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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?

181 replies

TiceCream · 03/11/2019 00:34

DH‘s family consists of MIL and BIL, they’ve always taken turns to host Christmas. I have two separated parents but no siblings, my DF always spends Christmas with his sister and my DM stays with her friend for two years (on the years that MIL and BIL host) and comes to our house on the third year (when we host).

This year it’s BIL’s turn to host. But DM’s friend died this year so she’ll be alone for Christmas. DM won’t be invited to come with us to BIL’s house so I said in that case we need to have Christmas at home with DM.

DH has rightly pointed out that we can’t afford to host Christmas for his family every year, that’s why we take turns. And obviously they want their turn to host and won’t be keen to come to us every year. I said well they can come to us and DM every third year as usual, and the other two years we’ll have Christmas at home just us with DM.

DH is now whinging that it’s not fair, he’s had Christmas with his family for 40 years and now I’m ruining it. AIBU to think he’s being selfish? We’ve spent every Christmas with his family for the past ten years and now it’s time to spend it with my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 11:57

I was thinking your kids were primary school and was an established tradition playing with cousins at Christmas
No but DH is adamant that this is important as the cousins get older. He doesn’t want DC at home with nobody to play with at Christmas right through the primary years. I agree it would be nice for them to play together but not at the expense of leaving DM on her own.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 03/11/2019 12:04

I think it would be fairer on the DC as getting older to spend it at home

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/11/2019 12:16

I'm confused? In one post you say you haven't had xmas with your family in 10 years and then in another you say it's every 3rd year that DM comes to yours??

I agree with your DH to a certain extent - you can't expect to never go to his family again because of the situation with your DM and you can't split the family by saying you'll stay with DM and the kids

The fairest is to alternate years - one year with your DM and the next with his family (either the brother or the mother)

Redwinestillfine · 03/11/2019 12:26

What does your DM want to do, have you asked her? She may not want to come every year, she may want to host herself one year. Have you let your MIL know that your mum has nowhere to go (or BIL)? They're all part of this too, and should all be involved in the solution.

BarbedBloom · 03/11/2019 13:06

He is being totally unreasonable. FWIW we had to go to family ever year as kids and I hated being respected to play with cousins. It actually made me dread Christmas every year. But I do find the idea of him expecting your mum to sit at home alone babysitting the dogs incredibly selfish. It would really change my feelings about my husband if he expected me to do that after spending 10 years with his family.

katielilly · 03/11/2019 13:41

If you've really tried hard to get your DH to compromise and he wont budge; Is just say that me, DC, ddog are going to DM this year and he can do as he likes.

katielilly · 03/11/2019 13:42

*I'd

HollowTalk · 03/11/2019 13:52

What kind of family does he have that can't offer to have your mum for Christmas? She's obviously no trouble - it's incredibly selfish of them all to insist they are all together but she is on her own.

Ellie56 · 03/11/2019 14:01

Well if BIL won't accommodate Ddog (why not?) and you won't entertain a kennel (I suggested a kennel near BIL so you could visit over the Christmas period) then nobody can go to BIL's.

You made it sound as though you had more than one child and the playing with cousins at Christmas was an established thing. This is hardly the case if your only child is only two. They won't miss their cousins this year.

Another option is ddog stays at home and you get someone to come in and feed him and walk him.

While I agree DH needs to get it into his head that your DM is now part of Christmas Day arrangements going forward, I would just make it about this year for the time being.

dreichsky · 03/11/2019 14:02

Neither of you sound very reasonable if I'm honest.
Leaving your DM alone this year sounds really mean but insisting that your DH never has Christmas again with family also does.
You sound very angry with your DH about a number of things is Xmas getting caught up with other issues?
Have you asked your dm what she sees happening going forward?
The pair of you are both going to have to compromise.

bluetue · 03/11/2019 14:36

Wouldn't he RATHER spend Christmas in his own home??? I just don't understand this.

Original poster
TiceCream · 03/11/2019 14:44

Well if BIL won't accommodate Ddog (why not?)
He has cats who can’t possibly be expected to have a dog in their home for one day. Despite the fact they’ve normally gone out through the cat flap or gone to bed (we rarely see them when we visit) and DDog is smaller than them anyway.

you can't expect to never go to his family again
I’ve never said DH can’t have Christmas with his family again. I’ve said they’d have to come to us so everyone can be accommodated. Or they’d have to accommodate DM and DDog too, which they can’t/won’t.

The fairest is to alternate years
I don’t see why we should alternate one year of DM being accommodated and the next year she’s alone. That’s not fair. She needs to be accommodated every year.

OP posts:
Elieza · 03/11/2019 15:12

You are right to think you can’t leave a loved one alone all day at Christmas - family is the whole spirit of Christmas, which your husband seems to have been forgotten about.

If it was me I’d let mum stay over on Christmas Eve, open presents with her, your husband and your child (and dog) on Christmas morning.
Have Christmas breakfast together and make it special. Possibly lunch too depending on timings.
Then husband and child can go over to his side of the family for their Christmas meal in the afternoon after that while you and your mum relax and watch tv and have your Christmas lunch (we usually do a Chinese takeaway as no pots to wash).
Seems to me like your old banger is one of the issues, perhaps if you had a half decent motor you could do more? Can your name not be added to your husbands company car policy? (And if not have you seen that in writing or did he just tell you?)

53rdWay · 03/11/2019 15:13

My DB and SIL alternate years. So 1 year they have Christmas at my mum’s, SIL’s mum goes with them and stays in a B&B nearby. The next year they stay at theirs for Christmas then visit the rest of us for a few days on the 27/28th, without SIL’s mum. So the kids get to see cousins and family every year and open presents at Nana’s, and SIL’s mum never has to spend Christmas on her own.

asprinklingofsugar · 03/11/2019 15:15

It seems like neither of you are willing to compromise. Yes he is being selfish about this year but I do think he has a point about future years. If you live near your family and 3 hours away from his, presumably you see more of your relatives than his? How often does he get to spend a good amount of quality time with his family? Perhaps he views Christmas as a special time when he is able to see all his family at once. He might also be worried that his family won’t be able to bond with your child much and is bringing up playing with cousins as he’s concerned about the potential lack of relationships between his child and his other family members (particularly in comparison to their relationship with your family who you live near and probably spend more time with). If you get your way it seems like he won’t get to see his family over the festive period at all unless they come to you. You refuse to go on Christmas Eve for a while and haven’t commented on visiting on Boxing Day - and I’m assuming you both work for most of the rest of December. So when does he get to celebrate with his parents and siblings? I think someone else has suggested that one year you host everyone, one year at home with your mum only (perhaps when you normally go to BIL) and one year you go to your MIL. This sounds like a good compromise to me - you both get to spend 2 out of 3 Christmases with your families and you don’t have to worry about the dog if you go to MIL’s but not BIL’s.

bluebeck · 03/11/2019 15:19

Your DH sounds like an absolutely dreadful man and I feel rather sorry for you.

Say DM will be coming to you at Christmas and he needs to get over it. She won't be having DDog.

Does he have any redeeming qualities because so far I am wondering what you see in him....

BackInTime · 03/11/2019 15:24

Just be a grown up and do what you want to do for Christmas. If that's spending Christmas in your own home then so be it. Invite people and if they want to come great, if not no hard feelings. There are 365 days a year to get together why do we tie ourselves in knots about this having to see everybody on this one day.

Thornhill58 · 03/11/2019 15:33

Terrible dilema. Looks like he is making you choose. Have you talked to BIL? Things change over time and parents have different needs. Have you asked your Mum what she'll like to do?

smoresmores · 03/11/2019 15:35

You sound so bitter towards his family. It's obvious you can't leave your DM alone and he's being unreasonable about that. But I don't think he needs to agree to your preference for ten years. It doesn't sound as though you've opposed the arrangement for ten years, just since the change in circumstances.

Your BIL is perfectly entitled to not want your dog at his house with cats. If they're not used to a dog this makes perfect sense. Your reaction to a PP about putting the dog in a kennel was over the top too. It seems like you're being intentionally difficult which is never going to yield a solution.

smoresmores · 03/11/2019 15:37

She needs to be accommodated every year.

Have you actually asked her? My elderly Nan actually turned around one year recently and asked to be alone at home. She's tired and has done these big family Christmases for decades, she was really excited at the prospect of spending a low key one at home. I don't think you can assume her wishes for the next ten years.

Ellie56 · 03/11/2019 15:39

I see BIL's point about not having the dog.Cats can get very distressed if another cat or dog comes onto their territory.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 03/11/2019 15:44

Your DH is behaving like a petulant child who is used to having it all his own way. Trying to foist your DM off on anyone and everyone but refusing to factor her into his own plans? That's disgraceful. I would be hurt and disappointed if my DH thought so little of my own DM.

If I understand your posts directly he hasn't even asked his own family if you can bring her along? Why hasn't he just had the conversation with them instead of assuming it's a choice between his family or yours?

Henrysmycat · 03/11/2019 16:59

We don’t leave my MIL alone not even for 1 year as my DH is practically her only child and his DF has his own family. She’s 74, she won’t be around for decades.
Last year we went on tour of Far East and MIL came with us. She paid her way.
We had a cracking time and our DD spend time with her Granny sharing a room and activities.
I know, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it works for us.

My parents have each other, and I got other siblings and 10 nieces and nephews so they won’t be alone if I’m not there. This year everyone is staying at mine.
Put your foot down OP.

BlueLadybird · 03/11/2019 17:20

Do you think your MIL/BiL would be happy for your DM to join in? If so then continuing the tradition with your DM going too and paying for a hotel seems simplest.

HeronLanyon · 03/11/2019 17:24

Bloody hell if I weren’t out of the country because both of my lovely old parents have died recently I’d be round to sit the dog and adopt your mum. I feel really sorry for her more than anyone.
Good luck op.
Thereve been good suggestions above re how to get out of this impasse.