AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?

[TiceCream]

DH‘s family consists of MIL and BIL, they’ve always taken turns to host Christmas. I have two separated parents but no siblings, my DF always spends Christmas with his sister and my DM stays with her friend for two years (on the years that MIL and BIL host) and comes to our house on the third year (when we host).

This year it’s BIL’s turn to host. But DM’s friend died this year so she’ll be alone for Christmas. DM won’t be invited to come with us to BIL’s house so I said in that case we need to have Christmas at home with DM.

DH has rightly pointed out that we can’t afford to host Christmas for his family every year, that’s why we take turns. And obviously they want their turn to host and won’t be keen to come to us every year. I said well they can come to us and DM every third year as usual, and the other two years we’ll have Christmas at home just us with DM.

DH is now whinging that it’s not fair, he’s had Christmas with his family for 40 years and now I’m ruining it. AIBU to think he’s being selfish? We’ve spent every Christmas with his family for the past ten years and now it’s time to spend it with my family.

@Ticecream Now you had added the dog to the mix, to me it would be unfair to ask your mum to look after the dog for two Xmas just so you can go to his family. As with kids, a dog is your responsibility and if he cannot go to BIL, then he can not expect to 'use' your mum as a sitter. Talk about just want her when it fits.

How old are the kids?

I think I’d be getting very upset with him, he’s being disgusting. Stay at home with the dc and your mum and host mil/bil if that’s his issue. What a selfish twat.

DDog could go to a kennel near BiL. Tell him to stop finding excuses!

Again it’s about DH thinking the status quo is established. DM always babysits DDog when we visit BIL (at any time of year) because he isn’t welcome. If she doesn’t babysit then none of us can go! (he said in an incredulous voice). I said well I guess none of us can go then.

DDog could go to a kennel near BiL
Over my dead body. My baby isn’t being dumped in a kennel just so selfish DH can have his oh so special family Christmas.

How old are the kids?
Mine is 2, BILs are 3 and 5.

It is time to spend your Christmases at home. Every so often invite other family

I’m appalled at your DH behaviour. I love Christmas and come from an amazing big family, it’s my favourite time of year. My DH lost his parents over the last few years and the only family he now has is DBIL who is single. I would NEVER even dream of leaving DBIL on his own at Christmas so I can continue my wonderful family Christmas as he has no one else!!! I would say DH would divorce me if I acted like your DH and told him well whatever about your DBIL. Shocking. The first Christmas without both parents I spent it just myself DH and DBIL as I knew that a big family Christmas would be hard on them when they were recently bereaved. This year I’ve asked DH to broach whether DBIL would come to my family home (where he would be welcomed with open arms including my DB giving up his room to him and sleeping on a couch which has already been decided if he wants to come). If he feels it’s still too soon then I’ll spend Christmas just the 3 of us again even though I would love to be spending it with my family. This is because I am not completely devoid of empathy and understanding like your DH! He is behaving like a 5 year old. Obviously I didn’t want to give up my wonderful family Christmas but I love my DH and understand he can’t leave DBIL alone at Christmas.

If your DH family won’t accommodate your DM then they are as bad as him. Horrible selfish people.

I'd be suggesting a total change then. Christmas at home and then Christmas buffet at il's on Boxing Day.

So he is quite happy for your mum to sit with the dog all day Christmas day by herself while you all go to BIL?

Wow. Just wow.

I'd be furious.

This fighting isn't going to help anything. You need to sit down and talk.

I have no family; so Christmas has been a little easier for us - but it does mean that fiancés parents presume they'll see him every year. We talk about what we want to do and who we want to see. Before him, I spent Christmas with various foster families, then friends or by myself. We keep those traditions too; they are important to me.

You have DM to think about now, as well as his family. The logical solution is for DH to talk to his family. Around here, there are a decent amount of taxis on Christmas Day, usually drivers who don't celebrate it or don't want to spend it alone indoors, so DM could join and then taxi home, or you could all stay at a hotel and taxi there after dinner. Or you could all go out to eat. Or anything, really - but you have an extra person to include now; who arguably should have been included more before.

You're both being unreasonable on putting your feet down for your own families. You are a family together. You need to work together to make sure everyone is happy.

I have a two year old. They are not going to care if they are with cousins or not on Christmas Day!

Like l said previously, he’s an arse. He is even more of a knob now that basically, he views your DM as the hired help!

Also, you didn’t spend Boxing Day with her OP, she fed you both after a long drive back from your visit at Christmas. Personally, your DM is a star as she probably did want to spend some of Christmas with you but took what she was given without complaint.

Stand firm OP as things need to change. Christmas now needs to have a new set of traditions....

Doesn’t he realise that things in his own family will change? Family members move away, they become too unwell to travel etc? Then he’ll expect you to be flexible to accommodate that, in the name of family.

If she doesn’t babysit then none of us can go! (he said in an incredulous voice).

Oh, so he has your Mum's job all sorted out for her. She is to babysit his dog alone at Christmas so he can have his family fun.

@Steenac7 you sound lovely

I am in your DH's position OP, in that we've spent every Christmas since we've been together with my family because his family always had established plans with other people. Except this year it's different and there are members of his family who would be in the same position as your DM.

Logistically it's a nightmare and we're still thrashing out the finer points but it has honestly never crossed my mind that we won't find a way to accommodate those members of DH's family who would otherwise be alone. I still don't know quite how we're going to manage it, we definitely need a bigger table and quite possibly a bigger house but manage it we will because it's just bloody callous to leave loved ones alone at Christmas.

I'm sorry I can't offer much in the way of solutions but, from someone in exactly your DH's position, he is being completely selfish and unreasonable and should be ashamed of himself

^How old are the kids?
Mine is 2, BILs are 3 and 5.^

This just keeps getting worse. I was thinking your kids were primary school and was an established tradition playing with cousins at Christmas that they’d be really looking forward to. But your DC is little more than a baby and certainly was a baby last year.

And your DH sounds like a selfish spoiled brat. You don’t have to change things for ever but this year you should look after your mum. Finding a b&b near BILs would be a good solution, otherwise staying at home would be best.

I was about to chip in by saying ‘it’s not all about the kids’ then laughed to self. Hmmm.
At some point it’s got to be all about your mum ! (And the kids obvs).

Your H is a twat. I don't always see eye to eye with MIL, but no way would I leave her alone at Christmas- and babysitting the dog too!

I'd tell your H that your mum declined to do anymore dig favours and therefore any trips to BIKs won't be happening!

Your husband is an absolute p.o.s for being happy to leave anyone alone at Christmas.
I HATE my mil but (God forbid she had no one else left) she would be with us.
No one should be alone on christmas.

And without trying to sound like a cow- you sound more horrified at putting your dog in a kennel than leaving your mum alone at Christmas.

His family have decided your dm is not welcome so you must now spend it at home with her.
If his family change their stance you can all have the family Christmas you want.
Keep putting it back on his selfish family.

I would genuinely struggle to stay married to a 'man' like this

So your husband wants your mother to spend Christmas alone so that she can look after dog, thus allowing him to have his dream Christmas?

If that is seriously what he thinks I would be giving him divorce papers for Christmas. Why do you want to be married to someone who is prepared to treat someone close to you so badly and to treat your feelings with such little regard?

Unbelievable. Where are his morals to be happy to leave your mother alone at Christmas. Bloody selfish! My mother in law was AWFUL but there is no way I’d leave her on her own at Christmas

She is to babysit his dog alone at Christmas so he can have his family fun
Oh but it’s MY dog not his! Because I got the dog six months before I met him. So it’s my responsibility to feed, wash and walk the dog, take him to the vet, de flea and worm him, etc. And it’s MY job to make arrangements for him when we go away. I mean, it’s only fair when I paid for the dog and have had him for 10.5 years, whereas DH has only had him for 10 years.

you sound more horrified at putting your dog in a kennel than leaving your mum alone at Christmas
Of course not. Hence this thread. It was fine while DM was happy to see us on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and visit her old friend on the big day. But it’s not ok if she’s going to be on her own.

I agree with Lana08 above - treat this year on its own, since the situation has changed for your DM, then worry about next year when it comes.

Your DH sounds quite intransigent, but maybe if he manages to get his head around a change just for this year, it'll get him out of his rut and he can adjust his expectations. Sell it to him as a one-off. I find this works with my children and your DH is being pretty childish! You never know - he might actually enjoy a quieter Christmas.

I hope you get it sorted. Families at Christmas are a minefield.

Seriously your husband is been a massive bellend. Selfishness is not an attractive trait. Ignore the christmases of the future and focus on this one. Tell him you will not leave your recently bereaved mother, if he wants to go to his families so badly then he will have to go alone. He has no respect for your family at all.