AIBU to think we should spend Christmas at home from now on?

[TiceCream]

DH‘s family consists of MIL and BIL, they’ve always taken turns to host Christmas. I have two separated parents but no siblings, my DF always spends Christmas with his sister and my DM stays with her friend for two years (on the years that MIL and BIL host) and comes to our house on the third year (when we host).

This year it’s BIL’s turn to host. But DM’s friend died this year so she’ll be alone for Christmas. DM won’t be invited to come with us to BIL’s house so I said in that case we need to have Christmas at home with DM.

DH has rightly pointed out that we can’t afford to host Christmas for his family every year, that’s why we take turns. And obviously they want their turn to host and won’t be keen to come to us every year. I said well they can come to us and DM every third year as usual, and the other two years we’ll have Christmas at home just us with DM.

DH is now whinging that it’s not fair, he’s had Christmas with his family for 40 years and now I’m ruining it. AIBU to think he’s being selfish? We’ve spent every Christmas with his family for the past ten years and now it’s time to spend it with my family.

Your DH is being massively selfish - can he not see how he'd feel if it was his mum in that position given how important he feels Christmas is?

But also agree that you really shouldn't have told her that he didn't want her over Christmas - how must she have felt? if you manage to resolve this she'll now feel awkward & unwelcome!

The 3 way rota (1 at home with DM,1 at home with everyone, 1 visiting DH's family) is a good compromise.

agree with @mrsm43s on this - if you have your mum this year, then next year visit DH family, then you host, then home with mum - you have a wee problem for next year but you have time to sort something. Good luck, OP. Families and Christmas are a real struggle.

my widowed mum (in her late 70s) is insisting on staying home for Christmas, she'll be alone, and I'm beside myself with worry about her. But apparently in our family (as in my family, not my DH and DCs, they're the same as me) I'm the only one this bothers. (I'm convinced my DM is putting on a brave face). OTOH in the 7 years since my dad died she has been on holiday alone for one, and stayed home (but in a hotel) for another and apart from that has been with us. My DB and SIL stay home so they can be close to her widowed mum or she'd be alone...

So your DB is not bothered by leaving his own mum alone but happy to his MIL? That’s sad.

I think you’re right to worry OP. When she’s with you is she happy? Or is she happier

That was to @Brefugee

@Chloe84 yeah, my bro is a pain in the arse. I'm very low contact because I've decided to let him contact me next. Still waiting. But then we have history of him just being too away with the fairies so it makes me sad but i live with it.

The 3 way rota (1 at home with DM,1 at home with everyone, 1 visiting DH's family) is a good compromise.

Another who thinks @mrsm43s has a good suggestion. I know you’ve been to DHs family for a decade but I don’t think that means you can dictate the next decade. This sounds workable and means one year in three your DM needs to find something else to do.