't even know coming for Christmas , it's a time of hospitality and caring

This so sad. He is making you choose which isn’t fair when the solution would be to include everyone. You have a chance to speak to the group about things needing to change now that the circumstances are different. Ask them for solutions / suggestions and see what they come up with. Surely no one would be so selfish as to continue with the original plan and leave your DM on her own... I’m a MIL and I’d invite my DIL’s Mum in a heartbeat..

Your DH is being very selfish.

Put your foot down.

We have a similar situation with my MIL
It’s not ok to leave somebody you love alone at Christmas ❤️ So allowances should be made.

However, it’s sounds OP as though you’ve basically told DH that you/children will no longer be traveling to his family for any Christmas’s - in which case -YABU

Have you considered traveling down earlier and having ‘Christmas dinner’ on Christmas Eve, so you can come home for Christmas Day with your mum?

Or allowing DH to take DC to his family every other year so you can spend it with your mum, without making DH choose between his family and his kids?

I assume you’d be horrified at the idea of not spending Christmas with your kids- but that’s the option you’re offering him.

I TOTALLY understand it’s not a good situation and you feel like you don’t have a choice as won’t leave DM alone (I would do the same) but you can’t simply turn to your DH and say ‘we aren’t doing Christmas with your family anymore’!

Your DH is an arse, I wish you had included your Mother and her friend on the rota years ago but that's only with hindsight. He's acting like a petulant child and he knows it but Christmas seems to do that to so many people. Everyone coped with changes before and they'll have to cope with this one too.