AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?

[TiceCream]

DH‘s family consists of MIL and BIL, they’ve always taken turns to host Christmas. I have two separated parents but no siblings, my DF always spends Christmas with his sister and my DM stays with her friend for two years (on the years that MIL and BIL host) and comes to our house on the third year (when we host).

This year it’s BIL’s turn to host. But DM’s friend died this year so she’ll be alone for Christmas. DM won’t be invited to come with us to BIL’s house so I said in that case we need to have Christmas at home with DM.

DH has rightly pointed out that we can’t afford to host Christmas for his family every year, that’s why we take turns. And obviously they want their turn to host and won’t be keen to come to us every year. I said well they can come to us and DM every third year as usual, and the other two years we’ll have Christmas at home just us with DM.

DH is now whinging that it’s not fair, he’s had Christmas with his family for 40 years and now I’m ruining it. AIBU to think he’s being selfish? We’ve spent every Christmas with his family for the past ten years and now it’s time to spend it with my family.

Your dh is been very selfish. He wants to leave a grieving woman alone at christmas because it doesnt fit in with his plans? If the tables were turned would he be ok with that?

So, his family is your family, but your family is your family. He's being awful.

Taking turns and spending Christmas with different people is fine as long as everyone has someone to spend it with and aren't left on their own (unless of course they want to be). But now you have one relative (actually, your DM, so a very important relative!) who will not only be left on her own, but left on her own to brood over sad feelings of bereavement. Just, no.

Your DH needs to understand that whatever you do, the solution has to involve not leaving your bereaved DM to fend for herself and any compromise that involves leaving her on her own will involve you reconsidering your marriage, in which case he definitely won't get the kids every year.

It's just such a whiny, selfish, childish POV from him - I'd worry over a bereaved friend left on her own, but this is blood. His inability to consider any else's happiness other than his own is just not an attractive trait in a person.

He's being a twat. I'd tell him to go and stay with his family and you stay at home with your mum.

SIL invites her mother I think you said
SIL invites her parents on the year they host. As we invite DM on the year we host. But SIL’s parents don’t come to us on the year we host, and DH feels we therefore can’t expect DM to accompany us to them on the year they host.

DH said how would I feel if SIL insisted on bringing her mum, a virtual stranger, to stay at our house at Christmas? I said it would be ok if that was the only way they could all come. Or equally I’d understand if they stayed at home so she wasn’t alone.

Can you not drive?
Yes but my old banger wouldn’t make it all the way to DH’s home town. We go in his company car which I’m not allowed to drive.

I’d be telling him ,the next ten years are home for Christmas
That’s exactly what I said - he’s had ten years with his family so now I want ten years with my family. By which time DM is likely to have passed away.

This has raised the question of what would happen if DF’s sister died so he couldn’t go to her for Christmas - my parents don’t speak so I’d have to spend half the time with each of them on Christmas Day, and deliver a dinner for DF, so definitely wouldn’t be able to go away.

He is being much more unreasonable than you, but you are also a little bit in this update:
I’d be telling him ,the next ten years are home for Christmas
*That’s exactly what I said - he’s had ten years with his family so now I want ten years with my family. By which time DM is likely to have passed away.

This has raised the question of what would happen if DF’s sister died so he couldn’t go to her for Christmas - my parents don’t speak so I’d have to spend half the time with each of them on Christmas Day, and deliver a dinner for DF, so definitely wouldn’t be able to go away.*

DH is being selfish to expect your mother to be on her own this year, but you don't yet know if his whole family are so selfish as the sublet of bringing your mum has only been broached with him.

You are being unreasonable saying all Christmases now have to be at home, and then the idea of half day with each parent in the future if your aunt dies so assuming you don't want to be separated from your children, DH would have to choose each year between his children and his wider family.
The ones who would lose out most would be your children not spending Christmas day with both parents, when their parents are in fact still married, it's different where parents are not together.

I think there needs to be more go with the flow (in general, not just your family OP).

All this alternating to make it fair is something DH and I have refused to get into, each year we make our Christmas plans, sometimes with his family, sometimes with mine, sometimes at home just us or hosting others but we decide each year and might have a couple of years in a row at the same venue or not, but I'm not living my life on a rota basis.

Do his family know your mum would be alone on Christmas if you went to them? . I can’t imagine my mum letting someone’s parent be alone. In fact when my brothers girlfriend’s mother had cancer she was invited to stay at my mums for Christmas. None of us knew her really but she joined in all the games and seemingly had a lovely time. I would also invite people along if I thought they’d be sitting on their own otherwise. I’m betting from your DH that they’re not the “ more the merrier” type of people but on the off chance I’d have a look at a cheap hotel or Air BnB because you might find one in walking distance - which would clearly blow that pitiful argument out the window.

Water! I think the expression is blow it out the water

Ask the in laws if your dm can come too. That’s what we do.

You're thinking too far ahead with your different scenarios, just focus on this Christmas, don't mention future years.

I can't believe at his age he's getting that worked up about having Christmas with his extended family
He’s being childish. He thinks he always has to spend Christmas with mummy and brother, because it’s his family and it’s tradition, and mummy will take the huff if he doesn’t. And his family is “better” than mine for Christmas because there are several other adults and cousins there and the house is busy and sociable whereas I just have my DM.

I think you know you're not unreasonable and hes incredibly selfish and uncaring.
Insist you and the DC are spending it with your mim. I actually wouldn't want to spend it with him.

I think you’re being unreasonable to say he’s had 10 years so now you get 10 years - it doesn’t sound like you were giving up a Christmas you wanted to spend with your family to go to his, but rather that your family weren’t including you in their Christmas so DP invited you to his.

It’s reasonable to say that you won’t leave DM at home alone for Christmas this year and that you want to spend it with her, but I think you should be taking this one or two Christmases at a time. It’s not reasonable to say to your DP he can never have Christmas with his family again because your DM will take priority for the next 10 years. Of course she takes priority this year when her friend has just died, but it’s not unreasonable for him to expect that in a couple of years time she might be able to make an alternative arrangement.

I would say the fairest solution would be Year 1 spend Christmas with DM and not ILs, Year 2 Christmas at home hosting DM and MIL and Year 3 Christmas at MIL’s without DM. That way you each get 2 Christmases out of 3 with your families and each set of parents only has 1 Christmas out of 3 where they have to expect to make plans without you and DP.

one year you'll go to your in laws Xmas Eve and come home Xmas day. And the next you'll go on Xmas day night and back on boxing Day
We’re never going to spend half of Christmas Day in the car. It’s not fair on DC.

You are being unreasonable saying all Christmases now have to be at home
Why? His family won’t be alone if we stay at home, they have each other and can come to us whenever it suits. My family will be alone if we go away though. That will never be an acceptable solution.

The DH is being selfish here.

Yes, OP has had her DM come for Christmas every 3rd year, but DH has also had his family along at the same time, so he's never missed seeing his family.

He needs to pull his head from his arse and grow up. His attitude to his MIL, OP's DM, is appalling, especially since she's been so nice about only seeing her family every 3rd year.

OP, YANBU, and I'd insist on Christmas at home with the DC.

Over the next 10 years people will die, kids will grow up, have their own partners and new in-laws, Christmases change every few years because of this. Now's the time for yours to change.
Probably time to do one Xmas at yours, one at MIL (take DM), drop the BIL year.

So he would actually be happy for your mum to spend Christmas alone? Wow.
I would be questioning why I had married him, because he is not a nice person.

I hate this time of year for the family issues too.. Mum died ten yrs ago, Dad has another partner, nobody gets on well with one SIL, another SIL doesn't like the fact that Dad is "living in sin" with his new partner, we are all very different and its just been easier for all of us to say we are all spending christmas at home. No two hours of driving christmas morning, extra expense of one household hosting, just an easy family day at home.

Just ask him how he would feel if your children, when grown up, always went to their partners family for Christmas and he was left alone on Christmas day because it was more important that they spent time with their partners family than with him

Wow he's a selfish twat isn't he?
Are the inlaws as selfish as him? Surely if you explained the situation to them there's some way your mum can go with you.

Where do you all sleep? Can you get a blow up mattress or campbed to take with you?

You are being unreasonable saying all Christmases now have to be at home
Why? His family won’t be alone if we stay at home, they have each other and can come to us whenever it suits. My family will be alone if we go away though. That will never be an acceptable solution.

You haven't even investigated the possibility of your mum joining the celebrations with DH's family on some occasions.
Your DC may like spending some Christmases with the other side of their family.
Your family may make other arrangements in the future.
You might decide to go on holiday one Christmas.
The unreasonable bit is dictating how it shall be for ever more.

Maybe you should point out to the knobhead that if you split up he'd only be taking DC to his family every other year.

I’ve asked him again this morning and his attitude is “well we’ve never bothered about your DM at Christmas before!” As if that’s an excuse to never bother about her ever again because the status quo has been established.

He’s now complaining that DM has to babysit DDog, who usually goes with her to her friend because he isn’t welcome at BIL’s house. So DM can’t possibly come with us because she has DDog. Well maybe now we have to have our own DDog and if he isn’t welcome at BILs then we can’t go!

Are the inlaws as selfish as him?
Yes.

Your DH is being very selfish, is he used to always getting his own way?

Why is it so awful for the kids to be “stuck at home” on Christmas Day? They’d have their presents to play with and surely everyone is much more comfortable in their own home, the idea of spending Christmas Day with extended family gives sounds really stressful, I’d much rather be at home, in my pyjamas, watching what I want to watch on TV and doing what I want to my own schedule, than running around cooking huge quantities of food and making sure everyone is fed and making drinks.

How old are the kids? Do they even want to be away from home at Christmas?